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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think immediate family should be informed about a birth

333 replies

MarySmit · 13/09/2023 22:12

I'm curious about this.

If you are a first degree relative, when would you expect to be told that a relative had just had a baby?

I'm feeling rather miffed that no one bothered to inform me, so wanted opinions on this

OP posts:
1daughterand3sons · 13/09/2023 22:51

Bunnyhair · 13/09/2023 22:21

My dad still doesn’t know I had a baby 6 years ago. 🤷‍♀️

I only found out this week that my sister had a baby 6 years ago a month before my son was born. I've spoken to her and she's visited me just never mentioned her daughter.

My youngest brother doesn't know I've had 3 children in the last 6 years.

TheMountainsCall · 13/09/2023 22:52

We told my parents, closest friends and the ILs within hours. As soon as we were settled. We didn't tell any siblings. We left our parents to do that.

Notonthestairs · 13/09/2023 22:53

For heavens sakes - just wish them well.

Limonatamum · 13/09/2023 22:53

have you had children yourself?
honestly in my birth I almost died, my child almost died and I slept about an hour from thurs morn-Sunday morn, texting anyone other than my mum and husband was just not on my radar, siblings included. Don’t let it cloud anything, its unlikely to be personal!

ClementDrive · 13/09/2023 22:54

By chance I was considering posting about a very similar situation. It was only by a chance comment from my mother's carer in her care home that I discovered that I became a great uncle back in April. I have always been very low contact with my sister but I had always tried to maintain a relationship with her children, sending them both birthday and Christmas presents until they were 25..

VeridicalVagabond · 13/09/2023 22:54

No one in our family knew my sister had given birth for 3 days. She had an incredibly traumatic birth that was stressful and scary for her, husband and baby. They opted to just nest together and heal and recover for a few days before letting everyone know because they knew once those floodgates were open they'd be inundated with visitors and well wishers and aunties desperate to meet baby (huuuuge family).

I've never minded because it's her baby, her birth, not actually anything to do with me even though she and I are really close. We found out when it was right for us to find out.

JanesBlond · 13/09/2023 22:55

Probably the same day or next day if it was late. Not immediately, I’d expect them to be taking things in for the first few hours at least. I wouldn’t be offended if it was longer.

PickAChew · 13/09/2023 22:57

What difference would it have made to your life whether they told you 10 minutes or 3 days after the birth? What difference would you have made to their lives had they told you sooner?

Most of the time, even with close knit relatives, one person gets contacted then spreads the news. Mum, dad and baby tend to be quite busy.

bingbongbang23 · 13/09/2023 22:57

My immediate family (parents, siblings) knew within few hours. They were literally the first people I got in touch with, couldn't imagine not wanting to share it with them. Then extended family knew within day or so as I put on the group whatsapp chat.

I have never understood secrecy around births. For me, it's a joyous occasion that I have always enjoyed sharing

somewhereovertherain · 13/09/2023 22:58

MarySmit · 13/09/2023 22:46

First degree relative has a clear definition (parent, child, sibling). In this case it was a sibling.

If they choose not to tell you it’s none do your fucking business.

PickAChew · 13/09/2023 22:58

bingbongbang23 · 13/09/2023 22:57

My immediate family (parents, siblings) knew within few hours. They were literally the first people I got in touch with, couldn't imagine not wanting to share it with them. Then extended family knew within day or so as I put on the group whatsapp chat.

I have never understood secrecy around births. For me, it's a joyous occasion that I have always enjoyed sharing

Maybe read 3 post up from yours.

Original poster
MarySmit · 13/09/2023 22:59

Yes, I have had children. I let family know straight away.

I'm not 'making this about me', just trying to find out what is the norm here. It's hard to know what to do if I haven't heard from them (is contact even wanted at this point if they haven't contacted me?). I had tried hard (though the effort felt very much one way) and thought we had a good relationship, but now I don't know.

OP posts:
smilesup · 13/09/2023 23:00

Verymodestmouse · 13/09/2023 22:17

What’s the timing? I didn’t tell anyone for two days.

That's a bit weird and self absorbed imho.
We told everyone within 12 hours.

PonyPatter44 · 13/09/2023 23:02

Well, you've found out now, so just send them a nice text saying congratulations and you're looking forward to meeting the baby when they're ready for visitors.

Personally I couldn't imagine not telling my family, but everyone is different.

thecatsthecats · 13/09/2023 23:02

MarySmit · 13/09/2023 22:46

First degree relative has a clear definition (parent, child, sibling). In this case it was a sibling.

Kind of depends if you communicate with them like you communicate with the people replying to this thread...

How long did it take for you to find out and who was the other relative? (By which I mean aunt/uncle/cousin/sibling etc, not a degree)

carly2803 · 13/09/2023 23:02

no- upto the parents of the baby to inform people when they want

no-one has a right except the birth parents to know!

Runnerduck34 · 13/09/2023 23:04

We told my parents and siblings within an hour or so of our DC being born.
My brother did the same.
I think its normal to tell immediate family same day. Unless theres a huge backstory or no contact

continentallentil · 13/09/2023 23:06

How long has it been exactly?!

Anyway, I imagine they’ve had a rough time etc, so just send a nice text and don’t take it to heart.

TregunaMekoides · 13/09/2023 23:08

I am very close to my siblings but my babies were born in the middle of the night so I just told my parents who then told my siblings. DH and I both have parents still alive and multiple siblings so it was easier just to tell parents to pass the message on.
I spoke to them all in the following days but did not inform them personally of the births at the time. I didn't think any of them are bothered by that. Well. If they are it was many years ago and no one has said anything!

I suppose it would depend how long it's been as to whether I think YABU. To be honest I'd be more pissed off with the rest of my family for not passing the message on as opposed to directing my anger at someone who's just given birth.

continentallentil · 13/09/2023 23:08

smilesup · 13/09/2023 23:00

That's a bit weird and self absorbed imho.
We told everyone within 12 hours.

Show quote history

Why?

There’s no urgency is there. And if you’re knackered is nice to get a bit of peace. Plus the fact if you can’t be self absorbed with a newborn, when can you be..

PinkGiraffe1 · 13/09/2023 23:12

Who did you hear the news from? Could it be that the new parents told the first lot of people expecting them to spread the word? How long ago did they give birth to you knowing?

Just send them a message saying you've heard the wonderful news. Wish them your congrats and say you're looking forward to seeing them all when they're ready.

pushnpull · 13/09/2023 23:13

It's not even that you are being unreasonable, you are being ridiculous.

Just because you chose to tell your family straight away, it doesn't mean others have to.

FirstFallopians · 13/09/2023 23:16

This seems to be very normal on MN, but in real life I don’t know anyone that has a decent relationship with their siblings and parents who didn’t tell them as soon as possible.

WhoPutCrabsticksInMyBedroom · 13/09/2023 23:17

1daughterand3sons · 13/09/2023 22:51

I only found out this week that my sister had a baby 6 years ago a month before my son was born. I've spoken to her and she's visited me just never mentioned her daughter.

My youngest brother doesn't know I've had 3 children in the last 6 years.

Show quote history

Now that is weird. She visited but not once mentioned her DD. Wow.

Starseeking · 13/09/2023 23:18

Reading this thread, I've just realised I didn't tell either of my "first degree relatives" i.e. siblings I'd given birth either time, 2 times in less than 9 years).

DP at the time called my parents and they told them. Saw them all within a day once back home, no-one batted an eyelid at not being called within the first hours after birth.

Given that you know, just celebrate the baby, and forget about all this "I haven't been told directly" nonsense.