To think all parents yell

[fit2023]

I am a 'gentle' parent (in quotation marks because the word means different things to different people) and I have yelled at my dc.

I always talk about it later with them. I take responsibility for my yelling, and tell them it's not their fault I have used my 'scary' voice.

When I feel like all is good (we have a strong connection again), I try and understand why they did/ said what they did before I lost it and suggest better ways for them to react next time I.e. correct their behaviour that way, with calm authority.

Posting this as often when a parent says 'I yelled at dc' they're being attacked on here.
We are all human and there's often many things going on for us. As long as we try and fix things as we go, think how to do things differently next time, we are doing parenting right.

I often wonder if I'd shout less if I had one child not two.

What do you do if one is upstairs refusing to put their shoes on and the other is by the front door raring to go, and might try to dart out if you leave them to go and speak gently to the other one?

Honestly op, it's great that you have these discussions with your kids and it is completely normal for them to see your frustration. But if you're actually yelling at them that can be harmful regardless of how you handle it afterwards and you would all benefit from help to change that going forward. Talking about it afterwards is not enough if it's failing to result in behavioural changes on your part. There are parenting courses and even anger management classes that could be helpful to you.

My PIL rarely yelled at their DC

But they manipulated them, gave them the silent treatment, punished, made passive aggressive comments etc instead.

Never heard DH never shout once - until DC2 was about 18 months old. We have challenging children.

We try our hardest not to shout now, but we aren't successful 100% of the time.

Tell the ready one to go help the unready one.

Take the ready one upstairs and help the unready one.

Lock the front door so the ready one can't dart out.

Or, Don't ever take them places. 👍

Wait till they are teenagers 😂

There was no ableism or any words of detraction for disabled people..

Maybe you should pause to think that you're seeing issue where they don't exist.

Hugs.

Most parents have no idea x

Meh I shout. Being told he wishes I was dead and how much of a dumb fat ugly mum I am can sometimes get me that way.

I've yet to meet a parent in "real life" that hasn't shouted at their kid.

@PurpleMonkeys if I told one of my DC to go help their sibling get ready they'd laugh me out the house and say they can do it themselves. May I borrow your DC?

@Notts90

You can, for a rental fee.. just bring them back clean and with half a tank of fuel. 🤣

I mean there shouldn't real need to be caveats on every post, people and parents should know that all parents AND all kids are different.
if I had kids that were insulting me or hitting me or not getting ready to go places they wanted to go etc, there would likely be more shouting.

I've maybe been lucky that my kid hates being shouted at. 🤣

Thank you. It’s tough but shouting isn’t really the answer. But sometimes, once in a blue moon, it’s also ok for kids to see that parents have a limit as well. I’m all for the ‘I see you have big feelings’ line but sometimes adults get overwhelmed as well.

Obviously there’s a difference between shouting and being abusive though, if you’re screaming and swearing all sorts in your child’s face then that is well beyond ‘I’ve had enough and I’m telling you as much’, I think a lot of people on this thread are conflicting the two. As I said, I had a parent who more than crossed the line (daily), I feared them. My son rolls his eyes at me so often one day they’ll stick, I’m pretty sure I haven’t scarred him for life shouting one morning out of 100s of difficult ones…

No, this is simply not true. The idea that all yelling, ever, regardless of context and follow up, is damaging is not backed up by any evidence. In fact the idea that parents "damage" their children by normal human behaviour, appropriately repaired afterwards, is what's more damaging to both parents and children.

I think raising your voice now and again is a healthy thing, the parents I know who never yell actually have this creepy passive aggressive barely-contained frustration thing going on.

I agree with this. If yelling is your constant register it's a problem. Living in a permanent state of stress is an awful life.

But its important for children to understand that their parents are human and have human fears and emotions and that occasionally their behaviour crosses lines. And that expressing emotions is healthy.

My mum was a very quiet, contained person who constantly presented this veneer of slightly fake happiness and acceptance (what would now be called a people pleaser). She found it almost impossible assert herself with anyone. She did ooze barely contained frustration a lot because she had no template for a healthy expression of anger or upset or distress. On the (rare) occasions when she allowed her emotions to show it was usually volcanic rage followed by days-long sulks and no attempt to discuss in a rational way what had made her angry. The effect was that we alternated between having limited respect for her and then feeling utterly confused about her reactions.

Occasional yelling in response to provocation, fear or anger is a normal human emotion.

what’s the difference between raising your voice and yelling?

I didn't yell when they were little. I sometimes yell now, (DC tween/teen). Like you I talk about it after and apologise as needed. I don't think it's bad that DC see me as a human with flaws and occasionally overwhelming emotions. Actually I think it's helpful and when they've been angry, they can be just as accountable as I am. Modelling and all that. DD had issues with perfectionism... Seeing and talking about me being imperfect has allowed her to be less harsh with herself.

