To think DS 20 should get his old room back?

[altawalt]

My DS is 20 with mental health issues and is on the autistic spectrum. I've been with DP since he was 4.

At the end of last year he was going to move in with his girlfriend and they found a flat but unfortunately they didn't end up moving in. DS moved in with her and her family instead. He got a full time job (was previously working part time) and things were great. His gf’s mum messaged me back in may and told me he wasn't going to work and was very quiet. We met up and he told me he was struggling. He went to the GP and was put on antidepressants and he's seemed fine since.

He came home and wouldn't say why but then admitted he and his gf had an argument and he decided to come here to give them both some space. This isn't what his girlfriend is saying, she told her mum that they had an argument because she thought he was cheating and he shoved her. DS is denying this, I don't know who to believe but DP believes his girlfriend which had led to them arguing over it and has threatened to shove DS if he does it again, which I think he was wrong to say.

DS and his girlfriend have made up but have agreed for him to stay here for now. DS isn't the easiest to live with he is very messy, he plays his music loud and he struggles with sleeping so doesn't sleep until the early hours and he makes a lot of noise downstairs and makes food etc etc. DP knows this as he was like this previously but now he makes a comment about it everytime DS does it. He says he's old enough to now know better and he's been spoilt by me as I've always allowed it.
Whilst DS was gone he agreed that SS could have his room and since DS has been home he's slept on the sofa but has said he wants his room back. Which DP doesn't think he should be allowed.

An I unreasonable in thinking that DS should get his old room back and DP is being unreasonable?

Op
I have 2 dc with autism ,I understand
you absolutely must allow him back in the family home ,
I don’t think the majority of posters understand autism ,he’s going to be very vulnerable have had a break up ,kids are living at home longer these days because rents are so high …he is your son ,and that is his home ,he should not be penalised because of a failed relationship.
the boys can share .
don’t let your partner push your son out of the family ,he needs you

The issue isn’t whether or not he should claim benefits (and honestly there are better avenues of support for claiming benefits in any case) but that the specific named organisation does not act in a way that is in the best interests of the majority of autistic people. The NAS overwhelmingly use negative language in ways that suggest that autistic people can’t or shouldn’t do things that many of them can and would enjoy doing with the right support.

I agree with this 100%.

He can't have his old room back because someone is using it and they have nowhere else to go.

It is absolutely not okay to expect your dd to share with a teenage boy.

So your older son will have to make do with the sofa until a more practical and permanent solution outside of your house can be found.

I agree - a 20 year old with ASC and MH problems is still going to need support and likely won’t be fully independent. I’m not sure what the solution is though, because ultimately your house isn’t big enough for all of them. Sleeping on the sofa can’t be a long term solution.

He either has to sleep on the sofa until he has sorted something or the biggest of the kids rooms needs to be shared by the boys with a divide down the middle. Please dont make your daughter share with one of her brothers

Sorry OP, but this is true. He can’t waltz back, act like a pig and take over a whole bedroom.

The two boys need to share, and if they can’t then your son should be supported in moving back out again.

Thank you for explaining as no, you didn't already explain it.

How utterly, utterly offensive of you to automatically assert that someone who has autism has the developmental capacity of a child. You're acting like this man is a helpless child because of his condition. How offensive.

Sorry I think you’re being unreasonable, the younger siblings now have their own rooms and can’t be expected to share again because your son has come home. They are too old to share. I would suggest your son shares a room with ss instead.

If your son was respectful of your home and the rest of the family then I feel my answer would be different. If he’s up so late at night and makes so much noise then it’s very unfair on the rest of the family and actually pretty rude of him whilst living with his gf family.

I don’t agree with your dp arguing with him but I understand your dp wanting to make sure that your son isn’t being potentially violent in arguments.

Im glad your son understood to come home when things aren’t right and it’s great you’ve got him some support.

What age were dss and dd sharing from given that at 11 and 16 you had them sharing? So no real privacy, ability to have friends in their own room, they've had it for say 8 months and now you're saying 'tough' my ds wants to return home, make a mess, stay up late and listen to loud music he'll get this, you need to share again?!

Do you really propose that a 16 Yr old boys shares a room with a 12 Yr old girl?

Because based on your opinion that DS gets 'his' room back, that sounds like the only option

I also have 2 DC with autism (including a 20 year old son), and I have spent a shedload of time preparing them for adulting. A million times more than I have spent with my NT DC. But I don't want my DC to be stuck living narrow lives at home with Mum "because they're autistic". I want them to soar. They can always come back if it goes tits up, but what they couldn't do is come back and turf someone else out of their bedroom.

All that said, if the choice were between 'child who should be adulting, not coming back home' or 'partner who threatens my child', I'd be turfing my partner out, not my child.

Sadly whilst offensive it is also the narrative that the national autistic society often use and the reason why many autistic people have distanced themselves from the organisation which claims to exist to support them.
It is often easier for humans to accept that they just aren’t capable of something than to work hard to learn strategies that allow them to achieve it and this attitude being supported is exactly why the numbers of autistic people achieving their potential is so low (especially coupled with the lack of bother from the national charities and the level of external effort required often being greater than the cost of allowing people to believe they are useless especially in the short term).

