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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think all parents yell

171 replies

fit2023 · 14/09/2023 11:02

I am a 'gentle' parent (in quotation marks because the word means different things to different people) and I have yelled at my dc.

I always talk about it later with them. I take responsibility for my yelling, and tell them it's not their fault I have used my 'scary' voice.

When I feel like all is good (we have a strong connection again), I try and understand why they did/ said what they did before I lost it and suggest better ways for them to react next time I.e. correct their behaviour that way, with calm authority.

Posting this as often when a parent says 'I yelled at dc' they're being attacked on here.
We are all human and there's often many things going on for us. As long as we try and fix things as we go, think how to do things differently next time, we are doing parenting right.

OP posts:
Howtohideasausage · 14/09/2023 11:53

I don’t have time to for long ‘Oscar, mummy wants you to think about what you’re doing’. Sometimes a quick ‘stop it’ is all it needs.

Desecratedcoconut · 14/09/2023 11:53

I've shouted when shouting was necessary - to get attention from far away or to convey danger - "stop running with those scissors!" type thing. I've never yelled at them when they were right next to me and they weren't about to come to harm...I've never yelled at them to put them in place, if that's what you mean?

SaySomethingMan · 14/09/2023 11:53

I’m sure i’ve yelled at dc at some point. I don’t remember when.

i don’t know if all parents yell but it’ll be uncommon for men to do so generally because women carry the burden of parenting in many households.

I have a colleague whose dad would wait for his mum to come home and give him consequences if he behaved badly while she was out …

Hollyhead · 14/09/2023 11:54

I had to ask my 12 year old to brush his teeth 7 times last night, I then found him tickling his brother without his brother’s consent (no, stop, stop tickling me etc) instead of doing his teeth. How does anyone not lose their shit in that situation?! And although I did apologise, I personally think he has to take some responsibility too!

felisha54 · 14/09/2023 11:54

I've never yelled or shouted at my dd(12). I have been stern with her but never felt so cross that I've had to raise my voice. There still time though ...

readbooksdrinktea · 14/09/2023 11:55

I think raising your voice now and again is a healthy thing, the parents I know who never yell actually have this creepy passive aggressive barely-contained frustration thing going on.

I see this with gentle-parenting friends. They're beyond frustrated.

Having said that, my parents never yelled. One look from them was enough. We knew there was a line.

Moltenpink · 14/09/2023 11:55

I’ve never yelled. My parents never yelled at me. One look from my mother was all that was needed, I’m not that strict but definitely not a yeller

I had to shout for help a couple of years ago and it felt so odd, it was literally the only time I could remember raising my voice that much. I almost didn’t know how to do it!

Original poster
fit2023 · 14/09/2023 11:56

Snowpaw · 14/09/2023 11:43

"I try and understand why they did/ said what they did before I lost it and suggest better ways for them to react next time I.e. correct their behaviour that way, with calm authority".

The reflection with the children shouldn't be on what they did to cause you to yell. It should be on how you reached that point of loss of control and how you can avoid doing that next time.

Yes. I intentionally didn't say they caused my yelling. It's not their fault and I say it to them. I apologise and say I'm working on that.

I probably had some piled up frustration already and, say, their refusal to do something which I saw as urgent at time time would make me go for my loud voice.

When we are both happy and calm I'll discuss their behaviour (unconnected to my yelling), starting with understanding from what's their feeling behind it to start with.

OP posts:
Blackblueandgold · 14/09/2023 11:56

I've never yelled and neither did my parents.

N4ish · 14/09/2023 11:59

Snowpaw · 14/09/2023 11:43

"I try and understand why they did/ said what they did before I lost it and suggest better ways for them to react next time I.e. correct their behaviour that way, with calm authority".

The reflection with the children shouldn't be on what they did to cause you to yell. It should be on how you reached that point of loss of control and how you can avoid doing that next time.

I agree with this. Sounds like you’re blaming them for your loss of control.

