AIBU for regretting being a stepparent...

[mnuser2021]

Hear me out. I adore my stepchild - he is very mature for his age (can have the best conversations with him), well-mannered, and probably the most caring child I have ever encountered. Seriously.He only remembers a life with me in it and practically sees me as his mum. I do everything daily-life related; ofc OH helps when he can but stepchild generally prefers to do daily "boring" stuff with me. He lives with us almost full-time (2 weekends a month spent with biological mum), and I was prepared for this coming into this relationship. This was never a problem for me, I'm happy to help and he's such a good kid. However... Ever since OH and I had our own, the love I have for each of them is very different. Do I care about my stepchild? Absolutely, and very deeply so. I genuinely love watching him grow and feel proud of his accomplishments. However, it doesn't compare to the love I have for my own. And I must admit, I thoroughly enjoy and look forward to the weekends he's not here when I'm just with my "real" family (for the lack of a better word). I now wish my partner didn't have a child as taking care of and managing both of their schedules tires me out and, for this reason, I couldn't imagine having a third, which makes me sad - that I don't want a second "because of" stepchild, i.e. I will only have 1 biological, which I never imagined. It makes me very sad thinking I'll have two children I don't hold the same emotional love for, and I wish I'd be pouring all my efforts into two I truly loved equally (gosh, sounds so cold written out like this... I hope you'll understand where I'm coming from). Luckily, the two of them (siblings) are unbelievably close! It's utterly heartwarming. But even in their most intimate moments, I catch myself wishing I'd be experiencing it with two biological kids.I don't want this to come across heartless - hell, I've been the stepchild myself my whole life, and I LOVE my stepmum! Which makes me even more committed to never treating them differently. But admittedly, I feel very differently about them in my heart even though they're both amazing kids (I guess it's a "you never love anyone like your own" thing), and god... I have many moments I feel I've robbed myself of the family dynamic I now crave (which I never knew I wanted until I had my own) and it genuinely makes me sad and regretful in hindsight.AIBU? Can anyone relate?

Im with you!!! You’re not on your own.

i have a child with my partner who has 4 kids but only sees 2. His eldest and youngest(ours) and that is that.

before I was pregnant and during I adored our time as a 3 it was easier it was great I didn’t care how much we had him which at that time it was every Saturday apart from like 1/6 off. Etc

fast forward had our baby I love the weekends without him more than the ones with because of the whole thing and I wish I’d found a man without kids to have my first child with. The child is a great child but I just feel the way that I do. I like putting my child to bed at night and chilling with my partner and that doesn’t happen when the oldest is there. It’s totally different. My partner sleeps in a single bed with his child when they are with us so he don’t even come to bed with me.

You are not in the minority, @NotAMug, I can see half the votes say I am being unreasonable. It is truly sad, I agree with you, mostly for SS, although I'd never ever let the inner imbalance show as I know the damage feeling 'unwanted' can cause. It is not that I only want biological children per se, I actually just wish I felt the same towards both. It's really sad whichever way you put it, I can only agree with you really. I wish I could change how I felt.

I had 2 small dc when I met my now dh. We had long, long discussions about having a child of 'us' but the risk of being in your position ultimately made us decide against. dh loves my dc (and they him) but he worried about feeling differently about a child of his own.

I don't have any step kids and have never been one, but km not surprised to hear how you feel. I feel that surely it's pretty normal, and don't worry I can tell from you're tone that you're genuine and wish you didn't feel this way!

I thought I really loved my nieces and nephews. And nothing has changed about the way I feel about them, but since having my own son it's highlighted to me how the way I feel about them is absolutely worlds apart in comparison.

I'd hope that as your kid grown up and continues to have this lovely bond with their bigger sibling you'll gradually notice the difference less? And our may find yourself feeling differently about the 3rd as the bigger 2 kids get older too

I fully empathise. Rest assured, I make it my life mission to treat them both completely equal, even give him extra reassurance as he's had to adjust to a baby coming into the picture.This post is simply my raw feelings, things I don't ever air to others, not even my closest friends or family. And like I've said; can only fully concur with everyone saying it's sad. It really is.

I think a lot of factors could be playing into this. The age of both children for a start. A highly dependent two year old is inherently easier to love than a prickly 13 year old. Gender? If your birth child is a girl, maybe? Personality- birth child reminds you of yourself, or is charming and engaging, whereas SC is solemn and distant. It's not necessarily true that you will always feel the same, either. How long since you gave birth?

My two are adopted. No relation to each other. Child 1 meant I was a parent at long last. A baby who was sunny and outgoing. Love was easy. Second was a toddler and arrived after child 1 had been with us nearly 6 years. Withdrawn and clingy. I felt like a life raft, not a person who was loved. It was hard to love back. Plus there were tantrums to contend with, many fears and anxieties. (Naturally due to early trauma). There wasn't the same knowledge of those key firsts - words, steps etc that we had with the eldest. Plus our lives were turned upside down by the need to adapt everything for a toddler again.

They're both grown now, total opposites in almost every way. But I love them both with all my heart.

