AIBU for regretting being a stepparent...

[mnuser2021]

Hear me out. I adore my stepchild - he is very mature for his age (can have the best conversations with him), well-mannered, and probably the most caring child I have ever encountered. Seriously.He only remembers a life with me in it and practically sees me as his mum. I do everything daily-life related; ofc OH helps when he can but stepchild generally prefers to do daily "boring" stuff with me. He lives with us almost full-time (2 weekends a month spent with biological mum), and I was prepared for this coming into this relationship. This was never a problem for me, I'm happy to help and he's such a good kid. However... Ever since OH and I had our own, the love I have for each of them is very different. Do I care about my stepchild? Absolutely, and very deeply so. I genuinely love watching him grow and feel proud of his accomplishments. However, it doesn't compare to the love I have for my own. And I must admit, I thoroughly enjoy and look forward to the weekends he's not here when I'm just with my "real" family (for the lack of a better word). I now wish my partner didn't have a child as taking care of and managing both of their schedules tires me out and, for this reason, I couldn't imagine having a third, which makes me sad - that I don't want a second "because of" stepchild, i.e. I will only have 1 biological, which I never imagined. It makes me very sad thinking I'll have two children I don't hold the same emotional love for, and I wish I'd be pouring all my efforts into two I truly loved equally (gosh, sounds so cold written out like this... I hope you'll understand where I'm coming from). Luckily, the two of them (siblings) are unbelievably close! It's utterly heartwarming. But even in their most intimate moments, I catch myself wishing I'd be experiencing it with two biological kids.I don't want this to come across heartless - hell, I've been the stepchild myself my whole life, and I LOVE my stepmum! Which makes me even more committed to never treating them differently. But admittedly, I feel very differently about them in my heart even though they're both amazing kids (I guess it's a "you never love anyone like your own" thing), and god... I have many moments I feel I've robbed myself of the family dynamic I now crave (which I never knew I wanted until I had my own) and it genuinely makes me sad and regretful in hindsight.AIBU? Can anyone relate?

You can't help how you feel. I do think as step parents though we over analyse our feelings about things. So you look forward to the weekends without DSC and you think it's because they're your step child. Maybe it's because they're a difficult age and the break is nice?

I have a DSD and DD. Sometimes I look forward to a night when DD is with my Mum and we have a film and pizza.night with DSD. That's because she's a teenager now and we can have a little girlie chat and watch a film in peace without a toddler running round. That doesn't mean i don't love my own child.

The love you have for your own child will be different but so what? We love lots of people in different ways. I think try to change your mindset and enjoy the family you have.

There's another thread up today about having fantasies about being child free and that's about biological children.

Being a parent is hard either way so just try not to overthink it.

This is really sad. I'm on the opposite side of the situation, I have two biological children, living with my OH who is only bio dad to the youngest. I would be devastated to know he felt that way about my eldest. In fact, often I have asked him if he wants one more as I'm conscious he might feel he wants one more biological child, he always says I have two kids and feel fulfilled with that so no. I hope he's not just saying that and genuinely feels the way you do. It's really sad especially as you have a good relationship with your SS.

Some of these replies make me so sad 😞.

I think it’s because I struggle to imagine that grown, emotionally intelligent adults feel this way, with regards to “pushed out” (what does that even mean? What if the mother had to use a surrogate? Some crazy ideas on here 🤦🏽‍♀️) children vs stepchildren.

As I said in a post earlier on this thread, I have 2 non-bio children and they are just me and my DH’s kids, just as our other bio children are our kids.

I love them all so much, I’m a very “present” parent even though I live in a different country to 3 of them and they know I’m always here for them. And I think that is the most important thing. Being there for your children, loving them and supporting them!

When DC#6 was little they asked me who I loved more, them or DH, and I had to laugh a little and then explained that there’s different types of love, and even when it comes to children, there’s different types of love. Yes, it’s a maternal love but the love you may have for a son, might be different to the love that you have for a daughter. But I have never loved non-bio children less than I loved my bio children and neither has DH.