Brightandshining · 14/09/2023 12:00

People have different definitions of the word yell so its hard to tell.
Ice certainly never screamed in my kids faces but I've definitely raised my voice when its the fourth time I've told them to brush their teeth and they've just been messing about in the bathroom for 30mins instead.
I've got a 3rd on the way... its occasionally chaos
I imagine if you were a wealthy sahp to a NT well behaved only child its possible you may have never raised your voice ever and only ever used a gentle pleasant tone... but for most people I would agree we all at some point will have lost our rag and shouted.
Again tho people have different definitions of what constitutes shouting or yelling.
I've never scared my kids to the point of tears, or been absolutely screaming at them etc.. which might be some peoples definition of yelling. But I've said 'WHAT IS GOING ON HERE THIS IS ABSOLUTELY NOT ACCEPTABLE' in a very loud cross voice. Which I do define as shouting.
Neither me nor my husband are full on scream yelling people when we get upset though. I can count on my hand the times hes raised his voice in 11 years.. and I tend to cry when upset rather than shout.

SaltyandSweet · 14/09/2023 12:00

I do shout very occasionally but I am quick to apologise and talk about it with the kids. I think that if an infrequent shout isn't accompanied by nasty words and there is a conversation afterwards, it doesn't harm the kids (obvs not with regard to little ones). My own parents never shouted but my mother routinely said awful, belittling things in a perfectly normal tone of voice. That damaged me and our relationship significantly. I think the content of what's said is much more important than the volume (with the caveats above of course).

MaybeSeven · 14/09/2023 12:03

I hear you OP. I thought I'd be an endlessly patient parent; turns out I'm not. I'm mostly calm, but when I'm stressed and struggling on a range of fronts, sometimes something that happens at home just tips me over the edge and there is some shouting. It's not often, but it has happened. I do the best I can to reconnect afterwards and make sure they know it was a me problem not a them problem. I'm generally regarded as a soft touch (pushover) by the DC - they aren't scared of me or my reactions and that's how I want it to be.

CatamaranViper · 14/09/2023 12:04

I yell.

Yesterday I yelled at DS because he kept juggling his socks while I was repeatedly asking him to get ready for bed. It now takes him over half an hour to get changed in to pyjamas, brush his teeth and wash his face. I asked three times and other than going in and getting him ready myself (which is what he wants), I raised my voice and told him I was getting cross. Once I'm cross he loses a toy for a day.

I consider yelling to be raising your voice at all. I don't stand there screaming at him, I don't shout things that he shouldn't hear, I don't use bad language or call him names or put him down, I don't withhold love or affection. I always ask him why he does X, Y and Z and if he understand why it's frustrating etc. But he's 6. He's at home where he feel more comfortable pushing boundaries so of course he will. To me yelling is just showing that he is pushing it.

fearfuloffluff · 14/09/2023 12:05

So what do you non-shouty perfect parents do when, for example, a child is being defiant of a punishment? Or in danger like running in front of a swing? Or pulling their sibling's hair? Or doing something gross and potentially unsafe?

You just stand there saying 'come on now let's stop that?'

ManateeFair · 14/09/2023 12:06

TheBarbieEffect · 14/09/2023 11:23

Well no, I’ve never shouted or yelled at my child. I’ve never been that out of control.

Biscuit
SunRainStorm · 14/09/2023 12:06

My parents never yelled at me.

I've never yelled at my children.

I've used a stern voice, and I've definitely sounded crosser/more exasperated than I would have liked.

Yelling is abusive IMO. Especially to someone smaller than you.

Devilsmommy · 14/09/2023 12:07

VelvetUndergrounds · 14/09/2023 11:20

You'll get varying responses, I guess. My husband has never yelled at our children once (10yrs and 20yrs). Or raised his voice really. I can't say that I have 'yelled', I like to use 'the look' or some choice words. But I think both of our children very much don't like to get in trouble. Mind you, our daughter is just entering into the realm of pre-teenager-ness so is starting to push back a bit. The next few years will be interesting!

Aaah the look😆 I remember that from my dad so well😁

BackToOklahoma · 14/09/2023 12:08

I don’t yell at my children or anyone else. I’ve only ever really shouted at a couple of people, who were abusive, and they’re not in my life now.

My first child was quite ‘spirited’, 😬so I obviously had to speak to him in a serious tone but I didn’t shout at him. My second child was always well behaved, did as we asked etc so has never needed it. She hates raised voices.

So no, I don’t think everyone yells. People are different, we’re just not a ‘shouty’ family.

My parents shouted constantly and I hated it.

