To be scared of my nearly 6 year old?

[itsreallymylife]

Dd is nearly 6 and her behaviour seems to get worse every day, she has angry outbursts multiple times a day and hits and screams.
She's recently discovered the F word and repeats it and screams it at everyone, no amount of discipline seems to work in fact the more I try the more she fights.
She's not an only child I but she is the youngest and the others are not like this.
She deliberately urinated on the kitchen rug last night because she wanted to play a board game one time after I'd said that's the last game.

She literally won't let anything go she had just smashed the twister board over my head and hit her sister until I peeled her off because I said she wont play if she keeps swearing now she is screaming at the top of her voice and swearing repeatedly.
She's just hit her sister again and is now kicking the lounge door.
This is every day as soon as I get her from school, she won't go to bed or do anything I ask and I have no way of controlling her.
Dh tries but she is exactly the same with him.
She can scream relentlessly for ages and ages and won't be soothed or she'll lash out.
How am I meant to manage her?

Think you should look for patterns. Like is she the same when the school
holidays are on? I recognise some of the behaviour with my own child. She is very black and white. Will take us all to our absolute limit and then turn around at the end and be ok - like someone flips a switch. It can be an absolute nightmare. Our school recommended using a trampoline, to help them unwind after masking all day at school. Could she do some kind of physical activity to get some of the angst out? Then I’d try making very strict boundaries. This helped us anyway. She is normally ok when in a routine. Might be something to introduce.

hope you find your way anyway. It can be so overwhelming. Can someone give you and the other half a night off? Like grandparent so you can recuperate ? Might also be telling to see if she behaves like that infront of others.

This sounds like ADHD and PDA (Demand avoidence) she is most likely masking at school and having this meltdown at the place she feels safe (home) after a whole day of masking it can be very overwhelming. OP see if you can get her on the waiting list to be assest, the bigger she gets the worse and more vilent these meltdowns will get, i have a 15 year old daughter with ADHD, PDA and Autism and when she was in the wrong school masking all day she would come home and have a huge meltdowns. Make sure you film everything as evidence for a assessment.

I’ve not read the replies but saw she returns to normal after the outburst.

it sounds like they really need to decompress after school. My friends son comes home, they barely speak to him, he has Icecream (sensory calming food) and time with his iPad. They leave him alone. It gives him time to decompress after masking all day at school.

is there anything that you can do to help your child decompress? They are clearly so over whelmed, they won’t be able to make choices or know what they want or need to do. Some kids sit on the toilet with their iPad. Some curl up under a weighted blanket, others need to run around or spin.

it might take a while to figure out what they need but they need something to he,p get that out. I would start by not putting any demands on them, no activities, give them something to eat but have it ready for them and don’t even have them have to make choices.

do you know whether they are the type of kids who would benefit from stuff like spinning in the playground on the way home, or if they need to be still and alone and zone out to YouTube for a bit?

I agree with the other posters about potential autism, but also investigate whether there could be any kind of bullying or abuse occurring at school.

This sounds EXACTLY the same as my 6 year old daughter who is in the process of having an autism assessment.
The GP and school have been fantastic. And we’ve already had lots of help with strategies to help with meltdowns & shutdowns which has made it easier for her, myself and her siblings to cope with.
Definitely speak to her school and GP. Fingers crossed you get some help too.

How does she respond to discipline? You can call the child law advice service to try and see what support she can get. Of course you'll have to start with GP and or CAMHS. There is a period between 6-8 where kids are very emotional. So that's normal but the weeing on rug and violent attacks are concerning. Need to get to the bottom of it I hope you do! All the best

She sound like a coke bottle kid, masks all symptoms at school, which shake her up and when she gets home all hell breaks lose.

it is typically behaviour of girls with autism, and it sound like your daughter might have PDA profile. Driven by anxiety to feel in control at all times.

I would be looking for a referral to CAMHS, and look to see if she has autism. In the meantime google girls with autism as they present very differently to boys.

Good luck
and remember they take it out on the ones they love the most.

Helpful response 🙄

She's not an only child but she is the youngest

🙄

Judgey much? Not a helpful attitude that you have there.

I feel sorry for both her siblings and you and her Dad. This girl needs help but we all know how long waiting lists are.

My great niece has oppositional defiance disorder. My sister-in-law, her grandmother, has guardianship. It’s made it more difficult to get her the help she needs.

They have had to remove the door to her bedroom at times because she will close the door and block it and destroy walls. During COVID lockdowns she was given a computer to use to attend class. She would disrupt the class making faces, or holding the cat up to the camera, and things like that. She figured out how to get around some things on the computer. They had to make her screen black to all of the other students.

She was visiting once with her grandmother when she was about 4. The two of us were watching TV in the living room. I told her not to wake her grandmother up. She said ok and ran into the bedroom and woke her up. She gets violent and hits people. I don’t know how my sister-in-law deals with it all sometimes.

I wish you all the best in finding someone that can help. Hopefully you will get the right help and can fix the issues before they escalate any further.