Perhaps it's because by the time DC#6 asked me that question, we had lost a son, aged 16, and my heart was broken. I was broken. My DH picked me up and carried me for years. Losing another son 5 years later was the end of my world. I struggled to function in any meaningful way. Yes, I cleaned and cooked and did what I was supposed to do, but it was all by rote.

A poster on here told me that she remembered the news stories from when my 16 year old died. I thought perhaps I was the only one who remembered him. And my other son. DH doesn’t talk about it, and my youngest two DC’s have very little memory of either brother, as they were literally babies.

Anyway, love the children that you’ve been gifted with, whether you “pushed” them out or someone else did. Because time goes quickly, life can be fickle 💕

People are obviously very different as it's a complicated business.
Personally I feel sad for children whose parents don't think they are that extra bit special.
After I "pushed out" my dead son, if I'd been handed a button to press to make DSD or indeed any of the other children in the world swap places with him, I would have done so without blinking.
My ultimate loyalty as a mother is to my children and they deserve nothing less.
It doesn't mean I don't care for DSD, it's just that she's got a mother to love her as deeply as I love mine and I don't feel like ive been "gifted" another woman's child. She's not mine, she's her own mothers.

I don’t feel that sharing my parents’ love with any of my (biological siblings) somehow makes me any less “special” or loved by them , than say an only child? So why would it be any different if you had to share that love with your step siblings? Love is not a zero sum game.

My brother is my equal. We are both the children of our parents. My mum and dad are still together, but if they split and then said they loved the child of their new GF/BF as much as me and my brother is think they were either lying about how much they love this new child (dangerous game to play) or had been lying about how much they loved me if they could just replicate it for someone elses child.
There are different types of love. OP loves her DSC as a DSC and not as a DC. Nothing to see here, really.

I think that’s a bit narrow minded tbh. One of my aunts is technically I suppose a “step”, or at least she was originally. She came into my mum’s family when she was 7, her dad married my grandmother. When they divorced my aunt chose to stay living with my granny. Since then she is 100% one of the family. My granny has 5 children (4 biological and 1 not) her will divides her assets between all five children equally .
My aunt is my mother’s sister, and she is my aunt. Her children are my cousins.
Who knows how my granny secretly feels deep down in her heart about who she loves the most, I would never ask such a thing of course. but I would be absolutely disgusted if my mother said she expected her mother to love my aunt less (and said she would feel less “special” or devalued otherwise), or suggested my aunt was less “equal” than her and her other siblings. I know my mum doesn’t feel that way, she’s closer to my aunt than any of her other (biological) siblings tbh and she loves her to bits. She’d never for a second , for example, question the equal inclusion of my aunt in her mother’s will.

I’m so sorry that you lost your baby. It’s very hard, I know. in my previous post on this thread, I said similar. I would do anything to get my children back. But I wouldn’t swap any of my other children for them. As a mother, they are all mine!

I suppose the difference is that my non-bio children didn’t have another mum or dad. It was just my DH and I.

It's absolutely meant to sound narrow minded.
Of the 8billion people in the world, only two of them are above and beyond all the others, no comparison, no compromise, no apologies. Of all the untold billions up in heaven, only one is mine. My boys are my sun, moon and stars and any pretence otherwise would be cruel to all involved.
To be honest I'm disgusted by disgust at the suggestion that a mother/child relationship is sacred.

I suppose the difference is that my non-bio children didn’t have another mum or dad. It was just my DH and I
i think you're absolutely right on this.

@herewegoroundthebastardbush agree with this

Current situation doesn't sound good for this child. And presumably not what he chose

I do wonder if it’s because of the non-bio kids having a mum and dad that puts up this barrier. In my original post on this thread, I made mention of the fact that it might be that there’s always a chance that the child could be kept from you, for some reason, so it’s easier to not love the child, then to be hurt further down the line.

But then, I was brought up at a time when everyone very much still believed in it takes a village, and I think that’s carried forward in me to this day, as I strongly believe that the more people that a child has who loves them, the more secure that child is growing up. If that makes sense 🙂

look that’s fine if that’s how you feel, but I just described a different type of family, so please stop saying how it’s “cruel” and you feel “sorry” for kids like this. There is nothing to feel sorry about. Just accept that some people are different to you and your family and that’s ok.

