AIBU to flex the truth on how long we've been trying

[mariannaf]

The older you get the longer, on average, for the average person, it should take to conceive, right? So why is it that couples over 35 have to wait a shorter amount of time before the docs will seriously consider helping them?

Let's say 2 couples have been trying for 6 months. One couple is 40 years old and the other is 25 years old. At 25yrs the average couple who are healthy would (probably) conceive before 6months and the fact that they haven't might indicate that there's an issue. Whereas at 40 the average may be above 6 months, and certainly longer average time at 40 than at 25, so the fact they haven't might mean they haven't been trying long enough. So why would the docs be willing to help the 40y.o but not 25y.o?

The reason I'm asking all this - we've been trying 5mo and so far no luck. We would be going via the private route anyway whether we go after 12 months or now, so is it worth flexing the truth a little and going to a private fertility clinic already for IVF or other treatments? I feel like even at private clinics, when we are happy to pay and not use NHS funds, they would stick with the 6mo vs 12mo rule because it is policy. We are 29 (me) and 34 (him). We've done sperm testing - he has borderline low sperm motility (29%) and borderline low sperm morphology (3%). We've also checked my uterus, fallopian tubes, done hormone testing on me - all fine. He is taking supplements

How does getting drunk help? Is this a method to try?

This. Why you want to have IVF unless it’s the absolute last resort. Of course the clinics will do it, they are businesses. But 5 months is not long, I’d give it at least a year and probably 18 months at your ages.

Honestly I would wait. All medical interventions have risks. Why would you take that risk if you don't need to? I don't mean to be unkind OP but honestly 5 months is NO time. Really.
We needed 5 and a half (the half was a frozen embryo) rounds of IVF to get pregnant and it was miserable. While we were going through our 2nd attempt at IVF one of DHs friends (who knew!!!) told him that he and his partner were struggling to conceive. DH being an empathetic person agreed to meet him for a drink and a chat about it. Turns out they'd been trying for just 7 fucking months but wanted sympathy.
And they actually conceived naturally about 2 months later. I mean read the room!

Hiya, usually if you said it would just be 5 months I would definitely say wait a year, it's not long enough
However your partners sperm results although borderline are actually low and do indicate a potential problem
We had similar results and did go down the IVF route, we didn't get pregnant naturally in 3 years and I had no issues my side same as you x
If you go private it doesn't matter anyway what you say as you're paying , good luck !

You’re warping ‘logic’ (or your version of it) because of anxiety over conceiving. It’s time to address your anxiety, not fast track fertility treatments. I can appreciate in TTC mode, 5 months feels like a long time, but it isn’t by any stretch of the imagination. You are experiencing an entirely normal journey and you just have to accept it.

Can you genuinely not work out the reason why? Surely common sense would answer your question.
5mths is nothing and yes you would be very unreasonable to lie to professionals to try and jump the queue when you're still in your 20's.

I cannot explain in words strongly enough how stressful and expensive IVF is and how I would avoid it by having more fucking sex if I was young and had been waiting a mere five months.

Love from: a woman who miscarried four IVF embryos at a cost of £25k at an age significantly beyond yours.

5 months of TTC is nothing. If you're this stressed after 5 months at 29 years old then imagine how you're going to feel over fertility treatment.

And no, 5 months is not remotely indicative of a problem for a 29 year old. And the one thing you seem not to have tried, is chilling out about it - easier said than done, I know but worth as much as many other techniques.

It’s not a method but somewhere around month 8 or 9 we thought fuck it, nothing else is working, we know loads of people who’ve got pregnant after a drunken night so what did we have to lose.

Five months?

I mean if you're going private then fair enough, you won't be wasting NHS (already overstretched) resources, but I think you may end up wasting your money and potentially putting yourself through unnecessary treatment.

Are you tracking fertility signs etc. and making sure you're shagging plenty during your most fertile window (and plenty either side of it too)?

I would also highly recommend the Clearblue fertility monitor (the advanced one). So much better than those awful cheap ovulation sticks, along with tracking BBT and examining your cervical mucus. Also if you track BBT it will give you a good idea of whether your cycles are in the realms of normal, no short luteal phase for example).

