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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One year old and funeral

229 replies

Peekabooooooo · 16/09/2023 17:39

An old school friend died recently and I'd like to go to his funeral. We were close at school but haven't seen each other for years.

I have a just turned one year old baby who's breastfed. Would it be unreasonable to take her to the funeral?

I don't have any local family/friends who could take DD, and the funeral is a decent drive away so would involve leaving her for a while. I haven't managed to cut down breastfeeds yet and she doesn't really have bottles or milk from a cup.

I'd sit at the back and take her out at the first peep, and think she'd be happy in a sling.

I'm not close to the school friend's parents or siblings etc so don't want to bother them at this difficult time by asking directly.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 17/09/2023 16:22

I took my breastfeeding baby to more than one funeral. Sit in the back and step out of even a peep is made and it’s fine.

Goldbar · 17/09/2023 16:24

ilovesooty · 17/09/2023 16:20

Some of us agree with her.

Show quote history

Indeed.

And I'm amazed that so many people are unable to see the difference between someone's small grandchild attending their funeral, where any interruption might be tolerated or even welcomed because that child represents a source of love for the person who has died and an unrelated child with no link to the person whose life is being celebrated.

moneyplantnation · 17/09/2023 16:27

@Peekabooooooo Certainly not your not family. I would not care who you are and if you removed your baby once it starts crying, this service is not about you at all or your baby.

Once is makes a noise it is disturbing people, I would tell you to get out and stay away. but that's just me.

Nanny0gg · 17/09/2023 16:50

Lahdedahiam · 17/09/2023 16:17

Exactly @Nanny0gg! It is just you!

No, I don't think it is.

BelindaBears · 17/09/2023 16:54

Lahdedahiam · 17/09/2023 16:17

Exactly @Nanny0gg! It is just you!

It quite obviously isn’t.

happyinherts · 17/09/2023 16:54

How rude is that - telling someone to get out and stay away! Wow.

Attending someone's funeral is an act of love and care. You are showing respect for the deceased. The OP has also clarified her course of action if her daughter becomes restless.

Presumably the family do know / recognise this lady if as she was close to the deceased at some time. Maybe they'd be as delighted as I would be to see her - she's taken time, effort and money to pay her respects. There are no rights or wrongs here. Quite obviously everyone has differing opinions. I'd welcome her and her child with open arms and ensure she is provided for in hospitality afterwards.

Janiie · 17/09/2023 16:57

I wouldn't go to the funeral of someone I hadn't seen since school, so 25 odd years in your case. What is the point. Particularly as you have a 1yr old with no-one to look after it.

tedybear · 17/09/2023 17:00

I'd say No. I missed my uncles funeral as I had a 5 week old baby. My auntie knew why and no one suggested that I bring the baby. I've never seen any babies or young children at funerals.

Goldbar · 17/09/2023 17:02

BelindaBears · 17/09/2023 16:54

It quite obviously isn’t.

Show quote history

No it isn't.

I agree with you @Nanny0gg . And I'm normally pro-children at weddings and other events and I think we should make more space and have more tolerance for them in public places.

But an unrelated child at a funeral - just no. Besides everything else - children generally attract attention (hopefully because they're being cute or "oh isn't he/she good?"). If they're grandchildren/great-grandchildren or related in some way, then that attention reflects back on the person who has died. They are part of their life story. But this isn't the case for a child with absolutely no link to the deceased. And the focus of the funeral should be a celebration of the life of the person who has died.

HideTheCroissants · 17/09/2023 17:03

My DS had been to three funerals by the time he was a year old. Always sat at the back ready to remove if necessary (never actually had to).
I find the amount of people who seem to think children shouldn’t go to funerals, weddings etc a little perplexing TBH.

moneyplantnation · 17/09/2023 17:05

happyinherts · 17/09/2023 16:54

How rude is that - telling someone to get out and stay away! Wow.

Attending someone's funeral is an act of love and care. You are showing respect for the deceased. The OP has also clarified her course of action if her daughter becomes restless.

Presumably the family do know / recognise this lady if as she was close to the deceased at some time. Maybe they'd be as delighted as I would be to see her - she's taken time, effort and money to pay her respects. There are no rights or wrongs here. Quite obviously everyone has differing opinions. I'd welcome her and her child with open arms and ensure she is provided for in hospitality afterwards.

Rude is turning up uninvited to a family's funeral you are not part of and possibly disturbing their final chance to say good bye to their loved one in peace.

