AIBU for regretting being a stepparent...

[mnuser2021]

Hear me out. I adore my stepchild - he is very mature for his age (can have the best conversations with him), well-mannered, and probably the most caring child I have ever encountered. Seriously.He only remembers a life with me in it and practically sees me as his mum. I do everything daily-life related; ofc OH helps when he can but stepchild generally prefers to do daily "boring" stuff with me. He lives with us almost full-time (2 weekends a month spent with biological mum), and I was prepared for this coming into this relationship. This was never a problem for me, I'm happy to help and he's such a good kid. However... Ever since OH and I had our own, the love I have for each of them is very different. Do I care about my stepchild? Absolutely, and very deeply so. I genuinely love watching him grow and feel proud of his accomplishments. However, it doesn't compare to the love I have for my own. And I must admit, I thoroughly enjoy and look forward to the weekends he's not here when I'm just with my "real" family (for the lack of a better word). I now wish my partner didn't have a child as taking care of and managing both of their schedules tires me out and, for this reason, I couldn't imagine having a third, which makes me sad - that I don't want a second "because of" stepchild, i.e. I will only have 1 biological, which I never imagined. It makes me very sad thinking I'll have two children I don't hold the same emotional love for, and I wish I'd be pouring all my efforts into two I truly loved equally (gosh, sounds so cold written out like this... I hope you'll understand where I'm coming from). Luckily, the two of them (siblings) are unbelievably close! It's utterly heartwarming. But even in their most intimate moments, I catch myself wishing I'd be experiencing it with two biological kids.I don't want this to come across heartless - hell, I've been the stepchild myself my whole life, and I LOVE my stepmum! Which makes me even more committed to never treating them differently. But admittedly, I feel very differently about them in my heart even though they're both amazing kids (I guess it's a "you never love anyone like your own" thing), and god... I have many moments I feel I've robbed myself of the family dynamic I now crave (which I never knew I wanted until I had my own) and it genuinely makes me sad and regretful in hindsight.AIBU? Can anyone relate?

I'm really sorry, I wrote it in sections to make it more digestible, but it seems to have merged it all together!

I can absolutely relate. It has been a million times harder than I ever expected, compounded by the fact my step daughter has a LOT of problems which badly affect my own children. I simply cannot love a child that isn't mine as much as I do my own, as much as I try it's just impossible.

@Dramatic I am so sorry to hear. And yes, that's exactly how I feel - that it's physically impossible. I really, really try, and as much as my actions would never give it away, I do feel the imbalance inside.

that I don't want a second "because of" stepchild

But it’s not because of the step child, it’s because you are tired having 2 kids around, it’s your choice to stick at one. You can have another if you want, this isn’t step childs fault. I think YABU, I don’t think you are the evil step mother by any means, and there’s nothing wrong with feeling how you feel, but your choices here are all your own, not ‘because of’ the stepchild. Wishing him away is unreasonable in my opinion.

@TeaKitten Absolutely, that's why I put speech marks, I couldn't find a better wording. Apologies - you put it exactly how I meant it, actually; I don't blame it on my stepchild at all, it's all my life choices. It's merely the feeling of having my cup full, if that makes sense which I had not anticipated feeling once having just one of our own.Thank you for your input! I appreciate it.

His Mum is not his 'biological Mum'; she has and always will be his Mum and you his Step-Mum. You will never replace her.
Good job, considering you wish he didn't exist and your own imaginary child did.
I've been a Step-Mum and loathed it (the Dad was useless and I did everything for his 4 children when they were with us). Had a much better relationship with the 4 former step-children since I left him and their Mum is a lovely woman.

How old is your child OP?

Step-parenting is the worst of both worlds.

This is why blended families are so often so shit, and why is do almost anything to prevent my kids ending up in one.

You're not wrong to feel how you feel, but you're delusional if you think that poor child won't know, and won't be badly affected. He's already got to deal with hardly seeing his mum, hardly seeing his dad either by the sound of it, and now the person who so far has cared for him most and most consistently has emotionally ditched him for a younger model. One who doesn't have to leave the family every two weeks, who's always wanted. It fucking sucks for him and I'm afraid I have no sympathy for you, an adult who made her choices - that poor little boy has made no choices and has drawn the shitty end of the stick with a mum who hardly sees him and a stepmum so wishes he didn't exist. Honestly breaks my heart.

If you're tired out dealing with most of the work of looking after your stepchild, I think that shows your OH isn't doing enough to care for his own child. It's just wonderful how these men get women to look after their children for them.

This is so sad to read. The step parents I know who have most of the residency don't feel this way, the step child is their child in all ways other that biology.

You can't help how you feel though.

OP, couldn’t help but jump in and say I think this comment is incredibly bizarre and assuming that you try to force being his mum, or that you wish for your stepchild to not exist, or even that you’d let this effect how you treat him! His mum doesn’t sound very involved from where I’m standing.

I’m not a stepmum so I can’t relate, but I’d say you are valid in your feelings. I’d suggest maybe talking your feelings through with a therapist to conceptualise your feelings and finding a way to feel wholly content with your life.

I highly doubt they'd come out and tell you they felt this way.

I think your main problem is you’re doing too much parenting of your SC and your DH needs to start parenting his own child. Your SC prefers doing boring stuff with you because they are used to it, and your DH is sitting pretty because he has a nanny and a housekeeper.. stop letting him get away with this.

Beyond that, I think it helps to appreciate what you have in life, rather than focus down on what you don’t. It’s fine to wish things were different - just don’t let it turn into an obsession. You might find your relationship with your SC deepens into a proper friendship as they get older. It did for me.

Biological mum is a reasonable description given how much more parenting the OP does than her.

Given you’ve struggled as a step parent you might have a little more empathy. Just because your SCs mother was lovely doesn’t mean that’s the case here.

If you’re doing everything for your SS what’s your partner doing for your shared child?

They are close friends, do you not confide im your closest friends? I know them well and we discuss these things, one is DHs best friend. In that instance the biological dad is not on the scene though so perhaps that makes a difference. The other is a stepmum but has no bio children so again perhaps that's why.

I've not said how I feel to people no.

And yes in both of those cases I can see why they may not feel the same way as op and me do.

@Ontheperiphery79 a woman who sees her children twice a month can and should be referred to as the ‘biological mum.’

@mnuser2021 it sounds hard. I think all I can say is that you may feel less love but I expect your stepchild loves you very, very much, and I would consider that he is now your ‘real’ family in the sense that he is related by blood to your own child. That is how I would see it to try and strengthen the bond/love, even if it is always a bit different.

I also know some step parents who are the non resident household, some of them definitely feel this way, in fact one in particular has a lot of resentment towards the children even though her DH has taken her child on as his own. They have always been open to us about it though.

It's far from ideal for the DC involved but your situation does not sound similar to the OPs, she has said there are no issues and that the child is lovely, it's purely that she wants only bio children. I find that really sad but I know I may be in the minority here.

YANBU. It’s a thankless task and one of my biggest regrets.

What a helpful comment, @Umjellu. Genuinely a meaningful reminder, thank you!

It is sad for sure. I'm incredibly sad about the situation I'm in, I wish I could make it different but it's complex and not easy to "fix".

I feel so sad thinking this might happen to my little girl one day, her dad and his partner having their own and her wishing for the weekends that it can be her ‘real family’
The only loser in any split family is the child.