To think DS 20 should get his old room back?

[altawalt]

My DS is 20 with mental health issues and is on the autistic spectrum. I've been with DP since he was 4.

At the end of last year he was going to move in with his girlfriend and they found a flat but unfortunately they didn't end up moving in. DS moved in with her and her family instead. He got a full time job (was previously working part time) and things were great. His gf’s mum messaged me back in may and told me he wasn't going to work and was very quiet. We met up and he told me he was struggling. He went to the GP and was put on antidepressants and he's seemed fine since.

He came home and wouldn't say why but then admitted he and his gf had an argument and he decided to come here to give them both some space. This isn't what his girlfriend is saying, she told her mum that they had an argument because she thought he was cheating and he shoved her. DS is denying this, I don't know who to believe but DP believes his girlfriend which had led to them arguing over it and has threatened to shove DS if he does it again, which I think he was wrong to say.

DS and his girlfriend have made up but have agreed for him to stay here for now. DS isn't the easiest to live with he is very messy, he plays his music loud and he struggles with sleeping so doesn't sleep until the early hours and he makes a lot of noise downstairs and makes food etc etc. DP knows this as he was like this previously but now he makes a comment about it everytime DS does it. He says he's old enough to now know better and he's been spoilt by me as I've always allowed it.
Whilst DS was gone he agreed that SS could have his room and since DS has been home he's slept on the sofa but has said he wants his room back. Which DP doesn't think he should be allowed.

An I unreasonable in thinking that DS should get his old room back and DP is being unreasonable?

@User183642

Never heard the like of this in my life.

What rot!! Autistic people are not useless and nobody is saying they are!!

The son is not going to have the same resilience, ability to cope at a NT 20yo - he has shown this, he can’t cope living independently. He’s bloody ill because of it!!

It doesn’t mean he won’t ever live independently, or that he is useless. It means he needs support right now and might do on and off. That’s all!!

What options are there?
DS is your son, and needs housing, as do the 2 other youngsters.
So either 2 of them share, with a room divider or whatever is possible to lessen the impact of sharing, or one of them sleeps in the living room on the sofa, or you turn the living room into another bedroom.
It depends on the house layout what will work best.
But DS cannot be allowed to disrupt the rest of the household by being noisy at night, and SS cannot be allowed to wind up DS. Both DS and SS need to be told that there are no other options unless one of them moves out and they are expected to behave in a civil manner. And I would argue that DS 's needs are such that he needs a space to call his own. If SS and DD get on OK, and the room divider gives them both privacy, then they could be in the same room. It may be that more work needs to be done on configuring room dividers/temporary walls. If you post a picture of the layout of the house maybe someone can help.
I don't think it's acceptable for DP to say that your son can't stay, anymore than you would say that his son has to leave.

Have you ever lived with someone on the autistic spectrum??

As adults, you can ask them to behave a certain way until you're blue in the face. As children, you can set boundaries and rules. It simply doesn't work.

@SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs

Are you autistic?

Are your children autistic?

Do you have autistic friends?

Do you have higher level qualifications incorporating study of autism?

If none of the above, what on earth do you think qualifies you to bleat on about what autistic people find disabling or not?!

Tricky but agree Ss can’t go back to sharing with his sister.

A garden room could work, or supported living. Until then it’s either the two boys share or the sofa.

You don't speak for everyone with autism.

YABU. He's an adult. Your poor step son is a teenager, still at school. He shouldn't have to share with his teenage sister so your selfish, messy son can have a room to himself.

@SensationalSusie

Are you autistic? - I've often thought so however I haven't had a formal diagnosis so no, I can't say that I officially have a diagnosis of autism.

Are your children autistic? - One has been referred for an autism assessment.

Do you have autistic friends? - I have an autistic partner.

Do you have higher level qualifications incorporating study of autism? - Yes.

If none of the above, what on earth do you think qualifies you to bleat on about what autistic people find disabling or not?!

What on earth do YOU thinks qualifies YOU to bleat on about how autistic people have the developmental capacity of children? Not a "your son might be a little developmentally behind" but a "he has the developmental capacity of a child" when the OP said nothing of the sort. What qualifies YOU to make that sweeping statement? !

Yes YABU. Your DS moved out, he doesn’t get to take a room that now does not belong to him just because he’s fell out with his girlfriend.

I couldn’t go back to my family home now and demand anyone switch rooms for me, my parents would laugh in my face and so should you.

They’d be happy to accommodate me where possible, so on the sofa or a pull out bed, but they’re certainly not going to rearrange the lives of someone who never left and lives there full time for me.

@SpringViolet

Your DS is only 20 which is still very young to be out on his own, especially with ASD and I certainly wouldn’t go the homeless route at that age with such a vulnerable young person. Who knows where he’d end up and who he’d be living amongst?

Op’s partner wants him out and he still may not be working, she said he’d stopped work and gone on AD’s in May, so what choice is there?!

