AIBU to flex the truth on how long we've been trying

[mariannaf]

The older you get the longer, on average, for the average person, it should take to conceive, right? So why is it that couples over 35 have to wait a shorter amount of time before the docs will seriously consider helping them?

Let's say 2 couples have been trying for 6 months. One couple is 40 years old and the other is 25 years old. At 25yrs the average couple who are healthy would (probably) conceive before 6months and the fact that they haven't might indicate that there's an issue. Whereas at 40 the average may be above 6 months, and certainly longer average time at 40 than at 25, so the fact they haven't might mean they haven't been trying long enough. So why would the docs be willing to help the 40y.o but not 25y.o?

The reason I'm asking all this - we've been trying 5mo and so far no luck. We would be going via the private route anyway whether we go after 12 months or now, so is it worth flexing the truth a little and going to a private fertility clinic already for IVF or other treatments? I feel like even at private clinics, when we are happy to pay and not use NHS funds, they would stick with the 6mo vs 12mo rule because it is policy. We are 29 (me) and 34 (him). We've done sperm testing - he has borderline low sperm motility (29%) and borderline low sperm morphology (3%). We've also checked my uterus, fallopian tubes, done hormone testing on me - all fine. He is taking supplements

Not being able to conceive is horrible @mariannaf! I lived my 20s thinking it was so easy to get pregnant and terrified of an unplanned pregnancy. Then got to my 30s and realised not quite the case. Luckily, I conceived relatively easy first time (3 months) but number 2 took 18 months.

If you are paying for it then I really don’t think you need to lie. It’s probably better that the clinic has all the information. Though if you feel the need there is nothing wrong with lying IMO.

What I noticed in both times I conceived is that we had we’d far before my tracking of ovulation said I was ovulating. Both times we had sex way outside my fertile window and I then had a UTI / other sickness and I couldn’t again in ‘the right time’. Followed by a very surprising pregnancy. Basically, I don’t trust the ovulation sticks etc 100%.

Good luck x

This is because the majority will conceive by one year (80%). IVF is costly, invasive and unpleasant, with potential series side effects. Look up OHSS. You should avoid it if at all possible.

You sound very stressed, and becoming obsessive. I would recommend replaxing, ditching the tests, and just having sex. Along with lifestyle changes (preconception vitamins for both, and a healthy lifestyle with minimal alcohol)

This. No one expected me to get hyperstimulation, but I did, and I was so ill for weeks.

You'd be crazy to go down the ivf route at this point. It's not all about whether you can afford it, it's about the impact on you and any subsequent pregnancy. The sonographer could tell I'd had ivf without even asking at my 12 week scan as my ovaries were still so enlarged. My DD was also of low birth weight, which is more common in ivf pregnancies, and I had to go in for daily monitoring towards the end of my pregnancy. It was extremely stressful.

With respect though, that chart is absolute rubbish meant to make you feel afraid about your chances and want to buy their product.

If there are potential sperm quality issues, you don't want to be having sex every day, every other day is considered better as you need to give the sperm a chance to "build up" for want of a better word.

It is also worth noting that what actually happens in unprotected sex is that (typical) sperm gets through MOST of the time - like 90-95% and an egg is fertilised. But then about 80% of the time, that fertilised egg gets discarded before it even implants because of poor egg or sperm quality.

That's why for a typically fertile couple, it actually makes very little difference whether you have sex once during the fertile window or 10x. You'll increase chances slightly by having sex more often, but most of the time the sperm will get through on the first try so the subsequent ones are irrelevant. The main reason to have sex multiple times is because most people are not really aware of when they ovulate, and might miss the window, or only catch the very edges of it which has a lower chance to conceive anyway.

If there are motility issues then it might be that you have fewer sperm getting through so it would make sense to try and hit multiple times during the fertile period. But unless you have really REALLY poor motility it's likely that at least some are making it. And the ones that go on to fertilise aren't necessarily the "best" - the idea of it being some kind of race or ninja warror challenge and only the strongest survive is just a myth - it's basically random.

@mariannaf oh bless you, well done for trying various projects already… you really are doing everything you can.
BTW, the exercise tip above is a very good one for both relieving stress & general health, keeps you busy too - no downside really. Maybe train for a marathon (or something sporty that feels unachievable at the moment?)

I hope the comments here maybe help to reassure you that you just need to reset the timeframe of expectation in your head.

Please believe everyone that 5 months is not long and try to enjoy your last year of sleeping through the night, and relative freedom to be spontaneous!

We look forward to you updating this same post sometime next year with your good news

f there are potential sperm quality issues, you don't want to be having sex every day, every other day is considered better as you need to give the sperm a chance to "build up" for want of a better word

My consultant disagreed. Never more than once a day was his rule.