I had exactly the same problem with my daughter 20 years ago, i begged for help as the situation at home would escalate very quickly. She could be triggered by a word, if I gave her younger brother his dinner first, anything really it was like walking on eggshells all of the time, but her behaviour in school was perfect. Social services became involved through my invitation, I foolishly thought they would help me, instead they took the view that i must have done something, especially as she was so well behaved in school. She was assessed by child psychologist who admitted that he was mystified as there were no obvious issues with her parent (i.e. no substance abuse issues, no new partner, economically we were okay I worked full time in a professional role. They diagnosed attachment disorder and conduct disorder. I suspected autism, I read up on the condition as she had some strange obsessive behaviours as well, but was told I was pathologizing her. Her outbursts became so extreme that SS told me that she was a danger to me and her younger brother and that if I didn't agree to place her in their care they would start proceedings to take away both children. I was a single parent at the time and I did everything I could but they took her away from me. I live with the guilt even now. I think that more is known about autism and ADHD now, so you should have a better outcome for her.

@InvestingMimi This is so sad, I’m so sorry nobody listened to you. Autism in girls is much more widely recognised today than even 5 years ago, so OP should hopefully get the help she needs.

We have a ‘female autism thread’ in my family, what it means in practice is that various female members have a bipolar diagnosis. Today they’d get an autism diagnosis.

It sounds like you need professional support, she could have autism, PDA subtype even, or mental health needs - can you contact your local CAMHS team (if in U.K.?)

Yes, my daughter has now been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Her behaviour is still erratic and challenging. I don't know what her treatment plan is because she is very secretive and won't listen or take advice. So still living through dramas.

We have been in this situation. Please get help now. My daughter is now almost 30 and we now believe has ADHD and autism. It presents so differently in girls. She has had a lot of input form psychology and psychiatric facilities over the year and mis diagnoses. Good luck....

It could be many things, none of us on here have enough information to hazard a diagnosis. All i would say is the fact that you have parented other children without problems suggests it is specific to your daughter rather than your parenting style. Our youngest daughter has SEMH needs (early years trauma based) and these behaviours are familiar, but they also tick ASD boxes or ADHD boxes or ODD boxes. I would suggest you need an urgent intervention assessment,

OP please look into autism (in girls) and masking, I'd specifically look into pathological demand avoidance (I'm pda and so is my child so I'm not throwing this out randomly)
Check out Kristy Forbes and pda our way on fb. Your child isn't doing this on purpose. I guarantee she is full of shame after each incident but acts like she doesn't care.

OPs child may not have Autism/ADHD, it’s definitely worth at least speaking to the GP and school. That way they can send a referral to CAMHS. Speaking with a psychologist would allow them to explore the possibility that it might be neurodivergence - or something else. The sooner the better too.

Haven't RTFT but in case it hasn't been suggested yet, you may find the book The Explosive Child by Ross Greene helpful

Has she been tested for ASD & ADHD? I really feel for you. I wish I had a magic solution for you. Is she like this at school? It may be worth having a sit down with her and trying to explain how her behaviour impacts her siblings and trying to ascertain what triggers this behaviour. Difficult in one so young I know…

It sounds like ASD including PDA. She is using up all her social energy and masking at school so you're getting the completely exhausted full of anger version. The avoidance of doing what she is asked can be worked with and you will get through it once you learn the toolset x she needs to get support at school, possibly a SEND school for ASD. I would suggest storyboarding - you draw comics together with a bad outcome and a good outcome where everyone is happy. You also need to explain why things need to happen. So with the game, you can't just say that's the last game. You need to say, only one more game and then you need to go to bed otherwise you'll be tired for school or ten more minutes then we need to get ready for bed. Same if you're going anywhere. Saying we need to to in half an hour gives them time to finish what they need to finish in their mind.

If they are having meltdowns, it's easier to manage the cause than the meltdown. Just have somewhere they can go to do what they need. It might be dark and quiet, it might have lights and music.

NRTFT, but just wanted to say this sounds alot like my DC. Despite many push backs from school, because he wasn't displaying the same.level of challenging behaviour at school, I knew something wasn't right. After 3 yrs of battles and assessments he was diagnosed with severe ADHD and PDA, and is currently awaiting an ASD assessment.

His behaviour became unbearable at 6 yrs old. And it was apparent from being a toddler and just got worse and worse with age.

He's nearly 11 now, and we're still battling for support, medication and an EHCP. He's only just been accepted under CAMHS for therapy sessions to help both him and us with coping strategies.

Do start the process as soon as you can to get a diagnosis, because it's a long hard slog and the sooner you start it, the better. Even with a diagnosis it's a battle to get help, but without one nobody will entertain you.

If I heard one more time "just reward good behaviour and punish/ignore bad behaviour" as though I was just some clueless thicko and it was a simple fix, I felt like I'd spontaneously combust with frustration.

Kids like this don't respond to 'normal' means of reward/punishment strategies.

The poor little thing, and poor you too x

None of us 'have' autism anyway lol We are autistic, it's not an accessory.