Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think all parents yell

171 replies

fit2023 · 14/09/2023 11:02

I am a 'gentle' parent (in quotation marks because the word means different things to different people) and I have yelled at my dc.

I always talk about it later with them. I take responsibility for my yelling, and tell them it's not their fault I have used my 'scary' voice.

When I feel like all is good (we have a strong connection again), I try and understand why they did/ said what they did before I lost it and suggest better ways for them to react next time I.e. correct their behaviour that way, with calm authority.

Posting this as often when a parent says 'I yelled at dc' they're being attacked on here.
We are all human and there's often many things going on for us. As long as we try and fix things as we go, think how to do things differently next time, we are doing parenting right.

OP posts:
VelvetUndergrounds · 14/09/2023 11:20

You'll get varying responses, I guess. My husband has never yelled at our children once (10yrs and 20yrs). Or raised his voice really. I can't say that I have 'yelled', I like to use 'the look' or some choice words. But I think both of our children very much don't like to get in trouble. Mind you, our daughter is just entering into the realm of pre-teenager-ness so is starting to push back a bit. The next few years will be interesting!

Whawillthefuturebring · 14/09/2023 11:22

What do you mean by yelling? Your post suggest a stern voice but most people would assume yelling is shouting.

TheBarbieEffect · 14/09/2023 11:23

Well no, I’ve never shouted or yelled at my child. I’ve never been that out of control.

Chickenkeev · 14/09/2023 11:24

I don't think i've yelled in anger. I would have shouted if a situation warranted ("don't touch that" etc). I have wanted to yell a few times though...

WeWereInParis · 14/09/2023 11:31

I've never heard my own dad raise his voice in any circumstance, ever. He certainly never yelled at us.

Original poster
fit2023 · 14/09/2023 11:33

TheBarbieEffect · 14/09/2023 11:23

Well no, I’ve never shouted or yelled at my child. I’ve never been that out of control.

Can I ask how old is your child?

OP posts:
Thegoodbadandugly · 14/09/2023 11:35

Not all parents yell, yelling all the time is detrimental to a child's mental health. It is normal now and again, not all the time.

TempName247 · 14/09/2023 11:36

i think it’s normal to shout, for example my DC starts to pour water on the floor - I use a stern sharp voice to say ‘no, don’t do that’, if they then continue the behaviour I shout ‘NO!’. It’s not being out of control and ranting and raving, it’s a raised voice to convey the seriousness.

TheBarbieEffect · 14/09/2023 11:36

fit2023 · 14/09/2023 11:33

Can I ask how old is your child?

Show quote history

I have two, but one is only a baby. The toddler is nearly 3, and we all know how trying they can be.

Goldmember · 14/09/2023 11:36

Of course parents yell at their kids, even if it is to stop them hurting themselves. I was strict with mine when they were little, didn't shout much, "the look" was enough. Now they are tween and teen, they are pretty well behaved. I have some normal pushback and cheekiness and I sometimes have to repeat instructions but they know that good behaviour is rewarded and bad behaviour is punished without compromise.

Chickenkeev · 14/09/2023 11:38

Goldmember · 14/09/2023 11:36

Of course parents yell at their kids, even if it is to stop them hurting themselves. I was strict with mine when they were little, didn't shout much, "the look" was enough. Now they are tween and teen, they are pretty well behaved. I have some normal pushback and cheekiness and I sometimes have to repeat instructions but they know that good behaviour is rewarded and bad behaviour is punished without compromise.

"The look" made me laugh! My mum had "the look", it was most effective!

WeWereInParis · 14/09/2023 11:40

TempName247 · 14/09/2023 11:36

i think it’s normal to shout, for example my DC starts to pour water on the floor - I use a stern sharp voice to say ‘no, don’t do that’, if they then continue the behaviour I shout ‘NO!’. It’s not being out of control and ranting and raving, it’s a raised voice to convey the seriousness.

I agree with you in that I do not think a shout automatically equals a loss of control.

