AIBU to flex the truth on how long we've been trying

[mariannaf]

The older you get the longer, on average, for the average person, it should take to conceive, right? So why is it that couples over 35 have to wait a shorter amount of time before the docs will seriously consider helping them?

Let's say 2 couples have been trying for 6 months. One couple is 40 years old and the other is 25 years old. At 25yrs the average couple who are healthy would (probably) conceive before 6months and the fact that they haven't might indicate that there's an issue. Whereas at 40 the average may be above 6 months, and certainly longer average time at 40 than at 25, so the fact they haven't might mean they haven't been trying long enough. So why would the docs be willing to help the 40y.o but not 25y.o?

The reason I'm asking all this - we've been trying 5mo and so far no luck. We would be going via the private route anyway whether we go after 12 months or now, so is it worth flexing the truth a little and going to a private fertility clinic already for IVF or other treatments? I feel like even at private clinics, when we are happy to pay and not use NHS funds, they would stick with the 6mo vs 12mo rule because it is policy. We are 29 (me) and 34 (him). We've done sperm testing - he has borderline low sperm motility (29%) and borderline low sperm morphology (3%). We've also checked my uterus, fallopian tubes, done hormone testing on me - all fine. He is taking supplements

5 months is no time at all.

It’s going to be a long old road if you’re this anxious already.

Should also add my husband was in the bottom 10% on sperm count and motility, 18m sperm per ml. Anything under 15m (bottom 5%) is considered low.

We conceived naturally after 10 months (6 months of using the clear blue ovulation monitor). Anything under a year is considered completely normal.

Fertility declines much faster age 35 plus hence shorter intervention time.

Completely agree, a lot of people seem to assume you just have ivf and get handed a baby.

I think typically because most of the time you only hear about the success stories - not enough people talk about how unlikely it is to work, how hard it is, how utterly soul destroying it is.

Theres no need whatsoever to jump to ivf after five months, and no guarantee even if you do that it’ll be an easy or successful ride, so just keep trying and only go that route as a very last resort.

Yabu, it took me 5 and 6 months to get pregnant at 20 and 22, give it 12 months and then seek help.

Don't put yourself through IVF if you've only been TTC, that would be utter madness. IVF is not a guarantee I think its a roughly 30% chance of a live birth in your age group. They have a slight higher chance of miscarriage and this may be anecdotal but I think IVF carries a higher risk of missed miscarriage, my IVF pregnancy ended in a mmc and I had to have a D&C. The only other women I know who have mmcs are women who have done IVF (of course it can happen in natural pregnancy but it just seems higher within IVF). My next two pregnancies were natural and I made it to term.

Then there's the emotional toll of IVF, the dreaded 2ww to find out if you're pregnant and then when you think you're home and dry when you see the BFP the fear of the scan kicks in and then you have the hellish 3ww to see if your pregnancy is viable, that is even worse than the 2ww.

5 months is totally normal, time is still on your side, I'd continue down the natural route and see someone at 12 months if you're not pregnant. I know how frustrating it is when TTC and it not happening but you'd be mad to do IVF if you didn't need it!

Due to the increase in aneuploidy rates linked to maternal age in couples TTC over 35

You might find the book Taking Charge of your Fertility helpful. A couple of tips from there which I tried and may have helped: make sure your bedroom is pitch black at night, minimise use of plastic in drinks and food containers, TTC a couple of days before ovulation.

This.

Acupuncture 'works' for fertility just because it relaxes women (fake acupuncture with randomly placed needles works just as well because its just as relaxing).

Why are you in such a rush to have assistance conception? Do you know how awful IVF is?

I have DS1 from successful ivf after being told it was ivf or nothing, no point trying other fertility treatment first etc. ivf was my only hope. I'd have given anything to have been told give it time or try x,y z before hedging everything on ivf.

5 months is nothing - keep going, live your life each day and have fun and try as you go, that time will tick off and you'll be at a year in no time.

@boomtickhouse first 2 months it was every day during my fertile window. Since then, every other day throughout the month except my period (because it would gross my husband out to have blood everywhere during sex, and my cycles are 29-30 days so not too short and unlikely to ovulate during period)

What supplements did you and your DH take?

My first DC took two months to conceive when I was age 30. Second took 8 months age 32. Third was aged 35, the one time we had sex that month. Taking 5 months does NOT mean there’s a problem with your fertility.

Hi OP. I've been through years of IVF and various other fertility treatments and honestly, they are not fun, and have a huge impact on your emotional and physical health. Take it from me - you really, really don't want to put yourself through this if you don't have to.

