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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset over a friend's upsetting message to me

163 replies

pussinboots61 · 12/09/2023 18:05

I feel really upset. One of my friends, who I've been close to for a few years now, has upset me and I am having difficulty moving on from it. She's always been a straight to the point, outspoken person but with a good sense of humour and we've always got on.

However recently she's been very critical of my lifestyle. We are both divorced and live alone. She likes to be at home, I like to be out and socialising. She does, however, love her holidays abroad and met some people last year on holiday when she went on her own, they live in another city and she has been going away with them ever since and is quite fussy with them. I don't comment on this and am glad she is getting the holidays she wants. We did go away together on a five day trip together in March this year and she was a bit snappy with me then but I let it ride.

She's always having digs about me liking to meet friends for lunch and coffees and for going for coffees on my own. We both meet up sometimes, which is more often initiated by me, she has one coffee and then goes early.

Anyway on Sunday I received a normal friendly message from her in the morning saying she was glad I had had a nice day meeting some friends on Saturday as we had discussed it the night before. I mentioned in my response that one of my friends had offered for her and her partner to take me out with them one Sunday as I don't have transport and I said how nice it would be.

Well the same afternoon I received a message from her out of the blue, the whole message was criticsing me, accusing me of not being able to go out without waiting to be invited by people, that I am not an independent woman at all and need to lean on people and that she can't understand me. That she is so different, she likes having friends but can do anything on her own and even had a go at me because I had complained about a bus route near me, and in the past we have complained about the buses together and even had a laugh about it. She was scathing and said what has the bus timetable got to do with me and its not just worse for me.

I was very upset and it knocked me back. I do have depression and anxiety and it set me back. I waited until I had calmed down and prepared a carefully thought out reply, being polite but assertive, explaining to her that I do go out on my own but also like to socialise with others and that I can't see this as being anything out of the ordinary and am upset and puzzled as to why she has an issue with this. I received a one line reply this morning saying that if she has upset me it wasn't intended. Is that an apology? Where do I go from here? Had she made a sarcastic remark within a friendly message I could tolerate it more but this was a message totally aimed at hurting me I feel.

Should I reply and let it go now and ignore her? I don't want to lose her friendship if I'm honest.

OP posts:
Bicking · 12/09/2023 18:54

I'd ghost her tbh

UpaladderwatchingTV · 12/09/2023 18:54

I'm afraid I said you are BU OP, but simply because you don't want to ditch this woman, who enjoys picking in holes in you. Friends don't do this even if they are people who are forthright, they generally tell you if they feel you've done something stupid or wrong in their opinion, right away, rather than saving up 'offences' to upset you with in one big hit. I think you'd be better off without this woman in your life, especially if you are suffering from anxiety and depression.

AliceOlive · 12/09/2023 18:54

She’s an unhappy person. I would not reply. Probably ever.

WunWun · 12/09/2023 18:56

What she said isn't an apology at all and if you want to continue the friendship I think you would be shooting yourself in the foot to let this go.

Greensleeves · 12/09/2023 18:57

Maybe she's lonely, envious of your social skills and feels threatened by you having more interactions and friendships with others than her? Either way, the message was vicious and you don't have to put up with that shit. I would distance myself completely, and only consider reconciling if she apologises in such a way that she recognises how horrible she's been and explains what was going on in her mind to make her behave so badly.

AliceOlive · 12/09/2023 18:57

Does she drink?

PrestonHood121 · 12/09/2023 18:58

Tell her "I have no clue what you are going on about but whatever the point of all that was, I don't have time for it." And then leave her to it.

dontgobaconmyheart · 12/09/2023 18:58

Perhaps regardless of what she says about the matter, she privately struggles with making new friends or socialising and hearing you (seemingly) sail through it and get offers to socialise out of the blue feels (in her mind) as though it's being rubbed in or is a reminder that these things don't seem to happen for her.

Ultimately by your description of her it sounds like she is the one who relies on others to socialise or holiday and then when she is doing it it isn't necessarily enjoyable to her for whatever reason, you have to wonder if there is some projection there. If there isn't then none of it really makes sense - socialising/holidaying/going out are very normal past times, equally lots of people prefer their own company and don't want to do that; neither one is better than the other and the principle point of it all is to do what you enjoy and what makes you happy. She doesn't sound particularly happy.

CaroleSinger · 12/09/2023 19:00

Nothing you say about the way she speaks to you is what most people would want in a friend. It's almost like you've been conditioned to accept her bullying and nastiness as friendship. It really isn't friendship. You deserve better.

ColloidalSliver · 12/09/2023 19:00

I voted YABU, but only for giving this any headspace.

