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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset over a friend's upsetting message to me

163 replies

pussinboots61 · 12/09/2023 18:05

I feel really upset. One of my friends, who I've been close to for a few years now, has upset me and I am having difficulty moving on from it. She's always been a straight to the point, outspoken person but with a good sense of humour and we've always got on.

However recently she's been very critical of my lifestyle. We are both divorced and live alone. She likes to be at home, I like to be out and socialising. She does, however, love her holidays abroad and met some people last year on holiday when she went on her own, they live in another city and she has been going away with them ever since and is quite fussy with them. I don't comment on this and am glad she is getting the holidays she wants. We did go away together on a five day trip together in March this year and she was a bit snappy with me then but I let it ride.

She's always having digs about me liking to meet friends for lunch and coffees and for going for coffees on my own. We both meet up sometimes, which is more often initiated by me, she has one coffee and then goes early.

Anyway on Sunday I received a normal friendly message from her in the morning saying she was glad I had had a nice day meeting some friends on Saturday as we had discussed it the night before. I mentioned in my response that one of my friends had offered for her and her partner to take me out with them one Sunday as I don't have transport and I said how nice it would be.

Well the same afternoon I received a message from her out of the blue, the whole message was criticsing me, accusing me of not being able to go out without waiting to be invited by people, that I am not an independent woman at all and need to lean on people and that she can't understand me. That she is so different, she likes having friends but can do anything on her own and even had a go at me because I had complained about a bus route near me, and in the past we have complained about the buses together and even had a laugh about it. She was scathing and said what has the bus timetable got to do with me and its not just worse for me.

I was very upset and it knocked me back. I do have depression and anxiety and it set me back. I waited until I had calmed down and prepared a carefully thought out reply, being polite but assertive, explaining to her that I do go out on my own but also like to socialise with others and that I can't see this as being anything out of the ordinary and am upset and puzzled as to why she has an issue with this. I received a one line reply this morning saying that if she has upset me it wasn't intended. Is that an apology? Where do I go from here? Had she made a sarcastic remark within a friendly message I could tolerate it more but this was a message totally aimed at hurting me I feel.

Should I reply and let it go now and ignore her? I don't want to lose her friendship if I'm honest.

OP posts:
PoppyFleur · 14/09/2023 13:02

Is she actually a little jealous of your busy social life? If she is a bit of a prickly person people may struggle to gel with her.

Don’t respond to her text, just leave things to cool down a little.

stayathomer · 14/09/2023 13:31

Sorry dog was go and mumer was number! Ah hopefully it gets sorted out, she may just be having a bad time at the mo or something x

ThomasHardyPerennial · 14/09/2023 13:50

What is enjoyable about spending time with someone who constantly makes digs at you? Doesn't sound like she values you at all, it sounds like you are her punching bag.

HamBone · 14/09/2023 14:09

What have you decided to do, OP?

As I said upthread, I’d personally tell her that I won’t be spoken to like that and stop texting.

Defiantjazz · 14/09/2023 14:28

It sounds like she has a chip on her shoulder about something. She could be jealous of/threatened by you being more actively social?

Tell her to pack it in and if she doesn’t/can’t understand then maybe time to distance yourself as they say.

AmIEnough · 14/09/2023 17:06

It sounds to me as though she is projecting her own insecurities on to you, and is actually jealous of your ability to socialise more easily than she does. I would say this is borne out of jealousy. Don’t reply, just ignore and wait until the dust has settled. She may or may not contact you, but I think you should wait for her to make the first move, as she has been very unkind and has not treated you as a friend should. It very much depends on how much you value her existence in your life as to whether you choose to let this go or at least have a conversation with her about it in the future. Wishing you all the best

lightisnotwhite · 14/09/2023 17:50

@pussinboots61 Ah well in that case she is just being nasty.

Address it. Ask her why she is being unkind. Tell her that if she can’t talk to you without criticism you rather she didn’t talk to you at all.

pussinboots61 · 14/09/2023 18:50

HamBone · 14/09/2023 14:09

What have you decided to do, OP?

As I said upthread, I’d personally tell her that I won’t be spoken to like that and stop texting.

I have left it since I replied in the first place. I've not heard anything from her yet which speaks volumes I feel.

OP posts:
HamBone · 14/09/2023 19:04

Oh dear. It really does. I’m sorry she’s being such a bad friend. 💐

Empressofall · 14/09/2023 19:17

She isn't a friend. Drop her and enjoy your life.

DaNcInGtEqUiLaCaT · 16/09/2023 10:28

I think you tell her too much. Keep the information about what you are doing to yourself and just change the subject.
I had a friend like this. She went out and about with others but was very jealous if socialised without her. I just stopped inviting her.

JackandJo · 18/09/2023 12:30

She is jealous because you have more friends and a better social life End of.

Why are you even justifying her email with an answer ? How dare she judge you like that?

You have other friends see them instead.

LittleMissSunshiner · 28/11/2023 00:56

Sorry OP, she is not your friend. Maybe she was and something shifted. Maybe she's struggling with mental health difficulties and / or has changed for some reason? Who knows.

But you are not her 'whipping boy' and you deserve dignity and respect in a friendship not some strange lengthy telling off.

I wouldn't even fall out with her or have a confrontation, I'd just mentally move her out into the orbit of your life and leave her there. If she comes to you to try and resolve the issue, just keep it simple and non dramatic and tell her the lengthy detailed critique of your way of being was unnecessary and really odd and so you'd probably think the friendships not got any grounds to continue. See what she says?

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