AIBU for regretting being a stepparent...

[mnuser2021]

Hear me out. I adore my stepchild - he is very mature for his age (can have the best conversations with him), well-mannered, and probably the most caring child I have ever encountered. Seriously.He only remembers a life with me in it and practically sees me as his mum. I do everything daily-life related; ofc OH helps when he can but stepchild generally prefers to do daily "boring" stuff with me. He lives with us almost full-time (2 weekends a month spent with biological mum), and I was prepared for this coming into this relationship. This was never a problem for me, I'm happy to help and he's such a good kid. However... Ever since OH and I had our own, the love I have for each of them is very different. Do I care about my stepchild? Absolutely, and very deeply so. I genuinely love watching him grow and feel proud of his accomplishments. However, it doesn't compare to the love I have for my own. And I must admit, I thoroughly enjoy and look forward to the weekends he's not here when I'm just with my "real" family (for the lack of a better word). I now wish my partner didn't have a child as taking care of and managing both of their schedules tires me out and, for this reason, I couldn't imagine having a third, which makes me sad - that I don't want a second "because of" stepchild, i.e. I will only have 1 biological, which I never imagined. It makes me very sad thinking I'll have two children I don't hold the same emotional love for, and I wish I'd be pouring all my efforts into two I truly loved equally (gosh, sounds so cold written out like this... I hope you'll understand where I'm coming from). Luckily, the two of them (siblings) are unbelievably close! It's utterly heartwarming. But even in their most intimate moments, I catch myself wishing I'd be experiencing it with two biological kids.I don't want this to come across heartless - hell, I've been the stepchild myself my whole life, and I LOVE my stepmum! Which makes me even more committed to never treating them differently. But admittedly, I feel very differently about them in my heart even though they're both amazing kids (I guess it's a "you never love anyone like your own" thing), and god... I have many moments I feel I've robbed myself of the family dynamic I now crave (which I never knew I wanted until I had my own) and it genuinely makes me sad and regretful in hindsight.AIBU? Can anyone relate?

This is absolutely not my experience.

OP - I think it’s genuinely okay to love your child more than your step child. I love my stepchildren like I love my friends, not “as much” as I love my nieces and nephews, so there’s biology here and that’s just the way it is.

I think you need to cut yourself some slack. You aren’t failing by loving your child differently. There’s a weird myth that step parents need to love step kids as their own, but they aren’t their own! It’s such a bizarre expectation.

You sound like a lovely stepmum and venting about the nuances of this weird role doesn’t make you less lovely.

But you do need to separate allocating blame on that child for your decision to have more kids. That’s misplaced. The logistical set up of your life making a third child challenging isn’t your stepson’s fault.

I agree with this very much

OP l think you sound like such a lovely mum and step mum. I could not disagree more with all the "poor child" type comments.
You obviously care for your DSC very much, do alot with and for them, and value their relationship with your own child. This is all good!
The only place you are going wrong is expecting too much of yourself. It's not unreasonable not to love a step child as your own. You'd be the only person in the scenario pretending to be equal to the childs own mother. Ridiculous.
You need to focus on what your relationship is , rather than what it is not and can never be.
And your DH needs to get more involved with both his kids.

The utter bollocks is to asume that every person with children is a bad match to any person with none.

Op, I think what you feel is perfectly natural.
My mum always said to me way before I had my dcs, nobody will ever love your dcs as much as you do. That is true.
People can bleat on about how it’s not true, but actions speak louder than words and in the vast majority of cases it is true.
People need to stop and think much harder about who they have a child with. They also need to think very hard about taking on someone else’s child. Then stop and really, really think about bringing another child of their own into the mix.
I can’t speak from experience (luckily) but I cannot tell you how many people I have come across over the years with truly horrendous takes about what life was like for them having to be kart if a blended family. Yes there will be those who speak of roses and fairytales but the vast majority have had it bad ( from what people have told me).

This! That stepson is not a “poor child”. I feel very bad for him given the very unfortunate circumstances of divorced parents and an absent biological mum, but in this instance, he is very fortunate to have OP in my opinion.

I have to admit, this has been incredibly eye-opening and has made me reflect on my bond with my stepchild, who is 6 (almost 7) years old by the way.

Whilst I may never be able to love SS like my own, I do agree that the love I feel may change over time, particularly when he becomes an adult; the bond we have is incredibly special and all your comments made me realise that. I've shed many tears about his situation with his mum and wanted to protect his pure heart as much as I could. It has been indoctrinated to SS that I am his STEPmum only and that he is never to call me mum, which is, in reality, factual but similarly 1) hurtful as the person who takes care of him every day, and 2) heartbreaking that he is not to make up his mind on who he deems true family himself. It has been very hard for a plethora of reasons and has taken a toll on me, perhaps causing me to harbour this unjust resentment towards SS - i.e., 'ruining' the family dynamic through no fault of his own. On the flip-side, I also have shed many happy tears of his continuous love for me, for example for once screaming my name out loud during an end-of-school-year performance out of sheer happiness to see me, and for giving me massages in the middle of labour contractions. He is a bundle of love and I am sure looking back on all of these memories will be more meaningful once he gets older.

I think there is indeed truth to what some of you pointed out regarding it being my first biological child and thus the overwhelming love a mum can experience in this time, causing (unfair although seemingly natural) comparisons. My biological son is only 9 months old which may be a massively contributing factor to my feelings. I also think considering a third child (second biological) may be crucial for long-term life-satisfaction.

I feel I may be in a baby bubble clouding my thoughts, and whilst the love I feel for both may or may never 'even out', I feel confident it will be a very special bond nonetheless. And the reminder of him being biologically related to my biological son is such a powerful reminder. In fact, one of our family members told us that his brother will never actually be his real brother, and we were absolutely fuming with her for saying such a thing. In SS's mind, that is his baby brother (no prefixes attached) and so that is the reality we live by.

