To be upset over a friend's upsetting message to me

[pussinboots61]

I feel really upset. One of my friends, who I've been close to for a few years now, has upset me and I am having difficulty moving on from it. She's always been a straight to the point, outspoken person but with a good sense of humour and we've always got on.

However recently she's been very critical of my lifestyle. We are both divorced and live alone. She likes to be at home, I like to be out and socialising. She does, however, love her holidays abroad and met some people last year on holiday when she went on her own, they live in another city and she has been going away with them ever since and is quite fussy with them. I don't comment on this and am glad she is getting the holidays she wants. We did go away together on a five day trip together in March this year and she was a bit snappy with me then but I let it ride.

She's always having digs about me liking to meet friends for lunch and coffees and for going for coffees on my own. We both meet up sometimes, which is more often initiated by me, she has one coffee and then goes early.

Anyway on Sunday I received a normal friendly message from her in the morning saying she was glad I had had a nice day meeting some friends on Saturday as we had discussed it the night before. I mentioned in my response that one of my friends had offered for her and her partner to take me out with them one Sunday as I don't have transport and I said how nice it would be.

Well the same afternoon I received a message from her out of the blue, the whole message was criticsing me, accusing me of not being able to go out without waiting to be invited by people, that I am not an independent woman at all and need to lean on people and that she can't understand me. That she is so different, she likes having friends but can do anything on her own and even had a go at me because I had complained about a bus route near me, and in the past we have complained about the buses together and even had a laugh about it. She was scathing and said what has the bus timetable got to do with me and its not just worse for me.

I was very upset and it knocked me back. I do have depression and anxiety and it set me back. I waited until I had calmed down and prepared a carefully thought out reply, being polite but assertive, explaining to her that I do go out on my own but also like to socialise with others and that I can't see this as being anything out of the ordinary and am upset and puzzled as to why she has an issue with this. I received a one line reply this morning saying that if she has upset me it wasn't intended. Is that an apology? Where do I go from here? Had she made a sarcastic remark within a friendly message I could tolerate it more but this was a message totally aimed at hurting me I feel.

Should I reply and let it go now and ignore her? I don't want to lose her friendship if I'm honest.

@pussinboots61

I received a one line reply this morning saying that if she has upset me it wasn't intended. Is that an apology?

No OP - this isn't an apology. The wording she uses "if she has upset [you] shows you that.

The way she ridicules you isn't the action of a friend. See the actions of your other friends as an example of how to treat people - friends or not - and perhaps back away from the person who doesn't appreciate the who you are. 🌹

If this is genuinely out of the blue, this is her, not you. Something about what you said or how you said as triggered her reaction. You said it was one line in a message.

I also have friends, however, who overly rely on other people to facilitate their activities i.e. because they can't deal with time management, or under the guise of "happy to do anything" they are actually are a drain to travel with because they don't make any decisions when they are travelling, or they don't have their own transport and are not proactive about managing their own arrangements.

Regardless of what the other side of the story is, it doesn't look like you both bring the best out in each other, so its probably best to leave it. You don't sound like the best match as you are not compassionate as to why she can't do anything on her own.

So it could be one of a few things

1. She envies that people ask you out as noone asks her out, specifically
2. You "make" her feel bad about going out by herself which she is spinning as her being perfectly normal but you're the one with the problem as you can't be alone
3. She's upset that you haven't asked her out lately

But more likely, she's decided that her manner of doing things is the way it should be done and anyone who doesn't has a problem and she's trying to "teach" you... except yelling isn't the way to do that so she's just being a cow bc she knows you'll take it and if you don't, YOU took it wrong. Can't be her fault you see.

She must have been drunk or high when she sent this. Its completely irrational otherwise. Still no excuse. I'd just send an a few emojis - 🙄🖕- and then ignore any further attempts at interaction.

She's very clearly jealous of your social life.

I don't understand how in a friendship, this kind of thing is up for discussion. It's not normal. The usual response to a friend updating you on what they've been up to is something along the lines of 'that sounds lovely, did you have a nice time?'.

OP I get the impression that the more she's mean to you, the more you're trying to gain her approval - I get vibes of Gretchen and Regina from Mean Girls, here. A normal response to abnormal behaviour would not be justifying yourself, or entering into a discussion, it would be 'What on earth has gotten into you? What I choose to do with my spare time is up to me, thank you'. She sounds like a jealous boyfriend.

It sounds like she’s felt like this a while, you two are very different. She shouldn’t take it out on you for your differences but she should have moved away if she doesn’t like your company. For your part, I wouldn’t like the company of someone who felt like this about me. I’d take the message and leave this friendship. I understand it’s probably a bit of a shock at the moment. But I can’t see how this friendship is sustainable

That was not an apology. An apology would sound like this. “I’m so very sorry. I should never have written that message to you. I can only imagine how upset you are. I wish I could take it back.”

