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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel DD’s Birthday tomorrow

282 replies

Bumbleumbo · 13/09/2023 09:47

DD turns 14 tomorrow and for her birthday she wanted a MacBook Air and for me to take her and 6 friends out for dinner.

I’m struggling with her ongoing defiant behaviour and this morning threatened to cancel her birthday and presents as I’ve had enough. Every single day is a battle, she lays in bed until the very last minute refusing to get up, dressed and out of the house. She’ll often claim to be getting ready, then at the very last minute announce that she needs to wash her hair and can’t possibly go to school without washing, drying and straightening. This takes over an hour. This morning I woke her at 6.30am knowing she needs a shower. I proceeded to call her every 10 minutes but each time I entered her room she screams at me to get out. It’s like this every single day and we’re constantly late, this makes DD2 late and impacts my working day.

I have always struggled with boundaries. I’ve been a shitty parent and have spoilt both children over the years. Ive created lazy entitled monsters. I suspect DD thinks I won’t follow through and the guilt I would feel not celebrating her birthday tomorrow will probably get the better of me.

I thing she might have low lying depression so maybe her behaviour doesn’t warrant punishment but help, although Ive tried to get her to speak to someone and open up but she says I’m crazy and she is absolutely fine. She just doesn’t want to do anything or go anywhere most of the time and she absolutely hates school.

In this situation would you use a birthday to enforce boundaries or is that a cruel step too far? Birthdays in this house have always been a big deal but I just can’t be bothered anymore. My DC’s don’t appreciate it and I’m tired of this relentless battle.

I’m a single mum and their dad hasn’t bothered with birthdays since he split with his GF 3 years ago. I’m just exhausted trying to do everything myself all of the time…

OP posts:
towriteyoumustlive · 13/09/2023 17:17

YABU to even consider giving a child such an extravagant gift and allowing a birthday treat when their behaviour has been so poor.

I'd return the mac book and cancel the party and instead sponsor a donkey for her gift and bake a cake and have a family party at home.

If you don't have firm boundaries and follow through with punishments then she will only get worse

Misunderstoodagain · 13/09/2023 17:20

Firm firm boundaries! Never threaten anything you can't follow through with.
I would cancel the dinner - tell her she can meet her friends at Macdonald's or something but not dinner out. I would still do the birthday cake and laptop this time but from then on you need to follow through. She'll soon learn

Soontobe60 · 13/09/2023 17:22

Bumbleumbo · 13/09/2023 10:07

I don’t usually spend so much but she needs a new laptop for school. I use them for work and mine is 6 years old and going strong. The dinner thing will be her first social outing in months. She barely left the house during the holidays, so threats of grounding, withholding pocket money etc doesn’t seem to bother her.

We live rurally, so it’s a six mile walk across fields to get to school. I took the youngest to school this morning and left DD to get ready but when I came back she still hadn’t showered. This was apparently my fault as I hadn’t given her clear instructions. She is currently up in her room and I’m about to start work.

You are making excuses now.
She certainly doesn’t need a mac book for school, regardless of how good or reliable they are. My DDs had one when they went to Uni, and they paid half towards them!!!
If she’s late for school she will get consequences there.
Just because shes not been out in months doesn’t mean she needs to have an expensive party. Id tell her to choose 2 friends and take them to a pizza / burger place - cheap and cheerful. I’d buy her a cheap laptop for school and something else’s for her birthday - maybe a bit of make up or a nice top. Again, my DDs were given a budget for birthday presents. At 14, Id say today’s equivalent would be £50.

StarDolphins · 13/09/2023 17:28

TheBarbieEffect · 13/09/2023 12:01

This has happened because you haven’t parented her. So snapping and cancelling her birthday is a dick move.

Edited

do you know what else is a dick move? Coming on just to stab the knife in when op has recognised her dd has been spoilt. Some people just like to be horrid for the sake of it. Often the ones that have not helpful advice going forward.

HelpMeGetThrough · 13/09/2023 17:29

I'd be cancelling a lot of things for her, tomorrow would be the start.

