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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think immediate family should be informed about a birth

333 replies

MarySmit · 13/09/2023 22:12

I'm curious about this.

If you are a first degree relative, when would you expect to be told that a relative had just had a baby?

I'm feeling rather miffed that no one bothered to inform me, so wanted opinions on this

OP posts:
Fullspectrum · 14/09/2023 11:03

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Fullspectrum · 14/09/2023 11:04

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Softtowel · 14/09/2023 11:04

MarySmit · 14/09/2023 10:33

Wow, an awful lot of assumptions here. I had said earlier that I was texting to say congratulations, and offered to visit if it was wanted. I will leave it at that.

I haven't 'sulked' or 'made this all about me', I just wasn't sure how to react, in what most here have acknowledged is an unusual situation (not informing siblings soon after delivery).

You have made this all about you though, you’re posting online asking whether you should have been told the baby was born. If that’s not sulking then what is it? You could’ve spent the time thinking of what you could do to help your sibling from a distance.

I strongly suspect there’s a backstory here where you don’t have a close relationship and I don’t think you’ve shared the full story, which is absolutely your prerogative.

How old is the baby out of interest? Are we talking hours, weeks or months?

Fullspectrum · 14/09/2023 11:06

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ClaudiaWankleman · 14/09/2023 11:21

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Yes, and my point remains - it's OK to feel upset or a bit miffed at that fact.

Fullspectrum · 14/09/2023 11:23

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crumblylancs · 14/09/2023 11:31

MarySmit · 14/09/2023 10:33

Wow, an awful lot of assumptions here. I had said earlier that I was texting to say congratulations, and offered to visit if it was wanted. I will leave it at that.

I haven't 'sulked' or 'made this all about me', I just wasn't sure how to react, in what most here have acknowledged is an unusual situation (not informing siblings soon after delivery).

From this and your last post about building a relationship, it doesn't sound like you're close and that there's a potential backstory.

Has there recently been upset/fallouts between you? I know sibling relationships can be difficult.

Just from what you've said, i'd assume your sibling doesn't want a close relationship with you so I'd leave it be until they contact you

LaMarschallin · 14/09/2023 11:32

ClaudiaWankleman · 14/09/2023 11:02

Exactly, so OP's reaction is completely justified. Wouldn't you be feeling upset if you were suddenly forced to reconsider the relationship you thought you had with someone close?

Yes, I would.
I don't know if it's justified or not but I suspect there's a back story.

PrinnyPree · 14/09/2023 11:35

OP will you be telling us how long after the birth you found out? That's kind of an important piece of context.

ColleenDonaghy · 14/09/2023 11:55

LaMarschallin · 14/09/2023 11:32

Yes, I would.
I don't know if it's justified or not but I suspect there's a back story.

OP has made it clear there is a back story - she wants a close relationship but her sibling doesn't. She's made efforts over the years but nothing has changed.

Perhaps naturally, OP hoped the new arrival would lead to an opening up of the relationship.

Also naturally, the new parents is focussed on their new baby and not the sibling with whom they've clearly been careful to maintain boundaries.

diddl · 14/09/2023 12:03

My husband told my parents & then his & we left them to tell anyone else (including my sibling).

sawnotseen · 14/09/2023 12:04

With my first, I phoned my mum and MIL to tell them I was in labour, and my best friend. ExH rang the three just after she was born (when I was being stitched up) and they spread the word! This was before we had mobile phones. Second time, I did the same when in labour (mum came to collect daughter) but I text everyone close, just after he was born whilst I was having a cup of tea. We wanted to share our news with family and friends. My sister and friends also did the same.

Evieanne · 14/09/2023 12:06

Imo everyone has the right to know how many siblings they have, who their parents and grandparents are but nothing more than that.

cheesenpiccle · 14/09/2023 12:08

May be in the minority here but my family usually know a baby has been born within the hour, usually by the second birthing partner. We are all extremely close, mind you

AliceOlive · 14/09/2023 13:12

My SIL (now ex) was about the biggest nightmare on the planet but we (mom, me, her mom) were all in the waiting room both times, at their request.

applesandmares · 14/09/2023 13:18

I told my parents within a few hours and they filtered the information through to my siblings to save me calling round. There is no doubt over the closeness of the relationship between my family and I though.

If you want a close relationship with your sibling, I wouldn't think now is the time to be stepping back. Maybe offer to take some food over for them, or ask if there's anything they need? I personally didn't want family coming over to do my cooking & cleaning postpartum but I know plenty of people welcome it.

