AIBU for regretting being a stepparent...

[mnuser2021]

Hear me out. I adore my stepchild - he is very mature for his age (can have the best conversations with him), well-mannered, and probably the most caring child I have ever encountered. Seriously.He only remembers a life with me in it and practically sees me as his mum. I do everything daily-life related; ofc OH helps when he can but stepchild generally prefers to do daily "boring" stuff with me. He lives with us almost full-time (2 weekends a month spent with biological mum), and I was prepared for this coming into this relationship. This was never a problem for me, I'm happy to help and he's such a good kid. However... Ever since OH and I had our own, the love I have for each of them is very different. Do I care about my stepchild? Absolutely, and very deeply so. I genuinely love watching him grow and feel proud of his accomplishments. However, it doesn't compare to the love I have for my own. And I must admit, I thoroughly enjoy and look forward to the weekends he's not here when I'm just with my "real" family (for the lack of a better word). I now wish my partner didn't have a child as taking care of and managing both of their schedules tires me out and, for this reason, I couldn't imagine having a third, which makes me sad - that I don't want a second "because of" stepchild, i.e. I will only have 1 biological, which I never imagined. It makes me very sad thinking I'll have two children I don't hold the same emotional love for, and I wish I'd be pouring all my efforts into two I truly loved equally (gosh, sounds so cold written out like this... I hope you'll understand where I'm coming from). Luckily, the two of them (siblings) are unbelievably close! It's utterly heartwarming. But even in their most intimate moments, I catch myself wishing I'd be experiencing it with two biological kids.I don't want this to come across heartless - hell, I've been the stepchild myself my whole life, and I LOVE my stepmum! Which makes me even more committed to never treating them differently. But admittedly, I feel very differently about them in my heart even though they're both amazing kids (I guess it's a "you never love anyone like your own" thing), and god... I have many moments I feel I've robbed myself of the family dynamic I now crave (which I never knew I wanted until I had my own) and it genuinely makes me sad and regretful in hindsight.AIBU? Can anyone relate?

Reading the OP my main thought was you're blaming the wrong person for your load being too heavy to have another child. Partly because that is ultimately your choice and mostly because it sounds like the actual problem is that too much gets left to you and that is your OHs fault not your DSS. As they say on here you have a OH problem not a step child problem.

My DC might have a step parent one day, I'd be very happy if they have a step parent who cares about them and looks after them the way you do, but that's different to your situation because it sounds like you're DSS main carer. I feel sad for DSS living in a situation where his main carer is a step parent who doesn't love them. Cares deeply isn't the same. Again though that's on your OH, not you. There's no way I'd let a partner of mine be the main carer for my children, I'm their parent that's my job. Your OH is failing you and his children and that's really the central issue here.

I agree! Just can't imagine moving a man in and then him doing all my childcare

Does your step mum have her own children? Maybe you could sit down with her and discuss how she found being a step mum and how she feels about you. I also don't see why you can't have another children. I agree with another poster that you will resent step child and not like them even more.

Sorry for your loss Bluey

OP I feel very sad for your stepson. Your child’s brother, they are growing up together as siblings. Guaranteed your child isn’t going to know the difference between that boy being their big brother or their big stepbrother. Your child will really love him. As a brother. Will you be telling your child it’s not real love, like they would have for a ‘real’ full sibling?

Your step son is entirely blameless for whether you have more kids or not- that is 100% on you and your partner. Stepchildren are always expected to love their stepparents and yet some of them will only find in return this horrible set of adult feelings projected on to them. That rejection coming after what might have been a very significant trauma of their parents splitting up.

I’m a stepmum and I don’t love my stepchildren like I love my own. I’m not even sure that’s possible, but I’m your case, as biological mum doesn’t seem very involved, I do find it very heartbreaking for him. That said, I’m not sure that’s on you at all though. You can’t change how you feel, just happy you’re making a conscious effort to treat them equally, it’s commendable OP but I’d consider a third like others have said. If you feel you could manage Ofc (and for the right reasons only).