Again, if you have actual advice for the op beyond benefits, if you know which support systems would be great for him moving forward then say so and direct the op and her son towards them. This is the second post where you have suggested there is a way forward with support and yet still not suggesting what this other answer is.

To be fair to you @User183642

I haven’t used them myself, have relied upon a local charity (that have been incredible and so supportive). Advised national as I don’t know where OP is based.

So if you’re saying NAS are terrible, then ok…. But OP needs to be contacting a local autism charity or somebody informed about specialist services relevant to her son in their area.

He’s already had to come out of work, diagnosed with depression, on medication and can’t live independently.

If this goes on with him being resented in the home, kicked out or forced to deal with living somewhere that causes him high stress…. He’s going to end up very ill.

It sounds like an impossible situation.
I have two boys with autism. They wouldn't be able to share it with their other brother. Call it clash of personalities.
Your son does need to start treating his home with respect though and realise that others live there (I am thinking of the loud music particularly)
It does sound like supported living may be the best option where you can see him regularly. Unless you have a living room you would be happy sleeping in (I have done that before)

Whose house is it?

You can’t expect DD to share with DSS. However, I totally understand that you don’t want to refuse your DS a roof over his head.

Can you try the room splitting with the boys again and tell DS he has to behave respectfully and DSS that if he winds DS up deliberately he will end up on the sofa?

This is obviously a short term fix. Can you move somewhere a little bigger or with a downstairs dining room that could be used as a bedroom?

How very sad and disabling to people. What a disservice they must do to people with autism.

So what solution are you proposing OP? Make the 16 year old move out or bunk on the sofa?

20 year old's antisocial behaviours don't help. Headphones are an obvious compromise he should be using rather than waking others up at night.

I think at 20 I would hope to be able to put up my child still. Stepson is only 4 years older than your daughter so you've been in his life since he was what, 3? Don't you have a responsibility to house him too? I think that leaves the usual catalogue of options for the problem of too many children for bedrooms. Parents in living room. Parents into 2nd room and master split in 2. Extension or garage conversion. Convert dining room temporarily (with building work to create one if need be). moving house if renting, or renting out your home and renting a 4 bed if you own. Support son financially & practically if needed to live somewhere else - but with MH difficulties this is not ideal, and 16yo is far too young to do this. No easy wins unless you happen to have a separate dining room already. The difference here is having a 20 year old already makes it less likely to be needed long term, but if you don't want him bunking on the sofa long term then what are you going to do to fix this?

Tad naïve to have expected his relationship at 20 was going to set him up now for the rest of his life and he'd never need to return home ever again. How many NT kids relationships fail, let alone an autistic with MH issues as well.

If you have a separate dining room and lounge (or one that could be easily divided) could you not turn one of the rooms into a bedroom for him. Or at worst buy a garden/office room and let him use that.

Your DP doesn't sound very compassionate towards your son to me, and makes me wonder did your son rush into moving in with his girlfriend because he was made to feel in the way and unwanted.

Given the extra information you’ve provided I think SS should have the room. Your adult son needs to either move out or accept that the sofa is all he is going to get in your house.

Your partner has no loyalty or concern for your son, because he is not his.

Same could be said for the OP and her SS.

I wonder where she is proposing to put the SS now? Surely not with her DD??

I think the only options in this circumstance are the boys share a room with the divider in place again with strict rules laid out of not going in each others spaces. The 16 year old is more than old enough to not do this if it was him doing it before. A frank discussion on how his step brother’s disability means he needs a calm environment might in order.

Or alternately, you get a sofa BED set up for your DS downstairs so he has a proper sleeping space down there with clothing stored upstairs. He can pay for it. If no extra space, can you remove furniture/set it up in dining room if you have one?

Your DS is only 20 which is still very young to be out on his own, especially with ASD and I certainly wouldn’t go the homeless route at that age with such a vulnerable young person. Who knows where he’d end up and who he’d be living amongst?

If he is capable of living independently with support as necessary, I’d be wary of supported living at this early stage as agree with the previous poster about restrictions and living with people with higher needs than him which may not be helpful in the long run with his mental health unless it’s a self contained property with support available as needed as opposed to shared accommodation with carers living in.

I would try a written contract. The rules don't change and are agreed by all.

With a rationale for each rule. I e. Sound at vol 2 after ten because of school for the siblings.

I would support him to find a permanent place to live, close by.

All the children seem to disregard basic levels of respect for each other and argue and I would try to resolve these too as it cannot be pleasant for you or your autistic son nor is it predictable or support feeling safe.

If your son has a diagnosis then contact social services who usually have a team to support autistic adults.

Check the gov website as there is a reasonable adjustments form for those in work. He is doing brilliantly if he is working as only 26% of autistic adults are able to.

Ask him what is helpful and unhelpful. Do not expect him to be able to transfer skills from one context to another. He may also struggle with being able to plan, sequence, execute or complete tasks.

Be careful that he is not learning how to be in a relationship from the internet. Talk to him about this.

Consider a sensory assessment. 96% of autistic people have sensory differences.

He is actually doing rather well and that is credit to you too.

I wish I knew what the answer was but sadly at least on a national level the services that the OPs son would most benefit from simply don’t exist or are going to be out of reach financially. Whilst it is true that he would end up very ill if he ends up living somewhere he couldn’t cope he would also end up similarly ill continuing to be treated as a child in his childhood bedroom.