To cancel DD’s Birthday tomorrow

[Bumbleumbo]

DD turns 14 tomorrow and for her birthday she wanted a MacBook Air and for me to take her and 6 friends out for dinner.

I’m struggling with her ongoing defiant behaviour and this morning threatened to cancel her birthday and presents as I’ve had enough. Every single day is a battle, she lays in bed until the very last minute refusing to get up, dressed and out of the house. She’ll often claim to be getting ready, then at the very last minute announce that she needs to wash her hair and can’t possibly go to school without washing, drying and straightening. This takes over an hour. This morning I woke her at 6.30am knowing she needs a shower. I proceeded to call her every 10 minutes but each time I entered her room she screams at me to get out. It’s like this every single day and we’re constantly late, this makes DD2 late and impacts my working day.

I have always struggled with boundaries. I’ve been a shitty parent and have spoilt both children over the years. Ive created lazy entitled monsters. I suspect DD thinks I won’t follow through and the guilt I would feel not celebrating her birthday tomorrow will probably get the better of me.

I thing she might have low lying depression so maybe her behaviour doesn’t warrant punishment but help, although Ive tried to get her to speak to someone and open up but she says I’m crazy and she is absolutely fine. She just doesn’t want to do anything or go anywhere most of the time and she absolutely hates school.

In this situation would you use a birthday to enforce boundaries or is that a cruel step too far? Birthdays in this house have always been a big deal but I just can’t be bothered anymore. My DC’s don’t appreciate it and I’m tired of this relentless battle.

I’m a single mum and their dad hasn’t bothered with birthdays since he split with his GF 3 years ago. I’m just exhausted trying to do everything myself all of the time…

I can't believe she was still in her room at this time, when she should have been at school.

I was all for carrying on with the birthday meal but this is unacceptable. You're trying your best, it must be hard as a single parent. People should cut you some slack.

There is NO way she would be getting the MAC. You must lay down stricter rules. All kids try it on but they must know there's a barrier they do not cross- ie not listening/screaming at you.

Have a talk with her today. If she doesn't sort herself out, there should be no birthday meal. I feel awful saying that but this is not acceptable.

You say this is a throwaway comment that is direct and honest?
I am fucking sick to the back teeth of being your servant, your punch bag & hauling you through your life when you are old enough to do the simplest things, geddit?

Gosh, I’d really hate to see what you think is a harsh comment for a parent to say to an impressionable and potentially depressed child then.

If you’d said it to a poster, it would be deleted as a personal attack and we are adults who can weather abuse from random strangers on the web far better than a child can take it from their mother, who is their only present parent.

I have a 15 year old. The immediate consequence of being shouted out is removal of Wi-Fi. That tends to be very effective - only needed to do it twice.

You must insist she showers and hairwashes before or after supper as mornings are difficult

Not sure that will work with a 6 year old, though!

Shouting and kicking off by my 3 years olds resulted in removal from wherever we were or ending of what we were doing. That worked for mine.

In my experience, gentle conversations only work with very placid kids - but that’s only my experience. Perhaps it does work on more defiant Dc but it didn’t work with mine.

Gosh … sounds very much his we first started

3 years in, 2 years of school avoidance at high school, missed the first year of college, Anxiety, Depression, Panic Attacks & rage. CAMHS have now diagnosed with ASD, poss ADHD (still being assessed), and anxiety. She has started on meds, has a Consultant Psychiatrist, and a therapist - has just started back at college this term (so far so good)

It’s been 3 tough years, and had involved me having to change the way I parent - sometimes “taking away their electrical” and shouting, just doesn’t work - and what then ?

No young person wants to feel like your daughter is feeling, there is something underlying it, and you need to find out more about that.

Doing what you have always done, has got you to this position, so do something different. I’ve been there, and it’s horrible …

She needs help with time management. My DD is a lazy sod. She also has Autism which causes time blindness. I also cannot just because I am always running late. I think you need to sit down and look at the reasons why this is happening. Every behaviour has an explanation if you ask. I always check with DD when she needs to next wash her hair. I give her time frames I expect her to be ready for (I build in time buffers to ensure she doesn't miss these because she will) and then take it from there. I wouldn't cancel her birthday at all but I would explain the consequences going forward is she will need to be late and I'd also get in contact with the school to see it there was support that can be put in place for her. Kids are sent to test you. How you react is your choice. On days I know I am short with my temper I talk it through with her and tell her in advance 'if I snap I don't mean to' we have built mutual respect. This might work for you as well? x

Do you also pick her up from school? If so, I think the natural consequence for her getting up late, and subsequently making you all late in the mornings would be something like "as I started work late, because you didn't get up in time for me to drop you to school and get back for work, I will be working late, and you need to find your own way home after school". One day of walking 6 miles through fields home, and I bet she won't get up late again the following day. A simple consequence you can actually follow up on immediately, will challenge her behaviour and make her change things for the better.

I would have the birthday dinner but not giver her the present

Make the birthday a line in the sand. The birthday goes ahead as planned (because you shouldn't have threatened it anyway and it involves other people). But from that point on, with the older age comes more responsibility.
What do school do about her regular lateness? In our school, they would start with detentions then escalate up the punishments. Have a meeting with the school and ask if they can refer for any assistance.
Take DD to the GP and get blood tests done (to rule out anaemia and any other issues) and to investigate depression/anxiety, etc.
You're getting too emotionally involved - as you know shouting and crying doesn't work. You need to walk away. In the morning, tell her what time you are leaving, then sit in the car and leave when you say you will. Either she finishes getting dressed in the car or she makes her own way to school. Help her to work out a timetable - if she needs two hours to get a shower and do her hair - then get her to set her alarm two hours earlier than she currently does. Reward good behaviour.
Read 'Get out of my life but first take me and Alex into town'. It made a big difference to how I approached our teens.

