To think all parents yell

[fit2023]

I am a 'gentle' parent (in quotation marks because the word means different things to different people) and I have yelled at my dc.

I always talk about it later with them. I take responsibility for my yelling, and tell them it's not their fault I have used my 'scary' voice.

When I feel like all is good (we have a strong connection again), I try and understand why they did/ said what they did before I lost it and suggest better ways for them to react next time I.e. correct their behaviour that way, with calm authority.

Posting this as often when a parent says 'I yelled at dc' they're being attacked on here.
We are all human and there's often many things going on for us. As long as we try and fix things as we go, think how to do things differently next time, we are doing parenting right.

You’ll have it nailed by then!! Start early, get them used to it as a normal part of life 😂

Although, I deployed ‘the look’ to my daughter yesterday, when I expected her to say ‘pardon me’ after an intentionally loud burp, and she held my gaze for ages - said nothing - we were locked in a battle of wills, and then she broke me by saying, ‘you’re about to laugh!’. And that was that, she won 😂

Nope, never yelled at my kids (10 and 30). I go quiet when cross. My kids are terrified of silence.

We've started using timers in this situation quite a lot - eg if they've been messing around and not listening, instead of yelling I'd say 'I'm setting a timer, you have two minutes to get your pants on and wash your hands, starting now' - with sometimes a consequence if they don't achieve it

Doesn't always work but sometimes it does! Probably some people would disapprove of that as well :)

i dont lose control. my 'shouting' is saved for those moments when they need a sharp shock.

If you shout all the time, the occasion you NEED to shout, has zero effect.

I use a stern voice quite a bit, but if something gets to the point i've had to shout, my two (14 & 17) know they have crossed a line, or are in danger.

Yes sometimes I lose control and shout. I have a DD whose behaviour is very challenging a lot of the time. Most of the time I am able to navigate this without shouting but occasionally, and since I am only human and have bad days, I do lose my temper and shout.

Actually this happened this morning, which I really hate because it's such a shit way to start the day for both of us. I will talk to her when she gets home and apologise profusely for shouting because it was not an acceptable way to respond and I am the adult; I should have been able to diffuse the situation without losing control. We will also discuss her disrespectful behaviour and I will expect her to acknowledge her negative choices and similarly think about how she should be treating the other people she shares a home with.

I think there's a massive difference between just being a shouty parent who rants and raves and creates a household environment where everyone is constantly on eggshells, and being a normal, human parent who occasionally messes up but is capable of apologies and self reflection.

🤣🤣🤣 that's it now, you'll never have the upper hand with the look again. Brilliant daughter 😆😆😆

Hahaha, it’s made me chuckle loads just writing the story! 😂😂

Yelling shouldn’t be confused with shouting and raising your voice. Some parents use a stern voice and some parents shout. Some parents do both. Shouting is no worse than a scary stern voice.

Yelling is a very angry response to something. And if used properly it’s still alright. Yelling and ranting in a child’s face is obviously not ok. Yelling in to the air over the fucking noise when your children aren’t listening I can’t get worked up over. Some parents are at the end of their tether with with their children’s behaviour.

I have never raised my voice to my five year old. It's a conscious decision because of growing up in an abusive home. There has not been one occasion where I have shouted at her.

No, never shouted or yelled. My parents didn't and neither did my Ex who raised my children with me, and neither did his parents.

Children are now 17 and 21 and positively compare their non-shouty childhoods with their mates.

And I also felt no need to operate some passive aggressive creepy voice!

I know this sounds smug, so perhaps it's just a habit I never formed?! I'm not a shouter in life anyway having suffered an abusive childhood at the hands of a sibling - who knows how I may have turned out otherwise?

I only shout to warn of danger, but I do use a stern voice when my DS pushes boundaries. My DS is almost 3.

I'm not short-tempered though. We all have short-comings. I'm quite scatty at times and feel I should be more organised.

I have yelled. Not proud of it but not guilty either. And yes, I always apologised.

I have been known to shout. Usually after I have asked DS2 to do something for the gazillionth time. He seems to have cloth ears, as my dad would have said. I never felt the need to shout at DS1 to be honest, as he was always very compliant and eager to please. The only time I might shout at him is to get him out of bed for school. He is a total nightmare in this respect.

DP grew up in a family of shouters. I think one of the big differences is that they shouted into his face. Very deliberately and very threateningly. He was petrified of his parents. I tend to mostly shout into the ether. I'm still not proud of it though and I do apologise.

