To think it's perfectly fine to also blame the OW

[Kingofx]

I see so many infidelity posts on here with replies saying "don't blame the OW, blame your spouse"

I agree, the spouse is the one who broke their contract and their choices are to blame, but if the OW knew the man was married and persued the situation - even going as far as to battle for someone else's spouse- then I think they are a shit person.

I've been a member of an infidelity support group and while full of stories of weal, deceitful, pathetic excuses for husbands - the stories are also full of quite cruel OW.

People with no empathy, who will often harass the wife, refuse to accept NC and generally act with malice.

I can't picture taking someone else's wallet much less their husband. I think the OW is an adult in these situations and completely deserves contempt.

AIBU to think we give the OW too easy a ride?

The only thing from your posts @TickyTimeBomb that I can actually make sense of in terms of my post you quoted, is where you say cheating men are horrible to their wives. Yes. Yes they are!
Some men cheat, some men assault and abuse women.
As a woman I would not want to help them do either of these things. So I wouldn't be an OW colluding in an affair, and I wouldnt be disclosing another woman's affair to her husband when he could hurt her.
In neither case is it my responsibility to protect the woman, nor would it be 'my fault' that she was hurt. That's squarely on the man who hurt her, either with his betrayal or his fists. I would just want for my own conscience to know I'd not had a role in either.

In neither case is it my responsibility to protect the woman, nor would
it be 'my fault' that she was hurt. That's squarely on the man who hurt
her, either with his betrayal or his fists. I would just want for my own
conscience to know I'd not had a role in either.

So why do women have affairs when they know they could have a role in a betrayed wife being abused ?

Whey are you only applying men's violence to one situation, that of a betrayed man hurting his cheating wife.

Have you ever heard of a cheating man displaying violence to his wife, because I have. A home where a man cheats can be a battlefield with usually the man fairing better due to his physical strength.

How can women who have affairs be so heartless to ignor that this could happen. I wouldn't ever place an innocent woman in that situation, I would trust no man who is capable of having an affair to be kind, reasonable and fair to the woman who he is cheating upon.

I Imagine that a woman with a husband who is capable of murderous eage would.not put herself in a situation that risked herself coming onto the receiving end of that violence.most likely to stay until there is no other choice, trying desperately hard not.to do anything that might trigger rage
Abuse and murderous rages don't suddenly happen, there are always warning signs. Sometimes after a divorce women get killed by ex partners.shpuld we say don't.get divorced and then start a new relationship in case a jealous ex comes round intent on harm?
Often people.dind out purely by accident, a ticket in a coat pocket, someone at an event missed because she was poorly, asking about how she is, a message flashing up on a phone. A photo on social media of her when she is supposed to be somewhere else
What a poor woman in a horrific situation like this needs is to get to a refuge and use any way possible.to get away from the brute.

Exactly @leatherboundbooks . Abusive relationships are controlling and jealous. Abused wives are not out having affairs.

Husbands killing wives for having an affair is incredibly rare. Much more common is the wife getting bumped and that's also rare.

A realistic, expected consequence of an affair id extreme risk to mental health of the betrayed spouses and innocent children. Many betrayed spouses experience severe trauma, often needing years of treatment. And it's not rare that they need inpatient treatment or even commit suicide. Certainly I've met many who've made suicide attempts.

But thats by the by. A wife shouldn't allow herself to be continually abused so she can ensure the safety and security of her husbands mistress.

People on here have some very wild ideas!

Yes, the best prevention for ow to stay safe is not to have affairs and not put themselves in a possition whereby anyone could tell their husbands of their affairs.

Keep safe, don't expect people who don't know you or any betrayed wives not to spill the beans to your husband.

It is the ow respnsibility to keep herself safe.

@Kingofx

I have a lot of sympathy for a lot of what you write but this below is horrific. I cannot understand the thinking at all.

*When you have an affair, YOU have decided you're happy to live with the consequences.

They might include divorce. Losing your kids. Financial ruin. Losing your job. Social isolation. STDs. Your spouse committing suicide or otherwise reaching violently.

They are all YOUR PROBLEM.

NOT YOUR VICTIMS*

Sorry- but there is never an excuse for violence. Consequences of husband leaving, kids leaving etc... yes, agree, it's a risk she takes. However, if a husband hita his wife (even if she was the OW), he is in the wrong, not her. She is the victim. Violence is never the answer. And that is what is agreed in terms of the law. To say she would deserve it and have brought it on herself is maddness. No one deserves to be hit, ever.

What the fuck are you talking about? Who said anyone deserved to be hit or excused it? The point is that having an affair if you are married will have consequences.

It is NEVER the responsibility of your victim to protect you from those.