I think the consequence should always be relevant and proportionate. I.E. not getting up - you get yourself to school. Spend too long getting ready, remove straighteners. Up too late at night - remove phone. Rudeness - no phone rest of week. I do think cancelling her birthday event could be too much, after letting it go so long. Start by with-holding the MacBook until her behaviour improves. If she makes an effort give it back and be really appreciative, maybe take her out somewhere she likes the two of you.

@Bumbleumbo how much time do you spend with your dd? Do you get time to just chill and relax together, does she get the time and space with you to talk about any issues?

You can’t jump straight to cancelling her birthday when you’ve instilled no boundaries previously. She will never, ever forgive you.

You can however:

Confiscate the hairdryer and straighteners every night at say 9pm. They won’t be returned until the following evening. If she needs to use them, she uses them in the evening. Explain this calmly in advance.

Enforce this further by making sure that there isn’t enough hot water in the morning for her to start washing her hair. She needs to get into the routine of doing it the night before.

Take her phone at the same time. Make sure she’s not scrolling all night and therefore not getting enough sleep.

Set a strict time for leaving the house in the morning. If she’s not ready, you leave. If she won’t walk then you tell school that she’s refusing to attend today. You don’t phone in sick for her.

If she screams at you to leave her bedroom in the morning you don’t just meekly leave. You March in, open the curtains, turn on the lights, blast some music etc. You do not follow her screaming demands.

‘You say this is a throwaway comment that is direct and honest?’

The comment made was that I was harsh, my response to that was that it was direct & honest.

It is OK for people to say that they are fed up to the back teeth with a situation or someone’s behaviour, treated as a servant,a punchbag & hauling through to do the simplest thing etc. Granted the expletive may be lacking in grace, but one of the joys of spoken English is how expressive a expletive can be.

You did ask ‘Gosh, I’d really hate to see what you think is a harsh comment for a parent to say to an impressionable and potentially depressed child then.’ I say that interpreting or inferring that a parental absence means that the child is unwanted or unloved is harsh & to say that to a child veers towards abusive irrespective of the child’s emotional or mental health.

But as we all know what is on MN, stays on MN.
Thoughtful comments & throwaway comments are each no more than that.

@UniversalAunt were incredibly close. Worked together for a while. We speak daily, see each other a few times a week, all of us holiday together every day (and some with just myself and my aunt!) and she has been a rock through hard times, as well as my mum!

I'm with @ExtraOnions - you need to find out what's underlying this. Please don't heap further misery on her and drive more of a wedge between you by ruining her birthday. Try to get to the bottom of how she's really feeling and look for solutions together. It might be as simple as showers at bedtime and a cup of tea taken up to her in the morning, or making sure she's not on her phone late at night, but there might be something more serious going on that's making her anxious about going to school. Talk to her, or find another trusted adult she'll talk to, before you go in all guns blazing.

'I'm cancelling my entitled daughter's birthday over rudeness - she's a monster' (msn.com)

tabloids got hold of it .....

This - though not getting to school on time would be big issue for us but I've spent an entire childhood making sure that was very clear but the school with have sanctions themselves for lateness.

I personally wouldn't cancel the dinner with friends - as I think that would escalate and prolong the entire situation more - ( which I often think about teen advice in this section of MN) and upset 6 other teens and their families.

Personally often found a quite excuse me - or how dare you talk to me like that pulls my teen DC up - but they've had a lifetime of that from me - ie this is one chance to re-think but I have removed devices for bad behavior in past for a limited time period.

@Bumbleumbo

It's her birthday tomorrow, perfect opportunity for a new leaf.

Don't cancel her birthday. I mean, I think you're absolutely crazy to get her the most expensive laptop on the market but not my business. I wouldn't be taking her and 6 friends out, maybe 2 at the most.

Maybe spend tonight putting together a Family Agreement. Don't do it while you're angry, you'll put stuff on there that isn't attainable. But dress it up as a 'you're 14 now, that means more independence. That also means more responsibility'. Sit down and have a heart to heart with her at the weekend and you both sign against the Family Agreement. Get your youngest into it as well.

I would also suggest that as part of this, you relinquish the responsibility of getting her up and away in the mornings. My husband does this for our kids and it drives him potty. When he's away earlier than them, I don't. Because they're big enough and ugly enough to sort themselves out!

I'd also recommend some calming podcast type things, just so you can kind of learn to detach from some things. I also shout sometimes - and I hate it - but it is rare. Now my boys are 14, 14 and 11, I try very very hard to not sweat the small stuff. For example, I'll ask for washing once in the evening - if school stuff doesn't make it down here, then too bad, you'll have to either wear dirty clothes or put a wash on yourself. In general they're not too affronted because they know they've been asked!

Good luck. This age isn't easy, I was absolutely FOUL at 14/15, which is why I'm trying so hard with my own!

Don't cancel her birthday, that's awful. She likely would never be able to forget that.

However, from the following day, you need to start parenting her the way you mean to go on.

She’s just being a teenager.

Celebrate her birthday. YABU to cancel it.

BUT - next time she delays and delays getting up etc just leave without her. Why should you and her sister be made late because of her? Let her learn that her actions have immediate consequences.

If the only way to school other than with you is ….6 miles across fields…. perhaps doing that once or twice might sort her out?
I would not be giving her an expensive laptop let alone a meal out. She needs to buck her ideas up before you end up with someone who dictates your life for many years to come!

You said yourself that you don't manage boundaries. Do it, or don't. You'll reap the consequences either way.