AIBU for regretting being a stepparent...

[mnuser2021]

Hear me out. I adore my stepchild - he is very mature for his age (can have the best conversations with him), well-mannered, and probably the most caring child I have ever encountered. Seriously.He only remembers a life with me in it and practically sees me as his mum. I do everything daily-life related; ofc OH helps when he can but stepchild generally prefers to do daily "boring" stuff with me. He lives with us almost full-time (2 weekends a month spent with biological mum), and I was prepared for this coming into this relationship. This was never a problem for me, I'm happy to help and he's such a good kid. However... Ever since OH and I had our own, the love I have for each of them is very different. Do I care about my stepchild? Absolutely, and very deeply so. I genuinely love watching him grow and feel proud of his accomplishments. However, it doesn't compare to the love I have for my own. And I must admit, I thoroughly enjoy and look forward to the weekends he's not here when I'm just with my "real" family (for the lack of a better word). I now wish my partner didn't have a child as taking care of and managing both of their schedules tires me out and, for this reason, I couldn't imagine having a third, which makes me sad - that I don't want a second "because of" stepchild, i.e. I will only have 1 biological, which I never imagined. It makes me very sad thinking I'll have two children I don't hold the same emotional love for, and I wish I'd be pouring all my efforts into two I truly loved equally (gosh, sounds so cold written out like this... I hope you'll understand where I'm coming from). Luckily, the two of them (siblings) are unbelievably close! It's utterly heartwarming. But even in their most intimate moments, I catch myself wishing I'd be experiencing it with two biological kids.I don't want this to come across heartless - hell, I've been the stepchild myself my whole life, and I LOVE my stepmum! Which makes me even more committed to never treating them differently. But admittedly, I feel very differently about them in my heart even though they're both amazing kids (I guess it's a "you never love anyone like your own" thing), and god... I have many moments I feel I've robbed myself of the family dynamic I now crave (which I never knew I wanted until I had my own) and it genuinely makes me sad and regretful in hindsight.AIBU? Can anyone relate?

I think this is so ignorant and narrow minded though. There are plenty of people who love children they haven’t “pushed out of their body”.

If that’s how you feel that’s understandable, and probably very common, but it’s incredibly arrogant to assume what’s possible for others to feel, especially when they directly tell you otherwise.

Going against the grain. 6/7 is quite an irritating age - they're not "cute" in the same way that toddlers are, but they still require a lot of input and can pick up quite a lot of annoying behaviour at school.

And it's entirely usual for an older child to be a bit mentally pushed out when a new baby comes along because the mother is busy with the baby.

Do the same as you'd do if you had these feelings towards an older biological child - fake it till you make it and keep reminding yourself about all the good things about your DSS.

Babies are really quite annoying, but we're biologically wired to nurture and protect them. It's not surprising you should feel as you do towards your little one, but I think it would be a mistake to extrapolate from this that your relationship with your DSS is "lesser". It's just different and will evolve over time. As will your relationship with your own child.

You’re beating yourself up for loving your own child more than someone else’s - it’s perfectly natural, literally programmed into us, most people love their own kids more than other peoples. Instead of being vilified, you should be celebrated for how much you’ve done for someone else’s child, which is more than either of the child’s actual parents.

Oh yeah, we can agree on that 100%. I’ve also never stated you can’t love children that aren’t yours biologically. I’m simply talking from a perspective of a household with biological children and stepchildren, that if you were forced to compare, the love for your own would go that bit deeper. Only natural and not shameful. Love my stepchildren to bits, genuinely. Certainly don’t see myself as ignorant and narrow-minded so that’s that.

It's bloody hard work raising biological children, no idea how others manage with step children also in the mix. There will always be an imbalance though.

I agree. My DBro is 39 and single. No kids. He is one of many single men out there. Loads out there. I have always wondered why someone would get involved with a partner who has children already. In my opinion it's just too much emotional baggage. Life is already stressful with a nuclear family dynamic.

DBro has knocked back loads of women who have kids. He is not interested and is direct about it and moves on. He will meet someone when the time is right.

I agree. No way would I get involved either. Why make life more complicated than it needs to be 🤷🏻

Am with you. I got into a relationship with someone with a child when I was very, very young, and at that point was unable to fully conceptualise what it would mean. Just wanted to be with him no matter what. Still do, I think he's the best person in the world. Now we have one of our own as well and it's nothing my stepchild does at all really, it's just too complicated, like you say. If I could do life over, I would've chosen someone without kids. But for now, I just consider myself lucky to be with my soulmate and getting to raise kids with him. That said, I ALWAYS advise my friends to please consider someone without kids.

