To think DS 20 should get his old room back?

[altawalt]

My DS is 20 with mental health issues and is on the autistic spectrum. I've been with DP since he was 4.

At the end of last year he was going to move in with his girlfriend and they found a flat but unfortunately they didn't end up moving in. DS moved in with her and her family instead. He got a full time job (was previously working part time) and things were great. His gf’s mum messaged me back in may and told me he wasn't going to work and was very quiet. We met up and he told me he was struggling. He went to the GP and was put on antidepressants and he's seemed fine since.

He came home and wouldn't say why but then admitted he and his gf had an argument and he decided to come here to give them both some space. This isn't what his girlfriend is saying, she told her mum that they had an argument because she thought he was cheating and he shoved her. DS is denying this, I don't know who to believe but DP believes his girlfriend which had led to them arguing over it and has threatened to shove DS if he does it again, which I think he was wrong to say.

DS and his girlfriend have made up but have agreed for him to stay here for now. DS isn't the easiest to live with he is very messy, he plays his music loud and he struggles with sleeping so doesn't sleep until the early hours and he makes a lot of noise downstairs and makes food etc etc. DP knows this as he was like this previously but now he makes a comment about it everytime DS does it. He says he's old enough to now know better and he's been spoilt by me as I've always allowed it.
Whilst DS was gone he agreed that SS could have his room and since DS has been home he's slept on the sofa but has said he wants his room back. Which DP doesn't think he should be allowed.

An I unreasonable in thinking that DS should get his old room back and DP is being unreasonable?

You can't make a 16yo boy and 12yo girl share because a 20yo fell out with their girlfriend and wants to come home. My (much younger) DS also has additional needs, so I fully understand it can be completed, but this really isn't the solution.

Might it be time to look at supported independent living?

Your stepson has the room and is still technically a child (in the more literal sense) so no, shouldn’t give up his room.

However, once again posters on MN are showing a huge disregard to what being autistic means. The son being an adult is somewhat irrelevant when this information is added. Even those with autism who can hold down a job are far more susceptible to mental health breakdowns or ‘burnouts’ and because of this will more likely often end up back home or needing higher care needs for life. So the op needs to have this in mind moving forward and find a compromise between her son being cared for so he can hopefully once again gain some independence whilst recognising that his autism may mean he will always struggle on his own two feet.

Would it be possible to see if your son is entitled to help from the council for a bedsit or similar @altawalt? Is he entitled to PIP, or has a support worker? The important thing is to show your son you are understanding of his needs whilst also getting him to understand that your situation means accommodating him as he wishes at the moment is near impossible. So his choices are the sofa or finding suitable accommodation within his means and abilities.

I'm not saying your sons autism doesn't affect him but it doesn't absolve him from responsibility. He's 20. He moved out. He's asking for somewhere to crash whilst he considers his options. He can sleep on the sofa or with SSs blessing (ie he offers) otherwise he needs to find his own place. If he can't cope with work, he needs to look at either parttime work or incapacity type benefits.
Does he need a social worker? Could they help with sourcing accommodation.

You know that YABU, unless you own the house and your DP makes no contribution towards the mortgage/bills.

You won't be around forever, and your DS is 20. It's time for him to put his big boy pants on and act with a basic level of consideration for other people in the household.

It's SS's room now.
Sorry but it's not fair to take it off him.
Your son made the decision to move out, you can't keep a room indefinitely.
You've put a roof over his head so that's fine, but he can't then dictate where he sleeps, or throw his stepbrother out of his room.

You don't have enough house for your needs. It's as simple as that. You can't have a 16yo boy sharing with a 12yo girl, especially as both are also there full-time. You could give up your room and give it to your son and then you and DP sleep in the living room instead, but that's not a solution (and no way I imagine your DP will accept that either), so other than that, you need to either move somewhere else or see if there's somewhere that might suit your son. And of course him being on the autistic spectrum is relevant, but if he's playing loud music and keeping people up by being noisy at night, I can see why your DP might not be best pleased about it.

Based on the follow up info you've provided, in this case you DS shouldn't have the room back. I assume your SS is still at school as is your DD, whereas your DS is an adult. I understand your son has difficulties but the CHILDREN are the priority here.

