To think DS 20 should get his old room back?

[altawalt]

My DS is 20 with mental health issues and is on the autistic spectrum. I've been with DP since he was 4.

At the end of last year he was going to move in with his girlfriend and they found a flat but unfortunately they didn't end up moving in. DS moved in with her and her family instead. He got a full time job (was previously working part time) and things were great. His gf’s mum messaged me back in may and told me he wasn't going to work and was very quiet. We met up and he told me he was struggling. He went to the GP and was put on antidepressants and he's seemed fine since.

He came home and wouldn't say why but then admitted he and his gf had an argument and he decided to come here to give them both some space. This isn't what his girlfriend is saying, she told her mum that they had an argument because she thought he was cheating and he shoved her. DS is denying this, I don't know who to believe but DP believes his girlfriend which had led to them arguing over it and has threatened to shove DS if he does it again, which I think he was wrong to say.

DS and his girlfriend have made up but have agreed for him to stay here for now. DS isn't the easiest to live with he is very messy, he plays his music loud and he struggles with sleeping so doesn't sleep until the early hours and he makes a lot of noise downstairs and makes food etc etc. DP knows this as he was like this previously but now he makes a comment about it everytime DS does it. He says he's old enough to now know better and he's been spoilt by me as I've always allowed it.
Whilst DS was gone he agreed that SS could have his room and since DS has been home he's slept on the sofa but has said he wants his room back. Which DP doesn't think he should be allowed.

An I unreasonable in thinking that DS should get his old room back and DP is being unreasonable?

So you think your 12 year old daughter should share with her 16 year old half brother?

I think there are lot of issues getting confused here. When your son moved out of course your step son would get the room - it would be ridiculous for it to sit empty. But now he's back and you are dealing with a new normal. It doesn't matter what the arrangements were before your son moved out or while he was away, the only question is what is the best thing for everyone now? I know that when SEN are involved we sometimes have to make compromises we wouldn't otherwise have contemplated, but I wonder if you are considering the other 2 children enough here? It is complex in blended families but you need to do the best you can by all 3 of them.

Why can't DS have the room divider with DD? It sounds like that hasn't been tried, but would mean everyone took a turn. He does need to be helped back into work fairly quickly, or you risk him developing even greater anxiety over it. Is a part-time role possible?

YABVVU.

Autism or not (and DH and I are both ND) you cannot sacrifice both the other childrens' needs for your son.
If you feel that strongly about it you both sleep on the sofa and give him your room but you cannot turf the other kids out of theirs.

You and your DP are responsible for this by having a third child when you didn't have space for all of them and one who can't share. Obviously there was a big risk of things going pear-shaped if that third turned out to be a different sex and this is the result.

Regarding loudness/mess etc every autistic person is different and without knowing your son none of us can know whether he's capable of modifying his behaviour or not.

OP, it boils down to the fact that there just isn’t enough room for everyone. And despite DS’s autism, the children have to be prioritised here for housing. I think your partner was correct to say that with DS moving out, SS should now have his room.

Unfortunately it hasn’t worked out. It would be unreasonable to ask SS to give up the room to sleep on the sofa as a permanent solution. I understand why you want to support your DS though too.

I agree with others that you need to see if you can find a way to house everyone by moving house or building a garden room or something. If this isn’t possible then I think you should look at helping DS to find a bedsit nearby where he can live independently. I agree somewhere with flatmates probably isn’t going to be a good idea for him at the moment. In the short term while finding somewhere else he can either share with SS or sleep on the sofa.

What would you be saying if it was stepson moving in and out and then expecting his room back (which meant kicking your son out of there)?

You and your partner give up your bedroom and put your bed in the living room?

You need to make an extra room here, this can't be fixed by sharing as the dynamic is now different to before your son left.

@altawalt your DP sounds awful, no duty of care to your son at all.

Current situation is unsustainable, please see advice above on getting him housed. He will unlikely get a 1bed social house/flat but you could get him a private rental bedsit or something especially if in a cheap area.

His mental health may deteriorate further as he will struggle organising himself and may be somewhat zombie like on the AD’s, is it sertraline he’s on?

If you get him a place try and set it up with things/colours he’ll find comforting and help him with meal planning/washing that kind of thing as he sounds a bit shambolic with organisation.

So grim for you both, I know you will really want him with you and that home is best for him. But try and make the best of it.

THis -

your poor step son... no way should he lose his room because your older son wants to come home. Your son needs to understand that he can alwayscome home where he's loved but can't rewrite the script - you moved out and now you have to take what is left over - so either he sleeps on the couch or you and DP sleep on the couch but your SS needs a room of his own to study and get enough sleep for going to school and your DD cannot share a room wiht either of the boys -

how about contact local council re any supported housing type options for your son.
i know it's thin on the ground, but you've got to think ahead, and try for him to lead as independent life as possible.
he cannot live with you all his life, and as he cannot share or cooperate with other people, nor hold down a job, this will be an ongoing issue.
nor should his issues be allowed to sabotage the whole family.
i think your partner has been v patient.
there is a limit, and how would you feel if he reached it.

