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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset over a friend's upsetting message to me

163 replies

pussinboots61 · 12/09/2023 18:05

I feel really upset. One of my friends, who I've been close to for a few years now, has upset me and I am having difficulty moving on from it. She's always been a straight to the point, outspoken person but with a good sense of humour and we've always got on.

However recently she's been very critical of my lifestyle. We are both divorced and live alone. She likes to be at home, I like to be out and socialising. She does, however, love her holidays abroad and met some people last year on holiday when she went on her own, they live in another city and she has been going away with them ever since and is quite fussy with them. I don't comment on this and am glad she is getting the holidays she wants. We did go away together on a five day trip together in March this year and she was a bit snappy with me then but I let it ride.

She's always having digs about me liking to meet friends for lunch and coffees and for going for coffees on my own. We both meet up sometimes, which is more often initiated by me, she has one coffee and then goes early.

Anyway on Sunday I received a normal friendly message from her in the morning saying she was glad I had had a nice day meeting some friends on Saturday as we had discussed it the night before. I mentioned in my response that one of my friends had offered for her and her partner to take me out with them one Sunday as I don't have transport and I said how nice it would be.

Well the same afternoon I received a message from her out of the blue, the whole message was criticsing me, accusing me of not being able to go out without waiting to be invited by people, that I am not an independent woman at all and need to lean on people and that she can't understand me. That she is so different, she likes having friends but can do anything on her own and even had a go at me because I had complained about a bus route near me, and in the past we have complained about the buses together and even had a laugh about it. She was scathing and said what has the bus timetable got to do with me and its not just worse for me.

I was very upset and it knocked me back. I do have depression and anxiety and it set me back. I waited until I had calmed down and prepared a carefully thought out reply, being polite but assertive, explaining to her that I do go out on my own but also like to socialise with others and that I can't see this as being anything out of the ordinary and am upset and puzzled as to why she has an issue with this. I received a one line reply this morning saying that if she has upset me it wasn't intended. Is that an apology? Where do I go from here? Had she made a sarcastic remark within a friendly message I could tolerate it more but this was a message totally aimed at hurting me I feel.

Should I reply and let it go now and ignore her? I don't want to lose her friendship if I'm honest.

OP posts:
StorminanDcup · 12/09/2023 21:48

I would suspect she is projecting OP.

Someone who is happy and satisfied with their own life, including their social life absolutely does not feel the need to offer unsolicited opinions and criticism of anyone else’s life.

Sounds like deep down she is jealous or resents your ability to socialise, whether she actually wants to do it herself is besides the point. She is telling herself (probably trying to convince herself) that she’s happy and that the way she lives her life (limited social interaction and not having many people to rely on / call upon) is the right way. Whereas maybe she doesn’t have much choice and she’s projecting envy and anger towards you.

Id be wanting an explanation and an apology. Unsolicited criticism is not supportive friendship.

Mariposista · 12/09/2023 22:05

Anyone who snapped at me EVER, but particularly on holiday, would be blocked and deleted faster than you can say bye bye, hasta never!

ClusterFukt · 12/09/2023 22:16

With respect OP you need to stop being a doormat to this person. She is categorically not your friend, it seems like she keeps you around to be a bit of a punching bag for her when the need arises. She’s critical, self righteous and downright fucking rude. Not a friend. You can 💯 do better.

LusaBatoosa · 12/09/2023 22:20

How spectacularly odd.

How was your response to her not along the lines of ‘why do you care about who I have coffee with, you massive weirdo?’ As that’s what it should have been.

And what are you upset about? A strange woman thinks you like to socialise. She might think that’s a negative, but she’s clearly quite mad, so meh. Drop her and continue to live your best life.

Marmalady75 · 12/09/2023 22:24

Ditch the bitch! She is not your friend

Hibiscrubbed · 12/09/2023 22:32

You don’t dignify her message with a reply. Ignore her. The friendship is over. She’s frankly, nuts.

declutteringmymind · 12/09/2023 22:35

If you care about her, then perhaps respond with : that was really unkind of you, are you ok? And if she says more of the same then bye bye.

N27 · 12/09/2023 22:43

I don’t think this is a friend that you should keep however I would start by sending her a simple response saying that if the intention was not to upset you then what was the intention in sending the message? Let her Ty and worm her way out of it

72EasyLessons · 12/09/2023 22:48

What is baffling to me is the extent to which you seem to want to retain a friendship with someone who, quite apart from this message, you describe as regularly ‘critical’ and ‘snappy’ with you.

Who needs that shit?

magicintheair · 12/09/2023 22:49

"In you go 🗑️ "
... would be my response

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 12/09/2023 22:53

You mention your relationship is a few years old: she's a drama llama who kindles relationships in order to thrive on the adrenaline of dropping a bomb on them and enjoying the fall out. Starve her of a response.