In the current climate parents need to expect to house their adult offspring up until circa 30 autistic or not, and in fact in many ways at least those with additional needs would be offered shelter by the council if the parents were to follow the correct processes whereas NT young adults would in many areas be told that they are safe on the streets which makes it even harder for the vast majority of parents to feel able to ask their adult children to move out of the family home.
Sadly their is a shortage of affordable accommodation for those earning close to minimum wage and especially childless younger people due to the lower minimum wage and housing benefits available to them.

He says he's old enough to now know better and he's been spoilt by me as I've always allowed it

I'm with your DP on this - your son is 20, a grown adult, and you are treating him like a spoiled child . His behaviours shouldn't be acceptable at all - he is very messy, he plays his music loud and he struggles with sleeping so doesn't sleep until the early hours and he makes a lot of noise downstairs and makes food etc etc. Why do you allow him to behave like this op ?

You may need to turn a downstairs room into a proper bedroom for one of the children.

Also - the loud music is a regulating thing. He is probably trying to block out persistent repetitive thoughts and calm anxiety. Does he move when it’s on? (Pace, sway, any of that?)

Get Bluetooth headphones (try before you buy so ok for his sensory needs) and try and get him walking, hill walking ideally. The movement will regulate him and the exertion will help the sleep.

Dancing can be good too but I don’t see him going for salsa.

Sounds like SS has waited a very long time for his own space. I think it's v unfair he should lose it just because your son has changed his mind about leaving home. He's 20 years old and needs to move out.

Of course DS shouldn't get his room back. You're treating him like he's number one and SS is just some afterthought. If your son hadn't been violent to his gf (and I'd be more inclined to believe her) then he'd still have somewhere to live. Sounds like it's high time you stopped pandering to your son.

Contact the National Autistic Society they might be able to give guidance on supported living or direct you to further help.

When I read the title I came on to say yanbu, my dc will always have their bedroom to come home back to whatever their age if they want.
However reading your posts yabu, where are you expecting DSS to go? I think it would be very unfair to kick him out his room to let your ds have it back. This to me would be screaming favoritism. Also I think your ds and his gf need to look at getting their own place, you describe him being hard to live with but think it's fine for him to be living with her family

It’s both offensive and untrue to say that all autistic people have the developmental capacity of children and that they can’t be treated as adults.

So where is your SS supposed to sleep?

@ShippingNews

Autistics have insomnia and other sleep problems commonly - this is not his fault. If they have him on antidepressants this will exacerbate it.

They can be totally disorganised and messy because of a lack of executive function.

The music as I outlined to OP is a regulatory mechanism he will be carrying out to alleviate stress; it can be managed in a better way for the whole family.

Who said this and did you miss that he was originally going to be living on his own with his girlfriend??

I've re-read the OPs posts three times and I can't see where she says her DS has the developmental capacity of a child? Even if he did, surely a child has to learn that the world doesn't revolve around them?

DS isn't the easiest to live with he is very messy, he plays his music loud and he struggles with sleeping so doesn't sleep until the early hours and he makes a lot of noise downstairs and makes food etc etc.

This is awful OP, no wonder his gf family kicked him out.

He says he's old enough to now know better and he's been spoilt by me as I've always allowed it.

Your DP is right isn't he.

Your son moving in with a girlfriend at 20 was always likely to fail. Coming back home was always a strong possibility. It’s really not his fault that you have never had the ability to adequately house your children.

autism can makes room sharing nearly impossible. Sleeping on the sofa even more so. He should have had a room to come back to, even if it wasn’t the same room.

since you have no where to put him, can you afford to subsidize him in getting his own place? I actually would try to avoid a flat share if at all possible. A small place of his own would be better, even if it is just one room with a bathroom and minimalist cooking facilities.

Autistic here myself. High functioning autistic people have a range of strengths and weaknesses.

You find in some aspects they are ahead of their peers and in others they lag significantly behind. Particularly with things like everyday tasks such as OP is describing.

Therefore in many respects her DS is not developmentally at the same stage as NT 20yos.

To expect him to be capable of same at this specific point is drastically unfair. He needs support.

The wheels have come off the cart because he has not been getting support while at the gf’s.