AIBU to flex the truth on how long we've been trying

[mariannaf]

The older you get the longer, on average, for the average person, it should take to conceive, right? So why is it that couples over 35 have to wait a shorter amount of time before the docs will seriously consider helping them?

Let's say 2 couples have been trying for 6 months. One couple is 40 years old and the other is 25 years old. At 25yrs the average couple who are healthy would (probably) conceive before 6months and the fact that they haven't might indicate that there's an issue. Whereas at 40 the average may be above 6 months, and certainly longer average time at 40 than at 25, so the fact they haven't might mean they haven't been trying long enough. So why would the docs be willing to help the 40y.o but not 25y.o?

The reason I'm asking all this - we've been trying 5mo and so far no luck. We would be going via the private route anyway whether we go after 12 months or now, so is it worth flexing the truth a little and going to a private fertility clinic already for IVF or other treatments? I feel like even at private clinics, when we are happy to pay and not use NHS funds, they would stick with the 6mo vs 12mo rule because it is policy. We are 29 (me) and 34 (him). We've done sperm testing - he has borderline low sperm motility (29%) and borderline low sperm morphology (3%). We've also checked my uterus, fallopian tubes, done hormone testing on me - all fine. He is taking supplements

For the fairly obvious reason that couples over 40 are fast running out of time to conceive at all and are increasing their risk of a child with disability with every passing day.

@brightdayloomingdark so given that the older couple would be advised to seek help after 6mo, should I be doing the same? Given that I'm younger and if it's 'a long time' for them, then a younger and hopefully more fertile person at 29 would be expected to conceive by 5-6mo? Ie would it indicate a problem if we haven't and should we get going with IVF rather than wait?

I don't think trying for five months is very long to be honest.

Because the NHS has finite resources, at 25 you have a lot more time to play with than someone at 40.
if you have the £££ just go privately and have the tests done.

Surely the answer is obvious?

Also 5 months isn't very long at all.

No, 5 months does not indicate a problem
at 29.

If you’re paying privately you don’t need to be trying for 12 months so why would you lie about it?

@Hufflepods I guess because I went after 4 and asked when we'd intervene, they completely brushed it off like "oh definitely not before a year!" so I wondered if they'd keep not being keen to help and keep brushing it off until we get to that year mark

No what you asked... but have you tried SMEP? I got pregnant every single time I used the smep method.

I have tried, yes! (But thank you for suggesting it)

If you've already had tests, and there is no reason why you can't conceive naturally, then personally I would 100% wait a year (or longer) before considering anything like IVF. Especially at 29. I know it's frustrating, but 5 cycles is no time at all really.

IVF is not a guarantee. You wouldn't be able to ttc naturally once you started, and it is a very intense process, physically and mentally. Do you know anyone close who has gone through it?

What's smep?

And I get it, it's shit not being pregnant when you want to be. You've got plenty of time. Best of luck.

If you're approaching the same private clinic who did your tests and you've already told them when you had been trying for four months, then unless they are numerically illiterate they'll spot your lie.

We would of course go to a different one 😂

Once you get on the IVF wagon life becomes an absolute misery. I would advise having sex. A lot of sex. 5 months is nothing at all.

The odds of IVF working are incredibly low, and the treatment will play havoc with your social life, your career, your sex life, your relationship, your finances. And you might end up childless, broke, single and unemployable at the end of it. IVF is a last resort for desperate people, not something you should be rushing towards.

Have sex. And then more sex.

I speak from very bitter experience.

5 months is not long at all. And like a pp said, fertility treatment is invasive, expensive and extremely stressful (5 months of trying seems stressful, but is nothing to the stress of treatment). Give yourself a chance, use the time to do all the things you can't do once you've got pregnant, and get as healthy as you can.

I think 12 months is a sensible time frame for the age range. I know lots of people who took 6/7/8 months and have multiple healthy happy children.

ivf is a huge deal (not to mention the money) I don't think you need to put yourself through it just yet and can work on other things such as improving sperm quality etc.

You have a 15-25% chance of getting pregnant each month when trying to. Most couples get pregnant within a year. Honestly 5m is nothing at all when you look at the odds.

5 months is no time at all, though I appreciate it doesn't feel like that when you're in the thick of it. My kids took 5, 11 and 1 month respectively to conceive - I was worrying a bit with no.2 but sometimes it just takes a while !

Why have you started multiple threads about your plans to lie to medical professionals to obtain invasive treatment that may not have been necessary if you were honest?

I would wait OP. Sounds stupid but are you having enough sex... I know a few people who where trying for between 6 months abd 3 years and couldn't understand why it wasn't happening and then find out they where only having sex once or twice a month...

I think you'd be bonkers to go straight to ivf when you could try longer. I say that as someone who had 6 failed rounds of ivf (one brief pregnancy/loss). There's a lot of wasted months in ivf where you're not allowed to ttc naturally eg. as it's a testing cycle; you're overstimulated and in pain; the month prior to transfer cycle they make you take norethisterone so they can time when your period starts or your lining randomly doesn't thicken so it's cancelled etc. For someone with no known reason not to conceive you'd be missing out on a lot of chances and potentially lessening your odds.

However, if you're set on doing it and paying privately just tell them you know you've only been trying 5 months but you'd like to do it anyway. They're businesses who are out to make money, they're not going to refuse you.

I've started 2 - one on AIBU and one on conception to get as many responses as possible. Why else? 😂

The obvious reason of the 40 year old is running out of time. 5 months is no time at all, why would you want to put yourself through lying and starting IVF when you don't know if it's needed yet. What's the major rush that you can't wait another 7 months?

It can take young couples with no fertility issues to get pregnant a year to get pregnant. That is why the timing is in place. Over 35 people are more likely to have fertility issues.

We started trying when we were both 30 and it took 10 months. I tracked ovulation, tried SMEP, every other day, supplements, getting drunk. Have sex for a year and if nothing happens at the end of it, go see a specialist. It’s shit but 5 months is well within the realm of normal.