But then, I was brought up at a time when everyone very much still believed in it takes a village, and I think that’s carried forward in me to this day, as I strongly believe that the more people that a child has who loves them, the more secure that child is growing up. If that makes sense 🙂

100% this

I hate being a step-mum too. Mostly for the reasons you state.

I said "pretence" would be cruel, not that loving any child would be cruel.
I know full well that there are many shapes of family and that's fine, I'm simply being more blunt than usual in defence of the SMs child as all the "poor child only having a SM love and adore and do everything for him will be tortured by the fact that SMs own child ultimately comes first to her" type comments are so tiresome.
Unmet expectations, as ever, are at the heart of the trouble.
Whether these particular expectations are reasonable is another matter (they are not, in my opinion).

Ah ok yes I see you point on the pretence. Yeh that’s fair enough.

I do get your point, but tbf I think the situation you are discussing is a bit different to the OP’s SDC. In fact doesn’t your point actually support those who feel sorry for the SDC? I think the reason people feel sad for him is that it sounds like OP is his primary caregiver. So he doesn’t have another mum to provide him that unique and special love. If OP doesn’t really love him and his own mother hardly sees him enough to parent him then what is he left with? :(. Of course in other types of step families that’s not the case at all, as step mum wouldn’t tend to be primary caregiver so they would have their own mum to love them as you say.

OP states that she loves and adores him in her first post, and he sees his mum EOW which is pretty standard for NRPs so I'm not sure why that's being made out to be horrendous.
She's beating herself up for not meeting an expectation that she should feel the same about both DC, which is a real shame IMO.

Vehemently disagree. I think he’s very lucky to have a present maternal figure and to me it seems like OP has genuine and deep love for him, just not comparable to that of her own son. I don’t think that’s bad. In fact, I think it’s cruel to expect - not to say others don’t feel that way, but in my opinion, that boy is way better off with OP in his life.
I absolutely believe you’d be able to treat both equally, especially if you come from a family of having been the stepchild which OP mentions she has.

No child would choose to have divorced parents. Clearly an actively involved and caring stepmum can only make matters more bearable.

Given how sacred you espouse your mother/ child bond with your children to be, could you imagine being happy to see your kids EOW?

I personally would question whether it is good for a child to be living 86% of their time in a household where the primary caregiver wishes them gone, or (as you put it) sees them as less equal or second best to their sibling.

However, it sounds like OP does everything she can not to show how she feels, and she can’t do much about her feelings as they are what they are, so I’m not sure what the solution might be,

Anyways I can clearly see that we shan’t agree.

No I don't relate at all. I'd advise you to be cautious about who you mention this to in rl as it's likely to ignite strong views.

I think he’s very lucky to have a present maternal figure and to me it seems like OP has genuine and deep love for him, just not comparable to that of her own son. I don’t think that’s bad

you think this child is “very lucky” just because he has a present “maternal figure” (in the household where he is resident). isn’t that a pretty normal expected baseline for a child?!

I wonder if you are dehumanising this child because he’s a step? 🤔

Isn't it quite obvious? If OP was not around, there would be no present maternal figure as he sees his biological mum quite rarely. It's an expected baseline that is not met, more often than you think. On another note, what in the actual fuck are you on about me dehumanising this child. I am literally speaking in his defense that he must feel more content having a more "complete" primary household, shall we say.

I’m a stepchild and saddened by the number of ‘its only natural’ comments. In good parenting scenarios whoever is bringing up the children is supposed to centre the children’s needs. This seems completely adult-centred, by contrast.

Step children have none of the adults’ autonomy or emotional maturity, they have to live with the trauma of parental loss or separation. Depending on the circumstances of the separation they might not have had great parenting to start with either. Then the child is expected to deal with that loss/trauma and to love the parent and stepparent as a new parental unit, which may be very complex for them to do. And yet apparently it’s ‘natural’ that this vulnerable child will never be fully accepted or unconditionally loved by at least one of those parental unit adults. Eh?

Yes perhaps it could be a lot worse for him if OP was not around. The fact that it could be worse , is not sufficient in my mind to make him “very lucky”.