To cancel DD’s Birthday tomorrow

[Bumbleumbo]

DD turns 14 tomorrow and for her birthday she wanted a MacBook Air and for me to take her and 6 friends out for dinner.

I’m struggling with her ongoing defiant behaviour and this morning threatened to cancel her birthday and presents as I’ve had enough. Every single day is a battle, she lays in bed until the very last minute refusing to get up, dressed and out of the house. She’ll often claim to be getting ready, then at the very last minute announce that she needs to wash her hair and can’t possibly go to school without washing, drying and straightening. This takes over an hour. This morning I woke her at 6.30am knowing she needs a shower. I proceeded to call her every 10 minutes but each time I entered her room she screams at me to get out. It’s like this every single day and we’re constantly late, this makes DD2 late and impacts my working day.

I have always struggled with boundaries. I’ve been a shitty parent and have spoilt both children over the years. Ive created lazy entitled monsters. I suspect DD thinks I won’t follow through and the guilt I would feel not celebrating her birthday tomorrow will probably get the better of me.

I thing she might have low lying depression so maybe her behaviour doesn’t warrant punishment but help, although Ive tried to get her to speak to someone and open up but she says I’m crazy and she is absolutely fine. She just doesn’t want to do anything or go anywhere most of the time and she absolutely hates school.

In this situation would you use a birthday to enforce boundaries or is that a cruel step too far? Birthdays in this house have always been a big deal but I just can’t be bothered anymore. My DC’s don’t appreciate it and I’m tired of this relentless battle.

I’m a single mum and their dad hasn’t bothered with birthdays since he split with his GF 3 years ago. I’m just exhausted trying to do everything myself all of the time…

No

I hope you didn't :( there are other ways

You said her dad doesn't brother with presents or birthdays since he split with his girlfriend 3 years ago is his contact consistent with them or it's all over the place has her behaviour spiralled since dad split from his girlfriend, speaking from a child who's dad would sometimes send gifts but normal forget one of me or my sister's birthdays which was very hurtful and not really be bothered about us or visiting it really does effect people my sister thought the world of my dad he would always forget her birthday one year she asked him to buy her a daddy's girl necklace from Argos and instead sent her the money to get it herself she was 11 needless to say she has mental health issues and emotional borderline personality disorder with delusions and the her psychiatrist has said they believe alot of my sister's trauma was from abandonment issues due to our dad which is so sad, and no I'm not making excuses but being a child with a dad that's was flaky and absent and watching my sister's pain there maybe underlined issues my sister became defiant as a teen also

Only do this if you want to destroy your relationship with her and cause irreparable damage.

It might be a bit late to cancel birthday with no waRning. From now on, give calm, clear instructions with clear expectations and what will happen if she doesn't follow through, then DO WHAT YOU SAID WILL HAPPEN. for example, one evening, tell her you can't deal with the horrible start to the day your shouting gives everyone, so from tomorrow, you will wake her up at the time she thinks will work according to the time you want to leave, you will give her 3 reminders 10 minutes apart to get up and ready, you will tell her with a 5 minute waRning that you and the little one are getting in the car, and then you are driving off. You will not be shouting or waiting because you do not want to get everyone upset about it and you cannot be late. If she is not ready and in The car,DO NOT WAIT. she has to understand that you mean it. She might not care about school, but you can use the instruction and consequences for anything. Don't spring it on her unexpectedly (like by losing it and then taking something away/giving consequences without warning/or by bringing up a behaviour from the past).it works for anything!...... I would like you to put your plate in the dishwasher, please. If you choose to leave it out, it makes more work for me, so I will not be able to iron your shirt/make your lunch or whatever
AND FOLLOW THROUGH , or you will live in this parenting mess forever.

