To cancel DD’s Birthday tomorrow

[Bumbleumbo]

DD turns 14 tomorrow and for her birthday she wanted a MacBook Air and for me to take her and 6 friends out for dinner.

I’m struggling with her ongoing defiant behaviour and this morning threatened to cancel her birthday and presents as I’ve had enough. Every single day is a battle, she lays in bed until the very last minute refusing to get up, dressed and out of the house. She’ll often claim to be getting ready, then at the very last minute announce that she needs to wash her hair and can’t possibly go to school without washing, drying and straightening. This takes over an hour. This morning I woke her at 6.30am knowing she needs a shower. I proceeded to call her every 10 minutes but each time I entered her room she screams at me to get out. It’s like this every single day and we’re constantly late, this makes DD2 late and impacts my working day.

I have always struggled with boundaries. I’ve been a shitty parent and have spoilt both children over the years. Ive created lazy entitled monsters. I suspect DD thinks I won’t follow through and the guilt I would feel not celebrating her birthday tomorrow will probably get the better of me.

I thing she might have low lying depression so maybe her behaviour doesn’t warrant punishment but help, although Ive tried to get her to speak to someone and open up but she says I’m crazy and she is absolutely fine. She just doesn’t want to do anything or go anywhere most of the time and she absolutely hates school.

In this situation would you use a birthday to enforce boundaries or is that a cruel step too far? Birthdays in this house have always been a big deal but I just can’t be bothered anymore. My DC’s don’t appreciate it and I’m tired of this relentless battle.

I’m a single mum and their dad hasn’t bothered with birthdays since he split with his GF 3 years ago. I’m just exhausted trying to do everything myself all of the time…

I don't know what I would do about they Birthday to be honest, however I do think @SanFranciscoCalling has absolutely nailed it with this...

And stop waiting for her, tell her what time you are leaving in the morning and then go. Let school punish her for lateness.

She does it because she can, there is no recourse for her, so in the morning, shout a couple of times 'remember we have to leave at x time' and if she's not ready she's not ready, she makes her own way to school, see how many more times she does it after that. You need to address the behavior at the time, rather than, you make us late for school so I am going to cancel your birthday - you need to handle it as soon as it arises.

Keep going OP - teenagers are tough 💐

OP the birthday is not the main issue here, is it?

It's your own wellbeing, and your relationship with your DD.

What support have you got? It's a lot to deal with all on your own. Have you family, friends who you can speak to?

I’d use the birthday as a new starting point. DD you’re 14 now, only another few years until you can drive a car, leave home, join the Army etc… so we’ll start practicing now. I will wake you once at x time. I will deliver one reminder x minutes later. That will be my only involvement. Your breakfast, school lunch will be ready downstairs for you.

Then leave her to it. A few detentions for lateness and she’ll soon learn.

Yep I’d cancel and set some clear boundaries going forward. I also wouldn’t for getting her a very expensive present until she can learn some respect. The fact that she screams at you it totally unacceptable. I’ve got 4, 2 are adults, one 16 and one 17 and none of them have ever raised their voice at me. People make far too many excuses for shitty teenage behaviour, there’s absolutely no excuse for it. I’m one of 6 and we never treated our parents with anything but respect and in turn they treated us with respect.

'I have always struggled with boundaries. I’ve been a shitty parent and have spoilt both children over the years. Ive created lazy entitled monsters.'

Self awareness and reflection is good, but give yourself and your kids a break here. Your DD really doesn't sound like a 'monster'. She's a teenager!

I thing she might have low lying depression so maybe her behaviour doesn’t warrant punishment but help, although Ive tried to get her to speak to someone and open up but she says I’m crazy and she is absolutely fine. She just doesn’t want to do anything or go anywhere most of the time and she absolutely hates school. '

That last sentence does suggest to me that if nothing else, she maybe has stuff on her mind that she wants and needs to talk about. Active listening is your friend, here.

If I was in your shoes I would ask your DD if you and she could have a birthday 'date' together - dinner, or a walk somewhere, preferably involving a drive. The aim is to just hang out, no pressure. And let her know - by example - that she can talk without judgement.

I find a lot of the advice on here really good:

https://www.ahaparenting.com/guide/early-teen

I agree with not cancelling her birthday as that dropped pebble will ripple through the pond & may come back badly.

It is a rotten shame that her father has drifted off at a time when she needs him so much, she may feel very hurt & disappointed BUT this is not for you make good on by spoiling her character & setting unrealistic expectations by giving her too much stuff & overindulging soggy boundaries.

Some good advice above & I concur with offering her a reasoned choice: either a big ticket item suitable for a 14yo up to £50-ish OR treat meal out with 4 or 6 friends. Not both, she is old enough to make a choice.
IMO £25 is plenty for a present for a voucher/gift from Auntie ( Mum gives more) & I’d pay £100 for treat meal so that is 4 good friends. Again Mum may stretch to swankier menu or an extra friend but there is a limit.