At your ages, I know it might feel frustrating, but you have so much time. And I know it feels a lot but 5 months trying is nothing. That's 5 tries at something that has around a 15-20% chance at working each month, if you've timed it perfectly.

Honeslty - give it a bit longer.

Please don't 'flex the truth' - for your own sake as much as those who are genuinely in need and on waiting lists. Don't put yourself through what could be a totally unnecessary medical intervention.

The reason they will help a 40 year old after 6 months is because they have less time left to try naturally. You have lots of time.

Five months isn't long (although I know it feels it when ttc). A year is really normal for young healthy couples. It took me nearly two. Nothing was wrong, it is just how it is.

Also OP, if you need more input to sway you. I first had IVF when I was under 30 and a healthy, fertile woman (our issues are male factor). Nobody foresaw that anything would go wrong with the treatment. But I got ovarian hyperstimulation and ended up hospitalised. It was traumatic.

IVF isn't the cure to all your problems. It's bloody hard, it's invasive, and it's an uphill slog. It is much more difficult than what you are doing now which is having sex every month. It should be your last resort, as previous posters have said.

You really do have time on your side - both of you.

5 months is nothing! When I was TTC, I looked at the odds and it said that 50% of healthy women under 35 would conceive in the first 6 months of trying, and 80% within the first 12 months. Give it 12 months.

You seem to dismiss relaxing, but it’s important. If you’re stressed, your body will actively stop conception because it doesn’t want to bring a baby into a stressed world. Eat well, exercise moderately, make sure you’re both ok with vitamins and minerals and relax. Use Mindfulness, Tai Chi or Qigong.

Yes YABU. As PP have said, 5 months is nothing and it's quite selfish to potentially divert NHS funds away from someone who genuinely needs them (should you go via NHS, if you want to waste your own money that's on you). Also as PP have said, IVF is bloody hard and I would absolutely recommend avoiding it, relaxing as much as possible and letting things happen. I have many friends who have conceived via IVF for different reasons and every single one of them has said how absolutely shitty it is.

I know that's patronising and irritating to hear and all the other bullshit, but we tried for 2.5 years for DD1, I had all of the tests available and then DH did an OTC fertility test and found a low sperm count. He had it investigated and they found a very low sperm count with low motility. They told us we wouldn't conceive naturally. DH started taking supplements, and we were placed on the IVF waiting list - first month on the list and we got a BFP. I'm now pregnant with DD2, which took us about a year, again looked at IVF and sorted out finances (as no longer eligible for NHS funding), put ourselves on the private IVF waiting list and bang, pregnant.

’Seek help’ does not = ‘because you have a problem’

It is general advice, and in nhs terms means you are now eligible for help. It is set to manage nhs resources. An older person has less time on their side, and higher risk. So they get prioritised.

There is a high chance you will go on to have a healthy pregnancy. It’s important this is plan A so not to overburden the NHS resources. If you get help now, you doing so might mean an older person runs out of time. If plan A doesn’t work for you, you will still be able to get help, and you still won’t be as old as the 35 year old.

A private clinic turning you away for IVF at 5 months TTC is just being honest that it’s really worth you trying naturally for longer first. Ethically they wont like taking you on too early in your journey. You can lie if you want and they’ll take you on. Doesn’t affect anyone but you. But do not lie to the NHS as you might take away someone else’s chance.

All of that said, I’m sorry you’re going through this x

@DesTeeny which supplements did he take?

It doesn't automatically indicate a problem if you haven't conceived after 6 months, at any age.

The reason they would want to see the 40 year old after 6 months is because by that age they will have a reduced ovarian reserve, so if they want to conceive they need to get going, and they are more likely to need intervention than you.

It doesn't mean they will never conceive - just that they are a priority to be seen because they don't have much time.

At your age, if you have been trying a year then there might be a problem, so that's when they'd want to see you. It really doesn't mean anything that you haven't conceived after 5 months. Conception takes time. Some people take a year or two with no issues at all.

I was only 3 years older than you and it still took 14 months - we were both tested at 13 months, no issues, and then my next period never came.

You are low-level panicking because you've had some test results back but it is entirely fair of the NHS to expect someone under 30 (with better egg quality than a 40 year old) to try 12 cycles.

Listen to this poster!

It took me 9 months to conceive at 24. I think it just happened to be the right time. We had decided it would be our last try as we didn't want a December baby. And I think it just happened. Probably because we didn't expect anything to happen.

We had conceived our first baby as a surprise when not trying and contraceptive failure.