You could try exercise and drinking camomile tea that helped me to conceive. How I conceived my last child because it took me 2 years I got a job in care and then I became pregnant. Care work is physically demanding. My partner said I did it on purpose 😂

You and your hubby should get to the gym and eat foods that will get you in the mood.

5 months and you’ve already check the quality of the sperm? I take this was done privately rather than via NHS?

I did four years of IVF and would have loved to have been pregnant naturally… it just wasn’t meant to be. However, we now have a very happy and healthy 2.5 year old. I completely understand how you feel when people say ‘just relax’ … if I had a $1 for every time people said that to me I’d have been able to pay for the bloody IVF and if you’re a naturally anxious person it’s really not that easy.

I truly don’t think you should do IVF just yet, purely because it is very expensive and horrible. However, if you really feel like you want to be ‘doing’ something, you could try IUI.. which is one down from IVF and not as invasive and may help if there is a particular issue with your husbands sperm?

OP, you are so familiar to me as you sound very like a lot of my friends: clever, high-achieving, affluent people who are used to exerting a high level of control over their life. Every one of us has had to let go of some of this control at some point during conception, pregnancy, birth or early parenthood.

It sounds like money isn’t an issue. I strongly encourage you to engage with some therapy or support to help you to learn how to let go a bit. You will be happier and healthier for it in the long run.

5 months is no time. If tests say there are no issues then ditch all the cycle tracking and ovulation sticks etc and just have a lot of sex - every other day at least.

One thing that helped me stress less was setting a date well ahead (for you, maybe the 12 month mark) and telling myself that would be the best time to conceive.

Then I planned all sorts of goals and activities to fill up the mean time that I'd always wanted to do or that I'd rather do before getting pregnant. Maybe redecorating the house or learning a language or going travelling or reading ten books about childrearing.

I convinced myself that X month would be the best time to conceive and that took the pressure off the next few months. Meanwhile keeping up having sex most nights.

I hope it goes well for you.

I don't think you'd be doing yourself any favours by lying. IVF isn't a walk in the path

Remember to enjoy your relationship and make time for each other without the spectre of TTC.
You sound awfully stressed because of a burning desire to get pregnant.
Please work on your mental health before you make yourself ill.

I think a lot of people are always surprised by how long it can actually take to get pregnant. Majority of my friends when trying for their first started to panics around the 6 month mark and most got pregnant within year.

I also know two couple who dis go through IVF after problems wee identified. It was very difficult, was physically, emotionally and mentally demanding and it's not something I would rush to do when you haven't given yourselves a fair chance at it. I know it is easier said than done, but I would just be patient for now.

I think if you didn’t know dh had a problem then it’s worth waiting longer as it’s just luck rather like heads/tails with a dice. Given you know there might be issues and you can afford private then do that whenever you feel like it.

Personally I’d set the appointment for a specific date in a few months time, so that you’ve got an end point to focus on. Then it’s just like waiting for Xmas with the anticipation, and if it happens earlier, naturally, then that’s a bonus.

Male fertility completely changes every 3 months unlike female fertility.

If a man exausts his supply through daily sex it takes 3 months to replace and return and then hes back to normal levels, its not a permanent thing.

You seem fairly set on it.

The only thing I would suggest is IUI before you go full tilt and embark on IVF and risk hyper stimulation amongst other things.

Also consider taking coQ10 supplements

I did IVF and I had severe OHSS.
OHSS makes the pain of childbirth look like a walk in the park.
it was incredibly painful, traumatic and stressful - IVF is not something you do because you are impatient. It is life-altering in many, many ways.

For my first after coming off birth control it took 6 months to conceive. For my second it happened the second month. We have no known fertility issues, sometimes it just takes a little longer. I don't think ivf is a quick process, at this point you could still conceive naturally within a year. Good luck :)

That is so lovely and true...

"Every one of us has had to let go of some of this control at some point during conception, pregnancy, birth or early parenthood."

I felt that whilst TTC, one of the moments in my life that I'd feel frustrated, looking up things, learning, doing all possible investigations, and then again to verify them.

But having a baby cannot be treated purely as a "project". You can control many things, but a large part is at the hands of Nature.
We think that we'll "crack it" because we've got pee sticks and blood tests, but failing month after month, was a humbling experience.

I'm not religious or spiritual, but making a new life is very natural and at the same time totally beyond us, and it's good to approach it with kindness, humbleness and respect.

another factor is that the older you are the more your fecundity - the ability to carry a pregnancy to term - declines, as well as fertility.

That's exactly as it should be, a 40 year old needs the help quicker and I'm glad that's who the help would be given to first.

Of. Purse it’s ok