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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone else is just letting their DC get on with sorting going off to uni

229 replies

AnneVeronica · 13/09/2023 19:00

I think I might be overdoing the benign neglect!

DD off to uni in a couple of weeks and we've not done an Ikea/Dunhelm haul. I've not taken her to the dentist/optician. I've not made up a "care package."

I'm not planning on doing a big food shop when we arrive at her accommodation- or making her bed up.

I'm not saying one way is right or wrong - but are other DC just getting on with it?

OP posts:
Qilin · 14/09/2023 18:07

I think we did a happy medium based in her friends, though probably
Way way more than the 'average' Mumsnetter!

I don't know anyone amongst family and friends who view their 18 year olds, just left school, as fully formed independent adults. Just overgrown teens who need a bit of support and guidance to reach full adulthood. Adult at times, but also still like big kids at other times, 🤷‍♀️

We took dd shopping, paid for the stuff she needed, drove her there, helped her move in and get settled, took her for a food shop, gave her cash, etc. That was throughout her three years. She's just graduated this summer.

Despite our, based on MN standards, over-helping of dd is an organised, well adjusted, independent young woman ready to start her adult life beyond university.

Qilin · 14/09/2023 18:10

AnneVeronica · 13/09/2023 20:09

I'd have felt very unloved if I was just ignored until I left

Who says they're ignoring their child? Mine's just getting on with it and if she decides she wants the Rite of Passage trip to Ikea with Mum, then off we'll go.

To buy what, I do not know.

We bought things like towels, bedding, mattress toppers, pans, crockery, cutlery, utensils, bathroom stuff, desk tidy stuff, small bookcase she needed, stationary items, couple of cushions - and yes, the obligatory fairy lights!

The 'care' package included things like first aid items, medication, covid stuff (it was summer 2020!) rather than chocolate and sweets. They were in the first shop instead.

Qilin · 14/09/2023 18:12

You made her bed?

I think I made DD's bed too. Shock, horror!
I think I did it whilst she was sorting out some stuff with the landlord, and whilst dh was carrying it some of the heavier boxes. We just all mucked in, like all the other parents appeared to be doing.
Didn't see anyone just drop and run.

Batatahara · 14/09/2023 18:13

Clefable · 14/09/2023 08:19

It does seem a bit of a thing on here for everyone to fall over themselves to declare how laid back they are as parents and how independent their DC are. In reality, I think (or hope) most people fall somewhere into the middle between overbearing and 'benign neglect'. My kids are only tiny but I will definitely want to be doing an Ikea shop with them and getting them a big cupboard shop and helping them move in, like my mum did with me, should they want that. I think that's just normal parenting stuff!

It's interesting that you see it that way - I feel like there are loads of posters on here who treat their young adult children like small children.

Perhaps we just notice different threads

Qilin · 14/09/2023 18:15

HappiDaze · 14/09/2023 16:51

I started to talk to DS about buying stuff when he goes to Uni but then realised he'll be taking his current bedding and towels which are decent and fairly new.

Realised I was being drawn into buying all this new crap when of course he / we already has / have most of the stuff at home anyway.

What happens if he comes home for the weekend? Will he need to bring his bedding home?

Wbeezer · 14/09/2023 18:23

Ha, I've just dropped DS3 off at his student halls in Glasgow. He virtually shoved us straight out the door. Wouldn't even come back down to collect the £20 we had forgotten to hand over for him to buy a takeaway! Just told us to transfer it.
He started packing this morning and only got a bit sad saying goodbye to the cat, not his poor ( literally after paying for halls) old parents.
It has been a long summer...

CarPour · 14/09/2023 18:23

Just to say as well the first few days in uni were pretty dull actually before I really knew my flatmates or started the course. Things like settting up your room, unpacking kitchen stuff are all good things to do to sort of busy yourself with and casual meet your flatmates as well as distract from suddenly being somewhere new.

As well as the first trip to tesco with your flatmates to plan the first dinner, buy your alcohol. I also took trips to town with my flatmates to buy things like cheese graters, chopping boards in the first week. All quite boring but fun when your 18 making new friends.

I found doing my first shop fun, and packing and planning what I was going to do. I wouldn't have wanted my parents to do that for me. I wanted to move out and be an independent adult, even though I loved my parents

I think at 18 you dont need parents to shop for you, or make your bed. You need probably more emotional support

ChicaneTurn · 14/09/2023 18:42

Qilin · 14/09/2023 18:01

I went to university in 1991 and it wasn't like that for me, or anyone I knew. All from a very average state school surrounded by mainly council estates. Many of the teens going were first person in the family to be off to university.

