18 y/o son disputes having to pay keep

[missmatch23]

I posted recently about my 18 y/o DS behaviour. The time has come where I have asked him to pay keep, simply as the winter months are coming and he has been asked to contribute £20 p/w towards gas or electric. To say he is besides himself at this prospect, is an understatement!

I'm a single mum of two. Both DC are here full time, I have No maintenance payments and work full time. I am just returning to work after being off with quite severe depression. DS is currently on a gap year, stays in bed most days till midday, and won't work more than 16 hours a week. I have told him he should be looking for more hours in work, or get a new job, as opposed to spending this so called gap year in bed or hanging around coffee shops and nights out. He wants to go travelling but seems to be expecting me to foot the bill for most of this, as well as live at home rent free and chore free.

Yesterday, I informed him he would need to start contributing and was met with a face like a smacked arse! He yet again mumbles something and flounced out of the room. His attitude is that I should have been doing absolutely everything at home for the three months I was off work with server anxiety and depression, that I just couldn't battle anymore. I have been highly medicated and have no support network, so the past few months have been rather difficult. During this time he has basically refused and refrained from doing anything at all at home, because it seems I should do it all seems how I've been off work. In honesty, I have been hurt by this.

AIBU for expecting a young man to contribute £80 a month towards our home during winter months, and expect him to work more to put towards his goal of travelling, as opposed to me paying for everything. I know he's my son and will need money for university when he goes next year, but I feel if he's going to squander his money, and refuse to work more as he should be, he should at least have the decency to help out a little at home.

Your house, your rules, no matter what the age. I would make a list of jobs at home that are his responsibility. Do them or find another place to live. I would also insist that as an adult he now has to pay a share of the living expenses. If he refuses, he needs to make other living arrangements. If you are paying him an allowance of any sort, end it now. Easy to type this, not easy to do but your son has to stop expecting you to carry him and get himself a job!

£20 is 2/3 hrs work for him and is very reasonable- he won't get better elsewhere.

I can't help but wondering if his change in attitude/behaviour coincides with your sick leave and that he really isn't handling it well. I really don't wish to upset you but it is likely that it has had an impact on him. Maybe he is also feeling similar - it isn't usual for others to also suffer from mental health issues when one person does as they are concerned or worried about the initial person to suffer. Has he been stressed or bothered by it and instead of managing it he has taken to burying it too & might also now be suffering? Have you discussed it at all?

Lol to the comment by the Barbie poster. As someone who'se brother is still sponging off their parents at 40+ I wouldn't recommend their approach. Giving a free ride doesn't encourage good work/life habits in my experience.

A family member's girls all stayed at home with her after uni for a bit, she charged them all a small amount of rent to teach them the value of money and encourage employment. She didn't tell them, but banked the money and gave them it back as a wedding gift down the line. They really appreciated it. If you need the money though, keep it and use it to support you and your family. There is nothing wrong with what you are suggesting. $20 is really nothing to ask for vs what he would pay if living alone.

£20 a week is too cheap - I would make it a bit more painful for him, given his attitude and take a percentage of his earnings.
As much as we all love our children, it is our responsibility to teach them as much as we can and prepare them for the real world - whereas we know things can be hard, and you do have to do things that you don’t want to. . The Younger generation currently prioritise their fun and social element and seem to forget that there is a huge cost in providing all the basics! The weekly money you are asking for is probably less than a few drinks with his mates or a meal out

My son is also taking a year out now he's finished his A levels. He works pretty much full time and earns more than me at the moment! From the end of September he'll be giving me £100 a month, which I think is reasonable, so he can still save to support himself through uni or drama school. I'm a single parent and all my tax credits etc for him have now stopped. I do feel guilty about asking him to pay rent, but he understands it is necessary.

Stick to your guns or he will never believe you again. His gap year sounds like he has no idea about the future. See if he will explore apprenticeship routes for degrees. At the end of each week you need to sit him down with receipts and meter readings (make him get those) and get him to help work out weekly costs. You need a set time-imply you need him to be a partner and see where you can make savings to become treats and rainy days, travel fund etc . Also get him to start reading Martin Lewis. Good practice for being a student. Make no judgement comments

Your son should be utterly ashamed of himself. He's workshy, lazy, and entitled.

Stand firm. He takes responsibility to do housework in the home he lives in and pays you a token keep, or he leaves and gets the shock of his life in the real world. I cannot get over how lazy this boy is.

@Wexone me being ill was hidden as much as possible. He was not aware that I was undergoing counselling. He wasn't aware I was on medication 3 times a day. He was sheltered as much as I possibly could shelter him, without moving out myself. However, I am never off work. Ever. That has been part of the reason for me being ill. During this time, he refused to help and literally left every plate, spoon, knife, cup etc for me to clean up after him. Started leaving his shaving residue and toothpaste splatter in the sink for me to clean. It quickly became apparent that the attitude was 'mum shouldn't be off work, so she can work at home while I swam about.'

I have had every kind of respectful conversation with him that anyone can mention, as I've said over and over again. I've looked for new jobs for him, sent him extra courses he'd find interesting to keep him ticking until he goes to uni. I've tried to get him to sit and make a travelling plan, as well as encouraging him to save. He has taken nothing onboard. Quite frankly, I am sick and tired of tolerating his behaviour, palming it off as a teen attitude.

