18 y/o son disputes having to pay keep

[missmatch23]

I posted recently about my 18 y/o DS behaviour. The time has come where I have asked him to pay keep, simply as the winter months are coming and he has been asked to contribute £20 p/w towards gas or electric. To say he is besides himself at this prospect, is an understatement!

I'm a single mum of two. Both DC are here full time, I have No maintenance payments and work full time. I am just returning to work after being off with quite severe depression. DS is currently on a gap year, stays in bed most days till midday, and won't work more than 16 hours a week. I have told him he should be looking for more hours in work, or get a new job, as opposed to spending this so called gap year in bed or hanging around coffee shops and nights out. He wants to go travelling but seems to be expecting me to foot the bill for most of this, as well as live at home rent free and chore free.

Yesterday, I informed him he would need to start contributing and was met with a face like a smacked arse! He yet again mumbles something and flounced out of the room. His attitude is that I should have been doing absolutely everything at home for the three months I was off work with server anxiety and depression, that I just couldn't battle anymore. I have been highly medicated and have no support network, so the past few months have been rather difficult. During this time he has basically refused and refrained from doing anything at all at home, because it seems I should do it all seems how I've been off work. In honesty, I have been hurt by this.

AIBU for expecting a young man to contribute £80 a month towards our home during winter months, and expect him to work more to put towards his goal of travelling, as opposed to me paying for everything. I know he's my son and will need money for university when he goes next year, but I feel if he's going to squander his money, and refuse to work more as he should be, he should at least have the decency to help out a little at home.

I would tell him that his contribution is £160 per month for working 16 hours, but if he does 30 hours then his contribution is £80. Whatever amounts you come up with, I would tell him he has to pay double for working less hours that should give him so incentive to work more hours. If he doesn’t pay up then change your wifi password, hide the good snacks/treats, stop doing his washing (if you do it).

If he’s staying in bed all day maybe he is actually depressed. But I don’t suppose he’d go and see his gp. Getting him to stay with his grandparents is a great idea. Good luck

He can always move out, and you can help him do the maths to work out how he's going to afford it

He should be paying market rent and is getting off v v lightly. Even £100 per week is not too much.

Let him move out and learn what the rela world is like.

TheBarbieEffect · why is it awful for a parent to charge an adult child rent? How will this prepare him to be independent? Maybe OP can’t afford to keep another adult? And even if she could why should she? If he’s still there in 10 /20 years should she still be keeping him?
OP I would say to him you’re obviously not happy with me asking for rent and help around the home so I hope you will find somewhere you will be happier and feel is more reasonable .

He's 18!!!! I moved out and was paying a mortgage and bills at 19 and working 2 jobs. I went home at 22 for a few years and paid my parents each month. He's an adult and can work more hours, he can also help out at home.

I would ask him for 50minimum and give him a list of chores, if the chores aren’t done the £ goes up.
He should also be working minimum 25 hrs a week, tell him he needs to save for university as you can ont be able find him as you are really struggling.

Tell him to pay up or go find his own place. Lazing around in bed half the day isn’t exactly doing him any good either. Put a padlock on the fridge, deny him access to the wi-fi. Tell him if he wants to eat he needs to contribute towards the cost of his food. If he does t like it tell him he can go and shop for his own!

Ffs hundreds of posts later and people still can't resist responding to the third reply!

If he moves out be will be paying out a lot more than £20 per week. I take it you have lost child benefit payments for him now too? Do not fund his travels, if he wants to go travelling then he needs to work his ass off to save for it.

I worked 16 hours a week WHILST studying at uni! Luckily for me my parents didn't want any money, but I helped around the house and had a good attitude, treating them with respect and I had gratitude for everything they did for me.

I'd rather that of my own children when they are that age than £200 a month, no respect and a terrible attitude.

I think you are being a bit generous saying £20 a week, I would charge more like 50! No reason he cant get a job with more hours/waiting with tips etc

Make him step up OP at home and working, you are doing hi no favours for his future either

1985, aged 16 I earned £27.50/ wk on a yts and gave my mum £10 of it and another £5 to a lady for petrol for my lift into town to get to my yts. Mum worked two jobs, I helped to clean, cook,iron etc. You obviously lose the single occupant discount on your council tax bill for him living with you. The £20/wk he begrudges paying you is a joke

Wow! He's an adult he needs to learn some respect. Life isn't free, why should his mum pay to keep him, it was unheard of years ago for any adult in the house not to pay towards living costs. You must be in a very privileged position to come out with such a crass statement. Get in the real world.

Mistake

@TheBarbieEffect Oh sod off. You’re the epitome of toxic mum friend. We’ve all got one. The friend who has passive aggressive comments on all our decisions and makes us feel inferior. I’m making an assumption you don’t have one of those. There’s a reason; it’s you. You’re only on here to troll other mums and make them feel low in their worst moments. We’ll done you i hope you fall asleep every night feeling so proud of yourself.

OP you’re being very reasonable and your son needs to wake up and smell the cost of living crisis. He’s a loafer who needs to realise the world doesn’t turn if you don’t pay for it. Stop doing his stuff. No laundry, no meals, no housekeeping. Hell soon realise.

What an entitled son you have. I loved at home through Uni (full time law degree) and worked 20 hours per week. I paid my parents £200 per month. I whinged at the time but I’m hindsight it was the right thing and still cheap. All my washing got done etc.

Maybe it is time to give him a breakdown of what he is actually costing you, line by line, so he can see £80 is nothing.

I feel very sorry for any child brought up this way. It's doing your child no favours whatsoever to bring them up to believe Mum and Dad will always provide while they are living at home - getting them to contribute is a good way to begin to teach them to budget and begin to become independent and responsible.

YANBU. But most on MN would keep their ADULT children at home free of charge until 40 if they could. No surprise then we have men in relationships doing nowt and expecting their partner to cover nursery fees.

@TheBarbieEffect if that works for you fine, but we’re charging ours to live with us if they’re working. It gets them used to paying rent. They have to understand that if they want the heating on at home, around their shifts, we need to cover the cost. I’m keeping it in a separate account, aiming not to touch it but if the energy bills are enormous again, I will have to.

I looked at market rents locally and I’m well under those for full board and bills.

I am 39 now and paid my parents money every month. I have now for seven years owned my own flat with no mortgage that my husband moved into after my mortgage was paid. Paying rent to my parents never held me back.

That's absolutely not correct.

My mother in law never charged my sister in law a penny in rent. She lived at home until she was in her 30's and never did get her own home.

On the other hand she never contributed a penny towards dh's university living costs (he got a reduced grant based on their income). We saved for a deposit very early on and overpaid our mortgage.

I’m not in the north of England. It’s called saving.