Pretty much everyone was driven by parents there. I don't know a single one who was expected to just leave on their own, and certainly not by train or bus with their stuff. No one really had their own cars so didn't know anyone who drive themselves.

Pretty much all had parents who helped them get sorted, helped them shop for the stuff they needed, supported them as much as they could emotionally and financially, if able. We didn't have a lot of spare money around but my parents took me shopping for things like bedding, towels, pots and pans, crockery, university stationary supplies, etc. They also collected me and took me back after each holiday, as did everyone I know.

I've read in MN about students of the 90s being waved off at the family home, sent by train/bus and left to fend for themselves as adults. My reality of that time is so far removed from that!

Show quote history

I went in 1990 and my experience was the same as yours.

I was independent from day one and never looked back. But knew I could go home any time.

Despite my parents dropping me off, I learned to cope alone. Astonishing!

RampantIvy · 14/09/2023 18:49

I don't know anyone amongst family and friends who view their 18 year olds, just left school, as fully formed independent adults. Just overgrown teens who need a bit of support and guidance to reach full adulthood. Adult at times, but also still like big kids at other times,

I think that pretty much describes most 18 year olds TBH. If everyone was a competent and confident adult as soon as they reached 18 mumsnet wouldn't have many threads as most of them are from mature adults asking for advice.

My independent 23 year old still asks for advice about life stuff.

ItstimeToMoveagain · 14/09/2023 19:20

Well I think they'll always ask for advice what ever age they are! I still ask my mum occasionally and I'm 45 and my 28 year old asks me occasionally as well

From some threads on here some people seem to baby their teens so I'm not surprised some need more support than others

Saying that our secondary school have just shortened the day from 3 until 2.30 and closed one of the gates and someone on fb was asking for a cm as she thought the earlier time and extra 15 mins walk after would be too much for her 13 and 14 year old dds as she didn't get home until 5.30 soooo

PhotoDad · 14/09/2023 19:21

I was given a lift to uni in 1990 when I first started. This involved a ferry as I lived in the Channel Islands. After that, it was back and forth on planes, trains, ferries by myself and using storage as required. Fair enough given the logistics.

My folks didn't help me buy anything, or get involved in the application, interview, or moving process other than that lift. When I went home for Christmas, my mum told me to stop going on about "bloody uni." (Neither of them had been.)

Don't want it to be like that for my kids!

thing47 · 14/09/2023 19:29

Oh god yes, @RampantIvy my twentysomething kids ask me and DH for advice on life admin all the time. Two of them also, shock horror, still live at home from time to time (one works abroad for half the year, making it difficult for them to rent or flat-share with friends and another is taking some time out to do some travelling). They have both lived in other parts of the country and abroad so I don't have any fears about a lack of independence but I still live in the house where they were brought up, and they still consider it home.

As for university, don't forget that most essential item – a doorstop. One of the biggest aids to building friendships of them all.

Faradalla · 14/09/2023 19:37

This has really touched a nerve with me.

I typed out a big message about how my parents did the 'benign neglect' thing but I deleted it because it sounded so bitter on my part. I remember as a teenager feeling a sense of disgust any time I had a friend whose parents were really involved in all aspects of their university life. Looking back, it wasn't disgust: it was envy.

My parents are good people who love me but they kind of trusted me to get on with it. I feel like had an emotional need to be nurtured in a child like capacity for longer than I was, and it left a wound. My mum had a mantra that I would learn from my own mistakes. It's true of course, but there was just an indifference there that I can't imagine having towards my own kids.

Teddleshon · 14/09/2023 20:07

@Faradalla I had parents like yours and I’m struck by the number of posters on this thread who echo your experience.

DisquietintheRanks · 14/09/2023 20:22

Qilin · 14/09/2023 18:15

What happens if he comes home for the weekend? Will he need to bring his bedding home?

Show quote history

One of my friends had to do this: pillow, duvet, bedding and towels. Her parents were tighter than a gnat's chuff.

Qilin · 14/09/2023 20:23

We sent Dd with a pack of various alcohol, and a mini wine fridge. Was dh's contribution to her university planning - definitely a good ice breaker for getting to know the new flatmates! 😝

ItstimeToMoveagain · 14/09/2023 20:30

I'll often send stuff to ds, bubble tea , 40 packs of the noodles he likes 🤣

I sent him and his flatmates a cheese and crackers with chutney hamper , vodka and 24 cans of lemonade and a hamper of American sweets to share at Easter

Other than a chat about unis and things to take and filling in the online stuff for his funding I've left it all to him. He has a job wfh 20 hours a week and more disposable income than I do so I didn't buy any of the stuff he needed to take with him

Spottymushroom · 14/09/2023 20:38

I did bits for mine and I’m not ashamed of it. He asked if we could make a list of what he needed for the kitchen. We went to ikea and b&m and got what he needed. I paid for it all.