She wants clear instructions? Tomorrow morning, open her door, tell her to get her arse out of bed and be ready to get herself out the door at a specific time. She starts screaming? Tell her to shut her mouth before she starts that effort. That's a simple, clear instruction.

Time to come down hard on her.

I've said it a few times lately, the tail is wagging the dog where teenagers are concerned these days. The buggers need to learn it's not the way it is and many will need to learn the hard way.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 13/09/2023 17:55

I wouldn't cancel her bday at this point but I would start putting a few boundaries in place.

Stop engaging with her in the morning, it's up to her to get herself up and ready. If she's late the school will put her in detention.

If she's rude, you take her phone off her.

If she doesn't help around the house and be respectful, you take her phone off her.

Shouting or getting into an argument with her is pointless waste of energy, be very calm but firm.

If she kicks off, completely ignore and walk away.

On the flip side encourage her to talk to you, look at ways for you to spend time together that you both enjoy, ask her what she would like to do with you.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 13/09/2023 18:05

Let her be late to school.
She will deal with the consequences

caringcarer · 13/09/2023 18:45

I'd still take her out to dinner but she'd not be getting the Air until her behaviour improved. I'd suggest she improved behaviour before Xmas so she could have it then. It's not to wait. You are spending way too much on their birthdays. £100 is plenty.

BarbedButterfly · 13/09/2023 18:48

I wouldn't but give her natural consequences. She can't get up, well she obviously needs to be in bed much earlier. She isn't ready, go without her and tell her to make her own way. If she is late, tough.

AllMyExesWearRolexes · 13/09/2023 18:49

Cancel the birthday. She's not depressed, she's a lazy, selfish, entitled cow.
Actions have consequences, she needs to learn that.

HikingforScenery · 13/09/2023 18:52

I couldn’t read and run 💐

Josell12345 · 13/09/2023 19:02

My thoughts!

Anewnamea · 13/09/2023 19:10

GuanYinShanxi · 13/09/2023 12:53

convene a family conference, give notice of need to change & discuss what is to be done. ‘Why?’ ‘Because I am fucking sick to the back teeth of being your servant, your punch bag & hauling you through your life when you are old enough to do the simplest things, geddit?’.

@UniversalAunt you don’t think that is a bit harsh? It’s almost implying that this child is an unwanted burden on the OP. A child that is already unwanted and abandoned by her own father. I wouldn’t ever say this to any child of mine and I’m shocked that you’re advising what appears to be an emotionally abusive script for the OP to say to her child.

Edited

My mum said that kind of stuff to me and we don’t have much of a relationship now. We got the clear message that we were a burden on her. To this day I can literally recount the exact words and phrases she used.

Widower2014 · 13/09/2023 19:10

For those saying leave DD to make her own way to school and be late etc.... you are assuming DD would then go to school and not back to bed. OP would then get hassle from school as to why did is late/absent and as soon as attendance at school drops below 95%, things get awkward for OP.

Z1hun · 13/09/2023 19:21

She's learnt that when you threaten you don't follow through. That's why she's being difficult and that's why she's taking her sweet time getting ready. I'm not saying cancel the birthday but don't make the threat in the first place because at the moment she doesn't believe you will actually cancel it. Any pushiments or threat of punishment she be at the moment the incident happened otherwise its meaningless to her.

Indestructible84 · 13/09/2023 19:21

From a Mum with a 20 year who's been there and got the t-shirt, this is all apart of childhood, remember she's just a kid. My son was a pain in the arse for this but he's an amazing young man now.

Best thing I ever bought was an Alexa, yeah he had one from starting high school, I would sent the alarms, one to wake up at 7am, and set another for when he needed to leave for the school 8:05am.

Also I know this is sneaky but if you have a kitchen clock or any clocks around the house turn them back 10 mins, it works, it got him out the house earlier 😂 just make sure you watch is the correct time. X

Chanxoxoxox · 13/09/2023 19:38

I would do the party - just not the presents.
The party generally for the sake of her not getting picked on at school....presents don't matter so many kids in this world have nothing.

