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AIBU?

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Original poster

One year old and funeral

229 replies

Peekabooooooo · 16/09/2023 17:39

An old school friend died recently and I'd like to go to his funeral. We were close at school but haven't seen each other for years.

I have a just turned one year old baby who's breastfed. Would it be unreasonable to take her to the funeral?

I don't have any local family/friends who could take DD, and the funeral is a decent drive away so would involve leaving her for a while. I haven't managed to cut down breastfeeds yet and she doesn't really have bottles or milk from a cup.

I'd sit at the back and take her out at the first peep, and think she'd be happy in a sling.

I'm not close to the school friend's parents or siblings etc so don't want to bother them at this difficult time by asking directly.

OP posts:
peonies23 · 17/09/2023 10:48

Context here is everything

All these anecdotes- 'my baby granddaughter got me through my husbands funeral' etc etc are totally irrelevant- family set up is different

Ask the question or don't go but as you've said the journey is so long both ways. Sounds awfully rubbish for the baby.

longtompot · 17/09/2023 10:55

@Peekabooooooo I took my dd to my nans funeral when she was only 6 months old. I didn't even think it wasn't the done thing. I would ask the family via the funeral director if they would be okay for you to bring her and decide from there.
I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. 42 is no age at all💐

zingally · 17/09/2023 11:04

I wouldn't have an issue with it. As long as you did follow through and take baby out if she starts to make a noise.

In my experience, people like to see babies at a funeral (I think it's the whole circle of life thing), and they can be a focus for the awkward small talk.

There was one baby at my dad's funeral, the baby of one of my cousins. Her step-grandad came along, purely to mind the baby in the crematorium carpark during the service. Then once it was over, he handed the baby back and drove home.
We're fairly certain he and dad never met, but probably knew of each other. But we appreciated the small kindness of a near stranger, so that one of my dad's nieces, who he was very fond of, could attend the service in peace.

Dwappy · 17/09/2023 11:10

I do agree that the age of the deceased makes a difference. The atmosphere and feel of the funeral may be very different. Taking a small child to a grandparents funeral or older person who lived a full life is often fine. The mourners will normally be younger family members with young families of their own and who understand the circle of life and that losing elderly parents and grandparents is what happens. The funeral may be more of a celebration of the long life they lived.
When the deceased is young themselves the atmosphere of the mourners could be very different. Parents may be there who have lost their child. And possibly being reminded of babies and children will hurt a lot more as he was their baby. The deceaseds wife could be there and possibly devastated she will now never have children with her husband. I doubt any funeral of a younger person will be classed as a celebration of their short life.
So basically I think it's best to check first.

Dwappy · 17/09/2023 11:15

@zingally

In my experience, people like to see babies at a funeral (I think it's the whole circle of life thing), and they can be a focus for the awkward small talk.

Do you think that's still the case when the deceased is young though? When the mourners involve parents of their "child"? The circle of life really applies to when losing parents/grandparents in the natural order of things. I don't think many parents would think about the circle of life when they've lost their child (even if an adult).

DappledThings · 17/09/2023 11:31

Dwappy · 17/09/2023 11:15

@zingally

In my experience, people like to see babies at a funeral (I think it's the whole circle of life thing), and they can be a focus for the awkward small talk.

Do you think that's still the case when the deceased is young though? When the mourners involve parents of their "child"? The circle of life really applies to when losing parents/grandparents in the natural order of things. I don't think many parents would think about the circle of life when they've lost their child (even if an adult).

I do think it's still the case. Maybe it's because I've always been taken to church since I was a baby and have always taken DC. So I'm used to children being part of all services. Obviously not all funerals are in churches but I find it odd to exclude children from ceremonies in general.

Dwappy · 17/09/2023 11:47

DappledThings · 17/09/2023 11:31

I do think it's still the case. Maybe it's because I've always been taken to church since I was a baby and have always taken DC. So I'm used to children being part of all services. Obviously not all funerals are in churches but I find it odd to exclude children from ceremonies in general.

Show quote history

I was mainly referring to the comment about that people LIKE to see children at funerals as they think about the circle of life thing.
Yes there are places and situations where children just are there. And in a lot of cases people will accept them. But would a grieving mother LIKE to see a child necessarily? She may accept it and understand why the child/ children are there. But it could still cause a huge amount of extra pain.

