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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DS 20 should get his old room back?

377 replies

altawalt · 17/09/2023 14:39

My DS is 20 with mental health issues and is on the autistic spectrum. I've been with DP since he was 4.

At the end of last year he was going to move in with his girlfriend and they found a flat but unfortunately they didn't end up moving in. DS moved in with her and her family instead. He got a full time job (was previously working part time) and things were great. His gf’s mum messaged me back in may and told me he wasn't going to work and was very quiet. We met up and he told me he was struggling. He went to the GP and was put on antidepressants and he's seemed fine since.

He came home and wouldn't say why but then admitted he and his gf had an argument and he decided to come here to give them both some space. This isn't what his girlfriend is saying, she told her mum that they had an argument because she thought he was cheating and he shoved her. DS is denying this, I don't know who to believe but DP believes his girlfriend which had led to them arguing over it and has threatened to shove DS if he does it again, which I think he was wrong to say.

DS and his girlfriend have made up but have agreed for him to stay here for now. DS isn't the easiest to live with he is very messy, he plays his music loud and he struggles with sleeping so doesn't sleep until the early hours and he makes a lot of noise downstairs and makes food etc etc. DP knows this as he was like this previously but now he makes a comment about it everytime DS does it. He says he's old enough to now know better and he's been spoilt by me as I've always allowed it.
Whilst DS was gone he agreed that SS could have his room and since DS has been home he's slept on the sofa but has said he wants his room back. Which DP doesn't think he should be allowed.

An I unreasonable in thinking that DS should get his old room back and DP is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 17/09/2023 16:14

You can't make a 16yo boy and 12yo girl share because a 20yo fell out with their girlfriend and wants to come home.

Yep. Are you seriously suggesting you shove a nearly-17-year-old boy back in with a girl going through puberty?

Zola1 · 17/09/2023 16:16

You cannot throw 16 year old out of his room because 20 year old has decided to come home. That is an awful awful thing to do to 16 year old.

EmpressaurusOfCats · 17/09/2023 16:18

Zola1 · 17/09/2023 16:16

You cannot throw 16 year old out of his room because 20 year old has decided to come home. That is an awful awful thing to do to 16 year old.

It would also be an awful awful thing to do to his sister if she suddenly finds herself sharing again.

Sirzy · 17/09/2023 16:19

the fact he is working full time is a bonus, you need to help him find the right accommodation so he can live independently with the support he needs. I don’t think moving backwards will help any of you.

MadeForThis · 17/09/2023 16:19

Sounds like there isn't any room for your DS to have moved home. If he wants to sleep on the sofa that's up to him. But he shouldn't disturb the whole house.

He should get a house share.

pinkyredrose · 17/09/2023 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You sound very ignorant. Why does having autism mean that someone has the developmental capacity of a child? Have you been watching Rainman?

pinkyredrose · 17/09/2023 16:24

SensationalSusie · 17/09/2023 16:22

Oh stop it

Itwasntmeguv · 17/09/2023 16:26

icallshade · 17/09/2023 15:57

Based on the follow up info you've provided, in this case you DS shouldn't have the room back. I assume your SS is still at school as is your DD, whereas your DS is an adult. I understand your son has difficulties but the CHILDREN are the priority here.

I was about to type pretty much the same thing.

Who thinks that it's ok for kids who have to go to school/college to sleep on a sofa?

Sorry, but for that reason alone I think YABU.

SensationalSusie · 17/09/2023 16:27

OP I’m afraid there is nothing else for it.

If you can’t afford to house all of your children then you are going to have to support your eldest son with declaring himself homeless so he can claim housing benefit, if he’s been off work 28wks he will get sickness benefits and he should already have PIP anyway.

Contact the National Autistic Society (supported independent living would be best but he will still have to pay for it), Citizens Advice and check out turn2us to see what he is due.

It may take about 6months for all the paperwork etc but he has a genuine disability, mental health problems and is a vulnerable adult so that may give him some priority.

SensationalSusie · 17/09/2023 16:27

pinkyredrose · 17/09/2023 16:23

You sound very ignorant. Why does having autism mean that someone has the developmental capacity of a child? Have you been watching Rainman?

Show quote history

@pinkyredrose what are your qualifications in the area?

MargotBamborough · 17/09/2023 16:29

So you had a son and your partner had a son and you moved in together, living in a house that was big enough for all of you.

And then 12 years ago you had another baby, meaning that you now had one less bedroom than you needed to comfortably house the whole family.

And then when your daughter was one you tried to make your son and stepson share a bedroom but because your son wasn't able to share a bedroom with his stepbrother, you made your daughter and her half brother share a room for years longer than is appropriate for opposite sex siblings.

And during all this time you apparently didn't take steps to afford a bigger house, by trying to increase your income or moving to a cheaper area.

What was your plan?

Because if your plan was to make your teenage stepson and your almost teenage daughter keep sharing a bedroom until your son was old enough to move out, first of all that was a terrible plan which deprived them both of dignity and privacy for far too long, and second of all, that has now happened. Your stepson and your daughter now finally have their own space where they don't have to share a bedroom with a sibling of the opposite sex whilst both are going through puberty. You cannot make them go back to sharing. You just can't. You put your son's needs before theirs for about ten years.