I was TTC for about 7 months with my first - I do understand the disappointment, as I think we're programmed to think that getting pregnant must be easy because we try so hard to avoid it before we are trying for a baby, so it can be a bit of a shock to discover that actually it's not necessarily that straightforward for everyone. But panicking at five months is OTT IMO. You need to remember there is only a 20% chance of pregnancy per cycle.

Are you doing anything that might reduce your chances (using normal lube for example) that you could look to eliminate?

Agreed.

IVF is a HARD road.
I would 100% give it a year and loads of sex before opting for IVF.

You have already had all the tests. What is your DH doing to improve his sperm?

I also wouldn't waste my time looking at what people in their 40s are doing.

For all those that suggest 'relaxing about it' as a method to conceive. Trust me, I've thought of that but I can't exactly help worrying if that's how I feel?

5 months is literally no time at all. We took 10 months to conceive.

If you’re worried book a fertility MOT c£600 and the do all the tests etc. and we were told we could conceive naturally and put our minds at rest. We’d probably been trying as long as you when we went for ours.

But lying about it to get ivf even if it’s private is madness! I’ve not had ivf but heard it’s a gruelling process and I don’t know why you put yourself through that when you’ve not been trying very long.

@Totalwasteofpaper he's almost completely given up drinking (maybe 1-2 drinks max per fortnight, and usually only 1-2 per month really), takes Impryl, no longer uses cycling or rowing machines at the gym, more exercise, we're both on a much healthier diet

I don't think you understand how difficult ivf is. 5 months is not long enough.

Op people are telling you from experience that IVF will ruin you and is a last resort. Its also bloody expensive. Try for longer. Like I said previously, you need to be having a lot of sex. Despite what school teaches us in sex Ed, it's actually not that easy to get pregnant as circumstances have to be very precise!

How often are you having sex?

This. It’s considered normal to take up to year to conceive.

5 months is absolutely nothing and actually pretty insulting to all those here who have been struggling (by struggling I mean not just being impatient). You are underestimating the impact IVF has on a person. I’ve spent £34k trying to have a child, and I still don’t have one. Arguing you should be seen sooner because at 29 you should get pregnant right as well is ridiculous. 18 months can be considered normal, especially if your cycles are longer.

If you want to pay for it then by all means lie, you’ll very quickly find out IVF was a shit way to spend a LOT of money for the equivalent chance of conceiving naturally.

Also to add, get the book it starts with the egg and have your husband take all the supplements (yes they are expensive) but we saw huge huge improvements. They recommend doing for 6 months before IVF anyway so more time to try if you do go down that route !

I am sorry you are stressed about this, if doesn’t sound very pleasant for you. I’m quite an impatient person and can get a big obsessive about things. Have you spoken to your partner about how you feel? Mine is very good at helping out my feet back on the ground.

Obviously you can say what you want to who you want, no one can stop you, however, I think it would be pretty irrational based on everything you’re said. Lots of women on here have spoken about how terrible ivf is, I suspect you are just fixating on being pregnant so it’s probably not sinking in but for the sake of your relationship and your MH, I would actively try snd address your anxiety about TTC. Can you speak to a therapist? Might be money better spent than ivf at this stage. Good luck

Why be giving yourself injections and painful procedures that are less likely to work than having sex? Also, ivf route your have a higher risk of severe complications like placenta attaching in wrong place. It's great the option is available as a last resort, but I wouldn't recommend. Do you know anyone that's had it? They'll tell it like it is.

You sound extremely anxious about something that might not even be an issue yet. Just let some time pass rather than jumping on a journey that you might not have needed to.

100% this. At your age you have time to enjoy ttc, fertility treatment can really take it's toll and adds a huge amount of pressure so I would try for at least a year.

I would bear in mind there could be long term issues with ivf dc or the woman having the treatment.
Both my dc have asd/adhd issues.
I had 3 general anaesthetic ops which can deplete b12.