I can understand what you have written.

The real issue is why you are allowing your partner to contribute so little?

I would not be happy with that at all.

Sounds like you have been used by him and his ex for years.

I would be very resentful of that too.

Your OH ‘helps’ when he can? 🙄

I love it when dsd isn't here, but then I love it when my dd isn't here - they are adults but live with us full time only seeing other parents occasionally and rarely overnight, this wasn't the plan when I moved in with dp, they were both elsewhere happy but adult kids seem to boomerang, and both have other parents who aren't interested so we have them ... I only met dsd as an adult so of course it is different but I treat her equally and as I say I openly admit I look forward to both leaving because they want to and are ready no other reason

I don’t think people are voting fairly at all. You’re asking AIBU for feeling this way, however, I feel as if people are voting as if it’d be reasonable for you to act on it.

Why are we acting like we could truly, deeply love someone else’s child (technically speaking) more than one we birthed? Biologically speaking, I’m not sure we’re programmed that way. I’m not at all saying it’s fair to treat children differently, nor that we can’t love stepchildren. But OP I think you’re completely reasonable for feeling what you’re feeling.

You sound lovely OP, your posts really come across with the conflict you are clearly feeling. If you were an awful person you wouldn't be feeling this way. I'm not really sure there is an answer to this other than perhaps more support with day to day stuff if your DH isn't doing enough to help you.

Thank you everyone for your input. For those wondering about my OH, don't worry, he really is very involved (and admittedly, a lot more fun than me!), he just has a very, very demanding job at the moment, for great reasons though, and he always steps in as soon as he can. In moments like that, I'd have to step in with our biological child and so naturally will do the same for SS, hence why I do most daily stuff; I simply have more time to do so.

I think it's only natural that you love your child more. I'm guessing that your biological child is still quite young, toddler or less.
These strong emotions and analysis of how you are feeling about your family and everything are normal in the adjustment phase. Even thoughts such as wishing he weren't there are normal and most probably untrue. A bit like holding a baby and thinking what would happen if I went mad and just let him go.

Tell yourself you were unrealistic to ever think that the love could be the same as that of a new mum. Reassure yourself that you have been a good step mum to him up till now and there's no reason why you can't continue to do your best. Remind yourself that this is your biological child's brother and therefore one of the 3 most important people in his/her life.

Have a second baby if you and your partner both want one. Don't put not having one on your stepson, it's your decision.
Don't worry about finding things difficult for a few years, it's a tough time but it gets easier.

Every step-mother I have ever known (those that have gone on to have their own families) feel exactly the same. Two close friends feel similar and both openly said they wish they didn’t have step-kids and dread it when they visit, despite loving relationships with them.

The mother child bond is instinctual so why beat yourself up?

Have another child or you will regret it for the rest of your life and resent your sc forever.

DC play with each other, why do you think it will be extra work if the work is dream come true?

No way would I burden my sC with the reason I didn't have another own child.

You could end up in a bad place psychologically if you are making a negative decision internally giving the stepchild the blame

Keeping things buried have a knack of surfacing when you let expect it so please think twice about your single birth child decision.

I don't think it's fair on you emotionally even if it's the right decision practically.

Life is never perfect. I think you should go ahead and have your much wanted second biological child- otherwise if you don’t, you could build a resentment to your stepchild when it is far from his fault.

This is so hard to read ? Why do you think you feel that way ?
we has a similar set up, my own DC and DSC who lives with us full time. My DP lost his life recently and I am in the process ok fighting tooth and nail for DSC to remain in my care because he will always be equal to my own and I can’t imagine a day where they are not in my home. I think you need to try and work out the reasoning.

It sounds totally normal how you feel and it's really important you allow those feelings so it's good you posted here.

However it sounds like it's clouding your everyday enjoyment of life so I would seek counselling or other support to help you acknowledge how you feel without so much resentment, and it feels like it could lead to scapegoating SS.

Resentment is based on envy - you're envious perhaps of families who only have bio children / a theoretical version of yourself only with bio children. So I wonder if actively practising gratitude for what you do have rather than focusing on what you don't have might be a good place to start?

very hard work

@glassorangerie ”Remind yourself that this is your biological child's brother and therefore one of the 3 most important people in his/her life.” What a powerful sentence, thank you!

@babbscrabbs The part about scapegoating SC and envy… VERY enlightening.

To everyone, so much food for thought, thank you.

^ sorry, so random without context!! Forgot to add I’m in a VERY similar situation. this thread is helping me immensely.

Also in a similar situation and am finding the comments very helpful and not judgemental as you’d think based on the votes.

It’s very hard to be a stepparent.

Completely agree, those comments stood out to me as well @nursingmum2023. Definitely food for thought, I’m really happy I made this post even though it’s very hard to confront a lot of the feelings associated with it.

Oh helps when he can-why is he helping you raise his child and nto doing it himself

You can’t help your feelings OP. And it sounds like you’re doing everything you can to make sure your DSS feels as completely wanted and loved as possible.

I do think he sounds like your H needs to step up a lot more though.