Page 9 | AIBU for regretting being a stepparent...

mnuser2021 · 2023-09-12T20:50:30+00:00

Hear me out. I adore my stepchild - he is very mature for his age (can have the best conversations with him), well-mannered, and probably the most caring child I have ever encountered. Seriously.He only remembers a life with me in it and practically sees me as his mum. I do everything daily-life related; ofc OH helps when he can but stepchild generally prefers to do daily "boring" stuff with me. He lives with us almost full-time (2 weekends a month spent with biological mum), and I was prepared for this coming into this relationship. This was never a problem for me, I'm happy to help and he's such a good kid. However... Ever since OH and I had our own, the love I have for each of them is very different. Do I care about my stepchild? Absolutely, and very deeply so. I genuinely love watching him grow and feel proud of his accomplishments. However, it doesn't compare to the love I have for my own. And I must admit, I thoroughly enjoy and look forward to the weekends he's not here when I'm just with my "real" family (for the lack of a better word). I now wish my partner didn't have a child as taking care of and managing both of their schedules tires me out and, for this reason, I couldn't imagine having a third, which makes me sad - that I don't want a second "because of" stepchild, i.e. I will only have 1 biological, which I never imagined. It makes me very sad thinking I'll have two children I don't hold the same emotional love for, and I wish I'd be pouring all my efforts into two I truly loved equally (gosh, sounds so cold written out like this... I hope you'll understand where I'm coming from). Luckily, the two of them (siblings) are unbelievably close! It's utterly heartwarming. But even in their most intimate moments, I catch myself wishing I'd be experiencing it with two biological kids.I don't want this to come across heartless - hell, I've been the stepchild myself my whole life, and I LOVE my stepmum! Which makes me even more committed to never treating them differently. But admittedly, I feel very differently about them in my heart even though they're both amazing kids (I guess it's a "you never love anyone like your own" thing), and god... I have many moments I feel I've robbed myself of the family dynamic I now crave (which I never knew I wanted until I had my own) and it genuinely makes me sad and regretful in hindsight.AIBU? Can anyone relate?

orival · 17/09/2023 22:12

Ilmecourtsurleharicot · 17/09/2023 22:07

I’m a stepchild and saddened by the number of ‘its only natural’ comments. In good parenting scenarios whoever is bringing up the children is supposed to centre the children’s needs. This seems completely adult-centred, by contrast.

Step children have none of the adults’ autonomy or emotional maturity, they have to live with the trauma of parental loss or separation. Depending on the circumstances of the separation they might not have had great parenting to start with either. Then the child is expected to deal with that loss/trauma and to love the parent and stepparent as a new parental unit, which may be very complex for them to do. And yet apparently it’s ‘natural’ that this vulnerable child will never be fully accepted or unconditionally loved by at least one of those parental unit adults. Eh?

Just to add nuance to this very valid comment - I am a stepchild who has a very close bond with my stepparent and take no offense to these type of comments whatsoever. I understand and would expect that the majority may feel more connected to their biological child, but that's not to say you can't feel a more meaningful connection with your non-biological child, which happened in my case.

Tandora · 17/09/2023 22:14

Ilmecourtsurleharicot · 17/09/2023 22:07

I’m a stepchild and saddened by the number of ‘its only natural’ comments. In good parenting scenarios whoever is bringing up the children is supposed to centre the children’s needs. This seems completely adult-centred, by contrast.

Step children have none of the adults’ autonomy or emotional maturity, they have to live with the trauma of parental loss or separation. Depending on the circumstances of the separation they might not have had great parenting to start with either. Then the child is expected to deal with that loss/trauma and to love the parent and stepparent as a new parental unit, which may be very complex for them to do. And yet apparently it’s ‘natural’ that this vulnerable child will never be fully accepted or unconditionally loved by at least one of those parental unit adults. Eh?

Thank you for this sense talking. The received orthodoxy on mumsnet about step parenting is totally adult-(specifically step-mum) centred. When anyone raises the feelings, needs, experiences of the step child , the response is: “they need to learn to accept their reality”.

Backagain23 · 17/09/2023 22:15

CoParents · 17/09/2023 21:52

Given how sacred you espouse your mother/ child bond with your children to be, could you imagine being happy to see your kids EOW?

I personally would question whether it is good for a child to be living 86% of their time in a household where the primary caregiver wishes them gone, or (as you put it) sees them as less equal or second best to their sibling.