More pertinent is @Bumbleumbo that you are done with juggling all the parental responsibilities since their father left. You are not a rubbish parent, you have done your best in the three years since the shock of becoming a one parent family. You too have been hurt & disappointed by their father.

So now the time has come to make the changes you need as you will no longer carry the burden of doing everything for your family - convene a family conference, give notice of need to change & discuss what is to be done. ‘Why?’ ‘Because I am fucking sick to the back teeth of being your servant, your punch bag & hauling you through your life when you are old enough to do the simplest things, geddit?’. Take it from there.

That means a timetable of chores, learning practical skills to prepare for adult life, being civil & getting out of bed to get to school/Saturday job on time.

As others have suggested an alarm clock would be a good ‘extra’ birthday present. A bit of retro chic https://www.argos.co.uk/product/9470954?clickSR=slp:term:alarm%20clock:9:53:1

I feel this OP, have a DD who turns 14 next week and the moods around school and life, are intense to say the least. Teenage years can be absolute hell and I wouldn't be choosing her birthday as the time to start a crackdown personally, as in my experience going in hard has not helped at all. She needs clear calm boundaries for the morning and we use phone /electronic use to help enforce this. My DD is virtually estranged from her dad and his shitty not caring behaviour had had a huge impact on her, could it be the same for your DD? Plus you may have made parenting mistakes OP, but you are there everyday for her, don't forget that

convene a family conference, give notice of need to change & discuss what is to be done. ‘Why?’ ‘Because I am fucking sick to the back teeth of being your servant, your punch bag & hauling you through your life when you are old enough to do the simplest things, geddit?’.

@UniversalAunt you don’t think that is a bit harsh? It’s almost implying that this child is an unwanted burden on the OP. A child that is already unwanted and abandoned by her own father. I wouldn’t ever say this to any child of mine and I’m shocked that you’re advising what appears to be an emotionally abusive script for the OP to say to her child.

Low lying depression 🙄, she sounds like a lazy entitled brat. She needs to know you will follow through on your threats. The next few years at school are important, there's no room for laziness or excuses. I'd cancel the lot, if her behaviour improves over the next month or so I'd reconsider allowing her to have her present and party then. Don't be a pushover and give over with the having to diagnose something!

If you cancel it, you'll be absolutely out of order.

But then you already know that.

mhm...

Are you using extravagant gifts as a substitute for time, focus and interest in your dd? Because if you are, they know it and it won't make them happy at all.

14 year olds are frustrating, immensely so and it's hard.

But such an extravagant and expensive gift, yes you are creating spoilt children and we all know that they are usually not happy because learning boundaries, genuine interest and time time spent together makes them happy.

I suggest you go ahead with the party but do not give the MacBook. Keep that for yourself and give dd your old one.

Then slowly bit by bit you start giving consequences.

The not getting read needs some unpicking. Why is this happening? Does she feel so much pressure to look polished at school? Does she struggle with body image? Is there someone she likes and want to impress or is she being bullied? Have a conversation because being late must be embarrassing for her.

Boundaries yes, consequences yes but also love and understanding. Ditch the consumerism though!

I wouldn’t cancel, particularly as her friends will probably instantly decide you are the bad guy.

After the birthday have a written list of expectations/rules and enforceable consequences. Some good advice in the thread of a phone curfew if she does not get up.

Her behaviour sounds awful, but just an alternative view.

My DD showed quite challenging behaviour at a similar age. Withdrew from family, spent a lot of time in her room, couldn't wake her in the morning - constantly tried to use her phone into the small hours even though we had a strict no devices after 9pm policy.

It turned out she had experienced an extremely traumatic attack and we didn't know anything about it. What we were seeing was PTSD, the late nights were because she was too scared to sleep because of the nightmares.

Hopefully this won't be the case for your DD, but often at that age anxiety and depression can manifest itself in quite undesirable ways. You say she didn't go out much over the summer - is she being bullied? Does she have anxiety?

Nooo don't cancel her birthday celebrations, that's so sad, and will be remembered long after you care about her being on time for school.

Sounds like the laptop is not just a treat but needed for schoolwork, so withholding it will have other effects.

She's a teenager, it's not good behaviour, but she / you are not alone or unique with these kinds of struggles.

You are better off talking to her, rebuilding communications, and being clear about your boundaries going forward.

A birthday dinner and a macbook air? I used to get £25 on my birthday growing up, wow. She obviously doesn't know how lucky she is.

I don't know about the dinner. I'd want to cancel the dinner for showing me a lack of respect. I would expect huge backlash because she'll use every trick in the book to get you to change your mind. In reality, I'm too soft and I'd probably let her 'earn' it back if she can get out the house and to school on time tomorrow.

