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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for regretting being a stepparent...

212 replies

mnuser2021 · 12/09/2023 21:50

Hear me out. I adore my stepchild - he is very mature for his age (can have the best conversations with him), well-mannered, and probably the most caring child I have ever encountered. Seriously.He only remembers a life with me in it and practically sees me as his mum. I do everything daily-life related; ofc OH helps when he can but stepchild generally prefers to do daily "boring" stuff with me. He lives with us almost full-time (2 weekends a month spent with biological mum), and I was prepared for this coming into this relationship. This was never a problem for me, I'm happy to help and he's such a good kid. However... Ever since OH and I had our own, the love I have for each of them is very different. Do I care about my stepchild? Absolutely, and very deeply so. I genuinely love watching him grow and feel proud of his accomplishments. However, it doesn't compare to the love I have for my own. And I must admit, I thoroughly enjoy and look forward to the weekends he's not here when I'm just with my "real" family (for the lack of a better word). I now wish my partner didn't have a child as taking care of and managing both of their schedules tires me out and, for this reason, I couldn't imagine having a third, which makes me sad - that I don't want a second "because of" stepchild, i.e. I will only have 1 biological, which I never imagined. It makes me very sad thinking I'll have two children I don't hold the same emotional love for, and I wish I'd be pouring all my efforts into two I truly loved equally (gosh, sounds so cold written out like this... I hope you'll understand where I'm coming from). Luckily, the two of them (siblings) are unbelievably close! It's utterly heartwarming. But even in their most intimate moments, I catch myself wishing I'd be experiencing it with two biological kids.I don't want this to come across heartless - hell, I've been the stepchild myself my whole life, and I LOVE my stepmum! Which makes me even more committed to never treating them differently. But admittedly, I feel very differently about them in my heart even though they're both amazing kids (I guess it's a "you never love anyone like your own" thing), and god... I have many moments I feel I've robbed myself of the family dynamic I now crave (which I never knew I wanted until I had my own) and it genuinely makes me sad and regretful in hindsight.AIBU? Can anyone relate?

OP posts:
User98866 · 13/09/2023 06:36

Ultimately I think this is why blended families very rarely work and it’s not really anyone’s fault. Very few people will feel the same about a child who’s theirs and a child who isn’t. Parents often delude themselves everyone is fine. Talk to the children once they are adults. I’ve seen it time and time again.

Twiglets1 · 13/09/2023 06:38

Seeing as your husband gained primary custody of this child, surely he was capable of looking after him when the relationship with his mother broke down? Why did he become uncapable of doing so once he had a new woman in his life?

Your main problem seems to be that you have become this child's primary carer and that's not a role you are particularly enjoying. I think your husband needs to take back more responsibility for doing the day to day boring things for his first chid rather than expecting you to do nearly everything. You are harbouring some secret resentment towards the child (while trying not to) but really, it's his father who is at fault here.

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 13/09/2023 06:40

How are people meant to know before the fact, Iknow people who started relationships with people with kids with the best intentions and only years later things started to change, mostly when they had their own kids.

Because it’s really obvious?

Loads of people rule out parents of under 18s from their dating pool for this reason.

grumpycow1 · 13/09/2023 06:41

This does make me a bit sad to read as a stepchild on both sides also. But what I take from this is not blame on you, but that your partner needs to step up and parent his children. He is taking you for a mug!! Particularly with you do doing it all for the child who is not biologically yours. If you want another child you absolutely should and your partner should pull his finger out of his arse.

edited to add. I think your resentment is coming out towards the stepchild but in my opinion it should instead be directed to your partner who has put a lot on you.

grumpycow1 · 13/09/2023 06:42

Twiglets1 · 13/09/2023 06:38

Seeing as your husband gained primary custody of this child, surely he was capable of looking after him when the relationship with his mother broke down? Why did he become uncapable of doing so once he had a new woman in his life?

Your main problem seems to be that you have become this child's primary carer and that's not a role you are particularly enjoying. I think your husband needs to take back more responsibility for doing the day to day boring things for his first chid rather than expecting you to do nearly everything. You are harbouring some secret resentment towards the child (while trying not to) but really, it's his father who is at fault here.

Put much better than my comment! This ☝️

grumpycow1 · 13/09/2023 06:45

Even if stepchild ‘prefers’ to do boring stuff with you - he needs to be gently redirected to his dad - you are busy with XYZ. And your partner could absolutely manage his schedule etc.

PurpleFlower1983 · 13/09/2023 06:46

YANBU and this is why I would have never entertained a relationship with a man who already had a child.

