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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS 20 should get his old room back?

377 replies

altawalt · 17/09/2023 14:39

My DS is 20 with mental health issues and is on the autistic spectrum. I've been with DP since he was 4.

At the end of last year he was going to move in with his girlfriend and they found a flat but unfortunately they didn't end up moving in. DS moved in with her and her family instead. He got a full time job (was previously working part time) and things were great. His gf’s mum messaged me back in may and told me he wasn't going to work and was very quiet. We met up and he told me he was struggling. He went to the GP and was put on antidepressants and he's seemed fine since.

He came home and wouldn't say why but then admitted he and his gf had an argument and he decided to come here to give them both some space. This isn't what his girlfriend is saying, she told her mum that they had an argument because she thought he was cheating and he shoved her. DS is denying this, I don't know who to believe but DP believes his girlfriend which had led to them arguing over it and has threatened to shove DS if he does it again, which I think he was wrong to say.

DS and his girlfriend have made up but have agreed for him to stay here for now. DS isn't the easiest to live with he is very messy, he plays his music loud and he struggles with sleeping so doesn't sleep until the early hours and he makes a lot of noise downstairs and makes food etc etc. DP knows this as he was like this previously but now he makes a comment about it everytime DS does it. He says he's old enough to now know better and he's been spoilt by me as I've always allowed it.
Whilst DS was gone he agreed that SS could have his room and since DS has been home he's slept on the sofa but has said he wants his room back. Which DP doesn't think he should be allowed.

An I unreasonable in thinking that DS should get his old room back and DP is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
PuttingDownRoots · 17/09/2023 14:42

How old is SS and where did he sleep before?

HunterHearstHelmsley · 17/09/2023 14:43

Who's house is it? How many bedrooms are there? How old is SS? Does he live with you full time?

There's quite a lot of missing information.

He shouldn't necessarily have his old room back, but that's not to say he absolutely shouldn't.. It depends on a lot of things.

Frodedendron · 17/09/2023 14:43

How often is SS with you? Based on what you've said so far I'd say YABU and your DP is right, your son sounds somewhat overindulged.

Sirzy · 17/09/2023 14:46

It sounds like you need to help him build an independent life rather than taking a backward step.

with regard the bedroom situation that depends how much time SS spends at the house.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2023 14:52

He says he's old enough to now know better and he's been spoilt by me as I've always allowed it.

He's absolutely right. It's ridiculous that you allow your son to behave this way.

readbooksdrinktea · 17/09/2023 14:53

Frodedendron · 17/09/2023 14:43

How often is SS with you? Based on what you've said so far I'd say YABU and your DP is right, your son sounds somewhat overindulged.

This. He can't just come back and demand everything be as he left it. He's an adult and should show consideration for other people in the house.

Stimpend · 17/09/2023 14:53

Most of what you've put in the OP is not relevant to who should get the room. How old is SS, does he have another home, what were arrangements before your son moved out, whose house is it etc? Have they known each other from small, could they share, do you have any other rooms that could be adapted into bedrooms?

An autistic 20 year old potentially still needs a lot of support and dossing on a sofa doesn't seem like a suitable plan for him, but what other options are there to house both boys securely?

PostBoxErgoProperBox · 17/09/2023 14:56

Assuming he still has the f/t job (and is therefore being paid), why does a 20 yr old need to live with you? He'd be better off in a flat-share with people of his own age. He's 20 - he's had a narrow escape from sharing a flat with his girlfriend at an age when young people should be having fun, not settling down into a quasi married life.

I'd encourage him to see the world as his great big fat oyster, and to do something with his life and skills and experience. Not just come home.

This is obviously a separate issue from your partner threatening to shove your son. Whatever the truth of your son's row with his girlfriend (and the only two people who know what went on are the two people who were there), I would give very short shrift to any partner of mine who was threatening my son with physical violence. I couldn't bear to look at a man who would say or do that.

nursei · 17/09/2023 15:01

Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2023 14:52

He says he's old enough to now know better and he's been spoilt by me as I've always allowed it.

He's absolutely right. It's ridiculous that you allow your son to behave this way.

He's on the autistic spectrum and sometimes, it's just not that easy to do the normal things that you take for granted. Not saying mum can't do some training but not fair to just expect him to be able to do these things.

dramallamadingdongdo · 17/09/2023 15:03

He says he's old enough to now know better and he's been spoilt by me as I've always allowed it.

And he's right.

Your son is an adult. He can't just waltz back in when he pleases

MartyFunkhouser · 17/09/2023 15:06

I think you're not being fair. Does the stepson live with you? Are you honestly saying he should be asked to leave his room for your son?