If you've got a violent husband, don’t cheat. Get help. Call the police. Get a divorce. Whatever. YOUR responsibility. Not mine in any way.

Likewise if a man rapes me, it's not my responsibility to not tell the police just in case he gets hurt in prison. Which us actually an extremely likely consequence of prison whereas the scenario you've come up with is almost unheard of.

I personally made two suicide attempts due to the OW targeting me for harrassment and deliberately going out of her way to traumatise me purely because she wanted my husband.

I couldn't get rid of her.

Had she had a spouse, you bet your arse I would have contacted him. I deserved to protect ME and not HER. And if he hurt her, that certainly wouldn't be my fault.

What was far more likely is that it would have been me who ended up dead, and I was the innocent.

Sorry- but there is never an excuse for violence.
Consequences of husband leaving, kids leaving etc... yes, agree, it's a
risk she takes. However, if a husband hita his wife (even if she was the
OW), he is in the wrong, not her. She is the victim. Violence is never
the answer. And that is what is agreed in terms of the law. To say she
would deserve it and have brought it on herself is maddness. No one
deserves to be hit, ever.

I agree.

So if both sides presume that nither the wife will be subjected to violence from a cheating husband we can asume that an ow will not be subjected to violence if her husband finds out.

You cannot have it one way with only the ow being protected, especially as they are one of the instigators of a hellish situation.

My advice

Don't have affairs then you will not place yourself in any danger or recieve unwanted circumstances.

It's pretty simple.

Own your own choices and actions because they always have consequences.

Be responsible for your own lives and the choices you make.

Goodness me, the pretzel twisting on this thread is astonishing to absolve themsleves of the responsibilty of acting like decent human beings.

Just don't do it, then there will be no need to argue about the consequenses.

I can't believe @Kingofx and @TickyTimeBomb that you're still here! You have a lot of patience.

Bottom line: if you choose to participate in an affair, don't have the nerve to whinge about how people perceive you. Don't understand why we've now invented a scenario where OW is an abuse victim seeking refuge in MM... all to excuse poor behaviour

So we've now had: she owes nothing, misogyny, villainising OW, 'so you're saying she needs to get hit?', and 'what if she is in an abusive relationship?' Sigh.

Absolutely bonkers.

I agree with that. Nothing in my post suggests otherwise
I was reacting to the bit I quoted.

• I don't agree with affairs, no one deserves it.
• If the affair happens, I don't believe either the OW/OM or the wronged husband/wife should reach out to the other parties to tell details. It's a horrific situation and I can only see this making it worse

The above is what I believe, and quick frankly, it's just that- my belief.

The part I reacted to was the post saying that if OW has an affair that they should be prepared for the consequences, including their husband being violent. My reaction is that noone deserves violence- ever. That includes both sexes and all the people involved in above. It is not defending the OW or making her innocent. It is staying a fact that violence is not the answer.

@November2024Mummy, I wasn't saying the Ow should complain about how people perceive her. She had an affair, folks will rightly judge

I was reacting to the bit I quoted.

• I don't agree with affairs, no one deserves it.
• If the affair happens, I don't believe either the OW/OM or the wronged husband/wife should reach out to the other parties to tell details. It's a horrific situation and I can only see this making it worse

The above is what I believe, and quick frankly, it's just that- my belief. I don't think it's particularly controversial

The part I reacted to was the post saying that if OW has an affair that they should be prepared for the consequences, including their husband being violent. My reaction is that noone deserves violence- ever. That includes both sexes and all the people involved in above. It is not defending the OW or making her innocent. It is stating a fact that violence is not the answer. It's scary that folks on the thread believe anyone would deserve this. That's was what I was reacting to

So we've now had: she owes nothing, misogyny, villainising OW, 'so you're saying she needs to get hit?', and 'what if she is in an abusive relationship?' Sigh

😂 There's been some entertaining takes! I'm 15 years overdue but maybe I should reach out to OW and offer to pay her compensation.

Thanks for the reply Bing. I don't think anyone is saying the OW deserves abuse. If the partner knows that the OW/OM is at risk, then you should probably not tell the partner. But you also can't blame the cheated one for telling if that's what they do.

I don't think most cheaters are doing it for a way out of abuse - if you're terrified of violence and control, you won't have the time, nor want to risk them rageful. Although, it's true that there is a risk of violence if the partner finds out.

Affairs are extremely messy and people have strong emotions. There are so many cases where the cheater/affair partner is killed - and even where the cheated-on partner is killed! Not to mention harassment and gossiping. Nobody deserves violence but I do not recommend getting wrapped up in that.

I agree with views, truely do. And while I wouldn't blame anyone from telling, it's just not what I would personally advise someone to do.

It's a sad and messy place indeed.