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 12/09/2023 22:54

I would block her, she sounds like an arsehole

Tonight1 · 12/09/2023 23:05

🤷‍♀️ it was nice of your friends to offer to take you out, can't understand how anyone would have an issue with that.

One of my friends is a real jetsetter whereas I don't like to leave my County, but she just makes me smile. It makes her happy.

Your friend sounds a bit twisted if she's criticising your life

squashi · 12/09/2023 23:12

She sounds jealous of you. If you want to hold onto the friendship, I guess you need to try and change the way you respond to her, ignoring her when she has a dig and trying not to put yourself in a position where you're asking for something from her. However, I'd want to reply to her shitty message by briefly confirming that yes, she did upset you, then leaving the ball in her court.

LetMeEnfoldYou · 12/09/2023 23:13

N27 · 12/09/2023 22:43

I don’t think this is a friend that you should keep however I would start by sending her a simple response saying that if the intention was not to upset you then what was the intention in sending the message? Let her Ty and worm her way out of it

There's no point with these people.

It just gives them an in to say 'god I was only kidding stop being such a bore/so sensitive' etc.

I wouldn't dream to texting anyone just to slag them off, let alone a lifelong friend

SleepPrettyDarling · 12/09/2023 23:22

I think she might be projecting but in a different way: she has decided how to live her life post-divorce, and thinks her way is the right way. Perhaps she sees her (as she sees it) independence as being a position of strength, and has decided your way of life is somehow ‘dependent’ - which is totally wrong, of course. Is she generally an ‘always right’ person? Though what on earth needled her to attack you, I have no idea. But she clearly intended to rattle you, which is horrible 💐. Maybe she is jealous, and she doesn’t realise it.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2023 23:26

What. A. Cunt.

She's no friend, op, and I know how hard that is to accept. Some friendships must come to an end. This is one of them.

CherryMaDeara · 12/09/2023 23:38

She’s yet another person who has got used to saying anything she wants with no pushback.

If you want to keep this friendship (I wouldn’t) you need to learn to change your approach with her.

‘You can’t go out without waiting to be invited by people, you are not an independent woman at all and need to lean on people and I can't understand you.

You answer: Luckily I have lots of lovely friends who like to invite me to lots of places so I have the choice of being independent or leaning on people. You don’t need to understand it, it doesn’t affect you.

I am so different, I like having friends but can do anything on my own

You answer: I don’t recall you going on holiday on your own for a few years now, it’s nice doing things with other people isn’t it?

She made a dig the other day about me going out for a meals with friends so I just asked her nicely if she has lunch with these friends of hers when she goes away with them and her reply was 'Yes, but only because we have to eat'.

Well done on that one! 🤣 What a twat she is.

jazzyfips · 12/09/2023 23:43

I’d bin her off. She sounds like a complete energy vampire.

Thedogscollar · 13/09/2023 00:08

Hi @pussinboots61
You said it's a losing battle
A true friendship should not be this hard.
If it were me this "friendship" would be over. You sound too nice to be putting up with this nastiness.

SheerLucks · 13/09/2023 00:17

Cripes. Both of you need to get a life. This reads like a novel from the 1920s!

TottenhamGirl · 13/09/2023 01:40

She sounds like a bit of a frienemy. It sounds a bit like projection, or even a bit of the green eyed monster. Maybe she has to do things independently because she has less friends than you because she’s so bloody opinionated!

Stay friends maybe, but try to have a jokey response ready for her like …. Oh! 🤔 I don’t actually remember asking for your opinion, or Did you know that unsolicited advice is actually criticism?

she doesn’t sound all bad, but maybe a bit of a bully. You sound very sweet and kind, but in my experience bullies will back off and have more respect for you if you stand up to them.

HamBone · 13/09/2023 01:55

I would be very brief in my response: “I won’t be spoken to like that.”

Then block her. No one should speak to you like that, OP, it’s appalling.

TrishM80 · 13/09/2023 02:16

Ignore the "advice" on here from people telling you to reply to her asking her this and that. That'll only feed her ego.

There's a massive power imbalance in your "friendship". She obviously has a deep seated resentment of you and sees you as a soft touch and emotional punchbag, and you let her. Don't be conned by the fact that you "have a laugh" together, many abusers can turn on the charm as and when they need.

Do not respond, just block her. You have other, better friends. She can fuck off.

Tambatamba · 13/09/2023 02:24

She's a bitch. She is not a friend. She bashes you and bullies you so that she can feel superior about herself.

Anyone who makes you feel worse after an interaction should be binned. You don't need her at all. I would block her.