I yell.

It may be a lifestyle thing here.

We live very rural, the children, four under five, are very free range, but with safety boundaries.

We wear hi viz outside, we do not open gates, we NEVER run in the yard. Ever.

So faced with a situation where a gate is opened and a child bombs into the yard where tractors and heavy machinery is turning, yes I yell. Please don't do that darling would not stop them or the tractor.

On normal day to day stuff, I don't yell, can't think of it anyway.

But yes absolutely I am a danger yeller.

@TheBarbieEffect 😆 You're less than three years into parenting, hold the judgement.

I haven't known one who doesn't.
I've lost my rag on many occasions but I also have to repeatedly yell up stairs so I don't have to go trekking up there yet again. I have teens.

Nope. Yelling is not necessary and if you’re that out of control you need to sort yourself out.

@N4ish I replied to the poster you quoted, which hopefully you can read later but I was trying to make it clear in my op that I would tell them it's not their fault I was loud.

I always talk about it later with them. I take responsibility for my yelling, and tell them it's not their fault I had ^used my 'scary' voice.

^I do discuss the behaviour - something rude, hurtful they did - once we are both calm and happy; after I had already apologised for the yelling.

Sorry if my op wasn't clear on that. Actually, the part where I'd make sure I wouldn't leave them blaming themselves for my reaction, was an important point I was trying to make.

It depends what you mean by yelling, using a raised voice out of frustration/to warn of danger doesn't have to mean you're out of control. Come back when your child is older though, a 3 year old who doesn't have as much autonomy over their emotions/reactions/understand of the world can be very different to an older child. Not saying 'yelling' whatever we are defining that as is ideal, or that it should be something done regularly but people are human at the end of the day.

Yabu, I don’t yell or shout at my children, never have done. My mum was an incredibly shouty parent and I spent so much of my childhood feeling frightened as she lost control, we weren’t even naughty children - it was more about us not tidying our shoes away quick enough or leaving crumbs on the side, we weren’t openly disrespectful or bad kids, didn’t get mixed up with bad crowds etc, she just shouted all the time.
I vowed to never do this or make my kids feel frightened of me!! I also think when you start shouting that they learn to shout back and then everything just gets louder.
of course I call up the stairs to them (the older 2 have bedrooms in the loft!) but not what I would class as yelling at my kids.
No judgement towards the shouters, the same as I don’t expect any judgement for my non shouting. I too have perfected ‘the look’.
We’re all doing our bloody best aren’t we?

@SleepingStandingUp yep that could be a recording from my house!

I have only "yelled" when I need to catch my child's attention in a dangerous situation.

We walked past a dad yelling at his son in the playground because the son had anxiety about going into school.

I would never do what the dad did, and I think the only time yelling is permissable is in circumstances where there's literally no other option, and not simply because tensions are rising or because of a power struggle. I would just walk away from those situations until every one has regulated.

I think there's a massive difference between just being a shouty parent who rants and raves and creates a household environment where everyone is constantly on eggshells, and being a normal, human parent who occasionally messes up but is capable of apologies and self reflection.

Totally agree. My Mum was a shouter and surprise surprise I've had to work pretty hard NOT to be a shouter. Doesn't mean it doesn't happen at times and it's always followed up with an apology. If there's one thing I am successfully teaching my kids, it's that humans make mistakes and how to put them right 🙂

I should add that my Mum's shouting really didn't make me scared of her or love her or like her any less. She was incredibly loving, nurturing, fun, imaginative, and playful. As, I think, am I. So yes my kids get shouted at sometimes - I wish they didn't, but I'm a flawed human - but we also have a lot of fun together and a lot of hugs and a lot of fascinating chats and all the good stuff.

Iv never yelled at mine (2&7). I don’t agree with it with the exception for if they are further down the street for eg and your shouting to let them know there’s a car etc but never otherwise. I’d never shout at them

I can probably count on my hand the amount of times I've shouted at my kids in 8 years but that's not because I'm a perfect parent it's just because my eldest has always been very timid and cautious (complete opposite of me 😂) so I haven't needed to. DD2 is 7 months and already completely different so I'm sure I'll make up for lost time 🤷🏼‍♀️. I don't really think there's an issue with shouting as long as you make up after, the shouting followed by the silent treatment of my childhood was an issue.