I feel a lot more aware of my feelings now - their origins, for example - and will be able to rationalise them a lot more in the future. It is hard and I feel incredibly guilty, but I know I am where I am supposed to be, I am hopeful everything will work out, and I am fortunate he loves me so much.

I want to thank everyone for commenting, whether with opinions (even if not in favour of me), personal anecdotes, advice etc.

OP you sound lovely. Your stepson is a lucky boy.

You are such a superstar of a 'step'mum @mnuser2021

If more step-parents were as thoughtful and reflective there would be a lot more love in the world. I have children who have different fathers, there is no half, there is just love. Keep focusing on that and how secure this little boy is despite what how difficult it must be for him to see his other Mum so little.

I cannot believe so many people responded with ‘poor boy’. Yes this kid didn’t ask to have divorced parents. But he got a stepmum who speaks of him with genuine affection and wants to do her best for him. Despite having a baby of her ‘own’ now. He could have had a lot worse.

Love as a verb. You are actively loving your SS by being there for him and taking on the mum role. That's all you can do. You don't need to police your inner feelings or try and force yourself to feel something you don't.

I am a stepmother. Sometimes I feel resentful - but I have to say this is mainly because DH's family deifying DSD's dead mum and trying to be best friends with her mother (who DH doesn't like). She actually died of alcoholism and wasn't particularly a 'mum' to her, according to DH. Honestly, sometimes I feel like the second Mrs De Winter. I try really hard to avoid them because this has a negative effect on me and it is absolutely 100% NOT DSD'S FAULT. So yes, I totally understand the whole resenting being the actual mum in the sense of doing all the mum stuff, but apparently someone else is the 'real' mum even if they haven't behaved like one. I firmly believe that family is as family does.

It is not always straightforward, bringing up a child who is not 'your own'. I do feel differently about my biological children (I have three - one with DH). You are doing your best for your stepson. Perhaps look at it as - any extra loving adult in his life is a good thing, even if you cannot love him in exactly the same way. Good luck, you sound lovely.

So you actually believe a range of people randomly confided in you with positive things only, you must be extremely naive to believe it. Or self-centred. Or both. But good luck living in the bubble judging others and using anecdotal evidence as a 'truth' :)

When did I say it was all positive? I am neither thanks, you sound pretty self centered though. Good luck living in your bubble when you think you're always right 🤷‍♀️

They probably do, they just don't admit it.

I'm a step mum with full residency, my DSDs don't see their mum at all. I feel the same way as the OP, with regards to them and my biological daughter. It's just different.

Not everyone feels the same though, surely posters must understand that.

What an honest, vulnerable post. OP your SS and whole family is lucky to have you. Allowing yourself to feel how you feel is much healthier than pretending otherwise x

@mnuser2021 he is his real brother though… they are quite literally, by blood, related!

Yeah literally. What an awful thing of that family member to say!

edited: ^this is a response to the comment above me. Forgot to quote it.

This was a very wholesome thread to read.

I am in a slightly similar situation, although time with DSC is split equally between bio parents. I really enjoy spending time with DSC and they’re my family, but of course it doesn’t compare to the love I hold for my ‘own’ two DC.

I think every stepparent feels the same to be honest. Not sure why majority of voters say you’re unreasonable - perhaps it’s the first time they’ve seen something worded like this. I’m sure you tell everyone you love them equally OP, just like many other stepparents, and so a post like this may be shocking to many.

@adriftinadenofvipers honestly!! Literally!!

theres a lot more going on behind the scenes and he is a tad weird/obsessed with his eldest and I mean feeding him his breakfast till he was almost 9 and alsorts that I won’t put on here because he’ll look even weirder. There’s just so much. He still doesn’t acknowledge our child the way he should do or provide properly. So he isn’t a great dad all round and i could go on all day hence why I said I regret it but I love my child .

he would rather us not be around when he has his oldest etc. So there’s many reasons why it’s all changed and I feel like I do. I’m not just being mean. The child is great but my partner is a tad weird I’ve never met a dad like him and I know a few good dads.

I think every stepparent feels the same to be honest

No they really don’t. There are step parents on this thread and many other who clearly explain their very different feelings. Why do you assume everyone must feel exactly the same way as you?

Because I truly don’t believe we’re biologically programmed to be able to LOVE someone’s else’s child more than the human we pushed out of our body. I’m not talking liking, by the way. I’m sure it’s possible to like another child more than your own, especially if they grow up very misaligning values.

It’s my opinion and I’m sure others have their own and that’s absolutely okay. I’m not going to tell you to believe otherwise.

I have to agree with this. Yet to encounter otherwise as well. Not saying it’s not possible at all but I really think that’d be the vast minority.

I don’t have the same situation as you, but I’m with a new partner of 2 years, who is older than me and already has a 25 year old son. He also got the snip almost immediately after having said son, meaning it’s now going to be incredibly difficult (and expensive) to try to have a family of our own. I’m left feeling I may end up never having a family.

I obviously knew all this when entering the relationship, and I took that risk, but I can’t help resenting his previous family for it. His ex wife who never appreciated him, yet got to have his baby. The fact he then made a practically irreversible decision so young in life and jeopardised his own (and my) future. It’s harder when it’s your lived reality than when you’re deciding whether you’re ok with it. He won’t truly understand and he’s had his chance to do all this but I haven’t.

Don’t be too hard on yourself, you can’t help how you feel, and it sounds like you’re a good mum to him. Just make sure he feels loved and supported.