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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think all parents yell

171 replies

fit2023 · 14/09/2023 11:02

I am a 'gentle' parent (in quotation marks because the word means different things to different people) and I have yelled at my dc.

I always talk about it later with them. I take responsibility for my yelling, and tell them it's not their fault I have used my 'scary' voice.

When I feel like all is good (we have a strong connection again), I try and understand why they did/ said what they did before I lost it and suggest better ways for them to react next time I.e. correct their behaviour that way, with calm authority.

Posting this as often when a parent says 'I yelled at dc' they're being attacked on here.
We are all human and there's often many things going on for us. As long as we try and fix things as we go, think how to do things differently next time, we are doing parenting right.

OP posts:

LuciferRising · 14/09/2023 23:28

Same here. Never needed too. Still time but didn't yell with my DSSs either. Do wonder whether I'm smug and she'll be worse than her brothers.

Marblessolveeverything · 14/09/2023 23:31

I haven't so far, mid teen and 10 year old. I hate hearing it, I wouldn't expect a colleague nor teacher to yell so why would I yell at my children.

I have had a lot of conversations with people about how everyone yells etc well no not everyone does because there are those of us who don't like it and find it intimidating as adults. How on earth does that come across to a smaller person 🤷‍♂️

DivorcedDiva · 14/09/2023 23:35

I shout at my DC all the time, usually to tell them to stop winding each other up and stop bickering. I get the point that it loses its effectiveness but at the same time, it has also lost its 'harmfulness'. My DC know the times when I go very quiet and talk through gritted teeth is when they have crossed the line and I'm really annoyed with them.

fuckssaaaaake · 15/09/2023 06:59

@TheBarbieEffect haha of course you havnt at that age. Bless

JennyForeigner · 15/09/2023 07:07

Christ, we shout all the time. We have three under five in a rickety old cottage and getting them anywhere is a task and a half. I last shouted yesterday because I was dropping all three at nursery, took the ambulant one to the door, went back for the other two and the older one started back towards me, although another car had come into the car park.

The driver knew and there wasn't risk, I just don't know how to communicate the absolute 'you must not do that' ness in a situation where I wasn't going to be able to go and talk to him until long after his tiny brain had moved on.

Loopytiles · 15/09/2023 07:07

It’s not gentle to yell. I’ve only done so a handful of times (DC are teens). Disliked the way my parents sometimes ‘disciplined’ my siblings and I, so avoided it.

Picturethat · 15/09/2023 07:16

No I don't think it's normal to regularly shout at your children, it's abusive.
I can hand on heart say I never raise my voice (teens). I am very laid back though and it takes a lot to annoy me. I've always been of the belief everyone should be treated with respect, including children. If your partner shouted at you all the time you would be told you're in a abusive relationship, why are children fair game for adults frustrations?

pickledonionsjar · 15/09/2023 07:36

I yelled at my kids many many times when they were small.
Mine are teens now and I don't feel the need to yell, but that's just the luck of the draw at the present moment and not down to magnificent me. If they were doing some serious teenage rebellion stuff I 'd be no doubt yelling again.
If your child will stop with just a "look" then that's great, but that's their personality, not your superior parenting skills.

What I find really disturbing and creepy is when words and tone don't match emotions. That's damaging! Think of how awful Umbridge is in Harry Potter. That's what I think of when I see a parent bend down and quietly and sweetly tell a child off and say pretty messed up stuff all the time smiling. I personally think that it's so much worse because there's a pretence of niceness.

Stompythedinosaur · 15/09/2023 07:43

No, I don't think most parents regularly yell at their dc, do they? I definitely have a stern "I'm serious about this" voice, but I don't yell. Unless it's an emergency "get out of the way if that car" thing, I don't see how yelling has any purpose beyond trying to frightened or intimidate a dc.

pickledonionsjar · 15/09/2023 07:48

And while everyone is entitled to their own opinion, this is mine. Raising your voice to make it louder is completely normal in many many cultures and is done both in positive and negative communication. Shouting is not abusive in many cultures .
If it is in white British culture, fine, but sometimes all of this constantly telling people that if anyone raises their voice they are abusive is annoying . If you personally don't like it then it's your personal choice not to accept it, but it doesn't make it universally wrong and to continually and openly judge parents by your own standards is damaging.
It's not morally superior to barely open your mouth while speaking.