I don't think YABU, seems to be quite a common feeling among step-parents and is the reason why some people do not date those with kids.

@Liok
I KNOW you are wrong ! I absolutely do.

I have birth , adopted and foster children and I love them all the same . It feels the same and I have the same fierce maternal love for them all.
How offensive this thread is to anyone who is a step child or an adopted child so many hurtful comments.
Just because you havent got it in you to love someone else's biological child like your own doesn't mean nobody else has.

I’d argue you are in the minority but how wonderful for you you feel this way and it is indeed possible.

I find your comment most offensive of all though. Nothing about “not having it in you”, it’s literally biology - not that otherwise isn’t POSSIBLE, but it would only be natural. You sound wildly judgemental.

I am a stepchild and found zero offense anywhere in this thread. My stepdad has admitted to feeling a stronger ‘innate’ bond to his biological daughter but feeling like the bond we share is so special nothing can compare. I completely understood and I feel the same; I love my bio dad but find my relationship with my stepdad more meaningful.

All to their own but no need to sounds ignorant and better-than.

@HereToRelate
Well others have come on to say they have been dismayed as a stepchild to read this thread so that point stands ( though I am glad you are not one of them ). And yes I can see how I sounded judgemental though I was stating the fact that some people are capable of loving non biological children and as this thread has shown some are not.. I was riled by the adamant sentiment Liok expressed as if it was an accepted fact but I will admit that I am sensitive to slights on non biological children because of some of my personal experiences
However I apologise for my tone nonetheless as you are right there was no need to be rude .

I think as someone else said, you should allow yourself to feel what you feel without beating yourself up. It's hard wired into us to love our biological kids. Personally I think what you do in life is more important than how you feel. You care deeply about your stepson and look after him and spend time with him. You have probably made that boy's life much happier and stable than it would have been without your input. I think you should give yourself a lot of credit for that.

As for not having time/energy for another child of your own, that's trickier. I guess it's the same when you take on any big commitment in life, whether that's a step child or someone/something else. I'm not sure what the answer is.

Yes but there are plenty of families with a blend of kids biologically related or not, (or “pushed out the body” or not) and plenty of people describe feeling differently to you, in terms of comparing love.
You don’t have to be ashamed of how you feel and it may feel “natural” to you, but please don’t universalise your experience or tell others what they can or can’t feel, that can be really harmful to promote a narrative that love for biological children is always greater/ more meaningful/
more powerful. And it just isn’t how the world really works in practice for many.

❤️❤️❤️

I don’t think there was anything wrong with what you said tbh. You were fiercely challenging a really dominant but harmful (and false) narrative that needs to be challenged. ❤️

You are showing strong bias by allowing one side (which you agree with) to express themselves in a rude manner and the other barely gets acknowledgements for expressing their personal opinions, even when that person clarified it is simply what they believe, NOT universalising it. Don’t think name-calling belongs in this thread at all. There’s being fierce and there’s being straight judgemental and rude.

@Tandora Can think of a million better and more productive ways to challenge something like this than calling someone ignorant, arrogant and narrow-minded all at once

Can we maybe recognise that birth, adopted, foster and step children are all different?
I accept my DSD, but I didn't want her enough to go through the adoption process, my caring for her isn't rescuing her from traumatic circumstances, I have no real authority over her life and I'm not expected to do any real parenting. Totally different relationship so it seems strange to compare them.

What I challenged was one side universalising their experience and saying everyone feels this way because it is natural. It’s perfectly fine to say this is how I feel. It’s ignorant, arrogant and judgemental to say this is how everyone feels. I’m not calling anyone names, I’m calling words, behaviours, attitudes exactly what they are.

OP you can’t help your feeling and as someone who’s never had SC I can imagine it can be difficult at times. Agree that it sounds like dad needs to step up. Also I think if you want and can afford another child don’t let it put you off!

You can't help the way you feel, that's just a fact. But please don't fantasise about biological siblings and the perfect relationship they would have. My own sister hated me from birth and 50 years later we don't have anything to do with each other. Your kids get on well, please don't take that for granted, it's a blessing. Your stepchild sounds lovely. You're lucky to have them.

My children have a step mother and two half siblings and although there are challenges I wouldn't change it, they have a great life. The children don't always suffer from such an arrangement if the adults continue to make the best decisions possible.