Thankfully I am quite happy at home with my husband and no worries of violence. I just always react when I see anyone (on any post) suggest that violence is justified. I hate this opinion and so am always vocal back :)

No one suggested violence was justified. No one even mentioned violence, you did!

You invented an imaginary scenario with violence on this thread. You didn't "see it" and feel compelled to speak up.

You've been "vocal" for many pages. Which is fine, that's what it's there for, but you seem to be casting yourself now as the caped hero to step in and defend domestic abuse victims.

My perception is more like: you've spent days coming up with increasingly bizarre arguments to try and turn mistresses into victims.

@Kingofx , I certainly haven't spent days dreaming up imaginary scenarios. Your thread is not top of my list in terms of things to think about 😂 Dear god!

I expressed an opinion that I did not think the wronged woman should tell the wronged husbad- and I gave multiple different reasons as to why it could be a bad idea. One of those was that their relationship could be volatile. There were then multiple responses from other posters talking about violence and examples of awful treatment to women, that was not me.

The post that annoyed me enough to get me to respond was yours. And I quote you here

*When you have an affair, YOU have decided you're happy to live with the consequences.

They might include divorce. Losing your kids. Financial ruin. Losing your job. Social isolation. STDs. Your spouse committing suicide or otherwise reaching violently.

They are all YOUR PROBLEM.

NOT YOUR VICTIMS*

So you were the poster who I was reacting to. Saying that OW should be happy to live with consequences including violence. This isn't me trying to put on a cape- I just think you are hugely wrong in saying a women should accept/be happy with violence as a consequence. Hence my post saying noone deserves violence

As for the quotations saying I have been 'vocal'. I have responded much less than many posters, you just seem to have an issue as I don't agree with you.

The point of a thread is to solicit opinions of others and engage in conversation. You are not showing yourself in a good light

*So you were the poster who I was reacting to. Saying
that OW should be happy to live with consequences including violence.
This isn't me trying to put on a cape- I just think you are hugely wrong
in saying a women should accept/be happy with violence as a
consequence. Hence my post saying noone deserves violence *

You make a choice and violence could be a consequence.

Of course many ow will be aware of that if they know their partner is capable of violence.

A wife would not know what a betrayed husband of an ow is capable of, it would make sense not to have affairs if a husband could be capable of violence.

The point of a thread is to solicit opinions of others and engage in conversation. You are not showing yourself in a good light

I don't see how you've come to that conclusion, op is not advocating violence, she is merely pointing out that there are many unpleasant side effects of affairs and she seems to have the good sense not to participate in them.

@bingbongbang23

Yes, and you making up an invented scenario and me saying that imaginary scenario would not be my problem is neither me saying someone "deserves violence", nor you swooping in because you happened to hear things. You started the topic actually.

This is a lot more simple for me;

If a person doesn't want me to tell their spouse that they're fucking my husband, I'd suggest they don't fuck my husband.

I'm not interested in any way shape or form in her life. Protecting her from imaginary and highly unlikely scenarios is not my problem. As I said, not even 1%.

On the 1 in a million shot her husband murdered her, that would be his fault for being a murderer. I'm not responsible for that. Nor am I responsible for keeping her secret affair with ny husband a secret.

Securing my own wellbeing, that of my family and any other innocent parties suffering due to her choices would be my only concern. Informing the other spouse would be the entirely correct thing to do.

Nor am I responsible for keeping her secret affair with ny husband a secret.

Nobody owes anyone anything. She made no vows to you not to shag around. You made no promises not to tell her secrets.

Now I'm interested to hear why this isn't the case!

Because an affair is highly likely be devastating to somebody's life.

OW/OM doesn't have to consider anyone's feelings, but cheated person (who's life is turned upside down) must be considerate of OW/OM.

No. No-one owes anything. But all people should behave with basic decency.

If they don't, and cause catastrophic consequences for others, then their victim is only obligated to take care of themselves.

If someone attacks me and harms my family, I will protect myself and my family.

I current have a friend who's husband is having an affair and she knows but the other spouse doesn't know.

It's an exit affair for my friends husband so he's open about the OW and it currently on a minibar with her!

Meanwhile, her husband is clueless. Poor man is posting all over his Facebook about his lovely wife, without any idea she's literally in a hotel right now shagging my friends husband.

These people make me actually sick. So if I get wound up at people defending them, it's because I think they're vile, abusive scum.

Mini break. Not minibar!

Look I am really not up for an argument.

Nowhere have I said you would be responsible if husband was to be violent. Of course you wouldn't be My only comment on this is that violence is not the answer and no one deserves it. That has literally been all I have said

You want to assume all Ow are root of evil, crack on.

I have said so many times I don't condone affairs and think it's so sad for all involved.

But I am not interested in some unknown on the internet trying to belittle me for standing up to violence