See old friends. Make new ones. Enjoy your own company. Do any of these, but don't bother with this non-friend. Just ignore her message and don't have anything further to do with her.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 12/09/2023 19:00

Don't reply and don't suggest meeting again. It sounds as if you get on each others nerves, and once that happens it's better to just call it a day.

BetterWithPockets · 12/09/2023 19:06

I wouldn’t reply either, OP; I’d just leave it and let her make the next move, if she’s so inclined. It sounds to me (and I realise I’m not the first poster to say this) that she might be a bit jealous of you — that people will go out of their way for you (eg, inviting you out for lunch with them & their partner). Or perhaps she’s terrified of not being seen as independent, and somehow you being sociable triggers something for her. Either way (and you may never know what it is, of course), it’s her problem, not yours — and up to her to make it up to you if she values the friendship.

ohboohoo · 12/09/2023 19:06

I'm not sure I would bother with ever speaking with her again but if you do you could calmly point out that minute scrutiny and critiquing of someone else's character and social life is very peculiar, inappropriate and frankly a little unhinged and you find it hard to reconcile that very unacceptable behaviour from a friend so perhaps she would like to look at why she felt the need to do this. Perhaps some quiet self reflection on her part would be in order.

itsmylife7 · 12/09/2023 19:06

It sounds like she has contempt for you OP.

She really isn't a friend to you at all.

FlatTopBarberShop · 12/09/2023 19:06

If you continue the "friendship" after this, be aware that she will repeatedly treat you like shit. Because she's a bully and she thinks she's found somebody who will tolerate her abuse.

Honestly, I would block her.

ConstitutionHill · 12/09/2023 19:07

Well done you for sending a considered but assertive reply.

I would go completely quiet on her and get on with my life and better friends. If she ever did get in contact again I would bring it up and ask her what her message was really all about. Something wrong in her life most likely. I wouldn't just skate over it.

OhYetAnotherBrickInTheWall · 12/09/2023 19:11

AliceOlive · 12/09/2023 18:57

Does she drink?

My first thought too.

Plus, she’s deeply insecure. Normally one feels empathy for insecure friends but there is a line and she has crossed it. Bitter jealousy is so deeply unattractive in a person.

I wouldn’t dignify her last text with a response.

To use a MN cliche, you can do better (with your friends) OP.

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 12/09/2023 19:24

She sounds insecure and very jealous. She's been stewing on this for a while and it sounds as though she wants to prove she's more independent. Or she doesn't want you to do well as it makes need feel better.

It doesn't make sense, you said you go for coffees alone. I would ignore, she has a superiority complex.

Clarinet1 · 12/09/2023 19:24

I think part of a good friend is being happy and supportive in what the other person does whether or not you are the same - have they achieved something at work? Gone on a hiking holiday in the alps (when you can hardly climb two flights of stairs)? Spent time on a hobby you don’t share? Show support and interest and be glad if they’ve had a good time. This friend doesn’t seem to do this.
Also, if she’s actually running you down, why would she want to maintain contact?
It sounds to me as though you have
other, nicer friends.

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 12/09/2023 19:26

Whenever I feel irritated or snidey about a friend or associate, (unless there is a genuine and good reason) I have a hard think about why, and it’s nearly always down to jealousy on my part or the fact that they make me feel insecure some way. I suspect you are raising these feelings in her somehow and rather than being self reflective about it, she is ‘blaming’ you.

If you think that is what’s going on with her you could suggest it to her and see what her reaction is (not that you are making her feel jealous but maybe she isn’t happy with herself and is projecting it onto you?). I think at this point you have nothing left to lose? Hopefully you’ll get an apology and be able to move on, if not, at least you’ll know you tried. Best of luck.

toomuchforonewoman · 12/09/2023 19:28

No, that was mean and it was unnecessary. She sent it to hurt you. I'd bin her jealous hole.

coolkatt · 12/09/2023 19:30

she thinks she's waaayyyyyyy better than you, and doesn't even hide the fact she's looking down her nose at u. do yourself a big favour. get rid of her. she's not a real friend. friends don't care if their friends do things different. it's all about care and respect. and ur friend has none of it for you. be a better friend to yourself. you don't need folk like her bringing u down. what a cow.

Terrribletwos · 12/09/2023 19:32

Well there you go. From what you've said she's not your friend, it's perfectly obvious as you have intimated yourself, it's a losing battle. Bow out!

Beautiful3 · 12/09/2023 19:34

She doesn't want you to go out with them, she's mad. Ignore her because she isn't being a good friend to you.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 12/09/2023 19:36

It's not coincidence that you said you were invited out for the day, then she said this. She is obviously jealous, either of your having friends to ask you out, or you going out with others . Maybe both. I'd have had to reply with how transparent she is and leave it at that.