DisforDarkChocolate · 13/09/2023 06:50

I think you are amazing @mnuser2021

Your stepson is lucky to have you, he feels safe and secure with you. He obviously thinks of your baby as a sibling not a half-sibling. These are such good things.

I wonder if time will make this easier for you? In another years time you will have had another year of watching them together, in another 5 years there will have been time when your baby has tested your patience, when he's a teen there could well be days you love him but don't like him.

90% of parenting is showing up and your doing that in spades.

DisforDarkChocolate · 13/09/2023 06:51

I think you are amazing @mnuser2021

Your stepson is lucky to have you, he feels safe and secure with you. He obviously thinks of your baby as a sibling not a half-sibling. These are such good things.

I wonder if time will make this easier for you? In another years time you will have had another year of watching them together, in another 5 years there will have been time when your baby has tested your patience, when he's a teen there could well be days you love him but don't like him.

90% of parenting is showing up and your doing that in spades.

HairyKitty · 13/09/2023 06:51

@mnuser2021 you may have more time but he needs to make more effort. If you were ill, away or separated who would look after his children then? It certainly isn’t your job to fully parent your partners child whilst he just doesn’t.
I wonder if you’d feel better all round (not just in terms of having more children) if he pulled his weight.
Perhaps the question to ask is, do you feel like the effort/work of running your home including earning, childcare and routine stuff is equitably shared?

ShoesoftheWorld · 13/09/2023 06:58

What I see here is a hypothetical, ideal (in your mind) situation - a non-blended, two-child nuclear family - disrupting and putting at risk the imperfect, but very real situation you have. There is a child here and now who desperately needs love and care and not to feel 'less than'. A lesser person than you, OP, would already be indulging their resentment. You're self-aware enough to be reflecting on this. Keep reflecting - perhaps with some therapy - and keep focusing on both your children's needs (I put it like that deliberately). Conception and birth is really the least part of mothering.

In terms of your dh leaving stuff to you, I suspect the dynamic might be no different had you the non-blended family - that is something you need to sort out with him, but don't mix the two issues.

And you may feel able to have another one day. Is your second child very young? (I couldn't help noticing you talked about a 'third' child and then a little later a 'second'. Your use of 'third' suggests there is more of a bond there than perhaps you sometimes think).

flapjackfairy · 13/09/2023 07:00

I haven't had time to read all replies but if your child is still v little then I think the maternal love is at its most intense and overwhelming then. You might find that as they grow up a bit your feelings will level out

It is a bit like the falling in love with your partner stage which is so overwhelming but then settles into.strong but more settled feelings. So time may resolve this issue .
Secondly it is absolutely possible to love non biological children like children you gave birth to yourself just as much. How do you think.adoptors feel about their kids ? I have a mix of birth , adopted and foster children and honestly I love them all with the same passion so my advice is give it time .

Thelonelygiraffe · 13/09/2023 07:02

Time40 · 12/09/2023 22:13

If you're tired out dealing with most of the work of looking after your stepchild, I think that shows your OH isn't doing enough to care for his own child. It's just wonderful how these men get women to look after their children for them.

Edited

This.

I'd talk to your DH about how HE can do a better job of looking after HIS own dc.

Justdontforgethelegofrog · 13/09/2023 07:04

This is a hard read as a stepchild.
Unfortunately children pick up on things and we just know, we feel the exhales when we get into the car, we pick up on the excited energy when you drive us home, we hear the hushed arguments about who and who doesn't 'have' to have us on which weekend and why.
It's just not ideal for us either.

FloweryWowery · 13/09/2023 07:08

Your step child isn't being parented by either of his parents. This isn't okay. I appreciate your partner has a big important man job (don't they all) but this means you're the default parent. It seems like the parents are 'winning' in this situation and the needs of you and your step-child are being disregarded.

CharlieBoo · 13/09/2023 07:08

I know you can’t help how you feel but I feel so sorry for that little boy.

His father has abandoned the parenting to you and he has limited access to his mum.. for whatever reason, so it’s you, him and your baby for the majority of the time. Try and imagine your own child in this scenario.

This is why I never want my children involved in a blended family, it can be so damaging.

Vijia · 13/09/2023 07:14

Really shocking that without you in the picture your DC would be neglected as he prioritises work over his need to make an adjustment as a committed dad.

When we knew I was pregnant my DH ditched the long commute and trips abroad for a job that would be compatible with being a loving and commited father and our 5 DC have been very blessed as a result.

Sure we had to ditch the materialistic rewards of a high salary and live within our means but the strong family bond and loving and caring "nest" we have created together is well worth having a hands on dad.

