AIBU to flex the truth on how long we've been trying

[mariannaf]

The older you get the longer, on average, for the average person, it should take to conceive, right? So why is it that couples over 35 have to wait a shorter amount of time before the docs will seriously consider helping them?

Let's say 2 couples have been trying for 6 months. One couple is 40 years old and the other is 25 years old. At 25yrs the average couple who are healthy would (probably) conceive before 6months and the fact that they haven't might indicate that there's an issue. Whereas at 40 the average may be above 6 months, and certainly longer average time at 40 than at 25, so the fact they haven't might mean they haven't been trying long enough. So why would the docs be willing to help the 40y.o but not 25y.o?

The reason I'm asking all this - we've been trying 5mo and so far no luck. We would be going via the private route anyway whether we go after 12 months or now, so is it worth flexing the truth a little and going to a private fertility clinic already for IVF or other treatments? I feel like even at private clinics, when we are happy to pay and not use NHS funds, they would stick with the 6mo vs 12mo rule because it is policy. We are 29 (me) and 34 (him). We've done sperm testing - he has borderline low sperm motility (29%) and borderline low sperm morphology (3%). We've also checked my uterus, fallopian tubes, done hormone testing on me - all fine. He is taking supplements

Zinc and pomegranate juice.

My advice: relax .

Stop worrying over it happening and just enjoy the sex between you both and time as a couple.

I was like you . Stressing quite a lot. Timings , positions etc etc . For five months. My husband got stressed , I fretted and things were really tense.
One month I literally was like “ fuck it” and tried to forget all about it. I did my best not to think about conceiving and concentrated on other stuff.

That was the month I fell pregnant with our now almost nearly 13 year old.

Second time round I was totally chilled. We had sex once that month. Just the once and I was pregnant with our now nine year old.

I really think you need to chill.

Good luck 🤞

All of this. With bells 🔔 on

A healthy couple will conceive with in 12 months at your age.

At 40 people are rarely 'healthy' in conception terms and do not have time to waste.

As someone who struggled for over 10 years with infertility (from younger than you) I will tell you 'lying' will not help you at all, even with years of trying under my belt there is fuck all help for people in their 20s.

People HATE this being said but it is true, the more you obsess the LESS likely you are to get pregnant. Our fertility genuinely reacts to stress, same way labor stalls in stressed women unless a physiological issue (life or death) overrides it.

Me and DH are both infertile, we actively tried for 10 years before IVF. I also tried unsuccessfully with 2 exs too.

I have been pregnant 4 times in 18 years... 1 was IVF after 10 years of trying (although I had a MMC at the 6 year mark) the other 3 was the 3 times I was NOT trying to get pregnant ironically (including during my cancer treatment which was the MMC).

Children who are conceived through IVF do have a greater risk of health conditions, so you're better trying to conceive naturally.

@NowWhattt honestly I would love to! But it's not as easy as thinking 'right, I'll just be relaxed this month'

This.

OP at 25 if there is a problem they still have plenty of time to deal with it. At 40 they don’t.

You’ve already established that you are going private and that the issue is with your husband. I don’t know why you are concerning yourself with this. Ploughing ivf at a young couple, who still have many reproductive years left at the drop of a hat is a poor use of resources; it can take up to a year to conceive even at that age. If there’s a problem such as sperm motility or endometriosis that problem will still remain and be largely unchanged after a further 6 months.

By the by, we had fertility issues, a lot of mc, could only have sex a limited amount due to pain. Steer clear of the ovulation tests they’re crap. BBT tracking with in mouth thermometer helped a lot and I fell pregnant several times with it.

If you’ve got the money to go private and want to I don’t see the issue it’s not using nhs resources it’s using your own wealth.

I’ve always conceived within the first or second month so I’m no use at this whole wait a year I’d honestly think something was wrong by six months or for me there would be.

Oh god every day. You will be wearing out what swimmers he has. That would happen even with regular men.

Sperm live for up to 7 days. As long as you have sex a few times around when you ovulate (BBT!) then that is enough.

I also had fertility acupuncture, would recommend.

Op it’s silly to lie, 5m is a very short time for your age group. Can take up to 12.