MN makes me sad for stepchildren. So often I see them being treated badly.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 17/09/2023 15:06

Where did your step son sleep before? And how often does he stay?

I don't think it's right for your son to be in and out when things go wrong and expect everyone to pussyfoot around it though. You'll obviously need to work something out if he's planning on staying forever but he's an adult and can sort somewhere to stay if he doesn't like how it is.

User183642 · 17/09/2023 15:07

Is there another room in which the step son used to sleep or did he have no bedroom at his Dads for 15 years so that your son could be prioritised?
If there is another room the obvious answer is for your son to move into that room even if it isn’t as big or as nice as his previous one and if not it’s a miracle that the step son actually wants a room at the house after being treated so badly for so long but given that he does you can’t now turn around and chuck him back out without totally ruining any chance of maintaining a relationship as it would be pretty obvious to him that he is only important when your son isn’t available.

ittakes2 · 17/09/2023 15:12

Unless there is a back story I am not sure why one child should be booted out of their room because your adult son wants to come back. Unless you are saying SS is an adult too? Then if yes they should share if there isn't any room.

Original poster
altawalt · 17/09/2023 15:26

SS is 16, nearly 17 and he lives here full time. When we first moved in together they both had their own rooms. I then got pregnant and had DD. We couldn't afford anything bigger (and still can't) so when DD was 1 we tried to get DS and SS to share. They would constantly argue and fight. DS would get overwhelmed and wouldn't have a safe space and most nights he was in with me and DP was with SS.

We then decided to get SS and DD to share and as they got older we got a room divider so they got their own space and privacy. It isn't ideal as DD is now 12.

We did try DS and SS with the room divider as they got older but they still argued and would go onto each others sides. SS would touch DS’s things as he knew it wound him up, so that didn't work either.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 17/09/2023 15:28

Sorry you can’t kick your SS out of his room, that is massively unfair.

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 17/09/2023 15:29

altawalt · 17/09/2023 15:26

SS is 16, nearly 17 and he lives here full time. When we first moved in together they both had their own rooms. I then got pregnant and had DD. We couldn't afford anything bigger (and still can't) so when DD was 1 we tried to get DS and SS to share. They would constantly argue and fight. DS would get overwhelmed and wouldn't have a safe space and most nights he was in with me and DP was with SS.

We then decided to get SS and DD to share and as they got older we got a room divider so they got their own space and privacy. It isn't ideal as DD is now 12.

We did try DS and SS with the room divider as they got older but they still argued and would go onto each others sides. SS would touch DS’s things as he knew it wound him up, so that didn't work either.

So where do you propose your stepson goes? He can’t be in with you son or daughter, where would he sleep?

cakecoffeecakecoffee · 17/09/2023 15:30

Given that he’s an adult and had left home, no I don’t think he should get his room back.

DD and SS shouldn’t have to room share at their age, it’s not appropriate. They are still children so should be prioritised and they need their privacy.

DS has a place to crash but you need to support him in finding appropriate accommodation.

User183642 · 17/09/2023 15:33

Given you can’t expect a 16 year old boy and a 12 year old girl to share and you are not willing to have DS and DSS share it appears that your house is not big enough to accommodate DS and that he would be best off in being supported to find accommodation elsewhere for the benefit of the entire family.

BelindaBears · 17/09/2023 15:33

It doesn’t sound ideal for him to move back, not just because of the room situation but if there’s a lot of late night noise that’s not fair on a 12 and 16 year old. I’d be supporting him to find alternative appropriate accommodation instead.

Redwinestillfine · 17/09/2023 15:34

Nope. He absolutely should not have his own room again. He needs to understand things change ( I appreciate this is harder if he's on the spectrum) but it's massively unfair on SS.

Olika · 17/09/2023 15:35

User183642 · 17/09/2023 15:33

Given you can’t expect a 16 year old boy and a 12 year old girl to share and you are not willing to have DS and DSS share it appears that your house is not big enough to accommodate DS and that he would be best off in being supported to find accommodation elsewhere for the benefit of the entire family.

Agree

Stompythedinosaur · 17/09/2023 15:36

Of course he shouldn't get the room back. You can't expect your SS to go back to sharing with a 12yo girl.

There isn't enough space for your adult ds and he needs to move out to his own place.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 17/09/2023 15:36

After your update...

No, your son should not get his old room back. It sounds very much like your children are the priority and your partner's other child can be shoved from pillar to post.

Your son moved out. He doesn't just get to take his old room back, he gave it up.

WhateverMate · 17/09/2023 15:36

I have 3 adult DC and there will always be a bed for them here as long as they're respectful.

If this was my house, the room divider would be going back and if he was so disrespectful as to play loud music, or disturb the rest of the family in general, he'd be back out the door again.

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