He is a man now. No he can't have his old room back! He needs to look at renting a room some where. You've spolied him. He cannot expect his old room back, every time he moves back home. Encourage him to look for a room else where.

Having seen some (hopefully fake!) Step parent threads am not totally shocked at the expectation that dss should be turfed out of his room to accommodate your adult child, however I am shocked op is happy to treat her own dd like a second class member of the family, maybe your dp is annoyed by this?

Your DSS lives there full-time, of course he can't be expected to give up his room.

Equally your DS needs support, however if he's ok to have moved in with his GF and hold down a full-time job, the support you need to give him is to become more independent. He cannot as a fully functioning adult expect to waltz back into the family home and things will be as they were.

It's your duty to explain that to your DS and to support him through it. In the meantime, your DS should probably sleep on the sofa as it's not appropriate for any of the DC to share with each other (especially not either male with your 12 year old DD).

I'm suggesting this as the DM of a DC with an autism diagnosis whose daily life is severely impacted by it.

'Does he sound like hes fully matured?' He's 20. So there is going to be some degree of immaturity. How much his autism comes into this, no one can tell based off the limited information we have. Therefore we shouldn't be making sweeping assumptions about someone's level of functioning and their capacity.

You say "So what if you’ve met several people with autism, those are not the people in question here." Are you replying to the right person here? I have repeatedly said that you can't make a sweeping statement about what all people with autism are like. Everyone is different, autistic or not. So I'm not sure what your point is here? It certainly doesn't pertain to anything I've said.

"You can’t say what an autistic individual may find disabling either." I haven't said what an autistic perosn may or may not find disabling... The other poster who I was referring to made a sweeping statement that the DS in question has the developmental capacity of a child. This was a statement made based off the fact that she knows he has autism. I pointed out that you can't just assert that an adult has the developmental capacity of a child just because they have autism. I literally said the opposite of what you're saying I said.

"We are going on the information provided not about other’s feelings about what it means to be autistic.". Exactly. And nowhere in the OPs post has she said that her son has the developmental capacity of a child. And that is my argument, that we can only go on the information that the OP gives about her son, not make sweeping statements instead based on our own feelings/experiences.

You seem to be agreeing with me but unaware of it.

Because a 12yo girl should not have to share with a 20yo man. That's even more inappropriate then having her in with the 16yo.

No he shouldn't get him room back

It's been very unfair /wrong that your daughter and her step brother have shared a room for years

Either ss and your son share a room

Ss sleeps on sofa

Ss finds a place to live - house share etx with your help

Of course it's selfish expecting to have your own bedroom in a house you don't live in and forcing your 16 year old brother and 12 year old sister to share. How could anyone possibly think otherwise?

If it was possible Id give up my bedroom and me and partner sleep on a decent bed settee. But that would only work if you have a none open plan downstairs so you arent disturbed by others getting up on the night.

Failing that, I think the 2 males will have to share partitioned room with a set of ground rules in place such as headphones for music after a certain time, respect each others things etc.

It isnt fair to expect your daughter and her step brother to share now so I do agree with your husband that you are being unreasonable.

If you move your DS back into the room then you send a very clear message to your SS that he is less important and not as valued as your son.

I imagine your husband would have a similar perspective.

I then got pregnant and had DD. We couldn't afford anything bigger (and still can't)

Begs the question why have more kids if you've not got the room for them?

With all due respect, what "you took" is neither here nor there. You made a very offensive sweeping statement/assumption that the DS in question "has the developmental capacity of a child". You must know how disabalist that statement is.

No it's not fair for your 12yo DD and 16yo SS to go back to sharing. Your DS is technically homeless (sleeping on the sofa) and vulnerable so he might qualify for supported housing via the council which could be really good for him.

I think your DP was perfectly justified in insisting SS had the spare room when your DS had moved to another house - it would be ridiculous to leave the room empty in case your DS came back.
Now he is back there needs to be a way to accommodate them all. Could DS and SS share the partitioned room and DD have the other room? That way neither of the boys and being favoured and she has her privacy.

You wanted to leave DS room empty while he was living away? That's crazy. I think he sounds very pandered to and I'm with your DP.

You can't have DSS and your DD sharing at those ages either.

Sorry just saw you tried the divider room for the boys and it didn't work. I know you said there is no dining room - is there any room downstairs that could be used? Could some of the living room be partitioned?

@SensationalSusie how on earth have you
Read the posts by the OP and then come to the conclusion that the DH is the ‘awful’ in all this? or is that just an automatic MN response that the man is to blame? Just as her duty is to her son, his duty is to his son and rightly it should be.

OP- it’s a tough situation for everyone involved and it doesn’t seem like there is an easy solution to this. Unfortunately your sons need does not Trump that of his siblings, teenagers need their privacy just as much as adults.