You need to tell him that no, he can't have his bedroom back, and he also can't sleep on the sofa indefinitely, and help him make a plan to move out again. Look into PIP, get him on the list for council housing, help him find a flatshare, do whatever you need to do to help him that doesn't involve making your 12 year old daughter and her 16 year old half brother go back to having to share a room.

Gerrataere · 17/09/2023 16:29

pinkyredrose · 17/09/2023 16:23

You sound very ignorant. Why does having autism mean that someone has the developmental capacity of a child? Have you been watching Rainman?

Show quote history

What does autism mean to you as a disability if you disagree with the previous poster?

User183642 · 17/09/2023 16:30

SensationalSusie · 17/09/2023 16:27

OP I’m afraid there is nothing else for it.

If you can’t afford to house all of your children then you are going to have to support your eldest son with declaring himself homeless so he can claim housing benefit, if he’s been off work 28wks he will get sickness benefits and he should already have PIP anyway.

Contact the National Autistic Society (supported independent living would be best but he will still have to pay for it), Citizens Advice and check out turn2us to see what he is due.

It may take about 6months for all the paperwork etc but he has a genuine disability, mental health problems and is a vulnerable adult so that may give him some priority.

Unless you want your son to be confined to a life of benefits and unnecessary restrictions please do not contact the national autistic society as their views are stuck in the past and actively damaging for a large number of autistic people.

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 17/09/2023 16:31

@SensationalSusie please clarify where the OP has said that her DS has the developmental capacity of a child.

Floralnomad · 17/09/2023 16:31

They either share or your son stays on the sofa , it’s unfair to get SS to move out when he’s there FT .

Anothershitusername · 17/09/2023 16:33

20 is young ..especially with autism and MH issues
both boys need to share ,the room with the divider.
may young people go to uni ,and then back home to live after ,why is this any different????
he’s a vulnerable young man ….I’d end my relationship rather than see a child of mine out on the streets

Gerrataere · 17/09/2023 16:33

User183642 · 17/09/2023 16:30

Unless you want your son to be confined to a life of benefits and unnecessary restrictions please do not contact the national autistic society as their views are stuck in the past and actively damaging for a large number of autistic people.

Show quote history

Who are you to decide of the op’s son isn’t ‘autistic enough’ to need help through the benefits system? We don’t know the level her son is struggling at. Life doesn’t come for free and the op cannot support him as needed. So instead of replying negatively about what help he shouldn’t be having, perhaps give alternate ones that doesn’t include ‘give him a kick up the bum and tell him to get on with life’.

frenchnoodle · 17/09/2023 16:34

Could partitioning off the living room create an extra bedroom?

Long term it's not going to work out is it, you need to find him somewhere else to live. But for now you need to turn another room into a bedroom.

That needs to happen if he is there.

LolaSmiles · 17/09/2023 16:35

Given you can’t expect a 16 year old boy and a 12 year old girl to share and you are not willing to have DS and DSS share it appears that your house is not big enough to accommodate DS and that he would be best off in being supported to find accommodation elsewhere for the benefit of the entire family.
Totally agree with this.

Your 20 year old adult child was big enough to move out when he had a girlfriend, so he doesn't need babying now.

Your daughter and stepson are children and this is their home. They shouldn't have to be disrupted because an adult has had a falling out with his girlfriend and thinks home should have been put on hold in case he wants his room back.

Jeffreybubblesbombom · 17/09/2023 16:35

I think a load of negative replies on here of not understanding a 20 year old with ASD.

YouJustDoYou · 17/09/2023 16:35

Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2023 14:52

He says he's old enough to now know better and he's been spoilt by me as I've always allowed it.

He's absolutely right. It's ridiculous that you allow your son to behave this way.

This. Absolutely this. You've spoiled him and now you have an adult baby on your hands who is incapable of adulting.

Jellybean23 · 17/09/2023 16:35

At 20, the majority of relationships will fail. Did you and your partner really believe that DS was gone for good? Kids are like boomerangs. Is there any space in the garden for a studio bedroom for him? Not sure if that contravenes planning regs but you really need a bigger house. He's very young to be pushed out to fend for himself. Would DP do that to his own son?

SensationalSusie · 17/09/2023 16:36

@SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs

I have already explained this.

He is autistic. Therefore he may be ahead in some aspects of his development. And behind in others. He is 20 years old. Which would indicate that some of his developmental capacity may be more akin to someone in their teens rather than NT 20yo.

This is particularly the case as his trial living independently/working full time has failed so spectacularly with him on antidepressants.

He is not capable of coping the way a “normal” 20 year old adult would.

To expect him to is unfair.

OP can’t house him. So she is going to have to contact every organisation going to get him housed suitably.

A flat share with a bunch of other 20yos would drive him over the edge. He needs to be home, but he can’t be.

MysteryBelle · 17/09/2023 16:38

Do you have a room downstairs you can turn into a bedroom? Like a dining room or den? You want to support your Ds, he is struggling. I think I would want to do whatever I could to help him. Sharing a room with one of the other children is not feasible. If you can’t turn a downstairs room into a bedroom, can you look at moving so as to get enough bedrooms?