Lilolilibet · 15/09/2023 10:36

Op, your children would probably benefit from you doing an anger management course. More than endless little chats about behaviour you're not actually changing.

Singleandproud · 15/09/2023 11:52

Shouting to DD to give her information when in different rooms or to keep her out of danger absolutely.

Yelling in anger absolutely not, I'm an adult, I am responsible for my own emotions and don't lose control.

LaBaDeeLaBaDa · 15/09/2023 12:05

@fit2023 Glad you like "rupture and repair"! A very wise family psychotherapist gave it to me. She also was of the strong view that rupture and repair is healthier than always avoiding ruptures (not that anyone can actually avoid them all the time, it's impossible). A degree of conflict is not just unavoidable in parenting, but necessary for our children to develop and separate from us. It won't always be dealt with 'perfectly' because everyone involved is human, and it's good for our children to see us as flawed humans, because that helps them accept their own 'flaws'. The repair is what matters, so long as it's real repair and connection.

Honestly think it's such a crucial idea for all relationships, and especially parenting ones.

Original poster

fit2023 · 15/09/2023 13:42

@LaBaDeeLaBaDa amazing stuff!

Wish I could pin your posts so parents who are only skimming through this thread don't miss them.

Thank you so much.

OP posts:

Mummyme87 · 15/09/2023 13:47

Yes I do. I have two boys, 9 and 5.5. It’s mainly the eldest. I lose my temper when he is defiant, refuses to do what is required and bloody rude. This is after reasoning, calmly explaining etc.

I don’t think it’s abnormal

NeedToChangeName · 27/09/2023 07:36

DivorcedDiva · 14/09/2023 23:35

@DivorcedDiva I doubt v much that shouting all the time has lost its harmfulness

More likely, your children are constantly on edge waiting for the next outburst. This is frightening for a child (from experience)

I would urge you to find a better approach

GeekyDiva80 · 27/09/2023 07:54

In our home we are all on the spectrum with ADHD thrown in. So lots of triggering going on. But we all know that we love each other and none of us take it seriously. It's affectionately known as "The House of Triggers!"

DivorcedDiva · 29/09/2023 15:56

@NeedToChangeName thanks but they are fine🙂

DonaNobisPacem · 29/09/2023 16:04

I’ve never yelled and only occasionally been stern. Kids are late teens.

I’m just not a yeller. I also think that sometimes you set your own baseline- if your default is yelling then where do you go from there? I don’t think it achieves anything, and I can remember my mum yelling at me and occasionally hitting me and feeling nothing other than (at first) fear and (as I grew older) contempt. Not for me, thanks.

But the main reason I don’t shout is because it wouldn’t occur to me to, just as I wouldn’t shout at DH or at staff in a shop.

Cantstopthenoise · 29/09/2023 18:10

I try not to shout where possible, especially around my eldest who has special needs and can be distressed at a raised voice even when not directed at her. I try not to shout at her even if she gets challenging as she doesn't understand why I get cross and you wouldn't expect her to learn from it.

If I lose my temper with my youngest then it is more likely due to frustration e.g. she is taking a long time to get ready for school or bed or not listening if I speak to her calmly, or if she is doing something dangerous such as stepping into the road without looking for cars.

Oblomov23 · 29/09/2023 18:30

I do believe some don't shout. Some people are naturally very meek.

I've really shouted in the past. When they were teens. It takes a lot to make me shout. I mean a lack of consideration and respect, over many many weeks. I'll talk to them many times, tell that this is not ok, that I'm unhappy about this or that. That this is now starting to really get on my nerves. Then I'll ask why they keep doing it considering I've already mentioned it say 5 times. In the end I loose my cool and shout.

Eg " I've got to tell you both. I am really way past boiling point, you have really hacked me off and I'm seriously losing my shizz now. I've got to tell you both that you have pushed me far too far and I'm really pissed off now". Then I go out to my car.....

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