To think all parents yell

[fit2023]

I am a 'gentle' parent (in quotation marks because the word means different things to different people) and I have yelled at my dc.

I always talk about it later with them. I take responsibility for my yelling, and tell them it's not their fault I have used my 'scary' voice.

When I feel like all is good (we have a strong connection again), I try and understand why they did/ said what they did before I lost it and suggest better ways for them to react next time I.e. correct their behaviour that way, with calm authority.

Posting this as often when a parent says 'I yelled at dc' they're being attacked on here.
We are all human and there's often many things going on for us. As long as we try and fix things as we go, think how to do things differently next time, we are doing parenting right.

You just wait til they are teenagers - you’ll be eating your words!

the response on Mumsnet to this kind of question is so far from the realms of normality it’s laughable. Most people get annoyed sometimes, rightly or wrongly. Kids can test the patience of a cadaver. Op, it’s normal, and agree that apologising if you’re out of order is a good lesson for kids. And sometimes being cross and shouting is a reasonable response. My daughter burned a hole in my bedroom carpet leaving the straighteners on. She’s been repeatedly told to turn them off, leave them on a fire resistant surface etc. replacement costs were enormous. it was totally justified that I shouted at her. And she knew it meant something had gone seriously wrong.

normally when they accuse me of shouting I’m simply using the voice that says I’m no longer joking and mean business -it’s actually quieter than my normal voice.

I raise my voice often at my DC's

They are 12 and 16

Mornings especially

But also the 12 year old is annoying a lot of the time making stupid noises so I have to yell to be heard 😂

I yell sometimes but I always, always know it is my failing. I think one of the worst things about the internet 'mum culture' is the way we all 'excuse' each other for our failures by commiserating how tough it is, sharing stories of when we fucked up and patting each other down. Yes it's normal. But it's still not very good. It still counts as a failure. It still needs to be apologised for and corrected.

Doesn't matter if it's normal. What matters is do we think it's good enough for our children. I know it isn't. So I need to hold myself accountable.

The only people I have met who say what you say have been masters at passive aggression, coercive control and seething.

Absolutely. But it's important to distinguish behaviour from identity - good people make mistakes. Being aware, and working on changing it is the way to go.

@TheBarbieEffect I've just read your later comment. Your dc are tiny. I never yelled at mine at that age either. I'd jump off that moral high ground and wait until they hit puberty.

I've yelled no or stop when they were younger to stop them getting injured / run over / trying to open the car door when we're mere moving.

I don't shout / yell at them now. I'm not a perfect parent but mine shouted at me and I hated it. I have the look 👀 or I speak really quietly and they know that they're in the shit.

I don't think it's normal to yell at a child, just like I don't think it's normal to yell at another adult or within a relationship. It's not a healthy communication pattern to me.

I do think most parents have, or will, used a raised voice at times or use a firm tone of voice.

A family where parents always remain "perfectly in control" is, to be honest, a family where children will learn it's never ok to feel angry. Emotions can't be precisely controlled all the time, and I think it's healthy for kids to see that parents sometimes do get really angry, but then these are the things you do to calm down (breath, step away, re-regulate yourself etc), this is what you do afterwards (express what you feel, apologise for shouting, repair, etc), everyone still loves each other, and so on. And then other times they see you got close to yelling but stopped yourself. They need to see us 'fail' sometimes, and learn from us how to recover.

Basically OP I think your approach sounds pretty good - rupture and repair

I've got zero patience, but can count on one hand the number of times I've yelled. I know I'm not going to get any prizes for that, and the perfect in every way mums will be down on me like a ton of bricks, but some kids must get shouted at everyday, so I'm pretty far down on the sliding scale. Sometimes I get irritated, but I can't remember the last time I actually yelled.

We can all be knobbers sometimes, the ones that claim they never are, or are holier than thou can be the biggest knobbers of all.

You've written this because you care, I'm sure you can tweak things.

My parents used to absolutely scream at me (and each other) for the slightest thing. I have so many memories of being shouted at for daring to spill a bit of water on the carpet or leaving a sock out of the wash.

Consequentially, I never, ever properly yell at my kids or allow myself to get angry to the point of losing control. I've raised my voice, of course, but like smacking if you get to the point where you are just shouting full volume at your kids then something has gone wrong with how you parent.

You sound like an amazing parent! You're being so respectful of your children, apologising for losing your cool (which everyone does at some point or another, no matter what they say) and explaining to them why it happened. You can absolutely be a gentle parent and run out of patience sometimes as that is a normal human reaction. What matters is that it is an infrequent occurrence, rather than something happening all day every day, and how you respond after - which you've done perfectly.

I also think judging by the comments that 'yelling' means differently things to different people. Some may feel it means raising your voice slightly to say 'no' or 'stop doing that' and some may feel it means full on screaming at your child fully scaring them into submission. Everyone falls into the first category at least sometimes.

Yeah I do occasionally, mostly it's the choice of loud voice to startle a toddler off doing something dangerous. Very rarely it's the frustration and raise my voice at 5yo being trying which wasn't planned. I think almost all people do this sometimes and I certainly shout a lot less at my little ones than my DF did at me and my siblings. Not saying that's the bench mark hah but we are all product of our own upbringings so when you've had that modelled it definitely does affect and influence you. Of course I don't want to copy that so try hard not to.

