AIBU to flex the truth on how long we've been trying

[mariannaf]

The older you get the longer, on average, for the average person, it should take to conceive, right? So why is it that couples over 35 have to wait a shorter amount of time before the docs will seriously consider helping them?

Let's say 2 couples have been trying for 6 months. One couple is 40 years old and the other is 25 years old. At 25yrs the average couple who are healthy would (probably) conceive before 6months and the fact that they haven't might indicate that there's an issue. Whereas at 40 the average may be above 6 months, and certainly longer average time at 40 than at 25, so the fact they haven't might mean they haven't been trying long enough. So why would the docs be willing to help the 40y.o but not 25y.o?

The reason I'm asking all this - we've been trying 5mo and so far no luck. We would be going via the private route anyway whether we go after 12 months or now, so is it worth flexing the truth a little and going to a private fertility clinic already for IVF or other treatments? I feel like even at private clinics, when we are happy to pay and not use NHS funds, they would stick with the 6mo vs 12mo rule because it is policy. We are 29 (me) and 34 (him). We've done sperm testing - he has borderline low sperm motility (29%) and borderline low sperm morphology (3%). We've also checked my uterus, fallopian tubes, done hormone testing on me - all fine. He is taking supplements

Speaking as a woman who went through ten rounds of IVF starting at 29. If there was even a chance I could have conceived naturally at that age I would have left it well alone.

The IVF route is expensive, invasive, painful both emotionally and physically and your chances of success will pretty similar in two years time as you are still young.

I didn't have a choice as we had almost zero motility.

My advice would be to try advanced relaxation techniques, have a lot of sex, have more sex and eat nutritionally dense foods. Also, strangely, cuddle other people's babies.

If nothing has worked in 12 months time, call the clinic.

I definitely get that. Maybe try booking a holiday/weekend away around your fertile window, have fun and distract yourself as much as possible?

I have 2 close friends that struggled to conceive (for 2+ years) and ended up conceiving naturally: one had already booked their IVF treatment, and the other one was applying for adoption. So in their cases “relaxing” meant completely forgetting about trying naturally and only then it worked. Anecdotal of course, but there seems to be some correlation between stress and conception.

Aww OP, nothing to add as the other PP’s have given some solid advice but just a bit of solidarity as I remember how tearful and frustrated I got with trying to conceive my first. Five months really isn’t that long, it took 7 months with my first and then one slightly drunken night with my DH for my second. Sometimes there are no fertility issues and it just takes time for some people. Good luck anyway. Hopefully you will come back in the future to update this thread with good news 🙂

@evuscha I've actually been doing this. I was on holiday for part of the TWW in June, August and September... still, I felt like I was just rushing my holiday away ("can't wait till Tuesday so I can test"). And then felt guilty for wishing time away with my DH or my parents as one of the hols was visiting them

@evuscha also (sorry to reply in 2 posts!!) I would love to relax or forget about ovulation but it just doesn't seem like something I control. If I'm worried I feel worried. Any tips to relax are very welcome though

Most people will conceive after a year. IVF is hard work and doesn't guarantee a baby and has lots of risks. You'd be mad to rush into it at 5 months unless there were known issues.

Over 35s start the process earlier, but that's because they are more likely to have issues and have less time. I believe the NHS guidelines still won't start IVF over 35 until you've been trying 2 years unless testing shows a clear issue which needs intervention although I may be wrong.

Is your partner taking supplements, avoiding alcohol etc? Are you taking prenatals and doing the same? I'm pretty sure taking CoQ10 helped me.

There is no shorter 6 month rule for older couples, at 40 we still had to wait the 12 months. You haven't been trying long I'd relax and give it a bit longer if I were you 🤷‍♀️

It is a myth that everyone gets pregnant immediately on trying. 80% of couples get pregnant within a year and 90% of couples get pregnant within 2 years. It is completely normal for it to take a while.

I know it feels horrible when you're trying. You spend your life trying to prevent pregnancy until you are ready and then when you're ready you think it will happen as soon as you remove contraception. And 5 months is a long time to wait for something you really want in life. Unfortunately it's not long in terms of conceiving. IVF is hard and not something you want to pursue due to impatience rather than necessity. And at your age you have the time to let nature have a good try first. I'd start to meet with private clinics no sooner than a year.

From someone who has spent over £20k on unsuccessful ivf: don’t even consider it at 5 months!!! That’s a crazy idea when you’re so young and have been hardly trying any time at all. You need a bit of patience!

IVF isn't easy or pleasant. I actually decided against it after seeing what a close friend went through. You should definitely wait, 5 months isn't very long although I appreciate every month is painful when TTC.

Getting pregnant naturally would be better for you emotionally and physically so that's probably why waiting a year is suggested at your age. If you do give it a year , having already had tests so everything is working fine, I'd bet you'll end up pregnant.

It’s not just the 5 months it’s his sperm issues - a private clinic would not be worried about the length of you trying so need to bother about lying to them. You can also have artificial insemination where they can reduce the bad swimmers in his sample and time the insemination with your cycle. The nhs has guidelines for trying due to costs.