I once yelled at DD1 in the car for unbuckling her car seat on the motorway (smart motorway, nowhere I could stop). I wasn't out of control. The yelling was a conscious choice to convey the absolute seriousness.

Thegoodbadandugly · 14/09/2023 11:40

Your not yelling at a toddler are you?

Original poster
fit2023 · 14/09/2023 11:42

Thegoodbadandugly · 14/09/2023 11:40

Your not yelling at a toddler are you?

Nope. Preteen + teen

Never had any trouble being heard pre school years.

OP posts:
Coral569 · 14/09/2023 11:43

I think it's completely normal.

comedownwithme · 14/09/2023 11:43

No yelling here

Dc age range up to 22 (years)

Snowpaw · 14/09/2023 11:43

"I try and understand why they did/ said what they did before I lost it and suggest better ways for them to react next time I.e. correct their behaviour that way, with calm authority".

The reflection with the children shouldn't be on what they did to cause you to yell. It should be on how you reached that point of loss of control and how you can avoid doing that next time.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 14/09/2023 11:44

Everybody shouts occasionally. Nobody is saying it is constantly. And it doesn't equate to being out of control. It is a warning to the child that they are getting very close to consequences and need to stop now.

Staggersaurus · 14/09/2023 11:45

I can be stern but I have never yelled. My eldest is 12 for context.

I’m just not a shouty, loud person and neither is my DH. I think my kids would shit a brick if we shouted at them. At least we have that in the bag in case we need it 😁

budgiegirl · 14/09/2023 11:47

I think almost all parents yell at some point, on the odd occasion. It wouldn't be good if it was happening all the time, but I think that the parent who never shouts is a very rare breed indeed.

FanFckingTastic · 14/09/2023 11:47

Any parent that claims that they have never or will never raise their voice to their children are talking BS in my opinion.

If your child is about to put themselves in danger then I don't think that there is anyone on the planet that wouldn't shout 'stop!' or 'no!' The raised voice conveys how serious the situation is and that immediate action is required.

Yelling at kids as form of punishment is something completely different however.

Likeaburstcouch · 14/09/2023 11:49

Unfortunately I have a short temper so I do sometimes lose control and shout when stressed eg getting them both out of the house in the morning. I really try not to.

fearfuloffluff · 14/09/2023 11:50

I think raising your voice now and again is a healthy thing, the parents I know who never yell actually have this creepy passive aggressive barely-contained frustration thing going on.

Kid throws something at your head when they're of an age to understand that's a shitty thing to do. Entirely reasonable to yell at them.

I also think it's culturally specific, UK/US gentle parenting stuff makes being always super calm a goal to achieve - other cultures would see this as a bit cold and stiff, letting it all hang out is arguably emotionally healthier. I know Italian, Portuguese, South African parents who all voice anger spontaneously, does the kids no harm. Kids are smart enough to tell a parent who is frustrated and annoyed from one who is aggressive and out of control.

MissInterpretation · 14/09/2023 11:50

I've never had to yell at anyone until last week when I saw some bullying going in a grassed area near a busy road where I was stuck in traffic. I shouted in my loudest ever voice across several lanes of traffic and to my shock the bigger boy stopped hurting the smaller boy and off they went. I shocked myself as I have never had to even raise my voice with my kids, so this was a first!

I think I'm really lucky to have very laid back kids who seem to want to stay out of trouble. I also think that yelling can be really counterproductive if you do it too much. One of my neighbours is constantly yelling at his kids, and they are genuinely doing nothing wrong, just playing, but he wears their names out and you can see them just switching off. Kids who are constantly shouted out soon learn to tune out of it. But if you're usually quite chilled out, as soon as you do have to say no or give them 'the look,' they know you mean it.

Howtohideasausage · 14/09/2023 11:52

I yelled at my five year old this morning as he wandered into the road.

My mum used to shout at me, long shouty rants berating me for ages.

Those are two different things. I talk very sternly to my kids (eldest is 11) if I need to (ex teacher). I don’t rant at them. Sometimes I shout ‘put you shoes on!’ If it’s the 8th time of asking. I don’t do tirades.