The deceased did not even know the child, so its rude to expect to others to accommodate being potentially interrupted and asked to accommodate a complete stranger on the final good bye to a whole family and friends in grief.

Even if all the family bar one is happy, disturbing a single close member of the family on that day is unacceptable.

Heartshattered · 17/09/2023 17:11

Maybe this is cultural, but I would 100% go, and if it was my family member I would be really appreciative that you made the effort to go. I am Irish, and we generally place a lot of importance on funerals. The traditional stereotypical small British funeral feels unusual to me, so my response may not be that helpful if that it your norm.
I am sorry you lost an old friend at such a young age. I hope you have some lovely memories. If you do, I'd encourage you to write a card to the family including some of these. I have found these very comforting during my own losses.

happyinherts · 17/09/2023 17:12

You don't need an invite to go to a funeral service. I was grateful for unexpected guests at family funerals as a) it bumped up numbers and made the chapel full, and b) it meant a lot to know that the deceased meant so much to them. These were ex-neighbours, maybe 30 or 40 years previously, and it really made my day to see them. Okay, they did not have one-year olds in tow, but I doubt my stance would have changed if handled well. I guess we're all different!

Lahdedahiam · 17/09/2023 17:13

@moneyplantnation when was the last time you received an invite to a funeral? I've been to many and arranged at least four, never an invite issued.

moneyplantnation · 17/09/2023 17:37

Lahdedahiam · 17/09/2023 17:13

@moneyplantnation when was the last time you received an invite to a funeral? I've been to many and arranged at least four, never an invite issued.

My late fathers two weeks ago and my sisters during COVID are the last two I attended and your point is?

jlpth · 17/09/2023 17:42

I would not take a baby to the funeral of a friend who died young. Maybe a grandparent's funeral, if they had passed peacefully at a very old age and it was full of family, then yes. But not the kind of funeral you are going to.

IMO your only option would be to get someone to come with you, look after the baby whilst you're in the service, and then you minimise the amount of time you are away from the baby. If there's nobody local, can you ask a family member to travel?

DappledThings · 17/09/2023 17:46

moneyplantnation · 17/09/2023 17:37

My late fathers two weeks ago and my sisters during COVID are the last two I attended and your point is?

Show quote history

And you received invitations to these?

I've never been invited to a funeral.either and I've been to many. Well into double figures. Location, date and time are sent out as notifications to anyone who might be interested. Which isn't the same thing as an invitation. The notification can be passed on far and wide, not directly from whoever is organising it.

Different during covid number restrictions of course.

Lahdedahiam · 17/09/2023 18:03

@moneyplantnation my point is, that I'm fairly sure you didn't receive invitations? Did you?

What's your point?

Lahdedahiam · 17/09/2023 18:12

HideTheCroissants · 17/09/2023 17:03

My DS had been to three funerals by the time he was a year old. Always sat at the back ready to remove if necessary (never actually had to).
I find the amount of people who seem to think children shouldn’t go to funerals, weddings etc a little perplexing TBH.

I agree, bloody ridiculous IMO!

853ax · 17/09/2023 18:18

I don't see any issue at all with taking a baby to funeral.
Can't see that there would be a need to feed baby during the funeral at that age a book/toy/snack would keep him occupied

DinnaeFashYersel · 17/09/2023 18:37

@moneyplantnation

Rude is turning up uninvited to a family's funeral

People don't issue invitations for funerals. Announcements are shared. But not invites.

belleager · 17/09/2023 22:01

I am Irish and I don't think Irish people can contribute much to this thread - funeral culture is just different in the UK. And people tend to be most comfortable with their own culture, especially at emotionally intense events. We want what's predictable to us at these times.

Babies are lovely on most occasions. This one might well be an exception. I think a card would be a wiser choice if you can't bring someone to watch the child nearby or do a quick check with the undertakers. Sorry for your loss.

belleager · 17/09/2023 22:03

And I've had invitations to funerals (at least three I can think of over the last ten years) in the UK. For some people there they are essentially a private event.

Dolores87 · 17/09/2023 22:06

I would take to a family funeral always. I would take to the funeral of a close friend if there was no way I could go otherwise without them. I wouldn't take to a none close friends funeral

Lahdedahiam · 17/09/2023 22:14

belleager · 17/09/2023 22:03

And I've had invitations to funerals (at least three I can think of over the last ten years) in the UK. For some people there they are essentially a private event.

Never ever happened I my entire (60 year) lifetime! How do these "invitations" get delivered? By post?

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