I actually agree with what you’re saying but I think it’s coming across aggressive based on the information OP has given. In fact, it sounds like she’s fully fostering the bond between them and putting her personal feeling aside for the better of the family… just felt like defending OP on this one

Poor boy :(

@mnuser2021

I read your post with so much sadness.

I have 5 biological children and 2 non-biological children. All adults now!

I love my non-biological children just the same as my bio kids.

One of my very wise relatives once told me that it takes a big heart to love children who aren’t biologically your own and if you don’t feel that you can give those children at least as much love as your “own” kids, then you should walk away.

I thought long and hard and I felt that perhaps my heart was big enough, and I believe that your heart is too.

What you’re going through is normal. Every other weekend, it’s you, your DH and your DC, and the dynamics are different and because it’s a weekend, your DH is probably more present, so the burden is lifted from you. When your DSC is there, he gravitates to you because you are his main carer/parent. Added to your DH working long hours and the strain is all on you, of course you feel as if having only 1 child would be easier. But I bet there are times when you’re really busy and your DSC “entertains” your DC! And you know, even if DSC wasn’t there and you had mnuser2021 junior, you would have the same struggles. A largely absent father due to work commitments and all the load on you. And then you would be wishing your older DC was at school all the time because it would be stressful and these feelings are natural, and I think you’re just overwhelmed due to having all the responsibility and effectively being a single parent during the working week.

I always brought all the children up as if they are “full” siblings (I don’t like to think in those terms, at all. They are all my children!). I’ve brought them up as equal in terms of love, time, affection, etc. There’s no difference between the ones I physically gave birth to and the ones that someone else physically gave birth too.

Step-parenting is probably the hardest type of parenting there is. You have to coparent with someone you probably don’t have anything in common with, and you’re doing your best not to let resentment build, over things like you having the child for 26/27 days per month, whilst the absent coparent only has 4 days a month!

When you adopt a child, that child becomes yours in every sense. As a stepparent, you don’t have that, rather you have the uncertainty that comes with knowing that the absent parent, in this case the biological mother, could come and try to take the child away. When you become attached to a child, and I do think, having read the whole thread, that you are attached to your DSC, the thought of that child possibly being taken away is heartbreaking. So instead, when your own biological child comes along, you know that no one can take your DC away. Your own DC is a much surer bet.

I lost 2 of my biological children, one at 16, then a few years later, one who was 19. It was/is horrendous. No parent should outlive their child. It hasn’t made me love my surviving bio kids more, or made me love my non-bio kids less. I still love them all so much. I look at pictures from the last time we were all together, almost 2 decades ago, and it breaks my heart, but I’m thankful that I still have 5 children, who are healthy, happy and know that I’ll always be here as their mum.

I know that as time goes on, and things get easier (yayyyy, nursery, preprimary), you will once again, find that love for your DSC and you’ll realise that it might not be the same as you love your DC, but it will be equal to the amount you love your DC. It’s almost impossible for anyone, who has brought up a child, whether their own, adopted, fostered, stepchild, to not love that child. You have a shared history and that will be something that no one can take from you. Those memories and that bond 💕

Edit: clarity

What a prince among men you chose to father your child. What kind of father doesn't see two of his children?!

And now you don't want to spend time with the only one of the three that he bothers to keep in touch with?!!

Look out in the future.

I wonder if you had another child you'd feel differently. I have 3 children and although my love for them is equal, the reasons for the love are different. At the moment you have your perfect child and almost perfect step child. Having another could help you realise that all children, like adults are all only almost perfect.

I would urge you to look at their father with a fresh pair of eyes. There are parents who parent and then there are parents who ‘help’ and ‘step in where they can’. I’m not surprised sc prefers doing the boring stuff with you- is their dad any good at it? Does he treat it as essential parenting? If not, why not? Dh and I both work full time so we both share the whole load- night wakes, staying home with sick child, leaving early to get to a concert, making the work up late at night. There is no ‘when we can’. Like many parents a lot of this didn’t occur to my Dh and no he’s not as good at the mental load, so I might notice the dc need shoes but I send him to buy them shoes and get their haircut while he’s at it, but unpack the bag from the park before you leave and put a load of washing on. Your dp might need to see parenting as less optional and then you can have more fun with it when you’re not constantly cleaning up after them having fun. And maybe then you could also imagine another child, if it weren’t so much on you. Dh leaves work early to get dc to footy training, I do before school basketball training, Dh mostly does the 7pm piano lesson as I’m not home, he does all the weekend morning footy, a lot of the swimming. It would take a huge load off having two active adults prioritising their children and it can be done even when the adults have busy jobs.