DappledThings · 17/09/2023 12:14

Dwappy · 17/09/2023 11:47

I was mainly referring to the comment about that people LIKE to see children at funerals as they think about the circle of life thing.
Yes there are places and situations where children just are there. And in a lot of cases people will accept them. But would a grieving mother LIKE to see a child necessarily? She may accept it and understand why the child/ children are there. But it could still cause a huge amount of extra pain.

Show quote history

OK, I see what you mean. But still it's so normal to me that funerals are for everyone that even the consideration a baby or child would be someone you need to consider not bringing wouldn't cross my mind.

Nanny0gg · 17/09/2023 12:30

zingally · 17/09/2023 11:04

I wouldn't have an issue with it. As long as you did follow through and take baby out if she starts to make a noise.

In my experience, people like to see babies at a funeral (I think it's the whole circle of life thing), and they can be a focus for the awkward small talk.

There was one baby at my dad's funeral, the baby of one of my cousins. Her step-grandad came along, purely to mind the baby in the crematorium carpark during the service. Then once it was over, he handed the baby back and drove home.
We're fairly certain he and dad never met, but probably knew of each other. But we appreciated the small kindness of a near stranger, so that one of my dad's nieces, who he was very fond of, could attend the service in peace.

I think they have their place at the wake, not the funeral

MerelyPlaying · 17/09/2023 12:57

These people have just lost someone they loved, and (from the OPs posts) at a relatively young age. How do you think anything can make it ‘worse’? They are barely going to be aware of their surroundings.

I would like people not to talk during funerals, not to cough or sneeze, blow their nose loudly, and especially I would like them to connect two brain cells and turn their mobile phone off before going into the service. A baby making a slight noise is pretty minor compared to the above, all of which I have seen/heard.

Dwappy · 17/09/2023 13:14

MerelyPlaying · 17/09/2023 12:57

These people have just lost someone they loved, and (from the OPs posts) at a relatively young age. How do you think anything can make it ‘worse’? They are barely going to be aware of their surroundings.

I would like people not to talk during funerals, not to cough or sneeze, blow their nose loudly, and especially I would like them to connect two brain cells and turn their mobile phone off before going into the service. A baby making a slight noise is pretty minor compared to the above, all of which I have seen/heard.

I agree that people should absolutely turn off mobile phones. It's very disrespectful and adults should know better.
However saying a baby might make "a slight" noise is downplaying the disruption it can cause. Surely everyone has been around babies at some point and know the racket they can make. Unlike a mobile phone that can be silenced or a sneeze that happens briefly you cannot just stop a baby crying or screaming or laughing hysterically. The only option would be to take the baby out. Even with the best intentions this can be very disruptive. I've been in a cinema when a couple had a baby. (Not a children's screening. A late night adult film). It started crying. They spent a good 30 seconds trying to sooth it. It didn't work. Then they started gathering up all their stuff which involved picking up bags and coats and getting organised all while the child screamed. By the time they left it had disrupted about 2-3 minutes of the film. Now while 2-3 minutes seems short that could be someone's entire emotional speech about their deceased son. Unless the person with the baby really is prepared to run out at the slightest noise you don't know how much disruption it can cause. Often parents will ignore the odd squeal or cry because it will be brief. But how many and how long does it go on for before they decide to actually leave.

icallshade · 17/09/2023 13:47

I'd go but if your 1 year old is anything like mine be prepared to miss the majority of the service. Mine won't sit still for 10 minutes and doesn't nap like a newborn but if yours will then no problem 😊

daliesque · 17/09/2023 14:01

My mother died a few years ago. All of us siblings had difficult and challenging relationships with her so her funeral was difficult for reasons other than grief. Our father also needed to be supported because although he had enabled a lot,of her bad behaviour he also tried to support us and shield us as much as he could against her worst moments.

My siblings who have children decided to leave them at home because they wanted time with just us and our father to begin to sort out how we all feel without having to deal with kids.

We also had to deal with my mothers sisters family who thoight she was wonderful and bought into the whole big Irish catholic family with doting matriarch image that she wanted to portray. We had a lot of problems with them wanting to bring all sorts of children of all ages and in the end it got so bad we changed the date of the funeral (this was very early on in the arrangements) and didn't tell them, and just did a simple goodbye good riddance the six of us.

So no, there is a time ans a place for young children at social events, but the funeral of so,done you don't know well, or know to be tricky, that's neither. And no, to some of us, babies don't mean circle of life bollocks, just another thing to have to endure on a difficult day.