Your not losing a friendship to be honest she does not sound like a friend to me.

No one is perfect.

Everyone has to cut close friends and relatives some slack sometimes. We see the best and worst in those closest because we can be honest with each other.

I think chances are either she never really liked you but it's been brewing and now she met other people she is letting you know, or something really annoyed her (maybe trying to match your lifestyle and not succeeding) and it's all sipping out. Drop the friend, block her and move on.

I agree about the overly reliant friends.

Also I have a friend who is great company as a person. However she is also a bit of a user in terms of friendships. Whenever we go out it’s always her that benefits a little bit more. So I’ll have to drive, she’ll chose the venue, she’ll want ( expensive) drinks and food and she’ll cancel last minute if she doesn’t fancy it.
My friend will also say she’s suffered with depression for many years. It’s impossible to tell it has any negative impact though. She lives a great life, lots of friends, filled with her own interests. She doesn’t have to work and because she looks after number one, has done pretty well. It sounds like jealously when I talk about her but it’s more that she frames herself as unwell with the problems that go alongside, when the reality is she’s got life exactly the way she wants it.

It was just a thought that possibly you came across to her as someone like this? It seems a bit weird that she likes to go abroad with relative strangers but struggles to have more than a cup of coffee out with you as her friend. What does she get and how would the friendship continue if you didn’t do the work?

No. This isn't a case of someone just being a bit off one day. Some friends aren't really friends.

This i think.

Ignore her and forget her. Trust me I have been there with a similar scenario. She’s not a good friend at all. You can carry on living your life as you please. Don’t let anyone criticise you like that again.

She doesn't sound like a very good friend at all.

You're a sociable person who likes meeting up with friends and getting out and about, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! You're clearly independent and you're living your life in a way that suits you. Your friend has absolutely no business telling you what you should or shouldn't be doing with your spare time.

It sounds to me like she's insecure and projecting all her issues on to you to make herself feel superior. She sounds quite bitter, actually.

I know you say that you don't want to lose her friendship, but honestly, sometimes friends just drift apart and I think you'd be better off without her in your life. She's making you feel miserable and that isn't what friends are meant to do.

I think I would just stop initiating contact with her and ignore any further messages. I know it's hard when friendships end, but look at this way - you had some fun times with her but sometimes friendships, like any other relationship, just run their course and you can move on with no regrets.

Sounds like she had been ruminating on this. That's what lead to the latest message. She sounds jealous for blizzare reasons. I would step back and make new supportive friends

Instead of cutting her some slack I think OP should cut her out completely.

She's not a friend. ☹️ no-one who had someone's best interests would start attacking their character like that.

She's a nasty piece of work, best avoided.

Sorry. 😞 But people like that can erode your self confidence so much that it's not worth risking it.

She is one of those vile people who try to make herself feel big by making you feel small. I am very clear cut with these kind of people and cut them out of my life. Life is too short to deal with crap like this.

She's jealous.

Surely when you read your post you can see how unhinged she is? She gets angry and abusive because you- heaven forbid- enjoy having coffee and lunch with friends? And you
must be good company to be invited away by your other-sane-mates?
You are little more than her punching bag and you’re been rolling over and taking it.
This is a toxic “friendship “. PLEASE DROP HER.

😂😂😂 jealousy is a terrible thing OP! She’s upset you have so many friends and are regularly asked out to join them and have a good time. I suspect she doesn’t have the same and riles her, but then, with an attitude like she has I am hardly surprised. This a ‘friendship’ best left in the dust!!!

She has absolutely no self awareness or understanding relationships if she thought she could just sound off about how she sees you and how she thinks you ought to behave (according to her) without some form of upset or anger.

What would happen if you reciprocated with similar? "Interesting you think that - I find you frequently snappy, very critical, opinionated and never able to admit that you might be wrong"

I am not suggesting you do this - but just wondering how she would respond?

If you want to remain friends with her, I would prepare a list of brush offs and buffers. "Yes, I daresay that is your opinion. Oh well" "That was very critical" "Did you mean that to sound so critical?" "We'll have to agree to disagree on that" "So you say. It isn't something I want to pursue". Imagine you have a force field around you and her stupid bluntness just bounces right off. Actually picture this in your mind's eye.

Honestly - I would be saying "Don't be ridiculous" to her when she sounds off unreasonably. Or "you are often extremely hurtful - are you aware of that? "

Anyway - bottom line, it's not you, it's her, so don't take it to heart.

But I do wonder why you are friends and if you feel she is as good a friend to you as you are to her?

'Dear friend, why is my life any of your business?!?!'

Call her on her remarks. You obviously value your relationship, but I would firmly let her know that you didn't appreciate her message, and actually found it hurtful. Her reaction to that will tell you all you need to know.