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Original poster

To be upset over a friend's upsetting message to me

163 replies

pussinboots61 · 12/09/2023 18:05

I feel really upset. One of my friends, who I've been close to for a few years now, has upset me and I am having difficulty moving on from it. She's always been a straight to the point, outspoken person but with a good sense of humour and we've always got on.

However recently she's been very critical of my lifestyle. We are both divorced and live alone. She likes to be at home, I like to be out and socialising. She does, however, love her holidays abroad and met some people last year on holiday when she went on her own, they live in another city and she has been going away with them ever since and is quite fussy with them. I don't comment on this and am glad she is getting the holidays she wants. We did go away together on a five day trip together in March this year and she was a bit snappy with me then but I let it ride.

She's always having digs about me liking to meet friends for lunch and coffees and for going for coffees on my own. We both meet up sometimes, which is more often initiated by me, she has one coffee and then goes early.

Anyway on Sunday I received a normal friendly message from her in the morning saying she was glad I had had a nice day meeting some friends on Saturday as we had discussed it the night before. I mentioned in my response that one of my friends had offered for her and her partner to take me out with them one Sunday as I don't have transport and I said how nice it would be.

Well the same afternoon I received a message from her out of the blue, the whole message was criticsing me, accusing me of not being able to go out without waiting to be invited by people, that I am not an independent woman at all and need to lean on people and that she can't understand me. That she is so different, she likes having friends but can do anything on her own and even had a go at me because I had complained about a bus route near me, and in the past we have complained about the buses together and even had a laugh about it. She was scathing and said what has the bus timetable got to do with me and its not just worse for me.

I was very upset and it knocked me back. I do have depression and anxiety and it set me back. I waited until I had calmed down and prepared a carefully thought out reply, being polite but assertive, explaining to her that I do go out on my own but also like to socialise with others and that I can't see this as being anything out of the ordinary and am upset and puzzled as to why she has an issue with this. I received a one line reply this morning saying that if she has upset me it wasn't intended. Is that an apology? Where do I go from here? Had she made a sarcastic remark within a friendly message I could tolerate it more but this was a message totally aimed at hurting me I feel.

Should I reply and let it go now and ignore her? I don't want to lose her friendship if I'm honest.

OP posts:
angelfacecuti75 · 13/09/2023 19:24

My reply would be "oh nevermind the world will still go round & the sun will come up tomorrow" e.g. "I dunno what you are worried about , I am not! /sod off and stop being a bitch".
It does not matter what she thinks you are. It matters what u think u r. Bin her.

MrsLighthouse · 13/09/2023 19:30

I can’t be in any friendship that makes me feel unsafe. She’s attacked you once…don’t give her another opportunity. For someone with anxiety and depression, your lifestyle sounds lovely. You’ll be better off without her negativity. There’s a saying that people are in our lives for “ a reason, a season or a lifetime” . Her season’s over .

Lemmony · 13/09/2023 19:33

I'd be upset too

LadyatLady82 · 13/09/2023 19:37

Not read PPs but she’s controlling and is trying to control how you live your life!

Ellyess · 13/09/2023 19:47

pussinboots61
I'm sorry she has upset you. I think she has been unkind and it is not her business to criticise you or be so intrusive about your life. I understand that as you have known her a long time you do not want to lose her friendship, but really, do you need someone who talks to you like this? I don't think she is a friend. I think she is a bully and you, who have a gentle nature, are the exact person a bully picks on. She needs you to have a go at and make her feel big, then when she has achieved making you upset she can pretend nothing happened just to rub salt into the wound. She is manipulative.

Just stop contacting her. It might feel odd for a while, but concentrate on the other friends you have. You are clearly a well-balanced and sensible person, you are capable of going out for a coffee on your own, and you have other friends.

I dropped contact with someone I had known a long time a few months ago when their bullying and manipulation just went too far. I feel so much better now. I only think of them very occasionally now, and actually I feel so much better, much more confident and more like myself. I had not even realised how much that person had got me down until I stopped the contact.
Just take a break from her.

MaryJanesonabreak · 13/09/2023 19:50

Some people, my older sister included, weigh up everything you say as a potential insult. They are very insecure people. Be on your guard. They can be fun but they don’t have your back.

Funkyblues101 · 13/09/2023 19:59

It doesn't sound like either of you like each other so probably best not to reply and leave it at that. Life's too short to be reading into silly snipes about bus timetables (? Really ?) and surely you MUST have more interesting things to spend your time pondering.

Wally1983 · 13/09/2023 20:11

Personally her whole personality suggests to me she’s ASD. (I say this as adult son diagnosed recently this sort of thing screams him to me)
she speaks to you how she did, you do it back…” what?? It’s called socialising…” “I don’t want to go out on my own? I do it regularly!” other than that don’t entertain it! She can’t see black from white you’ve already said that which makes it all the more difficult as she genuinely won’t know she did actually upset you but she’s put it out there incase she did.
if you choose to remain friends then it’s something to consider how you’ll move forward with her and her to the point nature..

billy1966 · 13/09/2023 20:15

This woman is vicious OP.

Who the hell does she think she is.

She's a nasty bully.

Life is simply too short.

Think of the message you are sending her to allow her to text you that.

She is a nasty CF.

I would invest my time in others.

No one who genuinely cared for you or valued your friendship would dream of sending something like that.

You are making little of yourself having anything further to do with her.

Pinkl · 13/09/2023 20:33

I’d give her a very wide berth! She really doesn’t seem to have any good or kind intentions when it comes to you. If you constantly walk away from your interactions with her feel bad I’d drop her!