When we dropped him off I made his bed and unpacked his kitchen things. He was in the city centre and wanted to do his food shop himself.

He is now in a house share. We helped him move in but I didn’t organise anything as they wanted to do it themselves.

I still do a food shop for him when he goes back. I also make freezer meals for him that he asks for.

HappiDaze · 15/09/2023 01:10

Just to be clear my DS absolutely knows how to shop for food and whatever he needs FFS. He shops for food etc all the time if wants to

Some of the comments on here are frankly quite bizarre and dare I say it slightly unhinged

He just hates shopping with me or DD because we shop shop for clothes and we mooch around so he'd rather stick needles in his eyes than do that

And for the record lots of DC come from really dysfunctional households so no they can not do some basic things etc

But our decent DC will help them through it. Show them ropes etc and in turn they'll learn a thing or 2 themselves

HappiDaze · 15/09/2023 01:16

@Qilin as to your bizarre comment

Why on earth would he need to bring it home. What kind of bizarre comment is that. He can use a washing machine and a hoover etc

No we have plenty of bedding at home thank you very much. Which I why I don't need to buy him a whole new fresh set before he goes to Uni.

If he needs or wants more at Uni he's perfectly capable of buying his own.

He also perfectly capable of finding a weekend job if need be.

HappiDaze · 15/09/2023 01:28

Plus he's nothing like DD who will want new fresh everything he'll be happy with his current bedding and fluffy towels but will want specific pans and herbs and spices to cook with and some. If he desires new bedding he can have new bedding I just know he won't give a shit

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 15/09/2023 01:46

When I went to uni, I went off on the train with £50. When I found my flat, I realised my flatmates parents had moved them in, with a healthy store cupboard, all their stuff etc. My flatmate's mum had left her with a homemade chocolate cake and a bottle of booze, which ready helped the bonding process!
I didn't even have sheets for my bed. It did make me feel unloved, and like my parents didn't care.
Dd1 therefore got moved in with all her stuff, a chocolate cake, booze and a big shop.
Dd2 went a couple of weeks ago and got the same.
Both still struggled with the initial settling in- it's hard! But at least they know they're loved at home! I think it's a daunting thing for teenagers, and if you can make it easier and take a little pressure off, and ensure they have things around them that make them feel a bit more at home, why not?

Original poster
AnneVeronica · 15/09/2023 02:14

if you can make it easier and take a little pressure off, and ensure they have things around them that make them feel a bit more at home, why not?

Cos some don't want or need it? They're not particularly daunted by moving into new accommodation, making up their bed and putting the kettle on.

OP posts:
MaybeanothertimeNotReally · 15/09/2023 02:58

KevinDeBrioche · 13/09/2023 19:15

I remember my friend came up to uni on the train with a single rucksack and didn’t even think to bring sheets or a a duvet, he slept under a towel for the entire first term 🤣

Erm why didn't your mate buy bedding when he arrived at the University city? Did the city not have any shops? I travelled to university in the coach, I couldn't bring much with me. So I bought big items like quilts etc when I arrived to save me from lugging it on the coach. I had a sleeping bag in my suitcase to tide me over the first few days.

exLtEveDallas · 15/09/2023 06:36

I've done loads with DD, at her request.

An IKEA and B&M Bargains shop last weekend.

Helped with the packing, sat with her whilst she went through her wardrobe and decided what clothes to take, and put dots on things with nail varnish that she really doesn't want others to use whilst she was doing so.

Made some suggestions about things to take and things she really doesn't need (12 pairs of converse? Really? 😂)

I've helped her with emails, a CV and looked over job applications (she's made about 15 already).

I'm taking her and all her stuff tomorrow, I'll help her unpack if she wants me to, and I'll even make her bed if she asks. Then she's booked a number of ice-breaker and campus events so I'll bugger off home.

On Sunday I'll be going back up to her with her bike, and will take her to do the 'big' shop. I'll also leave her with the "first aid kit" I've put together, that includes medicines and yes, even condoms, plus notes and photos for when she is feeling down. That's the 'mummy' side of me that wants to do something nice for her that I know will make her smile.

She is adamant we won't see her to Xmas, and that's fine (but she's obvs forgotten the IT eqpt that is being delivered here on the 29th that we will have to take up!)

Shes nervous and excited, grumpy and manic. She's been a right bloody nightmare for the last couple of weeks so I can't wait for her to go... but know I'll miss her - which I think is how it should be.