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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset over a friend's upsetting message to me

163 replies

pussinboots61 · 12/09/2023 18:05

I feel really upset. One of my friends, who I've been close to for a few years now, has upset me and I am having difficulty moving on from it. She's always been a straight to the point, outspoken person but with a good sense of humour and we've always got on.

However recently she's been very critical of my lifestyle. We are both divorced and live alone. She likes to be at home, I like to be out and socialising. She does, however, love her holidays abroad and met some people last year on holiday when she went on her own, they live in another city and she has been going away with them ever since and is quite fussy with them. I don't comment on this and am glad she is getting the holidays she wants. We did go away together on a five day trip together in March this year and she was a bit snappy with me then but I let it ride.

She's always having digs about me liking to meet friends for lunch and coffees and for going for coffees on my own. We both meet up sometimes, which is more often initiated by me, she has one coffee and then goes early.

Anyway on Sunday I received a normal friendly message from her in the morning saying she was glad I had had a nice day meeting some friends on Saturday as we had discussed it the night before. I mentioned in my response that one of my friends had offered for her and her partner to take me out with them one Sunday as I don't have transport and I said how nice it would be.

Well the same afternoon I received a message from her out of the blue, the whole message was criticsing me, accusing me of not being able to go out without waiting to be invited by people, that I am not an independent woman at all and need to lean on people and that she can't understand me. That she is so different, she likes having friends but can do anything on her own and even had a go at me because I had complained about a bus route near me, and in the past we have complained about the buses together and even had a laugh about it. She was scathing and said what has the bus timetable got to do with me and its not just worse for me.

I was very upset and it knocked me back. I do have depression and anxiety and it set me back. I waited until I had calmed down and prepared a carefully thought out reply, being polite but assertive, explaining to her that I do go out on my own but also like to socialise with others and that I can't see this as being anything out of the ordinary and am upset and puzzled as to why she has an issue with this. I received a one line reply this morning saying that if she has upset me it wasn't intended. Is that an apology? Where do I go from here? Had she made a sarcastic remark within a friendly message I could tolerate it more but this was a message totally aimed at hurting me I feel.

Should I reply and let it go now and ignore her? I don't want to lose her friendship if I'm honest.

OP posts:
Peacendkindness · 12/09/2023 19:37

LetMeEnfoldYou · 12/09/2023 18:08

I wouldn't reply. Just let her shitty remark be the last thing said between you, and she can stew on it forever.

This. Absolutely let her stew on it forever - she hasn’t even apologised.

I had someone like this and they were just jealous

Dont reply - what a shitty thing to say.

concentrate on your life - sounds like you are very sociable and have nice other people on your life

EmpressSoleil · 12/09/2023 19:41

I live my life in one way. My friends live their lives in different ways. Would I ever make any negative comments on how they live their lives? Of course not. Why would I? All I care about is that my friends are happy. That is all friends should care about.

Agree with everyone else. She is no friend to you.

Gwendimarco · 12/09/2023 19:44

It’s quite simple really, she is envious, possibly jealous. This is a ‘her’ issue.

I wouldn’t reply. Let her come to you. If she wants to make amends and salvage the friendship she will give you a full explanation and apology. You don’t owe her anything right now x

Bored1000 · 12/09/2023 19:45

I wouldn’t reply…that should get her thinking, let her make the next move ….if she even does that

She needs to understand that her words have consequences otherwise she will keep doing it to you.

I personally wouldn’t want anything more to do with her, She seems bitter for some reason.

xsquared · 12/09/2023 19:59

OP, your "friend" sounds unhappy about something and she is taking it out on you.

Perhaps she needs you to be at least as miserable as her so that she doesn't feel threatened by your social life.
That text sent on the day of your outing with your real friends was definitely meant to upset you and cause drama, because she probably needs the drama to provoke you and give her a reason to further undermine you.

She will probably try to contact you again because you're not biting, and then accuse you of being petty or too sensitive because she'll claim she's already apologised with that one line text.

People like this are draining.

Friends build you up not tear you down.

You really wouldn't be losing anything by ignoring her. It's her loss, not yours.

TaigaSno · 12/09/2023 20:04

I would reply, simply saying "yes you are right about one thing, we are very different".
Then I'd leave the friendship at that.

A friend should raise your spirits, encourage you, help you through life. She's used you to fill a gap in her life and now she doesn't need that she's criticising aspects of your life that remind her of where she used to be. This woman is not your friend.

FakeFool · 12/09/2023 20:06

She sounds like she has a real nasty streak. The fact she has been unpleasant before makes this text extra horrible. She knows what she was wanted and what she wanted was too hurt you and make you feel upset. She did this knowing you suffer with depression. That's really calculated and cruel.

Would you ever do that to someone? Can you imagine actually trying to compose a text to upset someone who you've been friends with for years and making sure you target things that you know will deeply hurt.

I think kind of behaviour, where it's so cold and calculated is particularly nasty.

I'd ditch her. I wouldn't respond to her non-apology and I'd block her.

Pinkyhere · 12/09/2023 20:09

Back away from the friendship. If she makes no effort to reach out to you, you have your answer. If she does get in touch then you can decide if you really miss the friendship or not.
She sounds a bit envious and very judgmental.
Who needs to be snapped at?
I get that friendships are precious but she has been unkind. You don't need that

starrylights · 12/09/2023 20:18

I would ask her what her intention was, see what she comes back with and if she is able to self reflect at all (I sense not).