However, it sounds like OP does everything she can not to show how she feels, and she can’t do much about her feelings as they are what they are, so I’m not sure what the solution might be,

Anyways I can clearly see that we shan’t agree.

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Are you suggesting that an NRP who see their child EOW doesn't love them, or isn't a real parent? That's even odder than insisting that anyone who is residing with the child must love them like their own.
The child is loved, why can't that just be celebrated for what it is rather than turned into a stick to beat OP with?

orival · 17/09/2023 22:29

Tandora · 17/09/2023 22:14

Thank you for this sense talking. The received orthodoxy on mumsnet about step parenting is totally adult-(specifically step-mum) centred. When anyone raises the feelings, needs, experiences of the step child , the response is: “they need to learn to accept their reality”.

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Stepchild here. And this is winding me up.First of all, didn't catch the general consensus being “they need to learn to accept their reality”. OP asked if she's being unreasonable for feeling a deeper connection towards her biological child. You are suggesting she is.Are you suggesting we deny science?Parents, and mums particularly, do hold a unique biological attachment to their own biological children due to genetic and evolutionary factors... It's factual. It's an attachment that's referred to as 'kin selection' (look it up but it's basically believed to have evolved to promote the survival and well-being of one's own genetic offspring).In my opinion, it's not adult-centred but science-centred.No one is saying you can't build strong attachments or bonds with your stepchildren. OF COURSE attachment and feelings toward DC, whether biological or not, can vary widely among individuals. It is completely influenced by a combination of factors. And you may absolutely be able to love all DC equally; but the opposite is not scientifically unusual.Saying it's NOT natural is simply not true.

Tandora · 17/09/2023 22:38

orival · 17/09/2023 22:29

Stepchild here. And this is winding me up.First of all, didn't catch the general consensus being “they need to learn to accept their reality”. OP asked if she's being unreasonable for feeling a deeper connection towards her biological child. You are suggesting she is.Are you suggesting we deny science?Parents, and mums particularly, do hold a unique biological attachment to their own biological children due to genetic and evolutionary factors... It's factual. It's an attachment that's referred to as 'kin selection' (look it up but it's basically believed to have evolved to promote the survival and well-being of one's own genetic offspring).In my opinion, it's not adult-centred but science-centred.No one is saying you can't build strong attachments or bonds with your stepchildren. OF COURSE attachment and feelings toward DC, whether biological or not, can vary widely among individuals. It is completely influenced by a combination of factors. And you may absolutely be able to love all DC equally; but the opposite is not scientifically unusual.Saying it's NOT natural is simply not true.

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First of all, didn't catch the general consensus being “they need to learn to accept their reality”

I can’t count the number of times this has been said directly to me in debates.

And there’s honestly no need to project a load of nonsense on to me that I haven’t said. Of course biology plays a role in attachment. As to a range of other factors as you yourself state here. No one is in disagreement there.

whatjusthappenedd · 17/09/2023 22:45

orival · 17/09/2023 22:29

Stepchild here. And this is winding me up.First of all, didn't catch the general consensus being “they need to learn to accept their reality”. OP asked if she's being unreasonable for feeling a deeper connection towards her biological child. You are suggesting she is.Are you suggesting we deny science?Parents, and mums particularly, do hold a unique biological attachment to their own biological children due to genetic and evolutionary factors... It's factual. It's an attachment that's referred to as 'kin selection' (look it up but it's basically believed to have evolved to promote the survival and well-being of one's own genetic offspring).In my opinion, it's not adult-centred but science-centred.No one is saying you can't build strong attachments or bonds with your stepchildren. OF COURSE attachment and feelings toward DC, whether biological or not, can vary widely among individuals. It is completely influenced by a combination of factors. And you may absolutely be able to love all DC equally; but the opposite is not scientifically unusual.Saying it's NOT natural is simply not true.

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Yesssss. This this this. YES. And now you're being told you're "projecting nonsense" when you're literally directly responding and explaining the science behind why it IS indeed natural and doesn't mean you're NOT child-centred. Enough said girl.

CoParents · 17/09/2023 22:48

Backagain23 · 17/09/2023 22:15

Are you suggesting that an NRP who see their child EOW doesn't love them, or isn't a real parent? That's even odder than insisting that anyone who is residing with the child must love them like their own.
The child is loved, why can't that just be celebrated for what it is rather than turned into a stick to beat OP with?