Lahdedahiam · 17/09/2023 14:05

Hufflepods · 17/09/2023 10:40

@Cowlover89My son is 17 months and still needs to be breastfed. Might just be for comfort but still needs it and I'm not going to deny him it.

No idea what you are telling me this or what the relevance is?

All I said was breastfeeding does not define toddlerhood or babyhood. A young child doesn’t stay a baby as long as they are breastfed, they will still be a toddler based on age.

Edited

It's because you're coming across as very anti breastfeeding!

Lahdedahiam · 17/09/2023 14:07

@Nanny0gg have you read the IPs posts? Oh all people are poor at parenting a one year old! You would allow a disruption maybe but OP has stated she won't.

Lahdedahiam · 17/09/2023 14:10

icallshade · 17/09/2023 13:47

I'd go but if your 1 year old is anything like mine be prepared to miss the majority of the service. Mine won't sit still for 10 minutes and doesn't nap like a newborn but if yours will then no problem 😊

I'm fairly sure OP knows her own child and has already stated that she would be happy and quiet in a sling. Your child's behaviour is irrelevant.

DisquietintheRanks · 17/09/2023 14:14

So much depends on the type of funeral. My niece sang a folk song that my dad was particularly fond of at his funeral. I would have been really, really upset if that had been disturbed by random baby noise (by the time you bundle them out you've already disturbed everything). But generally it is nice when people attend to show support and mourn with you.

unicornflakegirl · 17/09/2023 14:16

Some very ridiculous uptight responses here about the appropriateness of bringing a baby. I would take my baby or child to a funeral unless it was the funeral of a baby or very young child. Babies are people, just smaller versions. I've seen plenty of babies at funerals, not just family funerals.

As an aside @Peekabooooooo despite best efforts DC1 didn't take a lot of interest in solids until over 1 year old, and was breastfed for much longer, now eats anything and everything.

Whiterose23 · 17/09/2023 14:20

DisquietintheRanks · 17/09/2023 14:14

So much depends on the type of funeral. My niece sang a folk song that my dad was particularly fond of at his funeral. I would have been really, really upset if that had been disturbed by random baby noise (by the time you bundle them out you've already disturbed everything). But generally it is nice when people attend to show support and mourn with you.

Absolutely. I’d have been really upset if the baby none of our family knew had interrupted my 13 year old reading a poem at my mums funeral.

BelindaBears · 17/09/2023 14:27

There’s some pretty gross judging of the fact people grieve differently on this thread. Calling it “uptight” for to not want random babies at a funeral, for example (no matter how special and silent and breastfed they are 🙄).

Nanny0gg · 17/09/2023 14:38

Lahdedahiam · 17/09/2023 14:07

@Nanny0gg have you read the IPs posts? Oh all people are poor at parenting a one year old! You would allow a disruption maybe but OP has stated she won't.

I wouldn't 'allow' it. But why put both of us through the stress?

I also wouldn't put a 1 year old in a car for 1 1/2 hours to go to a non-family member funeral

I'd watch on livestream

But that's me.

Nanny0gg · 17/09/2023 14:40

unicornflakegirl · 17/09/2023 14:16

Some very ridiculous uptight responses here about the appropriateness of bringing a baby. I would take my baby or child to a funeral unless it was the funeral of a baby or very young child. Babies are people, just smaller versions. I've seen plenty of babies at funerals, not just family funerals.

As an aside @Peekabooooooo despite best efforts DC1 didn't take a lot of interest in solids until over 1 year old, and was breastfed for much longer, now eats anything and everything.

It's not 'uptight' it's a different viewpoint. It's not a bloody playdate, it's a service of remembrance/mourning (sometimes a celebration)

Kids aren't generally welcome at weddings these days, which by the evening are actual parties!

And by all means take babies/children if they're going to be welcomed

If they're not - then respect the mourner's wishes and don't go

Lahdedahiam · 17/09/2023 16:17

Exactly @Nanny0gg! It is just you!

cakecoffeecakecoffee · 17/09/2023 16:19

Ask the family.

DS went to 2 funerals as a baby and I asked beforehand and both families were fine. He bf at both and gurgled at both, cried at one.

ilovesooty · 17/09/2023 16:20

Lahdedahiam · 17/09/2023 16:17

Exactly @Nanny0gg! It is just you!

Some of us agree with her.