VelvetUndergrounds · 14/09/2023 12:08

Devilsmommy · 14/09/2023 12:07

Aaah the look😆 I remember that from my dad so well😁

Show quote history

I think I learnt it from my Dad!! 😂

LeavesOnTrees · 14/09/2023 12:10

I've yelled when they've absolutely had to stop something for their own safety, like running in the road, near water, playing with plugs / electricity etc.
I also yell when they start fighting with each other and a calm 'don't hit your sibling' is ignored.
It's always very specific and to stop a certain situation.

Otherwise they get my stern voice if the first few nicer attempts are ignored eg. 'you need to brush your teeth now'.

I will also yell from another room 'you need to turn the tv off, dinner's ready etc.

I don't think I know any parents who never yell. There's out of control yelling and there's 'you need to understand I'm being serious' yelling.

If they've been naughty I try to talk to them to explain why they've been naughty and hear their side of the story, which I think is much more effective.
In general my DC are well behaved so I think we're doing ok.

Devilsmommy · 14/09/2023 12:10

VelvetUndergrounds · 14/09/2023 12:08

I think I learnt it from my Dad!! 😂

Show quote history

My little one is only just turning 1 so I've got a bit of time still to perfect it🤣

SuspiciousLampshade · 14/09/2023 12:11

SaltyandSweet · 14/09/2023 12:00

I do shout very occasionally but I am quick to apologise and talk about it with the kids. I think that if an infrequent shout isn't accompanied by nasty words and there is a conversation afterwards, it doesn't harm the kids (obvs not with regard to little ones). My own parents never shouted but my mother routinely said awful, belittling things in a perfectly normal tone of voice. That damaged me and our relationship significantly. I think the content of what's said is much more important than the volume (with the caveats above of course).

Edited

I agree with this. I come from a family where we got shouted at a lot if we were doing something DM didn’t think was right and I’m definitely not traumatised by it, but my DH has parents who never shouted but became more shrill and underhanded in their comments when their kids did something they didn’t agree with and it’s really affected him. Sometimes I catch FIL doing it to our DC and it really irritates me.

I raise my voice with my kids more than I’d like - not yelling in their face but as pp say more out of frustration when I’ve said the same thing a hundred times. And just yesterday I raised my voice at DS1 because he almost seriously hurt DS2 and I was shocked and worried. Afterwards we had a cuddle and a chat and all was well again.

I almost didn’t post because you get roasted for these kinds of things on MN and so I bet there’s many lurkers that do the same - and people reading this thread feeling like terrible parents because they’re human and sometimes they react to stressful situations by shouting. But as long as you have the chat after and help them understand that parents also have emotions just like them, I think it can be a good experience.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/09/2023 12:12

Hollyhead · 14/09/2023 11:54

I had to ask my 12 year old to brush his teeth 7 times last night, I then found him tickling his brother without his brother’s consent (no, stop, stop tickling me etc) instead of doing his teeth. How does anyone not lose their shit in that situation?! And although I did apologise, I personally think he has to take some responsibility too!

I own an 8 yo like this.

Put your pants on. A put your pants on. We're going to be late. Leave B alone. He's telling you no, no means no. And put your pants on. B get down off the table. A, put, on, your, pants. B, get down! C do you need a wee? B do you need a wee. Yes pull down your pants. Not you A, keep your pants on. Don't tickle B whilst he's having a wee. Oh a poo, lovely, well done. A where are your trousers? No they're Bs trousers. Put them back. Where are your trousers? No don't touch your wee C. Yes it is a big wee. Put your pants on A I mean C.

I know yelling makes me a shit parent and I hate myself for it, but I feel like my normal voice is already necessarily loud to get over the noise of an 8 yo who never stops making noise and two 3 year olds. I feel so sensory overloaded sometimes that trying to make them listen I just end up getting louder and louder until I'm yelling at every one.

ICanSeeMyHouseFromHere · 14/09/2023 12:12

I don't normally yell. But If they're taking forever to put their shoes on and we're late, my voice will certainly have a bit more urgency, or if they're edging towards cheeky, it will take on an edge, or if it's dinner time (not that they'd complain about that one :) )

I don't apologise for it, but then I also don't fly off the handle/rant, so I don't think I have anything to apologise for.

The only time I'd apologise is if they got scared if I yelled to warn them because they were doing something dangerous (assuming I didn't think yelling would make them jump and make the situation worse) - then I'd apologise for scaring them and explain why (assuming it wasn't obvious)