Hey, as a mum of a demand avoidance child ( severe end but also asd and sensory processing). It does sound she may be on the scale of PDA (pathological demandance avoidance). But also teens do tend to motivate slower.
I'm not saying this is the case, however I had to change my whole parenting style and how I worded things which at the beginning made me abit mad as I was brought up in a total different childhood where you did as you was told ect.
Before others say I'm pandering to their needs, anxiety based pda is literally where the child cannot simply cope with a demand. But if you change it or word it like ' wouldn't it be nice to get fresh and ready before we go out so we look fab' rather than 'get in the shower'
Or ' let's try and beat our time getting ready to see who can win' I do know teens are a different kind of level, and my eldest is lazy as heck, gentle encouragement or trickery works in my house. As no family is the same x

Should probably add my house is a neurodiverse house so things aren't like others may do. Punishments never work here, just a good talk and if way over the boundary, Internet gets switched off

Get her a gift voucher for max £50. No more huge cost items. She doesn’t need this expensive computer. Point out that if she gets no skills she won’t get a job or get into university. Her choice. Talk to the school and explain the situation. Get on with dd2’s schedule and your work commitments. Get rid of the hair straighteners and any time consuming make up until school attendance is on time and full day every weekday.

Investigate what lies beneath. She has plenty of friends but is there an element at school causing conflict, making her not want to go? Is she afraid of something?

Use the broken record technique - tell her I will be leaving at xx sharp tomorrow. Set your alarm for xx. If you are not ready we're leaving without you.

Call her once in the morning and remind her. If she's not ready, leave.

Maybe have it in writing, print it out and put it on the fridge, write it on a wall calendar.

When she rages at you, go back to the broken record, I told you clearly. You can't make us late.

Obviously hormones are raging for her - but how old are you, OP? If you're around 40 you may be in peri menopause which can cause an astonishing array of symptoms including crying. I remember it well.

Unfortunately children learn behaviour and coping mechanisms from what they observe and she's learning hers from you. Your younger child's taking it all in, too.

You may both benefit from a doctor's appointment - she may have something like depression, PMT, ADHD to deal with and there may be help for both.

Your dd is not socialising, hates school and your answer is to cancel the only event for months she will partake in. This is a really bad idea imo.

You’ve got a bunch of parents here telling you to cancel and I get it’s tempting. In your situation, I absolutely wouldn’t and you may well regret this if you do. People forget how embarrassing it is to be 15 and how harsh other kids can be. She could be severely bullied off the back of it, lose all her friends. This event is literally the only thing for her to look forward to as she hates school and has stopped socialising.

Your dd is obviously going through some difficult stuff and doesn’t feel heard. That’s not a criticism of you btw. It just is part of life for kids that age. My dd is 15 and I’ve been through it too. At 15, she may well be old enough to decide her own consequences for poor behaviour. If you ask her what they should be, it may surprise you and she may be really hard on herself.

As for her birthday, please don’t cancel. Just tell her you realise you cannot cancel her birthday because of poor behaviour but that things will be changing. And I agree with pushing to get her assessed. She’s not coping. All behaviour is communication and she’s communicating things aren’t going well.

I think I would sit her down and treat her like a mini adult. You are deeply concerned, you love her. You can see she’s not happy, you’re not getting on, she’s not looking after herself. You wonder if there is anything going on. You’re here for her etc. You have a younger child, odds in she’s comparing herself unfavourably to them. See if you can sort this out as a team.

My year 11, 15 yo dd is really organised in some areas (eg doing her homework, pretty tidy) and hopeless in others (planning and being ready on time). It’s hard to balance these things. Some Mumsnetters have super intelligent and mature kids, who organise their lives incredibly well at 15. Most are bumbling along, doing their best and slowly learning life skills.

I hope when she missed school due to not getting up on time all devices were removed from whilst she was at home for the day and you didn’t make excuses with the school as to why she wasn’t in.

I would do the friends treat as it’s all arranged and embarrassing for all to cancel but withhold the laptop until the situation is resolved and just give her any small gifts you’ve bought her.

Hoping you and your DD have a good day today, OP. Whatever you decided to do. Parenting is bloody hard work!

Very frustrating - and very familiar to me with both of my daughters. Mornings have always been terrible, and as in your case it effected my mornings, too.