DysmalRadius · 14/09/2023 14:05

I think perhaps the approach is what comes across as abrupt. The OP is about what should happen, when we all know that any generalisation probably won't apply in this case. One of my parents and one of my siblings have never been informed about the births of my children, but I recognise that's relatively unusual.

I suspect that if the OP had said 'I'm really sad that my sister/brother didn't tell me about their baby. Do you think this is a sign that our relationship is beyond repair?' the responses would have been more reassuring.

However, the idea that anyone 'should' do anything based on what's normal for others makes it sound like you are collecting evidence that you have been wronged which probably isn't hugely helpful and suggests that you might be looking for affront, presumably due to past experience. It's probably a bit unfair to use this as a measure of your future relationship - I would give them another chance if you want to strengthen it.

Anothnamechang · 14/09/2023 16:03

As soon as I was round from theatre I FaceTimed my best friend who was looking after my older two girls. I let family know via our groupchats.

Was there potentially complications with delivery etc? I purposely didn’t call anyone other than my girls and friend as I wanted them to know my girl arrived ok. As for other family there would be an abundance of questions which at that time I couldn’t answer. Was a simple case of she was here and from what I knew doing ok.

TheGhostofLoganRoy · 14/09/2023 16:11

for some people I think there's an attention seeking element. They relish the expressions of surprise when they deign to tell people they had a baby...three days ago.

I'm sorry but I think this is really narcissistic.

One thing I've noticed over recent years is the amount of people who assume that anything anyone else does is aimed at them personally. It's just so me me me, and I think it's liked to social media and maybe Covid. So many people have Main Character Syndrome and act like everyone else just exists to either impress or frustrate them. You see it on MN, "oh woman who prance around carrying coffee cups and pretending to be busy are just doing it to show off and make SAHM feel bad" - no one gives a fuck about you, why would they?

The truth is, most people are preoccupied with themselves and aren't thinking about anyone other than themselves and their immediate commitments and priorities.

I know that whenever I've felt that someone was snubbing me, it turned out that they were just preoccupied with other stuff and I simply wasn't in their mind at all (which hurt a lot more than being deliberately snubbed). And whenever someone has accused me of snubbing them, it was someone I literally hadn't thought about, or had maybe fleetingly thought "crap haven't texted that person, guilt guilt guilt, add it to to-do list, procrastinate, forget."

It's narcissistic to think people are snubbing you on purpose or doing stuff to impress you, because you're inventing and projecting a huge amount of self-importance onto those people and imaging that stuff they do is aimed at you personally when you're obviously not a major person in their life.

In reality most people think about themselves, and simply aren't thinking about you at all. It's a tough lesson to swallow: you're not as big a factor in other people's choices as you think you are.

zingally · 14/09/2023 16:57

An adult sibling has a baby, I'd expect to hear within a few hours.

Cousins etc, I'd expect to hear within 2 or 3 days max. But that is usually "heard on the family grapevine" rather than from the parents direct.

Any further out than that, I don't really give a shit.

Fullspectrum · 14/09/2023 17:15

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SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 14/09/2023 18:02

CurlewKate · 14/09/2023 09:43

@SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs "There are a fair few drama llamas on Facebook who would deem themselves first degree relatives when in actual fact, they're only an aunt/cousin etc and go on the rampage at being left out of the news."

And as many who consider anyone but "my little family" as distant relations!

Yep, there is a happy medium. I think that was why people were asking OP exactly what she meant, to get clarification.

Milly89 · 14/09/2023 20:57

Our mums where our point of contact when in labour/after birth. We let our mums know, and they would pass the relevant details onto siblings. Dad's were told after birth by us after they'd been born (probably within an hour of them being born, neither are Mega close with our dads) we also told close friends within a couple of hours. Everyone else found out via fb 🤣🤣

SparklestheUnicorn · 14/09/2023 21:22

Well I delivered my niece (emergency situation) so I knew right away, but my sister asked me to let other sister know, and our parents filtered the news down to other relatives. However, our other sister still doesn’t know about nieces existence nearly 3 years on.

We are a close family - apart from eldest sister- and I do think it depends on how close you all are. Saying you hoped it would build a stronger/ better/ closer relationship doesn’t sound like the pre-existing relationship was close enough to be informed immediately.

luckylavender · 14/09/2023 21:26

@MarySmit @IsleOfPenguinBollards - I have never heard that expression before. Sounds more like a legal entity.