Sort of depends what you mean by yell.

Have I had to shout through the door in the mornings to get her up from time to time? Sure. Were there occasions where a raised voice was necessary when she was little, such as "child do not put that spider in your mouth!"? Yup. Have I had to holler like a fishwife up the stairs to get her to come down for dinner? Absolutely.

Have I ever lost my cool and shouted at her in anger? No. I grew up in a shouty household with a lot of ferocious tempers and hated it, so no, I make an effort never to lose my shit and shout at her in rage or anger or upset.

In fairness she had been a blessedly easy child and never given me too many reasons to be angry with her. So there's that too.

My partner is the gentlest person I know. In the 2 years we have been together he has raised his voice to his 10 year old son once.

The puppy had eaten a bar of chocolate and he was stressing about that when DSS came out with a very cheeky remark. So he was shouted at to go to his room.

Dp went upstairs once he had calmed down and talked it through with him. All was fine and dandy.

I myself have yelled at DSS once but he wasn't watching what he was doing and nearly walked out in front of a car (in a car park).

I'm the more stressy out of the 2 of us. But tend not to yell still. Everyone slips up now and again tho.

I have 4 children and a 5th on the way, we have never yelled or come to close to yelling. We've had tantrums, damaged items, been hit etc in toddler grumpiness but we don't yell at/scare/get angry at our kids

My dad never yelled at me. My mum only did rarely, but when she did, she bloody lost it, and it was terrifying.

I think this sums it up perfectly. It's about the repair. That's what counts. I call utter BS with all these posters claiming they have never yelled at their kids. I will certainly hold up my hands and admit I have shouted at my children and lost control. I am human. I am not a machine. But I have always, always put effort into what happens afterwards, and taken full responsibility and blame. I had a horrendous childhood and my one goal in parenthood is to raise my children in such a way that they do not require therapy to recover from their upbringing (in the way I have had to). I am achieving this even with the occasional loss of control because of how I communicate with them afterwards. They know me as a rounded human being who only ever tries to be the best parent I can be. I'm not Mary Poppins and happy children do not require me to be. So a big reach out of support to all of us brave enough to admit the truth on this thread

I think very few of us are perfect.

I try very hard not to shout at my children. But honestly, we all surely have our “off” moments, where we can’t take any more?

We all know that sensible consequences delivered in a calm voice are much better - when initial requests etc have not worked - but occasionally surely everyone has a moment?

Mine are late primary and a teenager btw, I’m not suggesting shouting at a toddler is ever acceptable.

I also think if parents are always so perfectly in control, they’re almost “performing” the role of parent.

Unless in a scenario of danger why would you need to yell? What does it add apart from fear or additional stress to the situation?

If my spouse yelled at me I would feel disrespected and have issues with the way he is communicating so why would I expect my child to put up with it?

I would yell to warn DD of danger but I've never raised my voice to her when she's misbehaving.

I'm generally a very calm, quiet person anyway so raising my voice isn't my instinctive reaction if I'm frustrated. I'm much more likely to internally seethe and need to walk away for a quiet moment. My parents weren't shouters either so it wasn't part of my childhood.

Having seen lots of kids being shouted at when out and about I have often thought that it doesn't work. When I see a parent shouting the same thing repeatedly at their kids with little to no reaction or response from the kids I do wonder when they'll learn that it clearly isn't an effective way of getting an improvement in behaviour.

Totally normal.

We are animals and its normal for us to vary the tone of how we communicate to convey:

• urgency
• seriousness
• emotion

Its not a loss on control.

Parents have a right to display emotions, including anger. Children learn how serious some antisocial behaviours are through the consequences and a parent shouting angrily is a natural consequence of some very bad behaviour.

Yelling is fine and often necessary at points.

Me and DH grew up opposite... My family yell at each other each constantly from a combination of partial deafness and a mix of different SN in one household.

His never raise their voice but run on fake smiles and passive aggressive backhanded comments and tension.

Neither is exactly healthy, Im often shocked people say mines more 'toxic' (elements of ablesm in that) though because it really wasn't.

I have less long term issue than DH who is an anxious ball of panic attacks and his siblings are all alcoholics (he has struggled with alcohol too). They are always waiting for the day the camels back breaks knowing its going to come sometime.

I yell, not even going to lie or apologize about it (air and muscle control is part of my neurological disability). It is WHAT is said not the volume that matters though. People can be abusive quietly (in fact most abuse is behind closed doors so pretty 'quiet') and people can be protective loudly.

Yelling doesn't equal bad... I judge a mam that reacts and raises her voice when her kid just did or is about to do something dangerous far less than one that doesn't as the latter lack of reaction is telling of a lack of caring.

@sexnotgenders I'm not Mary Poppins and happy children do not require me to be*
*
Yes, this is exactly it. I wish every new mum went home from hospital with this tattooed on something. Perhaps a nice muslin square, or those bloody Bounty packs