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 12/09/2023 20:26

I wouldn't bother.

I'd just reply Thank you

And then block any avenue of communication.

She has her own demons and is using you as her whipping post.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 12/09/2023 20:28

When you say she's been a good friend, what exactly do you mean by that? From what you've told us you used to enjoy her company. That's not necessarily a friend, more a friendly acquaintance. Did she give any emotional support that friends typically do?

givemeasunnyday · 12/09/2023 20:52

ohdamnitjanet · 12/09/2023 18:53

It sounds like you have a very nice life with some lovely friends, she doesn’t seem to be adding much to it. I wouldn’t bother to reply, ever.

Couldn't have put it better myself. I would simply ignore her message and not bother contacting her. This is not friendship, and I agree with pps that she is possibly jealous of you and your other friends.

Life's too short to put up with this sort of nonsense.

ItstimeToMoveagain · 12/09/2023 20:57

Just tell her she hasn't upset you, you just found her message really bloody weird!

I have a friend like her, well I did her behaviour and jealousy got worse so I don't bother with her anymore

FofB · 12/09/2023 21:00

Do you think it's good for your anxiety to be in contact with someone like that? Here's what you have learnt- she's judging the way you live your life. Have a good long thought about how a relationship is going to look like in the future- everything you say is going to have this in the background.

So you either confront her and make her back down and apologise- and see your point of view. Or leave her be and focus on the other friends you have.

Gwendimarco · 12/09/2023 21:04

My advice above is just to ignore, and I stand by that.

However if you do genuinely feel the friendship is worth saving (because after all nine of are perfect and we all have our twatty moments) you could tell her you’ve a bottle of wine to drink up and suggest bringing it round to hers so you can talk it out together.

Might turn into one of those nights where she opens up, cries, apologises, and you leave feeling you understand each other a little better.

Only you know if this is likely and / or worth the hassle.

StoneWitch · 12/09/2023 21:05

She sounds bitter and jealous.

FakeFool · 12/09/2023 21:14

Do you have other people in your life who treat you like that?

Verystressedsenmum · 12/09/2023 21:15

I think you need to be more assertive because if anyone sent me a message like that it would what the f* got to do with you and mind your own business. Honestly what the he’ll has it got to do with her what you do ? She’s one of those people that unless you like or dislike everything she does your doing it wrong she can’t comprehend that everyone enjoys different things . Tell her to do one

determinedtomakethiswork · 12/09/2023 21:19

Her only intention was to upset and hurt you. I just wouldn't reply ever again.

autienotnaughty · 12/09/2023 21:30

I think she compares herself to you and is perhaps annoyed at your ease socially

NotMyFinestMoment · 12/09/2023 21:33

She's jealous. She sounds overly invested in what you are doing with your life, because she is probably lacking somewhere within her own life. I would draw a line under that relationship as she is not your friend.

Twiglets1 · 12/09/2023 21:37

I would reply and be honest that she really hurt your feelings. If she is a genuine friend she will genuinely apologise at that point.

Rewis · 12/09/2023 21:46

She's upset because you like to meet up with friends? And she feels superior because she preferes to he home alone?

Rubiconmango · 12/09/2023 21:47

OP, this friendship expired the minute it's survival started to piggy back on your efforts initiating things, and tolerance to her BS! She sounds miserable and while she may act like her life is glamorous travelling; she's clearly envious of your regular close to home (most likely) more tangible and genuine friendships of depth.

I've known people like your friend. And while they may seem to be 'living the life of travel meeting people', they have an emptiness and loneliness that lingers in the background. The type of emptiness that is filled with having meaningful relationships and friendships NEARBY.

Stop chasing a friendship this volatile. She wants you to break it off, so she can justify in her mind why the friendship ended. "I didn't do anything wrong, and shouldn't have to end the friendship" is not the hill to die on. Lighten your load and invest your efforts where they are lovingly and respectfully reciprocated.

While it's amazing to have life long friendships, we have to accept that sometimes friendships are for a season (however many years) and some friendships wither, and rekindle down the line by fate. Don't hold onto something that hurts your hand!

I'd send her a follow up text to the effect of "Your text has really caught me off guard and I have to be honest with myself and you. I've been feeling for a while x y z, but because I've always valued our friendship, I've overlooked these. However, your message was intentionally hurtful, and has made me realise, I'm holding onto a friendship that isn't mutually respectful and we're no longer on the same page, and haven't been for a while. I cherish the memories we have made, and value the experiences we have shared, but respectfully, I think our friendship has ran it's course. And while I will always remain amicable if we do bump into each other (and can only hope this is mutual), I can't justify staying friends when you have so explicitly sent me a hurtful text message passing judgement on my lifestyle without any hesitation, and unwarranted. I have never judged your way of life and so, did not see that coming, considering the history of out friendship. If you could please respectfully not send me more hurtful messages to one up me. I need my own space now and to move past the hurt you've caused and accept the loss of our friendship. I wish you well xx"

This isn't about ego OP. But you need to exercise some will and self respect here. No friendship should require a one way transaction of tolerance to what you have been tolerating.

TrackerBar · 12/09/2023 21:48

I would be pressing the block button before I had even finished reading a message like that.