Chiswickgal · 13/09/2023 20:02

LifeExperience · 13/09/2023 13:17

You've spoiled her by not following through when you make threats. You made another threat, so you must follow through.

She won't die from missing a birthday party and presents. She will learn that you mean what you say. Keep meaning what you say and she will start to respect you.

At one point our daughter had nothing in her bedroom except a mattress because she kept losing privileges. She's now a healthy, loving well-adjusted medical doctor. You have to teach her that actions have consequences, and the only way to do that is to make her actions have consequences.

But cancelling a birthday dinner with friends makes the punishment public, and that’s humiliating.

randomuser2019 · 13/09/2023 20:04

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

fedupnow2 · 13/09/2023 20:05

HerMammy · 13/09/2023 09:55

Low lying depression for being a defiant cheeky shit? stop excusing her horrible behaviour and parent her.
Why does every poor behaviour had be to have a diagnosis? shes been allowed to be entitled and spoiled and now you don't like it.

This. Almost everyone has it these days as an excuse. Let her suffer the consequences. Just leave her. Let her get to school late and face the repercussions.

Chiswickgal · 13/09/2023 20:08

Canisaysomething · 13/09/2023 11:44

So you admit you've spoilt her but rather than reflecting and changing your approach, you're just going to punish her instead? Cancelling her birthday last minute would be so cruel, she'd struggle to look her friends in the eye after a humiliation like that.

Absolutely!

Helko · 13/09/2023 20:11

It strikes me she may be procrastinating and exhibiting difficult behaviour because something is happening at school (unless it's the same behaviour at the weekend too).

Have you spoken to a teacher at your DD's school? Is there any pastoral support she could access there?

fabmaccawhackythumbsaloft · 13/09/2023 20:29

Is there anyone that can help you?

My friends dd did this yesterday and she left her to go to work tho she s much younger and really shouldn't have been left alone

Friend rang me in tears from work , I said ring school and explain and I'll take her

This was the first time she tried this and I said if she wins this battle you lose the war

I went round , she was having a lovely jolly day off . I gave her 20 mins to get ready and said I'm taking you
She argued . Cried. Hid. Called me names and said she hated me .
But I stood firm , told her she has 2 choices , go with me or school come out and take her
5 mins before time was up I said ok I'll ring school they can come out (they had agreed this with mum )

She didn't believe it so I followed through , she appeared fully dressed in uniform, scowling , sulking , BUT she went to school without them having to come out

I got a text last night from her saying she loved me and would I go round d for a cuppa after school today

It's consistently, firm but fair and clear boundaries that kids respond to and make them feel safe

My friend was utterly shocked . You sound exhausted and abbé need a hand from a trusted mate or relative

UniversalAunt · 13/09/2023 20:36

@Anewnamea it’s a shame that there is such distance between you & your mother & that particularly that you still carrying that hurt. Can you find a way to reframe what was said so that that difficult time is not a burden for you now? By that I mean a form of forgiveness that sets you free of that hurt?

I am explicitly saying that you don’t just forget what was said & how you felt at the time, that somehow it didn‘t happen or that you mother has no responsibility in this matter.

You might find that some counselling or short form therapy allows you to nurture your hurt child so that you can release yourself from what happened then. You are an adult now, not the child you were then. If this interests you, your GP or local MIND may have a short list of fully accredited counsellors in your area.

perenniallymessy · 13/09/2023 20:38

I really recommend this book- Get Out of My Life: The bestselling guide to the twenty-first-century teenager amzn.eu/d/67k1Y2q

Good common sense advice on how to deal with teenagers. Clearly state the boundaries but do not engage in a fight with them.

I would do as a PP said- speak to school and advise them that if she is late you will be taking her DSis then going back for her, if she is late for school they can apply their own consequences. Don't engage in battles in the morning, just give her an update of the time (or set an alarm on her watch).