To think immediate family should be informed about a birth

[MarySmit]

I'm curious about this.

If you are a first degree relative, when would you expect to be told that a relative had just had a baby?

I'm feeling rather miffed that no one bothered to inform me, so wanted opinions on this

I’m really surprised by how many people on here are unfamiliar with the term “first degree relative”.

Anyway, I’d normally expect to find out within a few hours, assuming there’s no complicated back story or estrangement. That said, I didn’t tell my DSIS that my DD had been born. I assume that DM told her pretty soon afterwards, though.

It's not about 'not being told in person', it's not being told at all. I also certainly wasn't expecting a phone call if they weren't up to it, but a text or a WhatsApp message would have been plenty.

I didn't get a phone call from another relative saying 'x has had a baby' either. I called relatives to chat and they mentioned in passing that the baby had been born. No thought of anyone to let me know.

Yes, me two, I thought it was a term that was commonly understood. Clearly not.

Yeah tbf you sound awful so doubt I'd tell you either. I'd tell my parents and siblings really quickly but then they're loving, supportive, positive etc...

And is that not a little...unusual?

And you are basing this on what exactly?

I could equally say you sound pretty vile from your judgemental post..

When was the baby born how long after that did you find out?
If it was a particularly long or distressing birth maybe they are taking time to deal with that before speaking to anyone else?

Grandparents within a couple of hours. I knew when my DD had gone into labour, and my consequent anxiety for her took me by surprise. I was pacing the floor like an expectant father, terrified that something might go wrong. That phone call saying that the baby had arrived safely and that my DD was fine, was more a relief than a celebration. Please don't keep GPs in the dark for longer tha necessary.

When we had our babies the GPs knew within the hour, and were asked to pass the news on to our siblings and my own GPs. It's very possible that your sibling expected your parents to pass on the news, @MarySmit

I think first degree relative is confusing here because you aren't a first degree relative to the baby.

However, IME the parents ring the grandparents more or less straight away (i.e. one everyone is well and the mum is sorted out) and then the grandparents spread the news from there.

I wouldn't expect the parents to be contacting siblings.

But if your relationship with them is fine, wouldn't you just assume it was an honest mistake. They thought your parents would tell you, your parents thought they would?

What's 'awful'?

She's clearly upset as most people who thought they had a normal family relationship would be.

Geez of course there's some urgency, people will be anxious to know all is well.

It's apparent why they might not have said something

That is highly, highly unusual and you probably have a slightly different family set up/arrangement/relationship than most people.

For the OP I wouldn't take offence. Just presume someone forgot to call you/thought you knew and let it go.

Mind you I couldn't imagine a situation in which my MIL or my parents wouldn't call me when a baby was born to a sibling of me or my husband.

I wonder if this is a case of everything thought someone else was doing it, so no-one did it? Not intentional.

Well we don’t tell people when I go into labor and so there wouldn’t be an anxiety about finding out. Isn’t it odd to tell everyone you’re in labor?

It doesn’t matter what degree your relation is to you, only the dynamics and closeness of any relationship between you.

It would also be a very bad idea to raise this with the new parents who will have much bigger priorities at the moment.

I'm close to my brother and sister - but when both became parents for the first time there were complications. They contacted my parents and let my parents tell the wider family. Is it possible that OP's parents/ another relative told and asked to pass the message on and OP somehow got left out? If the relationship is usually good then I would assume some unintentional omission in the flurry of new parenthood/ grandparenthood is more likely than actual malice?

I think if you're fairly close then it's fair enough you feel a bit put out. I didn't message everyone in my family when I had either of my DDs. Mum was with me so Dad knew and they informed my family, partner told his Parents who in turn told the rest of his family. Posted on our social media so other friends and family would know ect. I was so out of it and tired and overwhelmed that it wasn't the first thing I thought to do anyway. I just wanted to get home with my family

I'd find it odd but just send a congratulations. It seems to be the thing at the moment to not tell people, ban visitors for 5 years etc.

How long has it been since they had the baby? Did the baby have to spend time in the NICU? Did Mum have a difficult birth? There are many reasons why someone would wait to tell people they had their baby. Sometimes they just need a few days to bond with their baby and settle into parenthood.

Our youngest was born at 35 weeks. Our pediatrician recommended we wait a couple of weeks to have visitors meet him (after his first checkup), so there were people we waited to tell because we knew they would push for a visit before he was medically cleared.

A friend of mine had PND. She didn’t tell most people her baby was born for several weeks because that’s how long it took her to be ready to talk with anyone other than her DH and her mom. No one who cared about her held it against her. We just wanted what was best for her and baby.

I would try to give them the benefit of the doubt. Send them a text congratulating them and let them know that you would like to meet the baby whenever they feel up for a visit. Offer to drop off some food.

I find some of these answers strange as I am very close to my sibling so would tell them pretty immediately but appreciate others would find that strange so I guess it depends on the relationship. I was texting my SIL pretty regularly throughout her labour and received a photo in the hour after the baby arrived. I also received texts and photos from my best friends partner’s when their babies were born. I couldn’t imagine not knowing relatively quickly and would definitely feel hurt to be excluded.

Okay, if this is a sibling you’re not terribly close to or have had a strained relationship with, and you called your mum for a chat and she said the baby had been born yesterday or the day before, then it’s be fair to feel a bit disappointed not to hear direct but you should be able to understand that your sib is overwhelmed with new parenthood and might have just assumed your parents would share the news. Was it a straightforward birth, or were there complications?

If you’ve been close all your lives and you’ve been texting them to check in as you know they were close to their due date but heard nothing, but then heard from your cousin that the baby was born a week ago then yeah, that would be weird and you’ve been deliberately snubbed.

I think we told our parents, ie DC's grandparents within an hour or two and let them spread the word to other relatives. I don't think we told our siblings ourselves, although actually I'm not sure if we texted them afterwards, or whether I'm thinking of their congratulatory texts to us, but our parents would have told them straight away.

I wouldn't have kept my parents waiting as they knew I'd gone into hospital both times so would have been desperately waiting for news. And once you've told one set of grandparents you have to tell the other. I don't think there is need for everyone to be told in person though, messages passed on by other relatives is fine. My SIL kept my poor mil waiting 12 hours after she was taken in by ambulance from her planned home birth. The baby was born in the night so they didn't want to wake her, and then bil got home for sleep early morning and sil was exhausted after difficult birth. Needless to say mil was certainly not asleep after her daughter had been taken off in an ambulance and would have appreciated a quick text to let her know all was eventually ok before bil went to sleep, but I think she understood why really.

I don't think anyone other than the grandparents or new baby's siblings should be put out by being told second hand though, and I don't think there is urgency unless you know they will be worried and waiting for news. But unless you or baby are very ill afterwards or are no contact / v low contact with relatives, it's odd not to want them to know the same day. I was excited about telling people.

AIBU is a strange place.

Q. AIBU to be miffed that no one told me that my sibling’s baby had been born?

A. YABU, you’re being ridiculous. It’s none of your fucking business.