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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset over a friend's upsetting message to me

163 replies

pussinboots61 · 12/09/2023 18:05

I feel really upset. One of my friends, who I've been close to for a few years now, has upset me and I am having difficulty moving on from it. She's always been a straight to the point, outspoken person but with a good sense of humour and we've always got on.

However recently she's been very critical of my lifestyle. We are both divorced and live alone. She likes to be at home, I like to be out and socialising. She does, however, love her holidays abroad and met some people last year on holiday when she went on her own, they live in another city and she has been going away with them ever since and is quite fussy with them. I don't comment on this and am glad she is getting the holidays she wants. We did go away together on a five day trip together in March this year and she was a bit snappy with me then but I let it ride.

She's always having digs about me liking to meet friends for lunch and coffees and for going for coffees on my own. We both meet up sometimes, which is more often initiated by me, she has one coffee and then goes early.

Anyway on Sunday I received a normal friendly message from her in the morning saying she was glad I had had a nice day meeting some friends on Saturday as we had discussed it the night before. I mentioned in my response that one of my friends had offered for her and her partner to take me out with them one Sunday as I don't have transport and I said how nice it would be.

Well the same afternoon I received a message from her out of the blue, the whole message was criticsing me, accusing me of not being able to go out without waiting to be invited by people, that I am not an independent woman at all and need to lean on people and that she can't understand me. That she is so different, she likes having friends but can do anything on her own and even had a go at me because I had complained about a bus route near me, and in the past we have complained about the buses together and even had a laugh about it. She was scathing and said what has the bus timetable got to do with me and its not just worse for me.

I was very upset and it knocked me back. I do have depression and anxiety and it set me back. I waited until I had calmed down and prepared a carefully thought out reply, being polite but assertive, explaining to her that I do go out on my own but also like to socialise with others and that I can't see this as being anything out of the ordinary and am upset and puzzled as to why she has an issue with this. I received a one line reply this morning saying that if she has upset me it wasn't intended. Is that an apology? Where do I go from here? Had she made a sarcastic remark within a friendly message I could tolerate it more but this was a message totally aimed at hurting me I feel.

Should I reply and let it go now and ignore her? I don't want to lose her friendship if I'm honest.

OP posts:
YoSof · 12/09/2023 18:06

She isn’t a good friend.

What exactly would you be losing?

LetMeEnfoldYou · 12/09/2023 18:08

I wouldn't reply. Just let her shitty remark be the last thing said between you, and she can stew on it forever.

VeryStylishShoes · 12/09/2023 18:09

She sounds nasty. I would gladly bin the friendship tbh. Ignore

Nevermind202020 · 12/09/2023 18:11

I'd be happy to lose that 'friend'.

Armychefbethebest · 12/09/2023 18:11

She doesn't sound much of a friend op, a snarky message and snapping at me on holiday would be enough. It comes across as jealousy tbh that people would go out of their way to pick you up to go somewhere maybe and she's deflecting her insecurity onto you. Have a good think about the friendship as a whole if she has form for this then I think I would rethink the friendship.if it is unusual for her then maybe a little dig to see what's going on either way her insecurity is not your making remember that x

labamba007 · 12/09/2023 18:12

What a horrible person! She clearly likes to feel that she is somehow better than you. I wouldn't be friends with her any longer. And I wouldn't reply either!

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 12/09/2023 18:12

Of course she meant to upset you, it was a complete character assassination based on, frankly, bizarre things to take issue with.

I think I'd probably tell her 'fuck off, you're clearly no friend of mine.' and not bother to speak to her again. Would it affect other friendships?

Edit: typo

Bearpawk · 12/09/2023 18:12

What exactly did she say to criticise you? Are you able to post her message in here ? I'm wondering if she meant it the way you took it.

menopausalbloat · 12/09/2023 18:13

Is it jealousy as you're going out with other people and not her?

FloweryName · 12/09/2023 18:13

You say you don’t want to lose her friendship, but if she’s thinking that badly of you for doing nothing wrong, you don’t have her friendship to start with.

I agree with the suggestion of just letting her message hang there.

Terrribletwos · 12/09/2023 18:14

Agree with previous posters and also she sounds a bit jealous/unhinged? Why is she so bothered about what you do with your own free time?