Greenshed · 13/09/2023 20:49

She sounds quite jealous of the life you lead and so compensates for this by these very unpleasant, cutting remarks.
I’d advise you not to get into messaging “spats” with her, but rather just quietly withdraw from her “friendship” (she’s not behaving as a true friend would). Block her and move on with your life.

Ilovecleaning · 13/09/2023 20:52

Ignore her. Cut contact. She sounds a bit of a cow tbh.

Rubix89 · 13/09/2023 21:02

Are you sure that your friend is happy to be on her own? Or is she doing more on her own through a lack of options? It’s coming across to me like she’s projecting her insecurities and unhappiness on to you. I might be wrong, but I think she might be possibly envious that you have a nice social life and people who want to spend time with you. That’s not me saying she’s a horrible person, but her behaviour just seems so… off, if you know what I mean?

Honestly, I wouldn’t even entertain her outburst. So what if you like to be around people? There’s nothing needy about enjoying other people’s company and just enjoying your life. It should have no impact on her life if she is truly happy with how her life is. If she can’t accept that you have a social life, then maybe you’re not the type of friend she needs around, if it stresses her out so much - and tell her that if she decides to speak to you like that again. This isn’t your problem. There’s nothing wrong with you.

Keeper11 · 13/09/2023 21:10

I had a friend like this who undermined and criticised me, for trivial reasons. In the end I resorted to sanitising my messages, so there was nothing for her to argue with. But what is the point? I no longer confided in her, because what ever my problem was, it was bound to be my fault. So I found myself pretending that life was just wonderful! She is no longer a friend, just someone to swap funny stories with. OP you can go down this route, or gradually drop her, but what ever you decide, you know she will not be supportive and on your side.

sunshinesky · 13/09/2023 22:51

I don’t think there’s a friendship to lose. She sounds jealous of you, build up your other friendships and try not to dwell on her nastiness.

ChellyT · 14/09/2023 06:18

The most I would reply if I had to would be...

Ouch! Who hurt you? Are you ok?

Brutalass · 14/09/2023 08:20

I'm with @Icepinkeskimo a 'friend' isn't a 'friend' if they have to totally 'assassinate' you to make themselves feel better and always be 'top dog' and just occasionally throw you a biscuit!

Seriously she doesn't deserve your friendship. You're worthy of far much more than her scathing remarks and occasional cups of coffee and uncomfortable holidays.

Get yourself out with people who actually care and leave you with a smile on your face.

I'd ignore, ignore, IGNORE - she'll soon get the message!

custardcreme77 · 14/09/2023 08:34

The ‘friend’ thinks it’s ok for her to meet up with people and go out with them whenever she wants - but it’s not ok for you to do the same, OP?

…and she is snappy with you on occasions and doesn’t worry that she may / is upsetting you?

Some friend! A parting of the ways is in order. Dump her and spend your time doing what you want to do and with people who bring positive attributes to your life.

Annemaria · 14/09/2023 10:05

WunWun is right. We all want people to like us but this “friend” feels the need to wound. Something about you makes her want to hurt you, and in my experience it’s usually jealousy. Try not to be anxious about it ( difficult I know ) native Canadians have a word: kiam, meaning let it go. I hope you can start to forget how this person has made you feel.

stayathomer · 14/09/2023 10:10

Op is there any chance you saying you were so grateful they were taking you out came across as a dog at her for any reason? Sounds like the two of you are stuck together a bit too much. I wouldn’t reply, mumer 1 to be the bigger person and 2. She may regret it and get back to you first

lightisnotwhite · 14/09/2023 10:20

MsRosley · 13/09/2023 19:03

'Dear friend, why is my life any of your business?!?!'

I presume because they’re friends.

But actually might this not be the point the friend is raising? Maybe the Op is always talking about her independent life post divorce. Both have similar experiences and maybe the friend is just calling out the need for the Op to bang on about hers all the time.

The friend made the point that the Op is reliant on other people after the phone call where the Op seems to make a point about how much she’s going out. Maybe the Op is upset because it’s close to the mark.

Nuf · 14/09/2023 10:59

Prime opportunity for "I'm so independent that I don't care what you or anyone else thinks about how I spend my time, and don't have time for anyone who has issues with that. Have a lovely life!"

Original poster
pussinboots61 · 14/09/2023 12:47

lightisnotwhite · 14/09/2023 10:20

I presume because they’re friends.

But actually might this not be the point the friend is raising? Maybe the Op is always talking about her independent life post divorce. Both have similar experiences and maybe the friend is just calling out the need for the Op to bang on about hers all the time.

The friend made the point that the Op is reliant on other people after the phone call where the Op seems to make a point about how much she’s going out. Maybe the Op is upset because it’s close to the mark.

Show quote history

Felt the need to reply to this say this isn't the case at all. My friend always asks me what I am doing and where I've been and who with. I take it as making converstion and when I tell her what I've been doing I get the criticism,

She is always going on about the holidays she is having with her new found friends and rubbing it in, when in fact we were planning a trip away together next year which she has since cancelled in favour of going with one of her new friends.

I am not perfect believe me but I doubt I am the cause of this here.

OP posts:
Original poster
pussinboots61 · 14/09/2023 12:49

stayathomer · 14/09/2023 10:10

Op is there any chance you saying you were so grateful they were taking you out came across as a dog at her for any reason? Sounds like the two of you are stuck together a bit too much. I wouldn’t reply, mumer 1 to be the bigger person and 2. She may regret it and get back to you first

I wasn't having a dog at her at all, I was making conversation like she does when she tells me the things she is doing and I don't bite back.

OP posts:
hardboiledeggs · 14/09/2023 12:54

Wow. She's no friend. What a horrible thing to say to someone, especially unprovoked. She's likely jealous. I would not want to continue that friendship, she thinks very little of you.

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