But I would bring in a new rule: You wash, dry and straighten your hair at night from now on. Every Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday. Those days, no negotiation. (Or whatever days work best). If it's not done, that's your own fault. The hot water gets turned off. Those evenings are the evenings it gets done, end of. The shower is a ten-minute job and she can sit and watch Netflix while she does her hair after dinner/before bed. So it's not exactly a punishment.

I would permit running the straighteners over any kinky bits before school from where she's slept on it, but only if done say, 20 mins before you're due to leave. No last minute straightening.

If she misses the deadline, I think I'd take the fuse out the fuse box and get in the car/go to school without her. That way she can't even sit watch tv/go on the wifi either while you're gone.

Shocked?

Harsh? Nope, just direct & honest. OP is looking for change in practical matters, there is no doubt that she loves her children & wants the best for them, but the dynamics in the family group are strained. OP is becoming weary & disaffected with her kids as teens are generally hard work & the set up is just not functioning. Time for things to change.

@GuanYinShanxi perish the thought that anyone would use my throwaway comment as a ‘script’ but it is not abusive to make clear to teens that their parents have their own life, go through difficult experiences & hard feelings however that point is made appropriate to the family style of communication. OP’s DD is not unwanted or unloved by her father, he has absented himself. DD may feel hurt (of course an understatement).

The purpose of a family meeting is to make change for everyone’s benefit, & build upon consensus. Some ‘action planning’ for a home schedule is a useful start in life skills for teens.

Not so long ago, people left school at 14yo to go to work/into apprenticeships, had turn up on time, get on with the job & grow into adult responsibilities.

Don’t threaten something that you’re not going to do. Leave her to sort herself out in the mornings, she’s old enough.

Hugs OP, it's so bloody hard. I would say that now she's a bit older it's good to shift from imposing on her to a more collaborative process. Can you sit her down and explain the issue to her "We need to leave at xx time and it's not happening. What do we need to change to make sure you're ready on time?"

If you shift to the mentality of "what support do you need to get this done" then there's less for her to push against than "you need to do this or I will punish you".

I would also stop all the waking her up and nagging at her too, she needs to start taking responsibility to get herself to school on time. In three years she could well be out of the house and you won't be able to nag her out of bed, so this is really the time for her to learn how to manage these things herself.

You've spoiled her by not following through when you make threats. You made another threat, so you must follow through.

She won't die from missing a birthday party and presents. She will learn that you mean what you say. Keep meaning what you say and she will start to respect you.

At one point our daughter had nothing in her bedroom except a mattress because she kept losing privileges. She's now a healthy, loving well-adjusted medical doctor. You have to teach her that actions have consequences, and the only way to do that is to make her actions have consequences.

Maybe seek some family counselling to try to reset things - you are struggling to parent difficult behaviour alone.
But things need to change - maybe scale down the birthday plans but not cancel altogether - certainly wouldn't be buying that sort of 'laptop'.
Good luck!

OP I am you. Could have written that word for word.

I cancelled DS's 13th birthday recently. I still can't believe I was brave enough to do it and follow through! I am a mug and usually get walked over.

I am so glad I did it, although I can't say it's changed his behaviour since recently. But I'm hoping it's shown him that I do mean what I say.

I think a MacBook Air is a massive present for a 14 year old! Definitely something my parents would never have got me. I would’ve instead been told to save up for it on my own and my parents would maybe have contributed.

I think I’d hold the presents back until she behaves but still go ahead with the meal.

But eventually it will trigger Ed welfare involvement.

Don't cancel her birthday and don't make threats. She will just feel resentful and victimised. You want her to take responsibility herself, not do stuff because of a punishment.

If she hates school why is that? Can something be done about it?
Decide what the main couple of behavioural issues are and ask her what she proposes to do about them. You can make a list together and agree what she will do, she can ask you to help if need be. Then let her get on with it.

If consequences are needed, they should be proportionate and relevant to the problem and helpful rather than punitive - for example, late for school = earlier bed time, earlier phone curfew. Too much time spent on hair = only allowed straighteners after school not in morning.

And always model the behaviour you want - be polite and respectful (most of the time - obviously sometimes you will lose your rag and that is ok as long as it's not too often).

I remember as a teenager absolutely hating the constant reminders to get out of bed. Every time I was reminded I would shout at my parents and stay in bed longer to feel like it was my decision. What I needed was to be given the responsibility to decide for myself when to get up. There is nothing more annoying than being micromanaged!

I don't see birthdays as a reward for being good. I don't monitor my kids the week before to decide if they deserve a birthday so no, I wouldn't cancel it. Esp as you're accepting some responsibility for how they've turned out.

What I would do is the following day stay right, your 15. I'm not babying you anymore. I will call you once when I get up and I'll give you a 10 minutes warning when I leave. If you're not with me, you can explain to school. Currently you're both putting drama into the mornings
Stop it. If she's late, she gets real life consequences. Tell her you're sorry to hear she was late this morning, and you'll be sure to call her twice tomorrow morning - when you get up and 10 minutes before you leave.