To ask if anyone else is just letting their DC get on with sorting going off to uni

[AnneVeronica]

I think I might be overdoing the benign neglect!

DD off to uni in a couple of weeks and we've not done an Ikea/Dunhelm haul. I've not taken her to the dentist/optician. I've not made up a "care package."

I'm not planning on doing a big food shop when we arrive at her accommodation- or making her bed up.

I'm not saying one way is right or wrong - but are other DC just getting on with it?

like the op are so desperate to be the cool parent it seems to be what they need to do not

What is the obsession with cool parents on this thread - you sound so snippy.

DD tells me I'm a great mum but cool? 😂i do have a very cool DD though.

DD was on a gap year so we did the IKEA shop in peace and quiet in early June. She's very organised so has been buying stuff in charity shops and online as and when she's seen it. She had bedding and towels etc from school anyway. I've said I'll buy a box of herbs and spices/pesto/lazy garlic etc and have put together a first aid kit. DH is taking her so she will graciously allow him to escort her round Sainsbury's and pay for the shopping when they get there.

She has organised her own opticians and medical appointments etc all year. As she frequently tells me, she's an adult, so I let her get on with it......

@RampantIvy I think there's now even a trend for doubles for kids at home? It was postgrad years before I had my first double, a futon I bought myself. Also, you might get to choose your duvet cover, sometime back in primary school, but that was it until you left home, taking it with you. No revamping decor on a whim. It was sweet to glimpse past childhood enthusiasms, the macho guy with his faded spider man cover, or the goth girl with pink fairies :)

Didn’t say you were cool - said you were trying to be. Use of italics sort of prove my point 😂

I was very unwell when my youngest DC went off to uni. He was going hundreds of miles away and didn’t drive so could only take a few bags of clothes and books with him on the 3 hour train journey. He bought bedding, kitchen stuff and food at the local Asda. I did nothing at all other than give him money. He was fine!

Didn’t say you were cool - said you were trying to be. Use of italics sort of prove my point

I don't get why you're being so unpleasant. If you think using italics for emphasis in an online chat is an attempt to be cool, then you set the bar low ...

There’s definitely a balance to be struck. It’s exciting to do a shop of all the things they need and help them sort out their stuff. I remember sharing with people who had no family or who were estranged from them and it was tough for them. My parents let me do loads of things for myself but I knew they were there for me if I needed them.

I think there is only one person being unpleasant - and it isn’t me

I took DS to IKEA and generally had quite a bit of input but he has ASC so needs lots of scaffolding particularly for packing and change. His Grandma did a food package for him.

When we got there we unpacked and he told me to leave 😂 Like bye Mum I'm off to the pub!

Sounds like my BiL. He doesn't see his parents much.

I'm with @Stroopwaffels .
No matter how old my kids get, I will lend support. Doesn't make anyone look more 'cool' for being hands off as soon as they turn 18.

Most young adults settle in ok and cope fine. The lucky ones have loving family backgrounds, whether or not their parents did the escorting or shopping beforehand.

Students realise they have to get on with it and do so. Whether their parents left them to it, or helped them make their bed for them when they moved in or not. Strangely enough!

I don’t think analysing the transition process of other families yields anything useful. There are no medals either way as the outcome is generally the same: student learns to make their bed and registers with a GP. But this is MN!

I think it's important for them to take the lead. They're adults, and they will soon need to live alone - it's good practice for them to prepare for this.

Let them know that you're there if they need your help, but don't nag them about buying things, don't pack for them etc. Let them get on with it.

When I went, I ended up with 5 outfits for fancy dress in freshers week, and pretty much nothing else. I don't know what I was expecting to wear to lectures!

I would be doing all that stuff in your first post and probably more.

The other important think to remember is that you're allowed to do things for yourself as well. It can be a very difficult time for parents, and if their children are kind they'll
allow a bit of fussing. Particulary if it results in a trip to IKEA and some cake!

I went about an hour from home (late 90s), and as we got our keys on a Friday, my Dad took me, as Mum was a teacher. He had no idea of what I needed, etc. I packed the car - emptying much of my bedroom! - and he drove us there. I'd just turned 17 (Scotland), and was fairly sensible in some ways.
He helped me unpack (including my Forever Friends duvet cover!), and also took me to Sainsbury's for a 'big shop', then the bookshop, for some of my reading list.
Finally, he took me to the student shop, and bought me a Uni sweatshirt, and a rape whistle! 😂
Apparently my mother was sobbing when he got home. 😮

My DS will go to Uni next year and I know I'll be buying all his bedding and towels and a few bits and bobs he needs. He hates shopping and is not fond of me asking questions or making a fuss. Luckily he can cook and organise things like specsavers as he has already booked appointments with them and so he should be able to navigate a local GP etc

They learn from each other how to cook, clean and sort things out.

Some won't know how to boil an egg or make a cup of tea whilst others can cook an extravagant 3 course meal. My DS is somewhere in the middle.

DS can come home whenever he wants but I'll surprised if we see him between holidays

Doesn't make anyone look more 'cool' for being hands off as soon as they turn 18

What is the obsession with cool on this thread? 🙄

I can be cool and uncool at a flick of a switch

I started to talk to DS about buying stuff when he goes to Uni but then realised he'll be taking his current bedding and towels which are decent and fairly new.

Realised I was being drawn into buying all this new crap when of course he / we already has / have most of the stuff at home anyway.

Some won't know how to boil an egg or make a cup of tea

I don't understand why a parent doesn't teach their NT offspring how to cook, or be able to carry out most normal life skills.

I realsie that there will be some students who for some reason find this difficult, but boasting that a perfectly capable 18 is unable to cook is quite frankly nothing to be proud about.

But he needs to shop really doesn't he? Like at some point he's going to have to shop for his own bedding and towels? He hates to shop is a bit of a rubbish reason

Of course parents can go with their DC, as a fun activity, if that's what the DC want, but I don't think because "oh he doesn't like shopping".

If your DC can't boil an egg, you wouldn't send them off to uni and then make them learn. You'd make them boil an egg before they bloody left. You'd tell them to make cup of teas all fucking summer. Don't wait till they've left to learn these skills

I think it's starting to become clear where all the useless husbands come from...

I think it’s nice to help your kids. If they want it. For some kids it would help them feel loved and prepared for the next step, for others it would be overbearing. Different kids need different things.

I went to university in 1991 and it wasn't like that for me, or anyone I knew. All from a very average state school surrounded by mainly council estates. Many of the teens going were first person in the family to be off to university.

Pretty much everyone was driven by parents there. I don't know a single one who was expected to just leave on their own, and certainly not by train or bus with their stuff. No one really had their own cars so didn't know anyone who drive themselves.

Pretty much all had parents who helped them get sorted, helped them shop for the stuff they needed, supported them as much as they could emotionally and financially, if able. We didn't have a lot of spare money around but my parents took me shopping for things like bedding, towels, pots and pans, crockery, university stationary supplies, etc. They also collected me and took me back after each holiday, as did everyone I know.

I've read in MN about students of the 90s being waved off at the family home, sent by train/bus and left to fend for themselves as adults. My reality of that time is so far removed from that!