This 'man' has gone from a kind, caring, loving, funny little boy, who literally was my sidekick. To an ignorant, self indulgent, bone idle stuck up man. It hurts to say those things when I have always tried my best to provide balance. I think what I need to realise is, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. People will become who they want to become, regardless of what they have been shown in the meantime.

There's no screen time after six on my end, as this time is spent with my youngest DS. So once again, thank you everyone for your helpful comments.

He technically is an adult and can do as he so pleases, but I don't understand where his total lack of respect has come in.

You are correct in that he is an adult but you are wrong in that he can do as he pleases where he gets to dictate to you how he treats you, that is purely down to how YOU let him treat you.

As adults we all have choices to make when whatever scenario is presented to us so based purely on his total lake of respect and entitlement I'd give him two choices and let him choose which one, he can either work best part of full time and contribute a part of his wage to house hold expenses or find somewhere else to live and possibly end up working his nuts off being able to afford to keep a roof over his head and possibly very little funds left for anything else.

Why awful? It’s teaching him that he can’t freeload and expect his mother to provide everything while he contributes nothing. And being a single parent absolutely does change things.

If he hasn't done his tasks off the rota, then take the router to work with you the next day. Or change the password.
Same if he doesn't pay you the £20 per week on the alloted date.
Actions have consequences and he needs to learn this quickly.

People who think you shouldn't charge your son some rent to live at home and the have the cheek to saying being a single parent shouldn't affect that don't live in the real world.

You are teaching your son to be responsible and pay his way and share the costs now he is old enough and capable to do so.

You would be doing him a disservice otherwise. I have met many adults who never had take responsibility for bills or understand the concept of how much it costs to run a house and it really shows.

Being a single parent means single income so even more of a reason

@ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees in honesty, he wasn't arsed at all. I asked him to pick his brother up from school once during this time, he said "no I'm going to the cinema. Have a bath and go yourself." Literally no empathy or concern. He is very similar to my parents in that aspect. Probably why I've been overly empathetic with him, as I've never wanted him to feel the way I've been made to feel.

An 18yo should be in full time education, full time employment or some combination that adds up to the same (excluding medical issues or other extraordinary circumstances).

Letting him lounge around and get away with paying a pittance towards his upkeep is not going to help teach him about adulthood. he needs to work and contribute because he needs to learn how to work and take care of himself. He needs the practice while he has a safety net.

Exactly
He should get a full time job and pay at least £50
How the hell is he going to cope when he moves into a student house.?
You are doing the right thing Op. if he refuses to pay ask him to look for a room in a shared house. He will be in for a rude awakening

You pay or you move out. I might feel differently if he was in full time education but he’s not, he’s asleep on the sofa!!

He's not a child, he is an adult. He works so should contribute. £80 is nothing. We are in a cost of living crisis, many people don't have the luxury of supporting another adult and all that breeds is entitlement. I don't agree with letting your adult son, live with you rent free, but what I really object to is sanctimonious comments like yours.

@Intriguedbythis
I was off work for three months.

Apart from this, he has seen me work full time as a single mum, with no support. He's been set a strong enough example of work for the things you want.

It was ultimately being overworked and under supported that made me ill. He's aware of this.

Just insane isn't it! This is why I insist my DCs save and I won't charge them but obv if I wasn't it the financial position to do so they would have to pay rent once adults if living at home.

When I was 18, I was paying £400 a month towards the household🙃 I’m only 24 so this wasn’t ages ago.

£80 is absolutely noting. He should be laughing instead of chatting shit. You’re doing the right thing don’t worry

I agree to an extent but a gap year is very indulgent and OP shouldn’t have to fund his travelling. If it’s too late for him to start at uni this year, he should spend the year doing useful things for his CV eg a full-time job for most of it to fund some abroad charity work before he sets off for uni.

My sons 18 and I don’t take any money from him, but if he was the same as your son then I think I would.

They have to learn and life is bloody expensive .. although I don’t make him pay rent I absolutely do not allow him to lay in bed and do nothing. He works every hour he can and that work ethic has been drilled into him. He never calls in sick, he is on time and gets offered loads of hours, and works them. I don’t pay for anything of his, his car, phone, insurance he pays that himself.

Make him pay if, make his life difficult, drill that work ethic into him. I always say noones paying for my stuff, I have to work and now so do you..

You clearly don't live in a world where parents may need that money.

Life changes and finances etc change.

There is nothing wrong with a mother expecting her gao year son to contribute. He is old enough to leave home , can't imagine where he'd live for £20pw.

Worst case scenario your son moves in with his grandparents, who can pamper and spoil him as much as they like. Guaranteed it will eventually wear thin though if he's lounging around all day and not contributing.

Yanbu to ask an adult to contribute towards the household bills. I was contributing from 18 on part time wages, and this increased when I went full time. No, my parents weren't saving it for me. It went on household bills and I bought anything specific that I wanted.

It's just a practical lesson in managing budgets etc. if he wants more spends, he has to earn more money than a 16 hour a week job. And yes, the first time you go full time working, it is a shock to not have school holidays off and to work a longer day. But that's life.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable, and also I'd hesitate to call it a gap year if he's sitting on his arse - an employer wont see it that way either.
I think all you can do is to get as tough as possible, don't do his laundry, don't pay for his phone, no lifts unless he's pulled his weight and every time he leaves a mess, call him to do it right away and leave clear instructions such as I need you to have cleaned the kitchen by the time I am home at 6, please empty the kitchen bin today before going to work etc