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Are you suggesting that an NRP who see their child EOW doesn't love them, or isn't a real parent

I would never presume to say another parent doesn’t love their child. The vast, vast majority of parents love their children. I don’t know what you mean by “real parent”.

I think only seeing your child every other weekend generally has a significant impact on the parenting relationship, certainly from the perspective of the child.

I note you didn’t answer my question- would you personally as the mother you are, be happy to see your children only 14% of the time?

Of course, we don’t know from the OP what the situation is here, so there may be all kinds of context to this that would explain a lot more. However, I think it’s reasonable to feel a little concerned that a child is spending 86% of their time with a primary caregiver who ultimately wishes them gone and is unable to offer them the same kind of unconditional love available to their sibling.

im not trying to beat the OP with a stick! It sounds like she’s doing her very best. But I also think it’s understandable that some people have reacted the way they have.

Letsgocamping67 · 17/09/2023 22:50

You might do well to remember that this inconvenient child was first in your “important job husbands” life and has a greater claim to care than you and your offspring. Jeez how entitled you sound.

whatjusthappenedd · 17/09/2023 22:53

CoParents · 17/09/2023 22:48

Are you suggesting that an NRP who see their child EOW doesn't love them, or isn't a real parent

I would never presume to say another parent doesn’t love their child. The vast, vast majority of parents love their children. I don’t know what you mean by “real parent”.

I think only seeing your child every other weekend generally has a significant impact on the parenting relationship, certainly from the perspective of the child.

I note you didn’t answer my question- would you personally as the mother you are, be happy to see your children only 14% of the time?

Of course, we don’t know from the OP what the situation is here, so there may be all kinds of context to this that would explain a lot more. However, I think it’s reasonable to feel a little concerned that a child is spending 86% of their time with a primary caregiver who ultimately wishes them gone and is unable to offer them the same kind of unconditional love available to their sibling.

im not trying to beat the OP with a stick! It sounds like she’s doing her very best. But I also think it’s understandable that some people have reacted the way they have.

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However, I think it’s reasonable to feel a little concerned that a child is spending 86% of their time with a primary caregiver who ultimately wishes them gone and is unable to offer them the same kind of unconditional love available to their sibling**Have you read all of OP's posts? Genuinely asking. Certainly does not seem like she wants him gone and that there is indeed a loving and deep connection.

Tandora · 17/09/2023 22:57

whatjusthappenedd · 17/09/2023 22:53

However, I think it’s reasonable to feel a little concerned that a child is spending 86% of their time with a primary caregiver who ultimately wishes them gone and is unable to offer them the same kind of unconditional love available to their sibling**Have you read all of OP's posts? Genuinely asking. Certainly does not seem like she wants him gone and that there is indeed a loving and deep connection.

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Certainly does not seem like she wants him gone

And I must admit, I thoroughly enjoy and look forward to the weekends he's not here when I'm just with my "real" family (for the lack of a better word). I now wish my partner didn't have a child

whatjusthappenedd · 17/09/2023 23:03

Tandora · 17/09/2023 22:57

Certainly does not seem like she wants him gone

And I must admit, I thoroughly enjoy and look forward to the weekends he's not here when I'm just with my "real" family (for the lack of a better word). I now wish my partner didn't have a child

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If you read her most recent post, she addresses her unjust feelings and acknowledges their special bond. You are reaching in my opinion.

okaybutyousnapped · 17/09/2023 23:08

orival · 17/09/2023 22:29

Stepchild here. And this is winding me up.First of all, didn't catch the general consensus being “they need to learn to accept their reality”. OP asked if she's being unreasonable for feeling a deeper connection towards her biological child. You are suggesting she is.Are you suggesting we deny science?Parents, and mums particularly, do hold a unique biological attachment to their own biological children due to genetic and evolutionary factors... It's factual. It's an attachment that's referred to as 'kin selection' (look it up but it's basically believed to have evolved to promote the survival and well-being of one's own genetic offspring).In my opinion, it's not adult-centred but science-centred.No one is saying you can't build strong attachments or bonds with your stepchildren. OF COURSE attachment and feelings toward DC, whether biological or not, can vary widely among individuals. It is completely influenced by a combination of factors. And you may absolutely be able to love all DC equally; but the opposite is not scientifically unusual.Saying it's NOT natural is simply not true.

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Anything else does not need to be said. Period, end of story. @orival, you nailed it. OP, keep showing up for SS with nothing but the same love and support you show DS, and he will be absolutely fine.