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Original poster

To think all parents yell

171 replies

fit2023 · 14/09/2023 11:02

I am a 'gentle' parent (in quotation marks because the word means different things to different people) and I have yelled at my dc.

I always talk about it later with them. I take responsibility for my yelling, and tell them it's not their fault I have used my 'scary' voice.

When I feel like all is good (we have a strong connection again), I try and understand why they did/ said what they did before I lost it and suggest better ways for them to react next time I.e. correct their behaviour that way, with calm authority.

Posting this as often when a parent says 'I yelled at dc' they're being attacked on here.
We are all human and there's often many things going on for us. As long as we try and fix things as we go, think how to do things differently next time, we are doing parenting right.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 14/09/2023 13:37

Nerdynerdynerd · 14/09/2023 13:21

Unless in a scenario of danger why would you need to yell? What does it add apart from fear or additional stress to the situation?

If my spouse yelled at me I would feel disrespected and have issues with the way he is communicating so why would I expect my child to put up with it?

Because they don't bloody listen!! I've spent 15 minutes telling DSVto put his pants or trousers on. To eat with a spoon. He hasn't stopped singing or talking or just generating noise. So I'm already speaking over him to be heard. And the twins are fighting over a toy they actually have two of, which at 3 entails shrieking apparently. And my head is doing the running list of what we need for school and what we need tomorrow and what I need for tea. And he's still not eating with a spoon or putting on his trousers and we're now going to be late. And the only way I can be HEARD is yelling!!
And I know that makes me a shit Mom who's failed and damaged my children for life, that they'll grow up emotionally stunted and carry on a cycle of abuse, that they'll ultimately fail to achieve their best in life because I've harmed them psychologically etc. But I need them to put on their pants and get out the house before 8.20!!!

Vestisbest · 14/09/2023 13:58

SleepingStandingUp · 14/09/2023 13:37

Because they don't bloody listen!! I've spent 15 minutes telling DSVto put his pants or trousers on. To eat with a spoon. He hasn't stopped singing or talking or just generating noise. So I'm already speaking over him to be heard. And the twins are fighting over a toy they actually have two of, which at 3 entails shrieking apparently. And my head is doing the running list of what we need for school and what we need tomorrow and what I need for tea. And he's still not eating with a spoon or putting on his trousers and we're now going to be late. And the only way I can be HEARD is yelling!!
And I know that makes me a shit Mom who's failed and damaged my children for life, that they'll grow up emotionally stunted and carry on a cycle of abuse, that they'll ultimately fail to achieve their best in life because I've harmed them psychologically etc. But I need them to put on their pants and get out the house before 8.20!!!

Show quote history

Yes, me, just with one fewer DC! DD doesn’t stop talking ever, and also DOES NOT LISTEN. So I often have to raise my voice when she’s ignoring me and wittering on. Don’t shout at 5 year old much at all, he shouts enough for the whole house, DH finds endless moaning very hard to deal with though and definitely raises his voice then to stop moaning.

Some of these posters…! Special mention to @TheBarbieEffect who’s never shouted at her 3 year old and small baby, wow, parent of the year 🙄

CarolinaInTheMorning · 14/09/2023 14:02

No, all parents do not yell at their children.

FunnysInLaJardin · 14/09/2023 14:06

Neither of us has ever shouted at the DC.

Of course we have been stern when required, but we don't shout at each other and we don't should at the DC

pandarific · 14/09/2023 14:08

If your child is compliant and doesn’t - insert multiple ridiculously bad behaviours ds has exhibited in his nearly 5 years - then it’s super easy to not shout. DD is by nature very compliant and does what she’s asked to fairly easily and simply and without a fuss.

I would imagine had I only DD I would be wondering how on earth you’d be shouting at a kid.

Toastiesforever · 14/09/2023 14:12

Shouting is actually irrelevant, you can talk to children in the lowest calmest voice whilst whilst still saying the most vile hurtful things.

I sometimes shout, not really at them but more "RIGHT GIRLS I SAID DINNER 5 MINS AGO" when they are up the stairs etc.

Ive never shouted at them face to face or anything like that but yeah i think its all about what you say.

fearfuloffluff · 14/09/2023 14:14

Here's an example - the other day I was hanging with DC4 and another 4yo. Other 4yo threw a stone at my DC. Thankfully he wasn't hurt.