It’s been a while, but if he wants to go on the list for a social house or get housing benefit under UC, he would have to register as homeless (sofa surfing) with his mother wanting him out.

There wouldn’t be many qualms about him privately renting a bedsit or one bed considering his condition. A homeless hostel or shared house/flat doesn’t meet his needs.

Hopefully having some stability and his own space would stabilise him to the point where he could go back to work full time.

I would recommend having it nearby to pop in and out and not bar him from the main house completely.

It’s obviously a complex situation and none of us know the capability of the DS in this but one thing for sure is that him having his own room in the family home isn’t an option due to the needs of everyone. His needs can’t over ride the rigbt to privacy and dignity of others.

I think you need to give DS and SS the bigger room in the house building a screen in between. DD gets the smaller room.

DS needs to show respect for the people in the house, stop the noise at night, be considerate or find another place to stay.

We don't have a separate dining room. When DD was born SS wasn't living here full time, he only started living here full time about 4 years ago. We live in a cheapish area but we couldn't afford a 4 bed in our area and DD and SS were happy with sharing anyway, they both had their own space and privacy.

DS no longer works and wouldn't cope in a flatshare as I think he would find it very stressful. He does the behaviours mainly when he's stressed or anxious. I think DP sort of forced him into agreeing that SS got his room as he kept going on and telling him that it was selfish having a room here and him not sleeping in it etc.

Whilst I agree that the op should absolutely look out for the interests of her son, it’s not unreasonable for her partner to do the same for his. Op hasn’t asked for her son to share with her stepson, she wants him to have his room back (and explained that them sharing doesn’t work, and isn’t an option), she’s also said that very reasonably, her stepson can’t share with his half sister. So what’s left?

The only option I can see from the op’s post (and is possibly the impression her partner has) is that her stepson moves onto the couch. Her stepson is 16, so I’m guessing just started his a-levels or equivalent. Of course his dad wants him to have a room. Let’s no vilify a man for not liking the idea of his child sleeping on a sofa, before heading off to full time education.

So what is stopping you turning the living room into a bedroom?

I agree with your husband.

I think DP sort of forced him into agreeing that SS got his room as he kept going on and telling him that it was selfish having a room here and him not sleeping in it etc.

Your DP was entirely correct here - it’s ridiculous to keep an empty room for an adult child who has moved out when a 17 year old boy and 12 year old girl are having to share the other bedroom. I really can’t understand why you think your DP was being unreasonable.

Yet another blended family without enough thought given to space. The housing crisis didn’t come out of nowhere, and neither I’m sure did his autism which would have added an extra layer to the likelihood of him moving out. And a 20yo still at home is predictable.

Of course your SS shouldn’t give up his room!

But I would still want to house my own son.

I would either actually divide a room (not dividers, a proper separation, stud wall) or put in a garden room. One of my neighbours has one - they’ve insulated a large shed and run a power extension out to it, it’s not a super expensive thing. And of course, he’s working for his rent to you can go towards paying for it.

I don't understand. What are you proposing happens to your DSS and DD if your son gets his old room back?

I know you’re referring to another poster but honestly does the op son sound like he’s fully matured? Again, what do you think autism means as a disability? So what if you’ve met several people with autism, those are not the people in question here.

You can’t say what an autistic individual may find disabling either. In some cases aspects of some people’s development will not grow beyond child/teen capacity. That means always needing a form of support.

So many people here getting angry at the thought that ‘autism = delays that means a person can’t cope’ like it’s personal attack on them. Some autistic people can’t live typical lives, or they may at times and other times need higher support like the op’s son evidently needs now. We are going on the information provided not about other’s feelings about what it means to be autistic.

I think either your DS moves out or you move to a house with separate rooms for the kids. It's not reasonable for SS to share with someone who disturbs him overnight and it's not reasonable for your DD to share with a teenage boy.

@altawalt If you feel like your partner has bullied your son, I’d be seriously reconsidering the relationship. But if you’re planning on staying together, where to you propose your stepson sleeps?

@SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs

I am autistic, have an autistic DH and DC. A lot of friends and family are and third level educational background in this area too.

It is obvious that the son is acting very immaturely by comparison to a 20yo NT. He hasn’t coped at all and has regressed massively. This would indicate to me a deficit in his developmental capacity of a few years in some areas ie he could be expected to cope as a 16-18yo would rather than 20yo..

That is what I took from OP’s description.

@altawalt Who owns the house? If renting, is tenancy in both your names?

If you cannot see it working dividing up the biggest room for DSS and DS, then you and DP may have to cut back in other areas to afford a summer house or another way of accommodating one of the boys. Or you live separately if you can’t make it work.

I think DP sort of forced him into agreeing that SS got his room as he kept going on and telling him that it was selfish having a room here and him not sleeping in it etc.

He's right, it was. It's equally selfish to demand it back now. But hey, stepson will probably leave as soon as possible. Can't be fun living in that chaos. A family should take into account the needs of everyone living there. Doesn't sound like that's happening.