Chill out and enjoy your life kids are exhausting and you will miss a LOT of the freedoms you currently enjoy.

IVF is very stressful and invasive and I wouldn’t go putting yourselves through that when you haven’t even given natural a chance. Particularly when you’ve been over shagging a man with low sperm…. What did you think cranking up production would solve the problem - it doesn’t just depletes them further.

You have had all the tests that they would do prior to IVF etc anyway OP.

So.... what do you want to do? Keep having sex (as it's perfectly normal to take up to a year) or go through invasive fertility treatment? When you might not even need it.

These alone have risks/side effects.

They don't offer IVF until you have been trying for 2 years in the NHS.

As someone who it took 2.5 years to conceive (started ttc at 27 year old, unexplained infertility) and a failed IVF round... then conceived naturally after that.
I would continue to have sex!

Trust me, I’ve been there . Do your best to chill. Seriously 🩷

I know how you feel, as we tried for 4 months and it was so stressful on our relationship.. planned sex drove us to dispair. We decided not to monitor it anymore and just go with the flow and we conceived that next month. I don't think 5 months was long for trying though, even though it's super stressful. Stress can stop you from conceiving so you really need to try and chill.

Also my IVF cycle didn't go to plan as my body didn't respond and took that long for my body to go in 'shut down' aka menopausal symptoms galore! My cycle took nearly as long as you and your OH have tried to conceive!!

https://www.babycentre.co.uk/a7069/download-a-basal-body-temperature-and-cervical-mucus-chart

https://www.boots.com/braun-high-speed-digital-stick-thermometer-10276694

Try this before the fertility treatment. Your kid will cost you £10-20,000 a year so I would probably save your money for that. And twins are hard work and even more expensive, not to mention can be prem with lifelong health issues, so that’s another consideration when doing ivf. Don’t do it unless you actually need to.

I think it's quite obviously the every day sex was before we found out about low sperm....

Well it's not that obvious tbf, not when you didn't understand the (also obvious) reason for the difference in timescales for treatment between a 40 yr old and 25 yr old woman.

Honestly you do need to relax, if not in terms of your mood then certainly in terms of your approach. Have you actually spoken to women who have undergone IVF about how that experience was for them? Have you researched the risks, both for you and any baby conceived via IVF? Have you compared this to outcomes for natural conceptions?

It's an anxious time TTC if you are someone who likes things to move quickly, but you need to think logically and sensibly. IVF isn't a fast forward button for impatient people. It's an invasive, gruelling series of medical treatments - with a low success rate, btw - for couples dealing with infertility, that can push women to their limits and test the strongest relationships. Just be patient and sensible.

@mariannaf

How many months have you been trying sensibly since finding out about the sperm count?

Ie I would disregard the time spent shagging in a self defeating way from your overall 5 months.

@Incywincywoo 3 months!

This is mental. I got pregnant cycle 5 with DS1 and cycle 12 with DS2. I was mid & late 20s. 5 months is nothing. IVF is invasive & if the likelihood is neither of you have issues I think you should calm down.

The time is shorter for older women because the likelihood of them conceiving at all is so much lower and higher chance of disabilities etc.

5
Months is not very long. It's easy to get anxious about it when you're desperate for a baby. It's sounds as though you're worried given all the tests you've already had.

IVF is a horrendous experience for many, especially women and not to be entered into lightly. You still have plenty of opportunity to get pregnant naturally.

I'd after trying for a while longer you still have no luck then you have plenty of time to try fertility treatment whilst your chances are still good (from an age point of view).

Patience. But I know it's hard

@mariannaf

3 months is absolutely no time.

We tried for nearly a year both times (known fertility issues, told no chance), had several miscarriages along the way and to be honest I might not have known about them had I not been monitoring my cycles and bbt so closely….

Seriously you need to calm down. It is far too early to be going through ivf, it is a really stressful, expensive and unpleasant experience. With potentially negative outcomes for offspring.

I know you will have got a shock from DH’s results but he still has a tonne of sperm that is viable so give it a chance.

What are you doing to track ovulation?

It's 5 months of trying.
The response "3 months" was an answer to someone who asked how long we've been having sex on alternate days

BBT and ovulation sticks