Our DC are all older now so we both work full time and I would say an excellent, hands on father makes the job of being a good mother to multiple DC much easier. It also makes the whole bringing up a family fun and rewarding.

Before a man commits to having a DC I think it's important to have the discussion about what adjustments he is prepared to make to that child/ children and of he isn't interested then walk away because all DC need good fathers, many DC are terribly short changed by this through no fault of their own..

Seashellies · 13/09/2023 07:18

I think it's perfectly natural to have a different sort of love for your own biological child to be honest! The issue seems to be more around your DH prioritising his work and maybe not giving the support his child needs? Sounds like you're a caring and great step-mum who DSC clearly enjoys spending time around etc, but whilst some of what you feel is natural some would be alleviated if you had more help?

Marian220 · 13/09/2023 07:19

as they get along so well, it’s nice that your biological child has this special sibling relationship. The step child is ‘step’ to you, but they are your child’s ‘real’ sibling, half or otherwise, who will be in their life forever. They also have the opportunity to spend so much time growing together in the same household which other half siblings may not.
that’s another way of looking at it from outside the impact on you. It doesn’t come across like it’s detrimental to your biological child so maybe when you feel regretful you could try to also see it as a gift in their life?

NotAMug · 13/09/2023 07:22

Wouldyouguess · 13/09/2023 06:03

How do you know how they feel?
Many people would not/do not admit anything like that to a friend or family, because of stigma and people like you judging. Step parents I know don't talk about it, but some act very differently and if you read this very board, many step parents seem to admit they do not care about a step child as much as their own, unless they do it to showw off from their high moral horse.

Show quote history

Because they talk about it, it hasn't been an easy ride, i never said it was. Some people do confide in people so please don't pretend to know anything about me or them. I just said it was sad for the child. I was only commenting on resident step parents there. I know many others who do EOW etc or certainly don't feel that way as they have confided in me, perhaps they feel comfortable to do do as I wouldn't jump to conclusions or judge them, unlike you jumping at me over my post.

Luckily the OP has read my posts properly and commented in response understanding what I was saying.

IAmNoLady · 13/09/2023 07:26

Op I agree with other posters who say your DH needs to step up.

I am an adoptive mum and I have sympathy with you. My adopted child is my world and whilst I use the word adopted in this post for clarity, he is my own.

Your role in providing daily care is similar to mine. But, if you and DH split, what would happen? I don't imagine you would be able to insist on any contact arrangements. So, whilst I can see my child as my own, how can you?

The other thing, I would like to say, is that my love for my child has changed over time. As a baby and toddler, although I didn't give birth to my child, my hormones were raging and there was such an intensity there. It is primal and instinctual. Now he is a pre teen it us a different sort of love

So, maybe the two different feelings toward the children is almost an inbuilt biological response. I don't know.

But DH needs to step up. Also, has circumstances changed for DH's EX, which means in a gradual and thoughtful way, keeping your stepchild's interests central, she can have more contact. That might be worth considering.

MattDamon · 13/09/2023 07:27

Ontheperiphery79 · 13/09/2023 05:33

@Umjellu do you refer to twice a month Dads as 'biological' or 'birth' fathers?

My thoughts exactly. Of course they wouldn't.

NotAMug · 13/09/2023 07:32

Moveoverdarlin · 12/09/2023 23:24

Every step-mother I have ever known (those that have gone on to have their own families) feel exactly the same. Two close friends feel similar and both openly said they wish they didn’t have step-kids and dread it when they visit, despite loving relationships with them.

But this is quite different, in the OPs case the child lives with her. Completely different scenario here.

I know one who dreaded the kids visiting, but the others didn't. The strange thing is, that only one family I know has the dad as resident parent with a step mum and they didn't have their own children, the others are all step dads and most have joint DC also, so perhaps this is why they are able to love the DC as their own because in most cases (of the people I know) they are not doing the lions share of the child rearing.

Epidote · 13/09/2023 07:32

Agree with most of PP. It is not your bio child but at other effects is your child and the child feel it that way.

Is hard to have to littles around.

Obviously your bio little is a priority, as it was your stepchild when he was younger, and you wish to had more time to expend with.

You are a good mum, step or not step in the prefix. That doesn't matter.

I think a good way is now there are two of them involved your husband more in the childcare of both to avoid you to get burnt out.

If he works a lot outside even if is just some mental load of planning that will help you and the family dynamics.

Don't feel bad for felling this way and work on those feelings, don't let them grow and make you resent or grudge.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 13/09/2023 07:36

That poor child.