To think immediate family should be informed about a birth

[MarySmit]

I'm curious about this.

If you are a first degree relative, when would you expect to be told that a relative had just had a baby?

I'm feeling rather miffed that no one bothered to inform me, so wanted opinions on this

We told our mothers, and expecting them to spread the word to the rest of the family. Due to hospitals and their often terrible network, it involved my husband leaving the ward, so they were the only calls made for a couple of days with the second. The first there were a lot of complications and we simply didn't want to talk to anyone else, so again, relied on our mothers passing it all on.

It’s a long time ago now but I honestly don’t think either me or my husband told any siblings. It was just assumed that the grandmothers would be phoning around half of England within 2 mins of finding out themselves. Which I assume they did as the congratulations messages started pouring in straight away

for some people I think there's an attention seeking element. They relish the expressions of surprise when they deign to tell people they had a baby...three days ago.

'we're not like other basic couples who let people know the baby arrived a mere few hours after the birth'.

With my first 4 I phoned my parents and DH phoned his within the first hour and asked them to tell the siblings. With my youngest, PIL were looking after the other dc so DH told them when he got home from the hospital, about 4 or 5 hours later I think. I had sepsis and was in hdu so I called my mum the next day when I was a bit more capable of having a conversation. Goodness knows what I actually said to her as by the next time I phoned her I had no recollection of telling her at all and asked her how she knew DS was here!

I don't think it's that people dont understand "first degree relative", its that theyre asking your understanding of it. There are a fair few drama llamas on Facebook who would deem themselves first degree relatives when in actual fact, they're only an aunt/cousin etc and go on the rampage at being left out of the news.

@TheGhostofLoganRoy

Didn't say I would Chuck the baby away to text. I believe it was my husbad who told my parents and siblings, all within an hour or so of birth. But the point is, for me it is super natural that I would want them to know soon after birth.

For a lot of people, family are a source of comfort, they are who you inmediately reach out to.... sharing the good news, letting them know you are ok etc (my mum always worries when I am in labour and I want her to know me and baby are fine).

@SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs "There are a fair few drama llamas on Facebook who would deem themselves first degree relatives when in actual fact, they're only an aunt/cousin etc and go on the rampage at being left out of the news."

And as many who consider anyone but "my little family" as distant relations!

@saraclara , couldn't agree more. My family are close and we all want to be there for each other. So I don't think you are weird at all, it's the same in my family.

Haha been there. SIL didn’t bother to tell us she’d given birth but told all her friends!

My husband called both sets of parents pretty much straight away then put a message on both family watsapp groups as well.
Immediate family new within minutes of the births.
Both sets of parents new we were on hour way to the hospital with each birth.
The only other people who new straight away were my best friends then the message got passed on.

I would be heartbroken if my sisters didn't contact me asap after having their babies. However we are very close. Clearly there's a backstory to your relationship with your sister and this has affected her decision. Having said that, do bear in mind that emotions run high when you've just had a baby and she might be able to think more clearly about it all when things have settled down and reach out to you then.

DH informed his side when I was induced with our first and I honestly wish he hadn’t. The amount of texts about “if baby was here”, “why is it taking so long?”, etc were highly unnecessary. I couldn’t help that my body wasn’t ready to be forced into childbirth and took three days before em-cs. DH and I were both exhausted and upset over our treatment during and he somehow made it home without hurting himself or someone else and informed his parents and mine and I announced to family via Facebook that our son arrived when I was mentally ready.

I told DH first since he wasn’t with me the second time and had a doula. He told his family and my parents and I did the same again on Facebook. My sister and I are not close (speak once a year, sometimes two) so parents would have informed her first if she hadn’t seen it on Facebook like with the first time

When it comes to telling people, it’s down to the parents to do so when they’re ready/gotten their bearings. Unless you’re present at the hospital or been told by them during, you have no idea what has happened, how things went, how they’re feeling, etc. Unless the worse has happened, no one needs to know asap.

I think you're right to take a step back, OP, diffcult as it is for you. I would also say nothing about the baby until I heard from them directly - no matter how long it takes. Then I'd be all breezy and "Oh! The baby is born - how lovely." Send a gift after that if you feel it's appropriate, but don't visit until / unless invited. I do acknowledge that this is easier said than done, though.

You’re making this all about you which makes me wonder what your relationship with your sibling is like in the first place. It doesn’t sound like you’re particularly close?

Just because you’re related doesn’t mean you’re entitled to anything, I told my friends before my family when my children were born as they’re the ones I’m closer to/that had supported me.

Maybe going forward you could send a nice text wishing them congratulations, tell them you’d love to visit whenever they’re feeling ready for visitors. Show support and kindness and don’t make the situation about you. If someone behaved towards me the way you are, I’d think well sod them! I’ve enough on my plate after giving birth/juggling a newborn without crap from you. You either want a relationship with them or you don’t.

Somewhere there's a new mum who's wondering why her sister hasn't been in touch to congratulate her on the birth. She told her mum to pass on the news, but her sister hasn't been bothered to even message.

In the absence of a cast iron reason to think the worst of someone, I'd always assume cock up rather than deliberate omission.

I think it's the level of relationship you have with someone, rather than how closely they're related to you. For example, if I had a sibling I barely ever spoke to and with whom I had a really fractious or virtually non-existent relationship with, I'm not sure I'd expect to be told straight away that they'd had a baby.

You’re making this all about you

Oh come on...
What sister wouldn't be hurt/concerned if she hadn't been told of her niece or nephew's arrival for several days when everyone else knew?
That doesn't make the birth 'all about her'.

Whenever the couple, particularly the mother feels like it! You have no right to be told highly personal medical information about the inner goings on of a ladies womb. I hated giving birth knowing that my mother knew that I was in labour and would be wanting updates. Thankfully my mil was kept in the dark. Personally I don't think that it's unreasonable for new parents to not get around to telling people for a few days.

One who doesn’t have a particularly close relationship with them! OP IS making this all about them, she knows the baby has been born but hadn’t said how she knows. As I said, she could just wish them congratulations, say she would love to visit when they’re ready and leave it at that. Sulking isn’t going to help their relationship.

Wow, an awful lot of assumptions here. I had said earlier that I was texting to say congratulations, and offered to visit if it was wanted. I will leave it at that.

I haven't 'sulked' or 'made this all about me', I just wasn't sure how to react, in what most here have acknowledged is an unusual situation (not informing siblings soon after delivery).

Is this one of these weird Mumsnet things like not answering the door?
Don't most people let their immediate family (which is what I would call first degree relatives - that sounds very clinical to me) know when a baby has been born?
Not even relatives: my best friend's husband rang us (it was 25 years ago and telephoning was more usual) at 3am to let us know about their daughter being born (we'd asked them to tell us).

I know it's different if people are estranged or something but isn't it normal to tell people who are close to you good news?

Edit: So have just re-read the OP's posts and it's apparently a sibling who hasn't got in touch.
I'm an only child so can't comment from my own PoV. However, my elder DD has a baby and her sister was probably the next most involved person after my son in law during and after the birth.
I know not everyone is as close to a sibling as that, but I would have thought it was a pretty close relationship that would mean a call the next day at least (judging by DH and his brother).

Exactly, so OP's reaction is completely justified. Wouldn't you be feeling upset if you were suddenly forced to reconsider the relationship you thought you had with someone close?