4yo's mum told him 'that's not nice mate, we don't throw stones, say sorry'. 4yo said sorry in a silly voice, having grinned throughout.

Now if that had been my DC, I would have told him off more sternly and told him to stop grinning and if he kept doing so, I would ultimately have shouted at him until he stopped smirking because learning not to throw stones at people is important and I'm not having my child thinking he can do that.

I think the whole gentle parenting thing makes it sound like it's unreasonable for children to ever be fearful of their parents, actually there are times when children need to learn a lesson and if that takes a shouty bollocking, then so be it.

fearfuloffluff · 14/09/2023 14:17

And I've never shouted at my spouse. My spouse is my equal and we're not trying to shape each other's behaviour and teach each other right from wrong. The relationship between parent and child is not one of equals.

applesandmares · 14/09/2023 14:29

My parents shouted at me from time to time: the odd "enough, get to bed!" etc. Never did me any harm and I'm certainly not traumatised. I only have one child and she's a baby, but when she's older and misbehaving I don't plan on holding myself to some no-shouting-under-any-circumstances standard.

Ariela · 14/09/2023 14:39

We only yell to prevent life endangering stupidity happening (about to step into the road without looking being an example)
We don't yell about anything otherwise.

Bobbotgegrinch · 14/09/2023 14:45

DD is 15 and has heard me shout a grand total of once, because she was careening towards a road and I couldn't get to her.

DW has never heard me yell.

I learnt as a teenager that me shouting really scares people (big man with a very deep voice), so I don't do it.

Yelling is a choice.

Gerrataere · 14/09/2023 14:46

I shouted at my eldest this morning. I hate shouting, I had a parent who’d go mental at anything and everything and I try and avoid it at all costs. But after nearly an hour of asking, pleading and begging him to get dressed (no tablet, switched off the tv, he’d then start fiddling with anything he could get his hands on) I finally shouted. He has adhd, ASD and suspected PDA and I know shouting doesn’t work, but after literally weeks of still being in pjs 5 mins before we have to leave, screaming at me, throwing clothes then screaming he can’t find them, yes I snapped.

Deep breaths and tomorrow is a new day, all we can do at times.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/09/2023 14:55

Toastiesforever · 14/09/2023 14:12

Shouting is actually irrelevant, you can talk to children in the lowest calmest voice whilst whilst still saying the most vile hurtful things.

I sometimes shout, not really at them but more "RIGHT GIRLS I SAID DINNER 5 MINS AGO" when they are up the stairs etc.

Ive never shouted at them face to face or anything like that but yeah i think its all about what you say.

Exactly. I'm not screaming in anyone's face. I'm not whispering you vile little bitch so only she can hear. Both damaging. Not all yelling is equal. Not all harm is loud

takemeouttown · 14/09/2023 15:05

TheBarbieEffect · 14/09/2023 11:23

Well no, I’ve never shouted or yelled at my child. I’ve never been that out of control.

Do come back in a decade and let’s speak again 😁

PurpleMonkeys · 14/09/2023 15:13

I think that no two parents are the same.

Some are over bearing and they ignore the fact that the child has their own feelings and agency in matters affecting them.
Some are lazy and let the kids get away with whatever because they're too busy playing candy crush or scrolling SM etc.

Somewhere in the middle is, what I think, the best option. And that's what I try to do.

My point is... the people at the ends of my little spectrum there are the ones, ime, that shout the most.

Overbearing parents yell when the kid is t doing as it's damn well told. "You don't want to go swimming, I don't care, get your costume and towel you're going and that it"

Lazy parents yell when the kids aren't listening because getting up and talking to the kid is too much like hard work. "Get your shoes on your gonna be late" screamed from the kitchen table to the kids upstairs.

I try to stay in the middle because both my kid and me hate raised voices of any kind. My kid has a meltdown if you shout at her. Just being firm is more than enough. So, no, I don't yell.. not often. In the last year I think I've yelled once when she'd done something daft with her phone.

itsallnewnow · 14/09/2023 15:15

Nope never yelled I don't think,
Called out louder in warning as in "watch out for the road" while chasing them down but never in anger.

I have 3 16,15 and 2. Dh and I never yell either it's just not something that happens in our house tbh

Lydiala · 14/09/2023 15:17

I rarely got shouted at but my younger sister, who was very behaviourally challenging for an extended period, did.