But, I would not question all of your parenting because of this. Everybody has strengths and weaknesses, so it's important to put that into a bigger context. Is she acting like this across the board, or is it just a morning issue?

Many teenagers, especially girls, physically have trouble getting up in the morning, because their circadian rhythms don't match and hormonal changes add to that. I had massive problems at the time myself, it felt like I'm almost unconscious in the mornings. Once my alarm was ringing until the student from next door stormed into my room yelling "where is your #@£$% alarm clock?" - after having listened to the ringing for 1 hour!

Party plus Macbook at age only 15 looks like a massive present to me, though. I would not take that away as punishment, but is that in line with what her friends get?

In the longer run, 15 is an age to get to school yourself, definitively, unless there is no bus whatsoever. Even if going by bus takes longer, it's worth insisting they do: they have to learn independence and it will make your life easier. Just get it across with compassion rather than as punishment.

Good luck!

No. I think that cancelling her birthday at this stage would (a) be excessive (especially as by this stage it would involve humiliating her with her friends, not just cancelling a treat); (b) make her feel that she's got nothing further to lose, so that she might as well do as she pleases.

I would just bow out of taking the responsibility for getting her up in the mornings. At 14, she's old enough to take the responsibility herself, and to take the consequences if she gets into trouble at school for being late. Perhaps remove the straighteners, but otherwise cease to make this a battleground between yourself and herself.

She'll use this back on you for the next 40 years if you cancel her birthday. I'd take her for the dinner but maybe say her laptop will be hers when she behaves more responsibly.

A MacBook Air as a birthday present?!?!?! That's insane for anyone let alone a child. Bloody hell!

I just can’t get over A Thousand British pounds spent on her birthday. JFC

Definitely cancel. She needs to learn that there are consequences REAL LIFE consequences to her actions. Kids who aren't taught consequences by their parents, turn into feckless parents themselves.

Well she should've thought of that before behaving the way she did! Consequences!

I thought it was just my Jamaican-raised self still stuck on the Macbook Air for a disrespectful child but I'm glad to see others are there too!

I work in tech and I don't have a Macbook Air! 😂

I know. At 14 we got a homemade cake for tea, books and maybe a jumper or Elton John record.

I wouldn't cancel her birthday. Give her the gift and have the meal out. Yes she's acting like an entitled brat, but you do want to preserve the relationship.

But I'd have a conversation with her where you can be quite open and vulnerable with her about your concerns. Try to bring her on side and get her to give you ideas for how to go forward. Tell her that you spoke without thinking about cancelling her birthday. But now you want to think with her to fix your problems. Let her know the situation cannot continue. Make her take some responsibility for solving this. Tell her whatever your boundaries are and ask if she needs help from you to meet them eg "I will be leaving the house with your sister at 8am. If you're not ready, I'll leave without you. Do you have any thoughts on how I could help you be ready to leave in the morning?"

You need to change this going forward. It's going to be hell. But don't back down. And try not to threaten a punishment which you won't enforce again

OP what did you decide to do?

I cancelled my son’s birthday at the same age when he called me a fing b*. I cried myself to sleep, but I did it!

He never spoke to me like that again! He’s adorable and will be 26 next week; independent and successful living in London!!

it will be hard for you both, but if you do it, be very calm and kind and explain that you are no longer going to put up with poor behaviour- you might also have to explain what that is?

You are entitled to have boundaries and she will benefit from you setting them! Xx

But tbf, I don’t know when you were 14 but back then for me at least mobiles and computers weren’t there to use like now. I had a phone in my room, a cd player with lots of cd’s, a camera and when developed the film half of the photos were crap but you still had to pay for them, a calculator, paper and pens to write letters and pay for stamps, magazine subscriptions, went to the cinema, rented vhh videos, had a map and telephone catalogue..I am sure there is more!

Now, all you need is a mobile phone or a computer. It’s great. I don’t think it is fair to compare our own upbringings to teenagers now.