Yes I absolutely have done.

You know what I think is more damaging...

Manipulation, silent treatment, humiliation, passive aggression, derogatory comments, simmering resentment that never ends

Direct anger with a kid expressed by yelling at them which is over and done with, spoken about, and them the relationship returns to normal seems very healthy to me

This.

I never had to shout at eldest DS until he was about 5. He has ADHD. When it started presenting, and he would go off like a rocket, if you didn't shout, he wouldn't hear you. But it wasn't "for god sake stop it" shouting, it was "stop! now! there's a road there". Then, once he was focussed on me and not consumed by his own din, I could speak to him.

DTwins, I shout all the time. Again, not yelling at them, but if they've started tussling over something, or both decided they have to get on the same swing, they are rabbling so loudly at each other, that they are completely inside the little bubble of noise they are both making, until I either clap really loudly or shout "enough thank you" in order that they stop and re focus on me.

In either case, if I didn't make a noise louder than the child to alert them, DS would just carry on with a meltdown and potentially cause danger to himself, and DTwins would still be in the garden arguing over the red bike, most likely until they were 25.

I'm not a screamy yelling parent. I'm a parent that needs to shout.

I was really starting to feel like the only one here, I can get like this too. And when I do I feel so much guilt and apologise to my kids

I think it depends on your child. My friends DC are compliant children that just do what is asked and have done from a very small age. My eldest is ND and youngest is currently on the 'spirited let's see how he goes' list. I've had to shout to stop them killing themselves about 5 times since school pick-up, let alone from trying to kill each other. Just to give you an idea of the level of chaos DS came home with 3 accident forms from school today and DD broke free and stepped out in front of a car whilst I was receiving the accident forms. Neither respond to the look either. I suspect neither can read facial expressions well enough to realise I'm even giving them a look.

I TOTALLY agree.

To play this out in adulthood -

My mum shouted at me as a child. Sometimes I shout at my kids, btw. They would try the patience of a saint at times. My mum and I will still argue on occasion and while we don't often shout anymore, we are extremely direct and honest. Shouting is not unheard of, still. We get things sorted out.

My DH doesn't remember his mum ever shouting. Ever. She's lately started a weird passive aggressive dispute with him, even to the point of writing him a poisonous letter calling him a narcissist and all sorts, two weeks before our daughter was born. It's all a load of shit, of course. But she can't express herself directly until she boils and has to write nasty things.

Quite frankly, I think a bit of shouting/ an argument/ clearing the air would be better.

Thanks for all the responses. I yet have to read all of them, but those I've read raised very good points.

I especially like the post that used the words 'rupture' + 'repair' (love them).

Those of us that do shout/ yell/ raise their voice don't feel good about it and are trying to not do/ do as little as possible. We don't approve of it either.

I think instead of going into a self-blame state (or to come on here and read people blaming you, putting you on a 'overbearing parent' spectrum, recommending you do a parenting course/ anger management course...), we need to accept we all mess up as parents (in different ways) sometimes and can focus our efforts on repairing with our dc (apologising, have a talk about it, role-modelling taking responsibility).

I know there's sadly child abuse in many families. I think we would be talking about patterns in those cases rather than rare occasions, and the parent wouldn't have self awareness in those instances. I wouldn't expect them to come on Mumsnet and say this is what happened and I feel terrible.

Ready one helps unready one - needs shoes off to go upstairs so then neither of them have shoes on (and that can be a battle) plus going to 'help' a stroppy sister is likely to end in fisticuffs and both of them upset

Leaving the ready one for more than a minute even at a locked door could mean he takes it upon himself to de-shoe and get stuck into a book or game that then means he has the hump when he has to stop

There's quite a lot of herding that goes on in our house! I bellow at the kids as a shepherd does his sheep :)

Same. It's so hard. My coping mechanisms are to walk away and take 5 mins which is fine unless you've only got three mins to leave house to get to school on time 🫣

I mean......... of course you haven't shouted at your newborn and two year old. They're babies. Even the toddler who you think is so trying now. I never shouted at my babies either!

Come back when you have a five year old that's been throwing wooden bricks at your head for three solid minutes while you're trying to change a toddler's nappy, or when you're twenty minutes late for school but your child insists on rolling around on the floor, or when your child scoots at speed around Tesco knocking packets onto the floor on purpose while you're trying to wrangle your toddler off the floor mid-tantrum. When your child runs off in a large supermarket, when they run out into the road, when they kick a ball after the seventh time of you telling them not to, and the ball smashes through the window Come back when they're 15 and 17, and trying your patience for the millionth time that day. Then we'll chat!