She had very extreme mood swings - from when she was a preteen into her early twenties - and she could go from being happy and laughing to vicious and cruel in seconds. You could never predict what would tip her over the edge and these moods could last sometimes for hours, sometimes days, sometimes weeks. She ruined so many days out and holidays. I remember weekend after weekend becoming a fully fledged shouting match. I used to beg my grandparents to come and get me just so I could get out of the house.

I don’t think any parent could be so perfect as to not shout back when a child is saying such hurtful things and deliberately ruining precious family moments - you would need the patience of a saint.

A lot of people on here claiming to have never shouted at their kids have simply been blessed with lovely children.

Baffled1989 · 14/09/2023 15:45

I will never yell, my parents did it to me / to each other and I found it terrifying. I was an anxious mess.

Thegoodbadandugly · 14/09/2023 16:01

There's a couple we know that scream at their children constantly then they wonder why the children have mental health issues, it's absolutely awful.

fearfuloffluff · 14/09/2023 16:03

takemeouttown · 14/09/2023 15:05

Do come back in a decade and let’s speak again 😁

Show quote history

When my kids were the age of yours, neither had I @TheBarbieEffect

defi · 14/09/2023 16:11

I have soo many memories of being screamed at. Don't have a healthy relationship with either parent. I also yell on occasion but I always apologise for it. I'm aware of how damaging it is and that it's my own short coming

cakecoffeecakecoffee · 14/09/2023 16:18

Yes I have.
I’m not talking about prolonged, uncontrolled screaming at them. But I get a bit shouty when I’m cross and frustrated.

housethatbuiltme · 14/09/2023 16:40

PurpleMonkeys · 14/09/2023 15:13

I think that no two parents are the same.

Some are over bearing and they ignore the fact that the child has their own feelings and agency in matters affecting them.
Some are lazy and let the kids get away with whatever because they're too busy playing candy crush or scrolling SM etc.

Somewhere in the middle is, what I think, the best option. And that's what I try to do.

My point is... the people at the ends of my little spectrum there are the ones, ime, that shout the most.

Overbearing parents yell when the kid is t doing as it's damn well told. "You don't want to go swimming, I don't care, get your costume and towel you're going and that it"

Lazy parents yell when the kids aren't listening because getting up and talking to the kid is too much like hard work. "Get your shoes on your gonna be late" screamed from the kitchen table to the kids upstairs.

I try to stay in the middle because both my kid and me hate raised voices of any kind. My kid has a meltdown if you shout at her. Just being firm is more than enough. So, no, I don't yell.. not often. In the last year I think I've yelled once when she'd done something daft with her phone.

Once again ablesm in full swing.

My mam was in a wheelchair, we had a lift fitted but do you have ANY idea how fucking slow they are. Shouting "Get your shoes on your gonna be late" was in NO way lazy or abusive.

Maybe you should pause to think of your luck in the fact that going up and down stairs is not only something you can physically do but also something you are privileged to be able to do fast and with ease.

Burpcloth · 14/09/2023 16:40

Agree with a pp upthread that it's also culturally specific, or relevant to your own specific family culture. We're perhaps a more expressive, shouty family inside the home, but that doesn't mean aggressive, or using tone of voice to dominate. You can totally be aggressive without yelling.

I also largely follow gentle-ish parenting but if I talked to my kid in, for instance, the ubiquitous slow, soft voice advocated by Instagram gentle parenting experts it would be so unnatural and out of character, that it would unnerve her and really not help.

fearfuloffluff · 14/09/2023 16:53

Burpcloth · 14/09/2023 16:40

Agree with a pp upthread that it's also culturally specific, or relevant to your own specific family culture. We're perhaps a more expressive, shouty family inside the home, but that doesn't mean aggressive, or using tone of voice to dominate. You can totally be aggressive without yelling.

I also largely follow gentle-ish parenting but if I talked to my kid in, for instance, the ubiquitous slow, soft voice advocated by Instagram gentle parenting experts it would be so unnatural and out of character, that it would unnerve her and really not help.

I had a flatmate from Naples once. I thought she had big problems with her family as she was always shouting on the phone in Italian. Turns out just saying 'how has your week been, mine was fine' is quite shouty in Neapolitan