Terrribletwos · 12/09/2023 18:17

And also, to answer your question, don't reply, just quietly disown.

Thepeopleversuswork · 12/09/2023 18:17

I'm always sceptical of posters who say "she must be jealous" but in this case it does sound like she's jealous.

Can't think of any other reason why she would involve herself in your lifestyle.

VeridicalVagabond · 12/09/2023 18:19

She sounds horrible! So many people hide being massive knob heads behind the excuse of "oh I'm just a straight forward, blunt, outspoken person, haha" and it's such nonsense. They're just twats.

Don't message her again, bin her off. Sorry she's made you feel crappy, but you honestly sound perfectly fine, independent and normal. Try not to let her nastiness get to you.

morag1234 · 12/09/2023 18:27

Don't reply. I wouldn't have bothered responding and explaining your behaviour etc.

She sounds like a twat.
Just ignore her now and if she keeps messaging, I would be honest and say it was just a message of pure criticism and that you don't have time for that sort of thing in your life.

Icepinkeskimo · 12/09/2023 18:28

OP I think a lot of us have what I term a “top dog” friend. Whatever we do they have to pick it apart and belittle us under a thin disguise of being funny.
The one with the new “in crowd” group of friends, doing exciting things. The very same friend who gets a bit miffed that if you do go somewhere with others then she’s got to have a dig.
I totally understand what you’ve wrote, I have a friend so similar I stopped telling her where I’d been, and with who. I actually have cut back on this friendship, really because she stressed me out to be honest.
A friend should not make you anxious, it’s horrible really isn’t it?
You’re not boring, you like to chill out with a coffee so what? I do the same, I love to just go out have a coffee, do a bit of people watching, and just relax, that’s my wind down time.
If that makes me boring in the eyes of someone else so what?!
You keep being you.

Maray1967 · 12/09/2023 18:32

This is not what I understand a friend is meant to be. There is no way I would have someone like that in my life. She is putting you down- do you really want more of this?

Beaverbridge · 12/09/2023 18:40

Shes no friend. I think she's jealous of you.

CaroleSinger · 12/09/2023 18:41

You say you don't want to lose her friendship but be honest, what sort of friendship is she actually offering? Why is it any of her business how you choose to socialise? Be really really honest here, what sort of friendship is this really? She isn't supportive, she doesn't encourage you to enjoy your life, she doesn't make you feel good about yourself. There's more than enough there for anyone else to be distancing themselves from her.

pussinboots61 · 12/09/2023 18:41

Bearpawk · 12/09/2023 18:12

What exactly did she say to criticise you? Are you able to post her message in here ? I'm wondering if she meant it the way you took it.

Hi, she did mean it, the message is full of exclamation marks and sarcasm. I know her well and know when she's joking.

OP posts:
1983Louise · 12/09/2023 18:45

Please lose the friendship, you'll be anxious every time you hear from her let alone meeting her. Know your worth, you deserve a better friend.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 12/09/2023 18:45

She sounds like she is in school playground mode and she’s lashing out because you have other friends.

Let me guess - she believes in being honest and calling a spade a spade - often whilst metaphorically smacking you around the back of the head with said spade.

pussinboots61 · 12/09/2023 18:45

Thanks for all your supportive replies. The only reason I want to keep her as a friend is that we have always had a good laugh together and got on well, apart from her bursts of snappiness now and again but's not been the whole time.

This recent outburst though is really beyond belief. How can she not understand me for wanting a social life? But she thinks she is always right. She made a dig the other day about me going out for a meals with friends so I just asked her nicely if she has lunch with these friends of hers when she goes away with them and her reply was 'Yes, but only because we have to eat'. She talks a lot of crap when it suits her. She's one of these people who thinks she's always right and will never admit she's wrong. It's a losing battle.

OP posts:
WunWun · 12/09/2023 18:50

I would reply that you've read her message a number of times and can't think what else she could have possibly intended with her scathing criticism

ohdamnitjanet · 12/09/2023 18:53

It sounds like you have a very nice life with some lovely friends, she doesn’t seem to be adding much to it. I wouldn’t bother to reply, ever.