A lot of private clinics wouldn't necessarily do any tests before 12 months either.

I had 2 miscarriages and saw a private consultant then, I had some issues fixed and then I asked him what happened if we didn't get pregnant again and he said he wouldn't do anything until at least 12 months.

The tests are really invasive and stressful, it's not a pleasant time at all. The reason it's 12 months is because the majority of people do conceive in that time.

Make you sure you're doing ovulation tests everyday, I sometimes ovulated a lot later than I thought and use the flo app to track.

It is hard but you're making it more difficult for yourself I think.

Recommend you have acupuncture

I know when you’re in the thick of it it is all consuming and feels like forever. We were trying for a year with our first, both slim, active, I barely drink. DH a little more but not a lot, don’t smoke, I was 26 and DH was 31. Still took us 12 months! I had two friends get pregnant shortly after me that were literally one time slip ups, infuriating! But that’s life.

The month we conceived was I hate to say it the month we relaxed a bit, DH got sent away with work for 6 months and managed to come home one random weekend, we had sex twice and that did it.

So if I'm reading this correctly you have had three months of sex every other day, at that point you got tested, you've since been trying two months (presumably more focused around ovulation).

You do realise IVF is not a guaranteed win? You probably still have better odds with natural TTC at this point. Stopping TTC to go down all the ivf route may in fact be counterproductive for you!

Yes it's tense and not a nice time but the thing I would be trying to tackle is your obvious stress over it all. Fill your days with other things, get off all the TTC/pregnancy stuff you're doubtless reading online, talk about something else with your husband, try some mindfulness and exercise. And of course good luck 💐

You've not really given the lifestyle changes a chance to kick in. It's far too early for IVF. Why would you want to put yourself through it?

You've asked a few times for tips on how to relax. I would say that if you're having sex every other day throughout your cycle apart from your period, then stop tracking, stop testing, stop trying! Stop even thinking about it and it's likely to happen.

I'm not sure about the whole relax thing. My daughter took 7 months (my son before her was the first try, we did nothing differently with her). The time it worked was the time I really didn't want to dtd, we were leaving for an early flight and I wanted to go to sleep. But dtd anyway as the time was right. And that's when she was conceived!

I remember 7 months feeling like an eternity. It will never happen. Secondary infertility. All these concerns. But then the moment it did happen I forgot about all that and now in hindsight it wasn't long at all.

Keep going, dtd at the right time. You've tested for issues, so with this it should come.

Something that helped me deal with the unsuccessful months was telling myself - and maybe I've made this up but still it helped - my body looked at the sperm and egg available and decided they weren't a good match. It wasn't going to be a healthy pregnancy and so it didn't allow it to happen.

Now my daughter is here I'm so glad it took 7 months, so that it was her egg that was chosen 🥰

This sounds obsessive.

@mariannaf I had 7 rounds of IVF and if you thought a holiday was ruined during your TWW trying naturally and so early - it is nothing compared to the rollercoaster of TWW during IVF.
I declined holiday invitations, pulled out of sporting events, couldn’t fly to attend my Nans funeral (I’d started the injections for egg collection).

Please try for 12 months before putting yourself through IVF - it is not easy, guaranteed or cheap. My mental health was wrecked.

Was your husband's low sperm count diagnosed in a clinic or using a home test? I ask because we used the Exceed home test which showed my husband had low sperm count and motility but when we went for IVF everything was fine. I'm over 35 and we still tried for over 12 months before going down the IVF route - and conceived so easily that way I do regret not trying naturally a bit longer as there was no obvious reason for our infertility.

I would definitely not recommend lying and starting IVF after only 5 months of trying. At 29 you've got plenty of time. I fully understand the frustration and how annoying it is when people say 'just relax!' but certainly getting too stressed about everything can affect both of you. I don't know whether you are, but try not telling your husband when you are in your fertile window. My husband said that knowing when I was fertile made him feel very pressured, so I still tested but didn't let him know.

Good luck, hope you get you BFP soon

I'm not particularly fussed about the holiday and I don't think it was ruined, wouldn't care much if it was. I was just pointing out that the holidays didn't HELP with the TWW (they also weren't all planned that way, the timing more or less coincided)

YABVU the guidelines are there for a reason, 5 months isn't long and if you continue trying for the time specified and you still aren't pregnant then you still have plenty of time for testing and interventions, unlike someone in their late 30s/40s. However I know people do it, a close friend of mine did at a time when we had suffered multiple miscarriages and been made to wait years before testing and she just jumped the queue because she lied.

@mariannaf get your husband to try proxeed plus, you can buy it from amazon. It was recommended to us by the doctor when we began fertility investigations after over a year of no success (testing showed 0% normal morphology) and I fell pregnant naturally 2 months later! Can't say for definite that it was what helped his sperm as he had also quit a stressful job and gone self employed within that time, but if you're willing to pay for ivf, a few months of proxeed could be worth a shot!

Ugh. This has left a bad taste in my mouth. As if 5 months ttc at 29 years old needs extra help right now. Incredibly selfish.