YANBU. I could never be with a man who already had children. I’m not one of those people who naturally adores all kids. I love my own more than anything but I’m not the slightest bit interested in other peoples. I think your DH needs to pull his weight and do more with his child. He’s expecting a lot of you

Sounds to me like ss has two parents who are leaving the grunt work of looking after their son to you op
id take a long hard look at why your doing more to raise that child than his own parents
if his own parents stepped up and did some actual parenting,you would not be to tired to have another child of your own
well done for being honest
but the truth is ,he has two parents of his own who need to step up and relive u of the burden of the parenting of their son ,he isn’t your actual son ,so why are u doing so much for him
he has lazy parents ,who are letting u do everything

To my mind, if you have multiple biological children, you love each child differently. It may not be ‘more’ or ‘less’ but it’s different. Some personalities are easier to love than others. And even if all are easier to love, there’s still a personality overlay to how we respond to our children. Some we see ourselves in, others are more of a foreign entity. It’s interesting to read psychological papers on the subject. And you’re experiencing the novelty of new stages of a baby for the first time. Give yourself permission to reframe your thoughts.

No-one is forced into it. I feel so sorry for the kids in these situations. If anyone has the slightest inkling they might feel the way OP does then they shouldn't get into a relationship with someone who has kids - it's quite simple really.

This.

This.

And this☝️.

@Umjellu do you refer to twice a month Dads as 'biological' or 'birth' fathers?

How do you know how they feel?
Many people would not/do not admit anything like that to a friend or family, because of stigma and people like you judging. Step parents I know don't talk about it, but some act very differently and if you read this very board, many step parents seem to admit they do not care about a step child as much as their own, unless they do it to showw off from their high moral horse.

The problem is your partner not your step child. My dp has been in my dc's life for nearly all of it ( and their father is dead), I parent not him, likewise he parents his children, not me. I think having a child together, really changes things and, unpopular opinion here, it is often not in the best interests of the existing children.

How are people meant to know before the fact, Iknow people who started relationships with people with kids with the best intentions and only years later things started to change, mostly when they had their own kids.

Are people with kids meant to keel over and die just because they have kids and forget about partners and companions and just live out their lives lonely because of that?

Both step and birth kids can be loved in a different way.

I don't actually think YABU but it seems you have a DH problem not a SC issue and the reason you don't want another child is down to your DH. If he actually stepped up and parented his kids, if you were genuine partners then you'd be able to do it but HE'S ditched you to raise both kids alone. Your angst is pointed in the wrong direction love 💐

What job is more important and for a great reason, at this moment?

I would consider having another bio child. Discuss logistics with your husband. Or
you could really regret it.

Of course none of this is your stepchild’s
fault. He has drawn the short straw by having divorced parents. But I would think of it as that it is much much better for him to have you in his life than not. It would be awful if you walked away, even though the current setup is not ideal.

You are doing the best you can OP. But I would not stop having another child because of your stepkid. It’s unfair to pin that responsibility on his existence.

It will get easier. I'm assuming your youngest is quite young and there's an age gap. As they get older the dsc wil be more independent and it will be about entertaining the lo. You may change your mind about the third child when your youngest is a bit older or not. It's not really anyone's fault that you feel the family works better as it is.

Where's dh in this, maybe he needs to be stepping up more if you are feeling so tired. Bear in mind if he wasn't with you he would have full responsibility for this child.

I lost 2 of my biological children, one at 16, then a few years later, one who was 19. It was/is horrendous. No parent should outlive their child.

This is just awful. I am so so sorry x